Feeling sad about being NC

March 22, 2012

I have been NC with my nada for 5 months now and I seem to have hit a wall of

sadness. Being away has caused me to forget all the crappy stuff about my nada

and caused me to miss the good. Kinda like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I know to go back to my nada would mean going back to a life of problems and

accusations but I am not sure how to deal with the feelings of missing her. Does

anyone that has gone NC in the past have any suggestions for me on how to deal

with what I am feeling? I do know for sure that I don't want to and can't go

back. Not for me and especially my children whom she has harmed.

Darcy

March 22, 2012

Its normal to grieve a loss, even the loss of an illusion we carried that maybe

if we tried hard enough, and tried again and again, our mother would somehow

change, would somehow realize and CARE that she hurt us/scared us/was

indifferent to us, and would miraculously transform into the mentally healthy,

emotionally stable, loving mother we always dreamed of. Grieving that familiar

connectedness (even if the person you are missing was your scary, unpredictable,

hostile mother) is a very human and normal thing to go through.

So, my suggestion is to let yourself feel the grief, really fully. Don't avoid

it. Let yourself mourn deeply from your core, let your inner little child cry

for her mother, and then dry your eyes and go forward.

For me, personally, avoiding grief (because it HURTS!) makes it drag out longer.

But if you really let yourself feel the feelings, they will eventually lessen

and become less sharp and intense over time.

It also works for me to fill my life with positive people as much as possible;

I've developed a network of friends that I enjoy spending time with, and with

activities and events that are fun, satisfying and uplifting.

My own personal opinion is that if you find yourself unable to pass through your

grieving after say... about a year, and find yourself still stuck in deep

mourning, or frequently feeling bereft and sad, then maybe consider going in

for some grief therapy (with a therapist who understands these issues that the

adult children of personality-disordered parents or alcoholic/druggie parents

frequently face.)

Best of luck to you.

-Annie

>

> I have been NC with my nada for 5 months now and I seem to have hit a wall of

sadness. Being away has caused me to forget all the crappy stuff about my nada

and caused me to miss the good. Kinda like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I know to go back to my nada would mean going back to a life of problems and

accusations but I am not sure how to deal with the feelings of missing her. Does

anyone that has gone NC in the past have any suggestions for me on how to deal

with what I am feeling? I do know for sure that I don't want to and can't go

back. Not for me and especially my children whom she has harmed.

>

> Darcy

>

March 22, 2012

Hi Darcy,

I am deep in the sadness right now too. I have only been NC with my nada for a

few weeks and its been really hard. Whats worse is that I am also LC/NC with all

of my siblings too for one reason or another. I was ok with it when I was

feeling angry but now that I am feeling sad it hurts so much. I used to be

really good at defending against my feelings (read: dissociating) but I've been

working on that in therapy so now I can feel and it SUCKS!!! As I sit and type

this I can barely hold back the tears...I'm at work...not good. Whats making

this harder for me is that I am not the only one that decided on NC, it was

actually my nada who stopped talking to me. She is really angry at me based on

the reality she believes (vs. the actual reality where she was being a true

nada) and told me its best if we don't talk, wished me all the happiness in the

world, goodbye, blah blah. I guess she wasnt a huge fan of the fact that I was

being an individual and making my own decisions, setting boundaries with her,

etc. The reality of it though is becoming harder and harder for me to hang on to

as well, especially with the rest of my family caught up in their own messes

that they dont think to contact me either. It's like I disappeared or something.

How could I have been so dismissable after all the time I put in trying to be

everything to everyone in my family.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your pain. Hang in there.

Tucket

> >

> > I have been NC with my nada for 5 months now and I seem to have hit a wall

of sadness. Being away has caused me to forget all the crappy stuff about my

nada and caused me to miss the good. Kinda like absence makes the heart grow

fonder. I know to go back to my nada would mean going back to a life of problems

and accusations but I am not sure how to deal with the feelings of missing her.

Does anyone that has gone NC in the past have any suggestions for me on how to

deal with what I am feeling? I do know for sure that I don't want to and can't

go back. Not for me and especially my children whom she has harmed.

> >

> > Darcy

> >

>

March 22, 2012

Hi Annie,

Thank you so much for your suggestions! I especially like your idea of letting

myself grieve for the mother I never had. I recently have had a counselor tell

me to try and let go of the negative attachments toward my nada and I found

taking that action allowed the negative feelings toward my nada to go away

mostly, but then I was left with remembering only the good in her and missing

that. Your suggestion to let myself grieve for the mother I never had sounds

like exactly what I need to do and just thinking about taking that action brings

tears to my eyes.

Thanks again for your help!