Will I go help Nada? Hell, NO!!

[Guest guest]

So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to be

in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives. He

calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to " check

in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if you

drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and unreasonable,

with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

[Guest guest]

Hay there! Definately do NOT go over when your mother is alone. She wil be

feeling " abandoned " because your brother has gone away and will be feeling very

vulnerable. If she is anything like my own mother then this vulnerability will

make her very quick to snap at you. ANYTHING you do will be seen as against her.

The most you could do is phone her, that way you can keep your distance while

still " looking out for her " .

My father is the same as your brother, he is always saying " yes, i know she is

unreasonable sometimes but she is still your mother!! " Its really sad, because

the only reason he says this is because he is scared of her, if he admits she is

wrong and supports me then mum will totally lose it....maybe even threaten to

hurt herself. Hes also scared of the consequences of telling her to stop (What

if people find out shes crazy?!)Plus it is just easier for him to just 'wash his

hands of her " and leave me to " fix her " . FIXING IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY....you

must remember that always, and dont feel guilty for thinking this.

the only person responsible for your mothers actions is your mother. YOU are

responsible for only you...not your mum or your brother.

>

> So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to be

> in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives. He

> calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to " check

> in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if you

> drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and unreasonable,

> with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

unfortunately getting your bro to understand isnt your responsibility either. He

will get there in his own time. He does have to respect your wishes not to be

involved though.

What i do is send my dad little paragraphs from the book " walking on eggshells -

taking your life back when someone you love has BPD " . He doesnt respond to the

emails usually but i know he reads them. And he will remember them every time

nada does something wierd. Maybe try this?? Doesnt sound like your bro will just

sit down with the book on his own and read it.

> >

> > So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> > several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to be

> > in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> > My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives. He

> > calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to " check

> > in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> > She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> > food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if you

> > drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> > It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> > last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> > She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and unreasonable,

> > with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> > I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> > doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> > know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> > How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> > always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow, it sounds like my brother and me; he is so far up her butt...

What I do with him is I just avoid him. I don't take his calls and if he leaves

a message, I just write back an email.

lol; " talk her into getting her teeth fixed " !! if she hasn't done it yet, she's

not going to!

I love my brother dearly, too. It pains me to see how he's allowed our mother to

make him her surrogate husband. I just don't want to be around when he wakes

up. It's gonna be ugly.

>

> So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to be

> in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives. He

> calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to " check

> in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if you

> drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and unreasonable,

> with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It s not up to you to make him " get it " . If he chooses to be an

enabler or monkey, that is his choice. You are an adult. YOu get to

make your own.

My nada expressed a pathological fear of dentists, demanding to be put

to sleep for minor procedures. When she had diffuculties late in life,

she bemoaned it endlessly, but refused to go. When she saw an Oral

Surgeon she was appalled that she would have to PAY. I found out she

had a dental plan that would help with most of it, but not with the mean

surgeon she hated, but kept going back to, to fight about the cost!

I found a practice that would accept her plan, made her an appointment,

made arrangements to take her, to pay the co pay, and OF COURSE she

found excuses not to go.

Lesson:

You cannot help a BP do shit. They will not let you. They will fight

you and hinder you every step.

Yet, they will also demand that you DO help them, and whine and make

themselves abused victims of an unloving son when you don t, while

forgiving you and making excuses for you, so people will say, oh she is

so understanding of that little bastard.

Crazy you say?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Damn right its crazy. Are we learning yet?

Doug

>

> So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to

be

> in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives.

He

> calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to

" check

> in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if

you

> drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and

unreasonable,

> with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" but she's your Maaaaaaaaaaather "

yes we have heard it. Its bullshit. Classic hoover. UUUUUGGGGhh!!!

> **

>

>

>

> It s not up to you to make him " get it " . If he chooses to be an

> enabler or monkey, that is his choice. You are an adult. YOu get to

> make your own.

>

> My nada expressed a pathological fear of dentists, demanding to be put

> to sleep for minor procedures. When she had diffuculties late in life,

> she bemoaned it endlessly, but refused to go. When she saw an Oral

> Surgeon she was appalled that she would have to PAY. I found out she

> had a dental plan that would help with most of it, but not with the mean

> surgeon she hated, but kept going back to, to fight about the cost!

>

> I found a practice that would accept her plan, made her an appointment,

> made arrangements to take her, to pay the co pay, and OF COURSE she

> found excuses not to go.

>

> Lesson:

>

> You cannot help a BP do shit. They will not let you. They will fight

> you and hinder you every step.

>

> Yet, they will also demand that you DO help them, and whine and make

> themselves abused victims of an unloving son when you don t, while

> forgiving you and making excuses for you, so people will say, oh she is

> so understanding of that little bastard.

>

> Crazy you say?

>

> Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

>

> Damn right its crazy. Are we learning yet?

>

>

>

> Doug

>

>

>

> >

> > So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> > several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to

> be

> > in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> > My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives.

> He

> > calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to

> " check

> > in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> > She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> > food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if

> you

> > drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> > It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> > last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> > She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and

> unreasonable,

> > with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> > I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> > doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> > know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> > How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> > always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

200 miles? Good grief.

She needs professional help, and he needs to be told that you aren't qualified

to give it to her. Tell him to hire a nurse or caregiver for those times when he

can't be there. Bayada nurses or someone like that can help him. Maybe there is

some insurance he or she has that can pay for it. It sounds like he has taken

her on since she's on his property so it is something he needs to deal with.

This is a good opportunity to demonstrate for him that you are not willing to

get involved in this, period, so that he can come to acceptance he is going to

have to start bringing in professionals to cope with her increasing medical

needs. I think some temp agencies deal with caregivers and things like that now

if I am not mistaken. It's a reality he is going to have to face. It would

behoove him to bring in professionals anyway at this point because they can help

him determine if and when she needs to be institutionalized. Heck no I would not

enable him to not face the reality of what is coming, good for you for putting

your foot down.

>

> So I just got a phone call from my brother- he's leaving town for

> several days, to attend his daughter-in-law's funeral, then he has to be

> in Las Vegas for business on Monday.

> My (our) nada lives in a house on his property, where he also lives. He

> calls me to see if I'll go up for the weekend, 200 miles away, to " check

> in on her " and " see if you can talk her into getting her teeth fixed. "

> She has a dental bridge that is broken, supposedly can't chew solid

> food, but refused to go to the dentist today " because they asked if you

> drink water with fluoride in it on that form. " !!??!!

> It's been 28 years since she has been to a dentist, and 46 since she

> last saw a doctor.And I flat refuse to get involved in any of it!!!

> She's 81 years old, totally bpd and extremely volatile and unreasonable,

> with maybe a bit of dementia setting in.

> I refuse to even be in the house with her alone. But my brother just

> doesn't get it. I told him to look up bpd, and all he'd say was " yes I

> know she's crazy but she is our mom. " ACK!!!!!!

> How do ya'll handle siblings like my bro? I love him dearly, and he's

> always trying to help, but he just doesn't get it about mom.

>

>

>