I'm new here... is BPD passed on? :/

[Guest guest]

So... I'm new to the forum. I've spent a lot of time in an Adult Children of

Narcissists forum and really gotten a lot out of it.

I am an only child and only grandchild. I was raised by my Narcissist Mom and

BPD Grandmother. But now, the more I read about BPD, the more I am seeing that

my mother is probably BPD, too.

My grandmother is very evil, smart and calculating and definitely BPD. I've

gone no contact with her as that relationship was quite toxic AND I hated her

for what she did to my mother (My mother's childhood was AWFUL).

I'm LC with my mother, currently, especially because she's dating my estranged

father whom she divorced 32 years ago (and he was #1 on our hate list for those

32 years. He's a piece of work. Shallow, racist, paranoid, emotionally

immature. I'm glad he wasn't in my life then and frankly, don't want him in it

now). Not only is she dating him, but she's defending him and making light of

my crappy childhood and telling me to go " easy on him " and she calls me for

relationship advice, too (For example... " Did you talk to your dad?!?! What did

he say about ME?? " and my dad talks about their sexual tension and gross stuff

like that). I feel SO betrayed that she's taken his side and that she is

idolizing him. It hurts SO MUCH.

Everyone has been busy and not calling me so much, which has been great. But,

Grandmother's health hasn't been good so the calls are ramping up, from both

parents (Dad thinks he can tell me what to do now), as is my anxiety about

having to deal with these people. I have a physical reaction to seeing their

caller ID pop up. I try to ignore it, but the more I ignore, the more they

call. On top of it, I feel guilty for not caring about grandma's health. All I

care about is being left alone.

That's my background and current situation... but as of tonight, doing some

reading on BPD and I realized that I may have BPD, too... and it is scaring me

to death. My husband and I have been having some issues and I know that I've

been acting out in a way that would make it seem that I, too, have BPD. Mostly,

my lack of trust, feel that my feelings are not valid, that I'm " nothing " , that

I'm " evil " and worthless etc.

So... I'm wondering... is this normal? I was the part of their world for so

long and removed myself... maybe this is just some sort of post traumatic stress

disorder, self preservation or ? But in the last few months (after finding out

that Mom was dating Dad), I don't feel human and I'm starting to hate people.

I've been ignoring my friends and avoiding social contact. I'm so angry and

anxious all the time... and depressed. I don't feel like myself and feel so out

of control. I know that setting boundaries is my next step, and I'm SO scared

to put that in motion.

I honestly feel like I'm that scared, defenseless 5 year old that mommy had

walking on eggshells and daddy was neglecting, all over again. Feeling this way

is sort of embarrassing and shameful, too... especially since you mention " why "

you feel the way you do and people think you are nuts.

Ugh.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

the thing people always say here is that if you think you might have it you

don't. people with BPD blame everyone else for their behavior. if you are taking

responsibility for your actions you are well on your way to changing them. we

all have to break the cycle. people here call learned BPD behaviors " fleas " we

all have them. just yesterday I got frustrated with my kids and channeled Nada

for a second. it stinks. we all feel emotionally detached and un-trusting.

especially with people who have been unsafe in the past. it is normal.

you are not responsible for your nadas trials. you perhaps should have

compassion becasue of them, but only generally. they don't " explain " her, plenty

of people suffer and turn out fine. your dad sounds like a creep. I think

putting as much space as you can between yourself and that quagmire of toxicity

is a great plan.

explaining the BPD world to outsiders is nearly impossible but we all get it.

and have our own struggles.feeling like a child is a PTSD symtom. it is normal

for those who are abused. I have it too. you don't sound crazy here.

welcome to the group.

Meikjn

>

> So... I'm new to the forum. I've spent a lot of time in an Adult Children of

Narcissists forum and really gotten a lot out of it.

>

> I am an only child and only grandchild. I was raised by my Narcissist Mom and

BPD Grandmother. But now, the more I read about BPD, the more I am seeing that

my mother is probably BPD, too.

