Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Welcome!!! Have you heard from the doctor him/herself that it is cancer? if not I would personaly suspect my nada of making it up On Mon, Aug 8, 2011 at 3:43 PM, battlebornmom wrote: > ** > > > Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the place to find a > couple of answers. > > Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read and reply. A > bit of guidance is so desperately needed right now. I apologise this is so > long. I don't know how to shorten it. > > So, my story: > > I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been searching for > a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. For a very long time I > believed she had bipolar disorder, and she might, I don't know. Finally, I > was honest with a few family friends that work in the mental health field > and they independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually it, > but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it is. > r th > My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to say the least. > She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse > as a child. The history is long and complicated. As she got older, she > bounced from one bad marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s > (her 4th husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I am > 35. > > My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always called it > and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My father always referred to > Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I suffered signficant amounts of physical, > mental, and emotional abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At > one point, when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother hauled > me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her the same thing: the > problem is the home and the parents, not the child. Mom refused to accept > that and kept looking until she found one that said it was my fault and he > could fix me. > > As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, deceit, > manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were frequent and harsh. The > other side is the perfect, sunny, loving, giving side. She has both. It was, > and still is, confusing. > > When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare condition called > a Chiari One malformation. That and the associated problems have caused her > chronic pain and medical conditions -- or so I have always been told. But > then again, who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe any > longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of function, though. > > Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable > relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives on drama. > But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between us. I went > away to college and then moved a few different places in the country that > was far from her. I talked on the phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 > years. Unfortunately during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our > mother's illness. > > A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to have kids and > now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely 1 year old daughter. After > my son was born, my mother came out to visit for a couple of months to care > for him until I could get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her > current relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to care for > him. I thought we were in a better place with our relationship and I could > make it work. I intended for her to get her own place in town and I would do > what I could for her -- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done > her time. > > She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for the last > year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. Anger, rage, hurt. I > find myself putting her needs first and working the rest of my family around > her because I fear what happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the > hurt... the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I avoid it > at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 toddlers and a husband -- > THEIR needs should come first. Not my mother's. > > I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse after > another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, but the streets. If I > suggest she get her own place, I am accused of trying to kick her out, not > loving her, being mean, being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, > etc. All the usual. > > This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed boundaries. I didn't > want my kids raised around this any longer. I didn't want my husband to > suffer any longer. Enough was enough. I started to prepare myself for the > guilt trips, the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the > hurt, the pain. > > Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, she got > diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery to remove the gall > bladder, they found cancer. So, she still has the health problems of the > gall stone (they couldn't remove it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian > cancer. Great timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. She has > surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then chemo after that. > Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has made her even worse. Just this > last weekend was constant turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle > several different times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she > wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. She was just > " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have morphed to this. Gah! > > What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her (supported > her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a car, helped with everything > she needed -- she can't even go to a doctor visit without me), she doesn't > have the right to be abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But > how do I force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's > always refused to seek help for her issues. > > How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be happy, that > I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when she is dealing with cancer? > The eggshells in my house are so fragile right now I can't sneeze without > worrying if my mother is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I > won't have my children live like that. > > But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her treatment > hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see myself and my family slowly > eroded. That is just as destructive. My children deserve better. > > Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. Where do I find > the strength? > > Thank you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Sometimes we have some answers. Sometimes all we can do is understand and offer sympathy. You ask " But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? " I see a big red flag in that question - the word " destroy " . Protecting yourself and your family is not destroying her. She's an adult. She's gone through life making her own choices. If those choices have been bad ones, that's not your fault. If some of her choices have involved doing things that make it impossible for you to continue to have her in your life, that's certainly not your fault. If anyone has destroyed her, she did it to herself. She needs to take responsibility for herself now. If she refuses to get help for her problems, that's on her, not you. If she isn't happy, that's on her, not you. Happiness comes from within. You can't make someone be happy and if she has BPD nothing you do is going to change that and no matter how much you do for her, it will never be enough. Cancer doesn't give her the right to abuse you, your husband or your children. He's definitely right about that. When you have children, your primary responsibility is to them. Taking care of your children includes taking care of yourself so that you can be a good parent. Keeping that in mind can help make things clearer. Guilt is one of the primary tools of someone with BPD. They use it to try to make us think that we should devote ourselves to serving them and doing whatever they want. They use it to try to relieve themselves of taking responsibility for their own lives and their own happiness. There's no reason to feel guilt for wanting to live your own life in peace though. We are NOT responsible for them. It is NOT normal for parents to act like emotional vampires trying to suck their children dry. What resources does she have? Since she's supposedly not capable of working, does she get disability payments of any kind? Or does she have any other means of support? If she doesn't have any resources, you may need to look into what kind of services and help she is eligable for. How much do you actually know about her medical conditions? Women with BPD are well known for exagerating or even totally making up medical conditions to gain sympathy and to use as excuses for their bad behavior. At 05:43 PM 08/08/2011 battlebornmom wrote: >Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the >place to find a couple of answers. > >Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read >and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right >now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten >it. > >So, my story: > >I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been >searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. >For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and >she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few >family friends that work in the mental health field and they >independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually >it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it >is. > >My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to >say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, >physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long >and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad >marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th >husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I >am 35. > >My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always >called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My >father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I >suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional >abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, >when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother >hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her >the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not >the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until >she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > >As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, >deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were >frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, >loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, >confusing. > >When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare >condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the >associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical >conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, >who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe >any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of >function, though. > >Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable >relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives >on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > >I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between >us. I went away to college and then moved a few different >places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the >phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately >during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's >illness. > >A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to >have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely >1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out >to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could >get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current >relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to >care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our >relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to >get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her >-- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her >time. > >She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for >the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. >Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and >working the rest of my family around her because I fear what >happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... >the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I >avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 >toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not >my mother's. > >I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse >after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, >but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am >accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, >being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the >usual. > >This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed >boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any >longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough >was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, >the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the >hurt, the pain. > >Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, >she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery >to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still >has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove >it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great >timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > >I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. >She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then >chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has >made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant >turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different >times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she >wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. >She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have >morphed to this. Gah! > >What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her >(supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a >car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to >a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be >abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I >force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's >always refused to seek help for her issues. > >How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be >happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when >she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so >fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother >is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have >my children live like that. > >But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her >treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see >myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as >destructive. My children deserve better. > >Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. >Where do I find the strength? > >Thank you. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 I agree with Katrina's post, totally. I hope you will read it and re-read it and re-read it until you can accept the comfort and the reality that none of this is your fault, and you are not responsible for your mother's feelings, for making her happy, or her health problems. You don't have to live as her hostage. You don't deserve that kind of treatment, and your kids don't, and your husband doesn't deserve it either. I suggest that the most proactive thing you can do for yourself and your husband and kids is to begin researching the options your mother has for other living arrangements with a social worker and/or an attorney. Knowledge is power. There are options for her other than living in your home or on the streets. Don't help her hold you and your family hostage; you deserve better. -Annie > >Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the > >place to find a couple of answers. > > > >Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read > >and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right > >now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten > >it. > > > >So, my story: > > > >I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been > >searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. > >For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and > >she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few > >family friends that work in the mental health field and they > >independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually > >it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it > >is. > > > >My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to > >say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, > >physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long > >and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad > >marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th > >husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I > >am 35. > > > >My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always > >called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My > >father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I > >suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional > >abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, > >when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother > >hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her > >the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not > >the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until > >she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > > > >As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, > >deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were > >frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, > >loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, > >confusing. > > > >When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare > >condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the > >associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical > >conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, > >who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe > >any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of > >function, though. > > > >Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable > >relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives > >on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > > >I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between > >us. I went away to college and then moved a few different > >places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the > >phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately > >during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's > >illness. > > > >A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to > >have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely > >1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out > >to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could > >get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current > >relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to > >care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our > >relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to > >get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her > >-- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her > >time. > > > >She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for > >the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. > >Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and > >working the rest of my family around her because I fear what > >happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... > >the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I > >avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 > >toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not > >my mother's. > > > >I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse > >after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, > >but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am > >accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, > >being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the > >usual. > > > >This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed > >boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any > >longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough > >was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, > >the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the > >hurt, the pain. > > > >Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, > >she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery > >to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still > >has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove > >it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great > >timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > > >I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. > >She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then > >chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has > >made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant > >turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different > >times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she > >wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. > >She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have > >morphed to this. Gah! > > > >What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her > >(supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a > >car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to > >a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be > >abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I > >force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's > >always refused to seek help for her issues. > > > >How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be > >happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when > >she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so > >fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother > >is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have > >my children live like that. > > > >But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her > >treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see > >myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as > >destructive. My children deserve better. > > > >Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. > >Where do I find the strength? > > > >Thank you. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 oh mannn, I really feel for you. Sending hugs!! What a really incredibly difficult situation! My nada just moved out after a long period of walking on eggshells and a lot of angst and stress in the house. The thing with her was that there was never a good time ... if she was down and out (most of the time, she's the waif/hermit type) you didn't dare bring up a difficult subject and 'kick her while she was down' and get guilted up one end and down the other. I am sure you know THAT feeling! If she was up for some reason (I too thought she was bipolar before finding out about BPD) you didn't want to bring her down and just enjoyed the moment of respite while it lasted - always very short! After many attempts at setting boundaries and trying to talk it through, all of which she blatantly ignored or bulldozed... Eventually my nerves were about to snap and my husband's actually did. Nada and my husband got in a huge fight, I got involved, and in the end she moved out that night. It was rife with painful crap, but in reality it HAD to be that way. She knows no other way but the path of drama. Sounds like you know that road too, since your mom has dragged you down it. I don't have good advice for you, I am still in the learning to set boundaries phase myself... to accept that it actually ISN'T my fault... I think you will get that same type of advice from this group. Set boundaries, decide what is and what is not acceptable for you and your family, and stick to it. It sounds to me like you are lost deep in the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt)...but you deserve better, and you have a right to it. I wish you much peace as you work through this very challenging situation. I wish I could offer better advice but like I said I know you will get it - and support - here. Please keep posting. *Star Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Katrina, You poor thing. Reading your story just brought tears to my eyes. I really feel for you. The first thing I want to say to you is please be kind to yourself right now. You are in a really tough situation - and you are clearly a good person trying to do your best to for all the people you care about in your life. Make sure you acknowledge this to yourself. The second thing I'd say is, if you can afford it please try to find a therapist to understands BPD and the effects being brought up with a BPD-affected parent has on children. If you are anything like me, due to years of emotional abuse, it is so difficult to untangle your thoughts and make sense of what is okay, what is not, how you can put boundaries for yourself etc. Having a therapist to discuss these issues with really helped me - I'd really recommend it, but you need to make sure they have experience of BPD. I also want to pick up on your use of the word 'destroy' - you are NOT destroying your mother. All you are doing is seeking to protect yourself and your family from being in an abusive situation. You have a right to do that. Moreover, with respect to your children, you have a duty to do so. You need to protect yourself and your family. If your setting boundaries upsets your mother, that is unfortunate, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT and NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is the consequence of her mental health problems and her inability/unwillingness to see the world in a reasonable way - her pain is caused by that, it is not caused by you. You are not sacrificial lamb put on this earth to make her life a little less painful. You have a right to have your own life. To be happy. It sounds like you've had enough years of pain from all this. It sounds like for the sake of your family and yourself, you need to act and change things now. - you can't make your mother see what she is doing to you. You can't make her understand or change her behaviour. Only she can do that - and its highly likely that she can't/won't. You can only protect yourself by working out what you can/are prepared to do in order to help her while maintaining your own sanity. That might be visiting her every few days (I would never do that with my mother) - visiting once a month - visiting a few times a year - calling from time to time. You need to work out what you can handle right now. And what your family can handle. Then do it. Don't try to make her see that what you are doing is okay. You won't be able to. She won't get it. You know that what you are doing is reasonable and necessary and that is all that matters. She may be angry. She may be hurt. She may rage. She may threaten suicide. This is a consequence of her condition. Not of your behaviour. You need to try to detach from those emotional responses. They are a consequence of HER MENTAL ILLNESS. This is so so hard because we've been trained since birth to respond to their emotional needs, not our own. But you cannot sacrifice your life because she rages or threatens suicide. If the latter, call the emergency services - let them take responsibility for her safety. You can't. You are just a normal person trying to exist like anyone else. You can't take responsibility for the emotional/physical well-being of another adult human being. Its not possible. Set your boundaries and detach from the reaction. Do what you are able to do while keeping your family safe and retaining your sanity. I know all of this is easier said that done - and is hard to make sense of, that's why I highly recommend speaking to a therapist to work this stuff out in your head. You can do this! You've made the first hard step, realising that your mother has a problem and that none of this is 'about you.' Be strong and good luck! Sara > >Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the > >place to find a couple of answers. > > > >Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read > >and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right > >now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten > >it. > > > >So, my story: > > > >I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been > >searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. > >For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and > >she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few > >family friends that work in the mental health field and they > >independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually > >it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it > >is. > > > >My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to > >say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, > >physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long > >and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad > >marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th > >husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I > >am 35. > > > >My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always > >called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My > >father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I > >suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional > >abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, > >when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother > >hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her > >the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not > >the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until > >she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > > > >As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, > >deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were > >frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, > >loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, > >confusing. > > > >When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare > >condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the > >associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical > >conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, > >who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe > >any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of > >function, though. > > > >Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable > >relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives > >on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > > >I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between > >us. I went away to college and then moved a few different > >places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the > >phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately > >during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's > >illness. > > > >A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to > >have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely > >1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out > >to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could > >get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current > >relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to > >care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our > >relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to > >get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her > >-- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her > >time. > > > >She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for > >the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. > >Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and > >working the rest of my family around her because I fear what > >happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... > >the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I > >avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 > >toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not > >my mother's. > > > >I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse > >after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, > >but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am > >accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, > >being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the > >usual. > > > >This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed > >boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any > >longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough > >was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, > >the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the > >hurt, the pain. > > > >Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, > >she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery > >to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still > >has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove > >it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great > >timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > > >I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. > >She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then > >chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has > >made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant > >turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different > >times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she > >wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. > >She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have > >morphed to this. Gah! > > > >What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her > >(supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a > >car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to > >a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be > >abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I > >force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's > >always refused to seek help for her issues. > > > >How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be > >happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when > >she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so > >fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother > >is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have > >my children live like that. > > > >But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her > >treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see > >myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as > >destructive. My children deserve better. > > > >Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. > >Where do I find the strength? > > > >Thank you. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Hi Battle, I'm so, so sorry for all you're going through. I really don't have much good advice besides wondering if there's anyone else in your family you can enlist to help you as your mother goes through cancer treatment. Nadas in normal circumstances are bad enough; I can only imagine how an illness on top of their normal craziness adds to the already huge guilt they love marinating in and throwing on everyone around them. If you can't " lend " her out to anyone else, esp as you said your sister's already done her time, so to speak, my suggestion is for you to 1) unload on us; we're here for you, esp as you're going through this. you need people around you who get it; beeelieve me, we do; 2) read up on BPD and mental illness, which it sounds like you have....Walking on Eggshells....Boundaries....The Mom Factor....Understanding the Borderline Mother are all books that have helped me; and 3) I wonder if a Codependents Anonymous group would be helpful for you; I'm actually trying to find one for myself....just a thought. Again, so sorry for the grief you're going through. With 2 little ones as well, you've got a full plate. Hugs, Fiona > > Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the place to find a couple of answers. > > Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten it. > > So, my story: > > I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few family friends that work in the mental health field and they independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it is. > > My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I am 35. > > My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > > As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, confusing. > > When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of function, though. > > Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between us. I went away to college and then moved a few different places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's illness. > > A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely 1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her -- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her time. > > She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and working the rest of my family around her because I fear what happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not my mother's. > > I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the usual. > > This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the hurt, the pain. > > Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have morphed to this. Gah! > > What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her (supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's always refused to seek help for her issues. > > How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have my children live like that. > > But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as destructive. My children deserve better. > > Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. Where do I find the strength? > > Thank you. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, that sounds like a complete nightmare. If it were possible for you to destroy your mother then moms all over the world would be blowing up left and right, trust me. You don't have that kind of power. I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with her about how you feel because those feelings are going to affect your entire life if left unexpressed. How she reacts to it is her problem. You need a ton of support and validation for what you are going through and here is a good place to get it, also private therapy and groups like codependents anonymous to help you separate her manipulations from how you really feel. For children the age of 1 to 3 is the most important stage of life according to some mental health experts, that is the stage of shame vs. autonomy and accomplishment so what happens with your kids right now is vitally important. I hope you surround yourself with as many supportive people as you can find and continue posting on this website so that you get enough strength to continue to attend to the needs of your family while your mother goes through cancer wherever she ends up. The 'medium chill' stuff that people post here really does work, I only mourn the fact that I had to turn 42 years old before someone told me I did not have to react to the nadafada drama and that reacting is the thing that gets me sucked in every time. I am sorry that it is ending up like this, it is really tough to have two toddlers and I can't imagine having a grown toddler like your nada with all her issues and now having cancer as well. Only her chemo can fight it though, there is nothing you can say or do, so leave the healing up to the medicine and take care of your family. If she wants to eschew treatment and pass away from it that is her choice as well, you can tell her you would never want to intervene on such a personal decision and she probably won't bring it up again if she doesn't get the reaction she's looking for. It's really a sad situation, but it is what it is. > > Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the place to find a couple of