Please help.

[Guest guest]

Hello all. I am very much hoping this is -- finally -- the place to find a

couple of answers.

Thank you, in advance, to anyone that takes the time to read and reply. A bit of

guidance is so desperately needed right now. I apologise this is so long. I

don't know how to shorten it.

So, my story:

I have come to firmly believe my Mother has BPD. I have been searching for a

diagnosis for her for many years, off and on. For a very long time I believed

she had bipolar disorder, and she might, I don't know. Finally, I was honest

with a few family friends that work in the mental health field and they

independantly suggested BPD. I was terrified that was actually it, but forced

myself to investigate. Now, I am convinced it is.

My mom is 60 years old and has had a very difficult life, to say the least. She

suffered a great deal of sexual, mental, physical, and emotional abuse as a

child. The history is long and complicated. As she got older, she bounced from

one bad marriage to another. She met my father in her mid 20s (her 4th husband)

and they had 2 kids (myself and my younger sister). I am 35.

My childhood was the " walking on eggshells " that I have always called it and now

understand is closely linked to BPD. My father always referred to Mom as " Dr.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. " I suffered signficant amounts of physical, mental, and

emotional abuse. My house was a terrible place to grow up. At one point, when I

started cutting myself in middle school, my mother hauled me around to several

psychiatrists. They all told her the same thing: the problem is the home and the

parents, not the child. Mom refused to accept that and kept looking until she

found one that said it was my fault and he could fix me.

As is common in BPD, I never knew what to expect. The lies, deceit,

manipulation, threats, rage, verbal onslaughts were frequent and harsh. The

other side is the perfect, sunny, loving, giving side. She has both. It was, and

still is, confusing.

When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed and treated for a rare condition called a

Chiari One malformation. That and the associated problems have caused her

chronic pain and medical conditions -- or so I have always been told. But then

again, who knows? I don't know which lies to believe or not believe any longer.

I do believe she has some chronic pain and loss of function, though.

Mom has never been able to hold down a job or maintain a stable relationship.

She flits from one crisis to another and thrives on drama. But, over the years,

she seemed to mellow a bit.

I managed to escape it all and put much needed distance between us. I went away

to college and then moved a few different places in the country that was far

from her. I talked on the phone with her, but only saw her every 1-2 years.

Unfortunately during that time, my sister suffered the brunt of our mother's

illness.

A few years ago, I met and married my husband. We decided to have kids and now

have a wonderful 2 year old son and a lovely 1 year old daughter. After my son

was born, my mother came out to visit for a couple of months to care for him

until I could get him in daycare. She decided she needed out of her current

relationship and wanted to come live with me permanently to care for him. I

thought we were in a better place with our relationship and I could make it

work. I intended for her to get her own place in town and I would do what I

could for her -- it was my turn, afterall. My sister had already done her time.

She has been living in the basement apartment of our house for the last year. I

have found myself in old patterns with her. Anger, rage, hurt. I find myself

putting her needs first and working the rest of my family around her because I

fear what happens if I don't. The rage that spews forth... the hurt... the

insults... the abuse... is so toxic for everyone that I avoid it at all costs.

It is costing too much. I have 2 toddlers and a husband -- THEIR needs

should come first. Not my mother's.

I can't get her into her own place, there is always one excuse after another. I

can't kick her out, she has no where to go, but the streets. If I suggest she

get her own place, I am accused of trying to kick her out, not loving her, being

mean, being ungrateful, am given a terrible guilt trip, etc. All the usual.

This summer I had decided to draw the line. I needed boundaries. I didn't want

my kids raised around this any longer. I didn't want my husband to suffer any

longer. Enough was enough. I started to prepare myself for the guilt trips, the

threats of suicide and self harm, the blame, the anger, the hurt, the pain.

Yeah... well. Huh. Right when I was trying to find strength, she got diagnosed

with a gall stone. When they did the surgery to remove the gall bladder, they

found cancer. So, she still has the health problems of the gall stone (they

couldn't remove it) and now has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Great

timing. Thanks for that Universe. Just what I needed.

I tried to put everything else aside and just get through this. She has surgery

scheduled for a few weeks from now and then chemo after that. Needless to say,

this difficult diagnosis has made her even worse. Just this last weekend was

constant turmoil in my house. She flew off the handle several different times

for no real reason. Even going as far as saying she wasn't getting treated for

the cancer as there was no point. She was just " done " and going to die. Her

suicide threats have morphed to this. Gah!

What do I do??? My husband says after all we have done for her (supported her,

given her a place to stay, food, shelter, a car, helped with everything she

needed -- she can't even go to a doctor visit without me), she doesn't have the

right to be abusive to us... cancer or no cancer. He's right. But how do I force

my mom into facing this on top of everything else? She's always refused to seek

help for her issues.

How do I tell my mother, whom I really love and just want to be happy, that I

can't have this in my life anymore? Right when she is dealing with cancer? The

eggshells in my house are so fragile right now I can't sneeze without worrying

if my mother is going to come unglued. I can't live like that. I won't have my

children live like that.

But how do I destroy my mom when she is battling cancer? Her treatment hasn't

even started! But I can't continue to see myself and my family slowly eroded.

That is just as destructive. My children deserve better.

Please help! I'm so lost. So confused. So hurt. So scared. Where do I find the

strength?

Thank you.