Is this my wrong thinking or is it objective?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I'm 25. 2 yrs and a bit NC with Father. Yr and 8 mo. NC with Mother. (The type

of abuse is Father being verbally abusive towards my Mother and sometimes the

children. Unexpected with his behaviors, angry and looking frightening sometimes

and the sort).

I have Grandparents (from my Mother's side) in a different country, 12 hour

flight away. They're about 71-72 years old.

My Grandfather is more of the " cool " type of person. He laughs and is on the

good mood type.

My Grandmother is a bit more, for a lack of a better word right now, more

" conservative " \ " in bounds " type of a person.

Last year, about a year into me going NC with parents, I went to them for a 2

week holiday. They have a beautiful house and I had the best time in the world.

It was truly a very refreshing holiday.

I know that my Grandfather is less bothered by me being NC with my parents since

he could understand my situation a bit. Heck, he was NC with his Father for

about 8 years (until his Father passed away).

But my Grandmother is more affected about it.

Last year, before flying to them for the holiday, I felt nervous that maybe my

Grandmother is angry at me since I'm NC with my parents. So I called her and

spoke about different things. And then I asked her if she's angry at me because

of it. And she said no - she's not angry, just sad on the situation, and that

that what's happening in the family.

I felt assured and took the flight.

Now, this year I want to do that same type of holiday again, it was really a

blast last year and really want to do it again. BUT, I'm afraid... that maybe

my Grandmother is angry at me on the whole situation. Last year it was only a

year into me being NC, so maybe she thought that it'll pass fast, and that it's

just a matter of a not too long while.

But now that it's about 2 years... I don't know, maybe she's upset about the

whole thing and it wouldn't be good for me to travel to their home for a 2 week

holiday.

On the other hand, I'm their Grandson, and, who wouldn't want to see their

Grandson?

Another consideration I have (why not to go), is that maybe it's too much of an

effort to have me over (preparing food, keeping company, things like that. I'm

talking from the age angle. My Mother I think once told me that it's hard for

them to take care of things\guests or something like that, I can't really

remember exactly what she said. Maybe from there this thought came).

I don't know if that's true, or it's just false thoughts telling me that.

That's a lesser consideration than what I wrote before, but it's also there.

What do you think?

Again – On the one hand I really want to go for this type of holiday. On the

other hand, I'm afraid my Grandmother is angry \ upset with me because of the

situation.

THANKS!!!

Joe

[Guest guest]

Hello Joe,

Do you have any reason outside your own thoughts to think that

your grandmother might be angry or upset with you over this? If

she said the situation made her sad rather than angry when you

asked her earlier, what has happened to make you think that's

changed? Talking yourself into thinking that other people are

upset with you seems to be a common thing with the adult

children of BPDs. We grew up in homes where nothing we did was

right and where almost anything could make our parents upset

with us, so it is easy to fall into the pattern of thinking that

other people might be upset over various things. If she hasn't

said anything to indicate that she's angry, there's a good

chance that you are overly worried about it.

Being concerned about whether they can handle having a house

guest seems reasonable, but simply asking should give you an

answer to that question. Visiting them doesn't have to be an all

or nothing type thing. It might be a reasonable compromise to

visit them but offer to prepare some of the meals yourself, or

to take them out for meals. You could also try to spend some of

the days going off and doing things on your own so as not to

burden them with entertaining you all the time. Visiting them

for a shorter time then moving on to someplace else for the rest

of your vacation is another possibility.

At 03:40 PM 08/09/2011 joenewday wrote:

>Hi everyone,

>

>I'm 25. 2 yrs and a bit NC with Father. Yr and 8 mo. NC with

>Mother. (The type of abuse is Father being verbally abusive

>towards my Mother and sometimes the children. Unexpected with

>his behaviors, angry and looking frightening sometimes and the

>sort).

>I have Grandparents (from my Mother's side) in a different

>country, 12 hour flight away. They're about 71-72 years old.

>

>My Grandfather is more of the " cool " type of person. He laughs

>and is on the good mood type.

>My Grandmother is a bit more, for a lack of a better word right

>now, more " conservative " \ " in bounds " type of a person.

