Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely. The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 My nada had that trait also: very long-term memory of anything anyone ever did to hurt her, and holding grudges about it. She was also very judgmental about other people's physical appearance, how their home looked, how they behaved, etc., holding her own tastes in such matters to be superior and worthy of admiration. It was so clear to me that my nada's charming and adorable public mask was covering up her real feelings of anger, envy, jealousy, and even malice. But she did manage to appear sweet and normal around other people. I think the behavior you describe demonstrates the bpd trait of " black and white thinking " (someone is either all-good or all-bad) and it, and it demonstrates a need to feel superior to other people, which is more of a narcissistic pd trait. (In effect it makes the pd individual superior merely by default because everyone else is so abysmally hateful and ugly!) And it demonstrates perhaps an avoidant personality disorder trait of needing to push other people away, while binding you, the " safe " person, to her with cords of steel. " Its you and me against the world, baby. " Truly, personality disorders, particularly the Cluster B disorders, are just a miserable way to go through life. Just wretched. Its sad for the person with bpd, but even worse is the wide path of devastating damage they leave in their wake, like tornados. Its just maddeningly frustrating that they do so much harm to others in their own dysfunction, like, they're drowning and in their panic they don't care if they drown you with them. -Annie > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely. The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 This is all so true. It took me 44 years to realize how mentally disturbed she is - and when i think of the horrid things she has said to me, and said about others it is just truly unbelievable. To the outside world she is pleasant and sweet and energetic - she acts like she cares that my dad is having terrible hip problems when infront of friends and then when she gets him alone she spit out fire. " I have hated you for 47 years " and " I hope you get what you deserve one day " .. truly awful. My poor dad has Stockholm Syndrome and will never leave... Being NC with my nada and now with my eyes SOOO WIDE open about how distructive she is, I am starting to feel lighter and better about myself. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2012 11:43 AM Subject: Re: the hate list....  My nada had that trait also: very long-term memory of anything anyone ever did to hurt her, and holding grudges about it. She was also very judgmental about other people's physical appearance, how their home looked, how they behaved, etc., holding her own tastes in such matters to be superior and worthy of admiration. It was so clear to me that my nada's charming and adorable public mask was covering up her real feelings of anger, envy, jealousy, and even malice. But she did manage to appear sweet and normal around other people. I think the behavior you describe demonstrates the bpd trait of " black and white thinking " (someone is either all-good or all-bad) and it, and it demonstrates a need to feel superior to other people, which is more of a narcissistic pd trait. (In effect it makes the pd individual superior merely by default because everyone else is so abysmally hateful and ugly!) And it demonstrates perhaps an avoidant personality disorder trait of needing to push other people away, while binding you, the " safe " person, to her with cords of steel. " Its you and me against the world, baby. " Truly, personality disorders, particularly the Cluster B disorders, are just a miserable way to go through life. Just wretched. Its sad for the person with bpd, but even worse is the wide path of devastating damage they leave in their wake, like tornados. Its just maddeningly frustrating that they do so much harm to others in their own dysfunction, like, they're drowning and in their panic they don't care if they drown you with them. -Annie > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely.  The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying  - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her  was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah "  kindergarden??  I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 My stepnada does that too. She hates my ex husbands parents because they told her they wouldn't stop my marriage to their son. We were both over 18 at the time, and his parents thought it was our choice to make whether we wanted to get married or not. She also hates my mom's family because she told them, at my mom's funeral, that they should be her friend. They told her no, and they are bad people now. Now that I am able to finally stand up for myself and let out the anger I had toward her, I am on the hit list now, as is my brother. We aren't her kids, so we don't matter. I am sure there are a lot of people on her " hit " list that I don't know about. Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2012 10:43 AM Subject: Re: the hate list....  