>

> My grandmother is very evil, smart and calculating and definitely BPD. I've

gone no contact with her as that relationship was quite toxic AND I hated her

for what she did to my mother (My mother's childhood was AWFUL).

>

> I'm LC with my mother, currently, especially because she's dating my estranged

father whom she divorced 32 years ago (and he was #1 on our hate list for those

32 years. He's a piece of work. Shallow, racist, paranoid, emotionally

immature. I'm glad he wasn't in my life then and frankly, don't want him in it

now). Not only is she dating him, but she's defending him and making light of

my crappy childhood and telling me to go " easy on him " and she calls me for

relationship advice, too (For example... " Did you talk to your dad?!?! What did

he say about ME?? " and my dad talks about their sexual tension and gross stuff

like that). I feel SO betrayed that she's taken his side and that she is

idolizing him. It hurts SO MUCH.

>

> Everyone has been busy and not calling me so much, which has been great. But,

Grandmother's health hasn't been good so the calls are ramping up, from both

parents (Dad thinks he can tell me what to do now), as is my anxiety about

having to deal with these people. I have a physical reaction to seeing their

caller ID pop up. I try to ignore it, but the more I ignore, the more they

call. On top of it, I feel guilty for not caring about grandma's health. All I

care about is being left alone.

>

> That's my background and current situation... but as of tonight, doing some

reading on BPD and I realized that I may have BPD, too... and it is scaring me

to death. My husband and I have been having some issues and I know that I've

been acting out in a way that would make it seem that I, too, have BPD. Mostly,

my lack of trust, feel that my feelings are not valid, that I'm " nothing " , that

I'm " evil " and worthless etc.

>

> So... I'm wondering... is this normal? I was the part of their world for so

long and removed myself... maybe this is just some sort of post traumatic stress

disorder, self preservation or ? But in the last few months (after finding out

that Mom was dating Dad), I don't feel human and I'm starting to hate people.

I've been ignoring my friends and avoiding social contact. I'm so angry and

anxious all the time... and depressed. I don't feel like myself and feel so out

of control. I know that setting boundaries is my next step, and I'm SO scared

to put that in motion.

>

> I honestly feel like I'm that scared, defenseless 5 year old that mommy had

walking on eggshells and daddy was neglecting, all over again. Feeling this way

is sort of embarrassing and shameful, too... especially since you mention " why "

you feel the way you do and people think you are nuts.

>

> Ugh.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Blueseastar, Welcome to the Group.

I'd like to echo Meikjn's thoughts and state that children adopt their parents'

behaviors because all children pick up their parents' behaviors, language,

culture, attitudes and beliefs due to daily exposure/immersion. That is just

normal, the child has no choice in the matter.

So if a child grows up with borderline personality-disordered parents, then

those negative, abnormal, dysfunctional behaviors are modeled to the child as

" normal " . The child isn't in a position to be objective about this, and can

only accept that the way her parents behave is " the way things are done in the

world. " Meikjn mentioned that we call those bpd-like attitudes and behaviors

that we pick up, " flea " behaviors.

But as we grow up and have more exposure to other people and other families, we

become able to perceive that these ugly, negative behaviors and thought patterns

are not good or positive behaviors: they hurt other people's feelings and caused

conflict, suffering, and do damage. We come to perceive that these familiar

( " of the family " ) behaviors aren't necessarily the same thing as *healthy*

behaviors.

I agree with Meikjn and have read in books about bpd, myself: If you are

distressed by your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors because you perceive

that they are hurtful to yourself and hurtful to others, then its NOT very

likely that you have a personality disorder.

Those with personality disorders are not distressed or upset by their own

thoughts, feelings or behaviors. They feel perfectly justified to feel the way

they do, and say the things they do, and treat other people the way they do.

They even feel *entitled* to do so.