>

>Last year, about a year into me going NC with parents, I went

>to them for a 2 week holiday. They have a beautiful house and I

>had the best time in the world. It was truly a very refreshing

>holiday.

>

>I know that my Grandfather is less bothered by me being NC with

>my parents since he could understand my situation a bit. Heck,

>he was NC with his Father for about 8 years (until his Father

>passed away).

>But my Grandmother is more affected about it.

>

>Last year, before flying to them for the holiday, I felt

>nervous that maybe my Grandmother is angry at me since I'm NC

>with my parents. So I called her and spoke about different

>things. And then I asked her if she's angry at me because of

>it. And she said no - she's not angry, just sad on the

>situation, and that that what's happening in the family.

>I felt assured and took the flight.

>

>Now, this year I want to do that same type of holiday again, it

>was really a blast last year and really want to do it

>again. BUT, I'm afraid... that maybe my Grandmother is angry

>at me on the whole situation. Last year it was only a year into

>me being NC, so maybe she thought that it'll pass fast, and

>that it's just a matter of a not too long while.

>But now that it's about 2 years... I don't know, maybe she's

>upset about the whole thing and it wouldn't be good for me to

>travel to their home for a 2 week holiday.

>

>On the other hand, I'm their Grandson, and, who wouldn't want

>to see their Grandson?

>

>Another consideration I have (why not to go), is that maybe

>it's too much of an effort to have me over (preparing food,

>keeping company, things like that. I'm talking from the age

>angle. My Mother I think once told me that it's hard for them

>to take care of things\guests or something like that, I can't

>really remember exactly what she said. Maybe from there this

>thought came).

>I don't know if that's true, or it's just false thoughts

>telling me that.

>That's a lesser consideration than what I wrote before, but

>it's also there.

>

>What do you think?

>

>Again ­ On the one hand I really want to go for this type of

>holiday. On the other hand, I'm afraid my Grandmother is angry

>\ upset with me because of the situation.

>

>THANKS!!!

>Joe

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Joe,

My thoughts on your post are very similar to Katrina's. I think that if your

grandmother is truly upset with you, she would probably tell you or cancel your

visit.

And if you are feeling that staying for two weeks is an imposition on your

grandparents because they are elderly, then, perhaps only visit them for a few

days, and/or do some housekeeping or home maintenance work for them while you're

there, things they can't easily do for themselves or perhaps can't afford.

That would be very kind, thoughtful and compassionate of you, to help them out

while you're there.

So, I hope your visit will be as enjoyable as it was before, and you work out an

arrangement that both you and your grandparents feel comfortable with.

-Annie

> >Hi everyone,

> >

> >I'm 25. 2 yrs and a bit NC with Father. Yr and 8 mo. NC with

> >Mother. (The type of abuse is Father being verbally abusive

> >towards my Mother and sometimes the children. Unexpected with

> >his behaviors, angry and looking frightening sometimes and the

> >sort).

> >I have Grandparents (from my Mother's side) in a different

> >country, 12 hour flight away. They're about 71-72 years old.

> >

> >My Grandfather is more of the " cool " type of person. He laughs

> >and is on the good mood type.

> >My Grandmother is a bit more, for a lack of a better word right

> >now, more " conservative " \ " in bounds " type of a person.

> >

> >Last year, about a year into me going NC with parents, I went

> >to them for a 2 week holiday. They have a beautiful house and I

> >had the best time in the world. It was truly a very refreshing

> >holiday.

> >

> >I know that my Grandfather is less bothered by me being NC with

> >my parents since he could understand my situation a bit. Heck,

> >he was NC with his Father for about 8 years (until his Father

> >passed away).

> >But my Grandmother is more affected about it.

> >

> >Last year, before flying to them for the holiday, I felt

> >nervous that maybe my Grandmother is angry at me since I'm NC

> >with my parents. So I called her and spoke about different

> >things. And then I asked her if she's angry at me because of

> >it. And she said no - she's not angry, just sad on the

> >situation, and that that what's happening in the family.

> >I felt assured and took the flight.

> >

> >Now, this year I want to do that same type of holiday again, it

> >was really a blast last year and really want to do it

> >again. BUT, I'm afraid... that maybe my Grandmother is angry

> >at me on the whole situation. Last year it was only a year into

> >me being NC, so maybe she thought that it'll pass fast, and

> >that it's just a matter of a not too long while.