My nada had that trait also: very long-term memory of anything anyone ever did to hurt her, and holding grudges about it. She was also very judgmental about other people's physical appearance, how their home looked, how they behaved, etc., holding her own tastes in such matters to be superior and worthy of admiration. It was so clear to me that my nada's charming and adorable public mask was covering up her real feelings of anger, envy, jealousy, and even malice. But she did manage to appear sweet and normal around other people. I think the behavior you describe demonstrates the bpd trait of " black and white thinking " (someone is either all-good or all-bad) and it, and it demonstrates a need to feel superior to other people, which is more of a narcissistic pd trait. (In effect it makes the pd individual superior merely by default because everyone else is so abysmally hateful and ugly!) And it demonstrates perhaps an avoidant personality disorder trait of needing to push other people away, while binding you, the " safe " person, to her with cords of steel. " Its you and me against the world, baby. " Truly, personality disorders, particularly the Cluster B disorders, are just a miserable way to go through life. Just wretched. Its sad for the person with bpd, but even worse is the wide path of devastating damage they leave in their wake, like tornados. Its just maddeningly frustrating that they do so much harm to others in their own dysfunction, like, they're drowning and in their panic they don't care if they drown you with them. -Annie > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely.  The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying  - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her  was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah "  kindergarden??  I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 Same thing here. They really are all alike aren't they?! Sometimes I feel bad for her, because she has no family but me. She always loved to say that it was that it was just her and I, which seems strange now. We actually have a lot of family, but she has put everyone on the hate list, so it just feels as if there is no one left. Natalia > > > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely.  The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying  - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her  was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah "  kindergarden??  I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 My nada's the same way. She'll never *forgive* anyone or anything. She'll never let it go. She'll bring up the most random, bizarre crap (same thing--from kindergarden or something) and throw it in your face. NO ONE CARES BUT YOU. My dad broke up with my nada when they were in highschool and then they got back together and were married 26 years and she WOULD NEVER FORGIVE HIM for breaking up with her when they were teens. That's just one example. My nada didn't like my childhood best friend and also " wedged " her way in between that friendship too. She manipulated me into thinking my friend was awful. I was in 4th grade!!?! It has to be the jealousy! You're right. They don't want your attention to be on anyone else. My nada's behavior intensified and became destructive when my sister and I hit adolescence and formed friendships and relationships outside the family. Like many have said on these boards before: once the child begins having a mind of their own and thinking independently the BP parent will lash out that much more. Ridiculous. Cruel. And of course I always thought it was my fault and I was a bad daughter and had to parent my parent. Like her emotional happiness and stability depended on me. Your post really was an " ah ha " moment. - Cvidz > > > > > > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely. The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 I understand so well...I didn't really put it together as a trait of BPD until late last year when a counselor said it sounded like my mother has BDP. All my life my mother has critized everyone. Family the most. I realize now how I have been affected by it by distancing myself from others. Because of her harsh critizisms I subconciously thought everyone was the same behind closed doors. My cousins that I love and adore were always " fat pigs " . That's how she felt of her own nieces and nephews. Especially because I had a good relationship with them. My mother was always fighting with her sister and mother at family get togethers as well. Now we just don't get together. I could never put my finger on it, her behavior...till last year. I thought it was alcohol abuse in our family, but it didn't really fit until BPD was considered. She doesn't change, not even with age, there is no reflection, or wisdom in her years. She still cuts people apart. Not to their face, then she puts on an act. But later after you leave, comes the analysis. I have distanced myself recently from her. I had to for my own understanding. I only text her. I am on her list now, going from most adored to hated. I don't care I need this time. It's been 40 years of a lie and mostly denial on her part of her behavior. It's been very similar to having a parent who is an alcoholic. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely. The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 Every once in a while, my nada will just not be able to contain herself and just start the spewing the most aweful vile things. She also has that wonderful sense of timing that they all seem to have. The top two were the one about my dad, just saying aweful hateful things about him as I lay on the couch completely drained and vulnerable because my dad had just had half of his left lung taken out just earlier that morning to remove cancer. I was speechless, I think it was almost a type of shock that she would say something like that to me while I was just trying to rest and was already so worried for my dad's health and life. Numero uno on my list was railing against me and accusing me of preventing her from having a closer bond with her son-in-law, my husbsand, the day after his memorial service. She is quite the piece of work, my nada. C > > > > > > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely. The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah " kindergarden?? I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 yikes. I call it the naughty list. she actually lists " these are my children who feel I did not go to their events... " these are the friends who___ " she actually verbalizes these things. I am probably permanently there now. I was scared because of that, but I know that her lists of " bad " children are just those of us who have stood up for ourselves. The listing of such things is then followed by her declaring all the reasons she is a martyr, and how everything she has ever done is for her children. " I could not come to any sporting events (except for the golden boy of course) because I was working and I did that all for my children " (totally to gain recognition) many of my siblings have managed to detach without her really noticing because she has her pet illusion that she has " wonderful relationships with all her children " so they do the bare minimum to feed her illusion without emotionally involving themselves. I was not able to do that, so I am sticking only to one e-mail a week right now. it is so sad. she takes one event and blows it up then decided that it is permanent stain on a persons character. she is so isolated and pitiful. my dad and a few very enmeshed siblings are the only " friends " she has. my dad is a passive aggressive emotional shell. my siblings baby her and defend her by minimizing and justifying her behavior. Meikjn > > > > > > this morning i decided to make a list of all the people my nada hates - the " hate list " was endless, too many people to count and reasonings for the hatred, utterly absurd. This one said this and that 27 years ago, that one is fat and ugly, this one is too competitive, that one made a mean comment to her 47 years ago etc..She has always hated each and everyone of my friends - unless one of them of course had gone to Harvard or Yale and then they were " ok " --barely.  The list was endless also filled with aunts and uncles who had once " crossed " her and who now, she wishes strokes and death on and cancer too. My inspiration for this list was because recently a cousin of mine contacting me via facebook - she was coming to town and wanted to have lunch. When we met, we realized that of course we barely knew each other but that also it had been 35 years since we had seen eachother. Her mother is my dad's sister. She then bravely said to me during dessert " we > > > dont know each other because your mother wedged herself between us all - my mom and your dad never got along after your dad married your mom " she said. The word " wedged " hit me like a TON of bricks. I spoke about the word " wedged " in therapy the next day and my therapist agreed that this trait of trying  - really TRYING - to get me to hate all of my friends from highshool and college, not letting us have much of a relationship with cousins cause they were " ugly " or their mother (my aunt) was deemed " awful " , " jealous " etc.. is a very common BPD trait. The fear that I would like these people more than i loved her - that i would be closer with friends then i would be with her  was her fear. She curses friends of mine - wishes them harm, calls them terrible names that i cant even recite here - awful, verbal attacks - like she is breathing fire when she rages. I still have ALL of my close friendships from school and this one of the reasons why my nada and > > > i do not speak - amongst many other reasons i.e. im awful, stupid, will never amount to anything, a looser. Her knack for dredging up facts about me and reciting things i " supposedly " did 35 years ago is the method to her madness. The last time we spoke, which was months ago, in between her blood curdling screams she brought up that i had failed a test in 7th grade and " Even my Kindergarden teacher said blah blah blah "  kindergarden??  I am 44 years old!!! When i reminded her that allof her elephant-like memories really must not have affected me because i am very successful now , she hung up on me. For sure, I have moved to the top of her " hate list " ..... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 My dad too is passive - aggressive , beaten-down man. I just spent an hour on the phone with him as he was telling me he bought theater tickets and movie tickets to take her out this weekend and to " keep her happy " .. I had to explain that there is NO such thing as making her happy. She is a bottomless pit - filled with hatred and breathing fire like a enraged lion. Amazing to grow up and see a mother go from rage and telling my dad " She has hated him for 47 years " to suddenly asking in a docile tone, " what would you like for dinner? " ... SICK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 my dad is strangely independent. He spends all day doing major projects. His latest is building a gigantic lodge for the family on some land he bought on a whim. my dad simply does whatever he wants and never explains and never says anything to her.when she nags he just ignores her completely. he never goes out to eat, or movies or anything like that. oddly enough she thinks things are great (her delusions are often rather positive when she paints people white) she tells everyone that she has the " perfect marriage " my parents never talk about anything real. my dad is a thinker. I don't know how he does it. but he seems happy enough I guess, so maybe there really is someone for everyone. Meikjn > > My dad too is passive - aggressive , beaten-down man. I just spent an hour on the phone with him as he was telling me he bought theater tickets and movie tickets to take her out this weekend and to " keep her happy " .. I had to explain that there is NO such thing as making her happy. She is a bottomless pit - filled with hatred and breathing fire like a enraged lion. Amazing to grow up and see a mother go from rage and telling my dad " She has hated him for 47 years " to suddenly asking in a docile tone, " what would you like for dinner? " ... SICK. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 I agree, and I too found that behavior extremely crazy-making when I was growing up and even into adulthood. My nada (bpd mom) would scream in red-faced, spittle-flying rage at my little Sister and me even when we were just very little kids, little preschoolers, scare the living crap out of us, hurt our feelings and make us want to die from feeling rejected and hated, and sometimes she'd even beat us physically... then shortly afterward mom would be all happy and chirpy and perky and act like nothing had happened. Mom would walk away, leaving me shaking on the floor in shock, feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and unable to express any hurt or outrage myself at my unfair treatment. If I did not also pretend that nothing devastating had just happened to me, it would be likely to trigger yet another rage, right then and there. Mom's other post-rage-tantrum behavior was to break down into sobs, and beg Sister and me to come to her and hug her and forgive her. But Sister and I learned that her sobbing apologies and remorse meant nothing, that our nada could trigger into another screaming rage later that same day. Or immediately, if we did not come right to her and reassure her that she was forgiven. So, we learned that our mother's promises meant nothing, and were her equivalent of a " get out of jail free " card. I think she resorted to this response when she was afraid of being caught out; she was afraid of our dad finding out that she'd mistreated us so badly, and it scared her. -Annie > > My dad too is passive - aggressive , beaten-down man. I just spent an hour on the phone with him as he was telling me he bought theater tickets and movie tickets to take her out this weekend and to " keep her happy " .. I had to explain that there is NO such thing as making her happy. She is a bottomless pit - filled with hatred and breathing fire like a enraged lion. Amazing to grow up and see a mother go from rage and telling my dad " She has hated him for 47 years " to suddenly asking in a docile tone, " what would you like for dinner? " ... SICK. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2012 Report Share Posted March 23, 2012 fascinating - truly fascinating. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, March 23, 2012 12:35 PM Subject: Re: the hate list....  my dad is strangely independent. He spends all day doing major projects. His latest is building a gigantic lodge for the family on some land he bought on a whim. my dad simply does whatever he wants and never explains and never says anything to her.when she nags he just ignores her completely. he never goes out to eat, or movies or anything like that. oddly enough she thinks things are great (her delusions are often rather positive when she paints people white) she tells everyone that she has the " perfect marriage " my parents never talk about anything real. my dad is a thinker. I don't know how he does it. but he seems happy enough I guess, so maybe there really is someone for everyone. Meikjn > > My dad too is passive - aggressive , beaten-down man. I just spent an hour on the phone with him as he was telling me he bought theater tickets and movie tickets to take her out this weekend and to " keep her happy " .. I had to explain that there is NO such thing as making her happy. She is a bottomless pit - filled with hatred and breathing fire like a enraged lion. Amazing to grow up and see a mother go from rage and telling my dad " She has hated him for 47 years " to suddenly asking in a docile tone, " what would you like for dinner? " ... SICK. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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