answers. > > Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten it. > > So, my story: > > I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few family friends that work in the mental health field and they independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it is. > > My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I am 35. > > My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > > As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, confusing. > > When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of function, though. > > Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between us. I went away to college and then moved a few different places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's illness. > > A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely 1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her -- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her time. > > She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and working the rest of my family around her because I fear what happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not my mother's. > > I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the usual. > > This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the hurt, the pain. > > Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have morphed to this. Gah! > > What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her (supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's always refused to seek help for her issues. > > How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have my children live like that. > > But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as destructive. My children deserve better. > > Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. Where do I find the strength? > > Thank you. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 11, 2011 Report Share Posted August 11, 2011 Ugh, what a tough situation. But I agree that you don't have the power to destroy your mom, and also you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. EXCEPT you totally have the right to tell her to find her own home and to set your own boundaries. Boundaries always seem to be the hardest part, not just for the parent with BPD, but the child too. But it's so important, for both of you, that you be honest with yourself and what your limits are. Otherwise you will just end up hurting each other more. Last year my mom asked me for $5,000 so she could buy a mobile home for herself and get out from under my stepfather's wing. I don't know how or why she thought I had $5,000, or even if I did, why I would give it to her like nothing, but when I said no, she went crazy saying all these awful things about how I used to be so warm and caring but now I was cold and cruel, and that I would rather see her living on the street than give her money she needs to survive. Well, I didn't give her the money, and guess what? She didn't end up on the street, either! The drama that gets cooked up is just that, cooked up drama. It's not reality. Excuses for why she can't leave your home are excuses. If you need her to leave, then there are options. For you, it's a matter of removing your place as an option. Blame your husband. Sounds like he wouldn't mind. Blame your kids. It sounds harsh, but cancer or no cancer, your needs are important too, and she has to do her part. It's not really up for negotiation. The truth is, it will probably be easier for you to help her through the cancer treatment (if she decides to do that) if she is not also living under your roof and there is some physical distance between you. Hang in there... hugs. > > > > Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the place to find a couple of answers. > > > > Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read and reply. A bit of guidance is so desperately needed right now. I apologise this is so long. I don't know how to shorten it. > > > > So, my story: > > > > I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been searching for a diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. For a very long time I believed she had bipolar disorder, and she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest with a few family friends that work in the mental health field and they independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually it, but forced myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it is. > > > > My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to say the least. She suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse as a child. The history is long and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from one bad marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th husband) and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I am 35. > > > > My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always called it and now understand is closely linked to BPD. My father always referred to Mom as " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, when I started cutting myself in middle school, my mother hauled me around to several psychiatrists. They all told her the same thing: the problem is the home and the parents, not the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until she found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me. > > > > As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, deceit, manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were frequent and harsh. The other side is the perfect, sunny, loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and still is, confusing. > > > > When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare condition called a Chiari One malformation. That and the associated problems have caused her chronic pain and medical conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then again, who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe any longer. I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of function, though. > > > > Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable relationship. She flits from one crisis to another and thrives on drama. But, over the years, she seemed to mellow a bit. > > > > I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between us. I went away to college and then moved a few different places in the country that was far from her. I talked on the phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years. Unfortunately during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's illness. > > > > A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to have kids and now have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely 1 year old daughter. After my son was born, my mother came out to visit for a couple of months to care for him until I could get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to care for him. I thought we were in a better place with our relationship and I could make it work. I intended for her to get her own place in town and I would do what I could for her -- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her time. > > > > She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for the last year. I have found myself in old patterns with her. Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself putting her needs first and working the rest of my family around her because I fear what happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... the insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I avoid it at all costs. It is costing too much. I have 2 toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs should come first. Not my mother's. > > > > I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse after another. I can't kick her out, she has no where to go, but the streets. If I suggest she get her own place, I am accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being mean, being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the usual. > > > > This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed boundaries. I didn't want my kids raised around this any longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any longer. Enough was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, the threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the hurt, the pain. > > > > Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, she got diagnosed with a gall stone. When they did the surgery to remove the gall bladder, they found cancer. So, she still has the health problems of the gall stone (they couldn't remove it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed. > > > > I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. She has surgery scheduled for a few weeks from now and then chemo after that. Needless to say, this difficult diagnosis has made her even worse. Just this last weekend was constant turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different times for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she wasn't getting treated for the cancer as there was no point. She was just " done " and going to die. Her suicide threats have morphed to this. Gah! > > > > What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her (supported her, given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a car, helped with everything she needed -- she can't even go to a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the right to be abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I force my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's always refused to seek help for her issues. > > > > How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be happy, that I can't have this in my life anymore? Right when she is dealing with cancer? The eggshells in my house are so fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying if my mother is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have my children live like that. > > > > But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her treatment hasn't even started! But I can't continue to see myself and my family slowly eroded. That is just as destructive. My children deserve better. > > > > Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. Where do I find the strength? > > > > Thank you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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