Mother in law and sister in law with BPD help!

March 20, 2012

My SIL was diagnosed twice with BPD, but my MIL was never diagnosed or ever got

help and I think she has BPD ( her oldest daughter and husband tried to get her

help but she went crazy ).

My relationship with my MIL was good until the week before my wedding. When I

say good I mean always listened to her on the phone complain about how everybody

was after her and ruining her life. I listened to her on the phone for 2 to 4

hours each time and it never seems to be enough. The conversations start with

her saying nice things about me, helping her research stuff, what I do is never

enough and insults me. Since the last trip, she has not called me ( Christmas )

but calls my husband complaining about me, saying lies. Going to visit them is

hell, all she does is cry, complain and tries to be the center of attention. Two

examples:

1. She says her husband takes her money away from her, gives it to their BPD

daughter( which by the way also has a transplant from trying to kill herself)and

treats her like his wife.

2. We visited someone who lost his wife a few months ago, then went to my MIL's

house and started telling her about how he is doing and it was not even a minute

of talking about him that she starts crying and complaining how her daughter

ruined her hair with gum. ( as a kid and it was not on purpose )

Her oldest daughter is married and would only talk to her if she seeks help.

My husband does not think there is anything wrong with his mom and says she is

just tired of everything. She does not say the nasty things she tells me, she

just cries to him so he is being manipulated. I tried telling my husband a few

things she told me about me or about others and he doesnt believe me. He thinks

I do not understand her. She calls him drunk sometimes, leaves nasty messages

but he does not think anything of it.

MY MIL left her house at age 16 saying her parents ignored, I met them and I do

not think they ignored her or abandoned her.

My MIL is a hoarder, like the houses you see on TV or worse. The only room that

is empty is my husband's. She does not eat normal meals, one meal a day, sleeps

whenever, many times a day, never leaves the house, smokes a pack a day and

drinks at night ( not always though ). I think these patterns can not be healthy

and she is completely isolated, just 4 TV channels and no internet. Also she has

a lot of problems with her teeth and she blames the dentists, her husband not

giving her money ( he told me he spent over $75,000 on her teeth ).

I do not know what to do, I never said anything nasty to her because I know she

has problems but I had enough of all of this. I feel bad talking here about her

but I do not know what to do.

March 22, 2012

Hi Maruon, welcome to the Group.

This is just a suggestion to consider, because you know your own situation best,

but I suggest getting one of the books about bpd that are available now, like

" Stop Walking on Eggshells " or " Understanding the Borderline Mother " or

" Surviving a Borderline Parent " , and showing it to your husband, and encourage

him to read it. Or part of it.

It seems to me that the key issue is that your husband is in deep denial about

the extent of his mother's dysfunction, and is trying to avoid dealing with the

issues she creates.

Perhaps couples therapy would be useful also.

If the two of you are on the same page, if you are a united team in respect to

understanding that his mother is seriously mentally ill, and that its OK for the

two of you to establish reasonable, healthy boundaries to protect yourselves

from being further exploited or abused, then, I think things will be much more

peaceful and calm and enjoyable for you both.

You weren't put on this earth to be someone else's emotional punching bag; its

OK to step away from the dysfunction, and take either a temporary or permanent

" time out " from contact: whatever you feel works best for you. Its OK for you

to take charge of your relationship with your mentally ill mother in law, the

way you'd take charge of a three year old. The three year old doesn't get to

make important decisions that impact you, because a three year old isn't

capable of making rational, healthy, adult decisions, but you are.

So, those are my suggestions, for you to take or leave as it suits you. I hope

that in any case you will consider reading as much as you can about borderline

pd and will not feel bad or guilty about protecting yourself with boundaries.

-Annie

>

> My SIL was diagnosed twice with BPD, but my MIL was never diagnosed or ever

got help and I think she has BPD ( her oldest daughter and husband tried to get

her help but she went crazy ).

> My relationship with my MIL was good until the week before my wedding. When I

say good I mean always listened to her on the phone complain about how everybody

was after her and ruining her life. I listened to her on the phone for 2 to 4

hours each time and it never seems to be enough. The conversations start with

her saying nice things about me, helping her research stuff, what I do is never

enough and insults me. Since the last trip, she has not called me ( Christmas )

but calls my husband complaining about me, saying lies. Going to visit them is

hell, all she does is cry, complain and tries to be the center of attention. Two

examples:

> 1. She says her husband takes her money away from her, gives it to their BPD

daughter( which by the way also has a transplant from trying to kill herself)and

treats her like his wife.

> 2. We visited someone who lost his wife a few months ago, then went to my

MIL's house and started telling her about how he is doing and it was not even a

minute of talking about him that she starts crying and complaining how her

daughter ruined her hair with gum. ( as a kid and it was not on purpose )

> Her oldest daughter is married and would only talk to her if she seeks help.

> My husband does not think there is anything wrong with his mom and says she is

just tired of everything. She does not say the nasty things she tells me, she

just cries to him so he is being manipulated. I tried telling my husband a few

things she told me about me or about others and he doesnt believe me. He thinks

I do not understand her. She calls him drunk sometimes, leaves nasty messages

but he does not think anything of it.

> MY MIL left her house at age 16 saying her parents ignored, I met them and I

do not think they ignored her or abandoned her.

> My MIL is a hoarder, like the houses you see on TV or worse. The only room

that is empty is my husband's. She does not eat normal meals, one meal a day,

sleeps whenever, many times a day, never leaves the house, smokes a pack a day

and drinks at night ( not always though ). I think these patterns can not be

healthy and she is completely isolated, just 4 TV channels and no internet. Also

she has a lot of problems with her teeth and she blames the dentists, her

husband not giving her money ( he told me he spent over $75,000 on her teeth ).

>

> I do not know what to do, I never said anything nasty to her because I know

she has problems but I had enough of all of this. I feel bad talking here about

her but I do not know what to do.

>

March 26, 2012

My soon to be MIL is very similar. We had an OK relationship until my fiance

and I started helping her clean her hoarder-ish house. We discovered a kitchen

covered in mouse poo and when we raised concerns about safety (there is a child

in the home also)we somehow became the bad guys. It was my first time being on

the receiving end of a BPD's anger and it shook me to the core. My fiance

know's that there is something not " right " with his mother but he would just

tell me that " that's the way she is " " please try to understand she's had a hard

life " etc.

The way I got us to therapy was to explain to him that I was feeling very

stressed with this new mixing of families and that I needed to talk to someone

about it. He agreed to go to couples counseling " for me " . I had a session with

our counselor alone to let him know what I was seeing. It was nice because I

didn't feel like I had to censor myself since my fiance wasn't around. The

counselor encouraged us to read " Stop walking on eggshells " which we start to do

together. After just 2 chapters my fiance said " I think my mom might really

have BPD some of this stuff is exactly from my childhood " . I was

a relief to hear that from him. He does still have trouble hearing me

" criticize " them because he loves but he is much more open when we can discuss

some of the family's actions calmly. We've come to an understanding that

someday (when we have children) we might have to go N/C. Even if he hadn't

agreed to go to counseling I would have still gone. Coming from a " normal "

family I feel like it's hard not to get sucked in trying to help change things.

My MIL is someone who is in a lot of pain and I feel bad for her but I needed to

learn how to distance myself and not learn to not take those 2 hour phone calls

to not try to fix things.

Good luck.