The pd individual thinks there is nothing wrong with their own perceptions and

behaviors, and that all their problems always come from outside themselves: from

other people and events beyond their control. They either can't or won't ever

take responsibility for causing any problem, and instead see themselves as the

perpetual victim.

This is called an " ego syntonic " state of being. " Why should *I* seek therapy?

There's nothing wrong with ME! YOU are causing all my problems! YOU are the

crazy, hateful, malicious liar, so YOU should go into therapy, not me! " is the

way ego-sytonic thinks.

So, the good news is that if your own feelings and behaviors distress you, then

you have the personal insight and objectivity to be able to change those

behaviors: you don't have to carry those " fleas " around with you. Finding a

good therapist and sticking with therapy and learning how to self-monitor and

adopt new ways of handling negative, destructive thoughts and feelings is one

way of " de-fleaing " yourself.

While its true that currently the psychiatric community accepts the theory that

bpd is due to a combination of nature and nurture, having a bpd parent does not

automatically condemn the child to have bpd also.

To me, in my opinion, the key factors are whether or not the flea-infested

adult child possesses the ability to feel true empathy and remorse, can accept

responsibility for her own actions, and has a strong desire to change herself.

If a person has those qualities, then he or she does not have bpd and CAN

change.

-Annie

>

> So... I'm new to the forum. I've spent a lot of time in an Adult Children of

Narcissists forum and really gotten a lot out of it.

>

> I am an only child and only grandchild. I was raised by my Narcissist Mom and

BPD Grandmother. But now, the more I read about BPD, the more I am seeing that

my mother is probably BPD, too.

>

> My grandmother is very evil, smart and calculating and definitely BPD. I've

gone no contact with her as that relationship was quite toxic AND I hated her

for what she did to my mother (My mother's childhood was AWFUL).

>

> I'm LC with my mother, currently, especially because she's dating my estranged

father whom she divorced 32 years ago (and he was #1 on our hate list for those

32 years. He's a piece of work. Shallow, racist, paranoid, emotionally

immature. I'm glad he wasn't in my life then and frankly, don't want him in it

now). Not only is she dating him, but she's defending him and making light of

my crappy childhood and telling me to go " easy on him " and she calls me for

relationship advice, too (For example... " Did you talk to your dad?!?! What did

he say about ME?? " and my dad talks about their sexual tension and gross stuff

like that). I feel SO betrayed that she's taken his side and that she is

idolizing him. It hurts SO MUCH.

>

> Everyone has been busy and not calling me so much, which has been great. But,

Grandmother's health hasn't been good so the calls are ramping up, from both

parents (Dad thinks he can tell me what to do now), as is my anxiety about

having to deal with these people. I have a physical reaction to seeing their

caller ID pop up. I try to ignore it, but the more I ignore, the more they

call. On top of it, I feel guilty for not caring about grandma's health. All I

care about is being left alone.

>

> That's my background and current situation... but as of tonight, doing some

reading on BPD and I realized that I may have BPD, too... and it is scaring me

to death. My husband and I have been having some issues and I know that I've

been acting out in a way that would make it seem that I, too, have BPD. Mostly,

my lack of trust, feel that my feelings are not valid, that I'm " nothing " , that

I'm " evil " and worthless etc.

>

> So... I'm wondering... is this normal? I was the part of their world for so

long and removed myself... maybe this is just some sort of post traumatic stress

disorder, self preservation or ? But in the last few months (after finding out

that Mom was dating Dad), I don't feel human and I'm starting to hate people.

I've been ignoring my friends and avoiding social contact. I'm so angry and

anxious all the time... and depressed. I don't feel like myself and feel so out

of control. I know that setting boundaries is my next step, and I'm SO scared

to put that in motion.

>

> I honestly feel like I'm that scared, defenseless 5 year old that mommy had

walking on eggshells and daddy was neglecting, all over again. Feeling this way

is sort of embarrassing and shameful, too... especially since you mention " why "

you feel the way you do and people think you are nuts.

>

> Ugh.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>