> >But now that it's about 2 years... I don't know, maybe she's

> >upset about the whole thing and it wouldn't be good for me to

> >travel to their home for a 2 week holiday.

> >

> >On the other hand, I'm their Grandson, and, who wouldn't want

> >to see their Grandson?

> >

> >Another consideration I have (why not to go), is that maybe

> >it's too much of an effort to have me over (preparing food,

> >keeping company, things like that. I'm talking from the age

> >angle. My Mother I think once told me that it's hard for them

> >to take care of things\guests or something like that, I can't

> >really remember exactly what she said. Maybe from there this

> >thought came).

> >I don't know if that's true, or it's just false thoughts

> >telling me that.

> >That's a lesser consideration than what I wrote before, but

> >it's also there.

> >

> >What do you think?

> >

> >Again ­ On the one hand I really want to go for this type of

> >holiday. On the other hand, I'm afraid my Grandmother is angry

> >\ upset with me because of the situation.

> >

> >THANKS!!!

> >Joe

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thanks a lot for the answers and the suggestions.

That was very assuring and helpful,

Thanks,

Joe

> > >Hi everyone,

> > >

> > >I'm 25. 2 yrs and a bit NC with Father. Yr and 8 mo. NC with

> > >Mother. (The type of abuse is Father being verbally abusive

> > >towards my Mother and sometimes the children. Unexpected with

> > >his behaviors, angry and looking frightening sometimes and the

> > >sort).

> > >I have Grandparents (from my Mother's side) in a different

> > >country, 12 hour flight away. They're about 71-72 years old.

> > >

> > >My Grandfather is more of the " cool " type of person. He laughs

> > >and is on the good mood type.

> > >My Grandmother is a bit more, for a lack of a better word right

> > >now, more " conservative " \ " in bounds " type of a person.

> > >

> > >Last year, about a year into me going NC with parents, I went

> > >to them for a 2 week holiday. They have a beautiful house and I

> > >had the best time in the world. It was truly a very refreshing

> > >holiday.

> > >

> > >I know that my Grandfather is less bothered by me being NC with

> > >my parents since he could understand my situation a bit. Heck,

> > >he was NC with his Father for about 8 years (until his Father

> > >passed away).

> > >But my Grandmother is more affected about it.

> > >

> > >Last year, before flying to them for the holiday, I felt

> > >nervous that maybe my Grandmother is angry at me since I'm NC

> > >with my parents. So I called her and spoke about different

> > >things. And then I asked her if she's angry at me because of

> > >it. And she said no - she's not angry, just sad on the

> > >situation, and that that what's happening in the family.

> > >I felt assured and took the flight.

> > >

> > >Now, this year I want to do that same type of holiday again, it

> > >was really a blast last year and really want to do it

> > >again. BUT, I'm afraid... that maybe my Grandmother is angry

> > >at me on the whole situation. Last year it was only a year into

> > >me being NC, so maybe she thought that it'll pass fast, and

> > >that it's just a matter of a not too long while.

> > >But now that it's about 2 years... I don't know, maybe she's

> > >upset about the whole thing and it wouldn't be good for me to

> > >travel to their home for a 2 week holiday.

> > >

> > >On the other hand, I'm their Grandson, and, who wouldn't want

> > >to see their Grandson?

> > >

> > >Another consideration I have (why not to go), is that maybe

> > >it's too much of an effort to have me over (preparing food,

> > >keeping company, things like that. I'm talking from the age

> > >angle. My Mother I think once told me that it's hard for them

> > >to take care of things\guests or something like that, I can't

> > >really remember exactly what she said. Maybe from there this

> > >thought came).

> > >I don't know if that's true, or it's just false thoughts

> > >telling me that.

> > >That's a lesser consideration than what I wrote before, but

> > >it's also there.

> > >

> > >What do you think?

> > >

> > >Again ­ On the one hand I really want to go for this type of

> > >holiday. On the other hand, I'm afraid my Grandmother is angry

> > >\ upset with me because of the situation.

> > >

> > >THANKS!!!

> > >Joe

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>