Putting boundaries in place

[Guest guest]

Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have a

quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic, happy "

nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, told

me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah blah.... its

always about money and how i dont deserve it.

So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I am no

longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i wont call

her.

Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

How frustrating it must be to have her switch back and forth like that! I hate

when they act like they should be revered like gods for doing something that any

other parent would do just normally for their children, like help with the

wedding. Ug.

My suggestion is to not bother announcing your intention. When she calls after

6pm, merely don't answer the phone or answer justlong enough to say " hi mom, I

can't talk this evening, I'll chat with you in the morning/afternoon/name your

specific time. " and hang up. Every time she calls after 6pm, do this. Eventually

she'll be " potty-trained. " I think announcing your intention might open another

can of worms.

Hope that helps,

>

> Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have a

quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

>

> When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

>

> Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic,

happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and

ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah

blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

>

> So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I am

no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i wont

call her.

>

> Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Yep pretty frustrating... " revered like Gods " is exactly it. Kinda like having

children was an obligation to her, and a waste of her money... geez, and before

i knew about BPD i actually believed i was selfish and ungrateful.

Yes that is helpful, maybe 'potty training' as you say is a better was to go

about it....after all....she is really just a child alot of the time.

Thanks, il give it a go.

> >

> > Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have

a quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

> >

> > When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

> >

> > Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic,

happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and

ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah

blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

> >

> > So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I

am no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i

wont call her.

> >

> > Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Potty training - thats the nail on the head!!! I've got waif boss fairly

well potty trained by now

> **

>

>

> Hi ,

> Yep pretty frustrating... " revered like Gods " is exactly it. Kinda like

> having children was an obligation to her, and a waste of her money... geez,

> and before i knew about BPD i actually believed i was selfish and

> ungrateful.

> Yes that is helpful, maybe 'potty training' as you say is a better was to

> go about it....after all....she is really just a child alot of the time.

> Thanks, il give it a go.

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to

> have a quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I

> knew that in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I

> took a chance cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her

> buisness is going well this week and i went out with her a week ago and we

> had a great day....i guess i figured i was pretty safe.

> > >

> > > When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone

> else has experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke

> slurring words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

> > >

> > > Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from "

> enthusiastic, happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being

> selfish and ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my

> wedding blah blah blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

> > >

> > > So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her

> that I am no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call

> me and i wont call her.

> > >

> > > Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did

> the BP respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just

> laugh at me and tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really

> important to protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It really is like training a dog not to chew on your shoes. You stick pennies in

a can and scare the beejesus out of the animal until they don't chew on your

shoes anymore.

> > > >

> > > > Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to

> > have a quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I

> > knew that in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I

> > took a chance cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her

> > buisness is going well this week and i went out with her a week ago and we

> > had a great day....i guess i figured i was pretty safe.

> > > >

> > > > When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone

> > else has experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke

> > slurring words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

> > > >

> > > > Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from "

> > enthusiastic, happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being

> > selfish and ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my

> > wedding blah blah blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

> > > >

> > > > So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her

> > that I am no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call

> > me and i wont call her.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did

> > the BP respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just

> > laugh at me and tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really

> > important to protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

this is a great metaphor..... Now i will think of my mother like my cat. My cat

used to howl at my window every morning around 5am (really pissed me off). When

she started doing this i would let her in because i felt bad for her that she

was out in the cold (even though it was her own fault she was out there in the

first place, she knows we lock the cat door at night and should have come in

before).

But then i just got annoyed and ignored her when she came to my window... i

didnt give in to her pleas to comfort her....and eventally she got the message

and stopped going outside at night (after several weeks of ignoring i might

add).

haha, this will also help me to laugh at the crazy things she does..... its ok,

mums just a little cat....she cant really get to me. Just ignore the silly cat.

hehe

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me

to

> > > have a quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days).

I

> > > knew that in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'.

I

> > > took a chance cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her

> > > buisness is going well this week and i went out with her a week ago and we

> > > had a great day....i guess i figured i was pretty safe.

> > > > >

> > > > > When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone

> > > else has experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke

> > > slurring words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from "

> > > enthusiastic, happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being

> > > selfish and ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my

> > > wedding blah blah blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve

it.

> > > > >

> > > > > So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her

> > > that I am no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call

> > > me and i wont call her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did

> > > the BP respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just

> > > laugh at me and tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its

really

> > > important to protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Boundaries are awesome-usually my mom and grandmom respond after whinng about it

from time to time but also find that explaining about it is futile-i just keep

general explanaiyons about having something else to do but good for you!

>

> Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have a

quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

>

> When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

>

> Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic,

happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and

ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah

blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

>

> So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I am

no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i wont

call her.

>

> Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've had to do that, and have taken small baby steps in setting up

boundaries.

For me, telling my mother that I'm going to do something doesn't really work. I

just do it. We went from talking 3-7 times a day (really from her calling to

talk nonstop that many times a day) to once a day and now, once a week. It has

not been easy at all.

As you said, nada just laughs at it or doesn't take it seriously. The hard part

for me is understanding that nada doesn't have to be on board with my decision.

It still bothers me, like I have to convince her.

Definitely something for you to think about after your wedding; you must have

your hands full -- congrats, btw!!!! I hope you have a great day and hope nada

behaves!

Have you read " Boundaries " ? That's a good book.

Fiona

>

> Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have a

quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

>

> When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

>

> Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic,

happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and

ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah

blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

>

> So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I am

no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i wont

call her.

>

> Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Great job! That is odd...does she take tranquilizers or anything? I had an aunt

that used to talk for hours when we would go see her, late into the night and

only recently I found out she was on valium or something along those lines,

hence the slurred speech and unending talking. I did not know this growing up,

the extent to which my family was addicted, on both sides.

>

> Hello group, I phoned Nada at 8:30pm last night because she asked me to have a

quick chat with her about wedding stuff (my wedding is in 12days). I knew that

in the evenings she is usually quite 'unstable' or 'vulnerable'. I took a chance

cos i thought she couldnt possibly have a problem, her buisness is going well

this week and i went out with her a week ago and we had a great day....i guess i

figured i was pretty safe.

>

> When she answered the phone she sounded wierd...dont know if anyone else has

experienced nada or fada sounding " drunk " when they're not?? LIke slurring

words, not making sense, sounding childlike??

>

> Anyways....5mins into the conversation she switched from " enthusiastic,

happy " nada to " OH-SO-Negative " nada. Accused me of being selfish and

ungrateful, told me she shouldnt have paid for things for my wedding blah blah

blah.... its always about money and how i dont deserve it.

>

> So.... putting boundaries in place is my next step. I will tell her that I am

no longer available to talk to her after 6pm. She is not to call me and i wont

call her.

>

> Has anyone else put boundaries in place like this?? did it work? did the BP

respect your decision. I have a feeling she and my dad will just laugh at me and

tell me to stop being ridiculous. But i feel like its really important to

protect myself. There has to be consequences for her actions.

>

>

>