the hate list....

[Guest guest]

this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the

" hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred,

utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and

ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years

ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of

them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely.

The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed "

her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration

for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook -

she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that

of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we

had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me

during dessert " we

dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom

and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word

" wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy

the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING

- to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us

have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother

(my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The

fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be

closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends

of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite

here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I

still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons

why my nada and

i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never

amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and

reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness.

The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling

screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my

Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!!

When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have

affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I

have moved to the top of her " hate list " .....