Detaching emotionally: old habits die hard...I'm still terrified of her!

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging on

about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She said

she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her shrink?

she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

'But she's going to hate me'

'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you are

going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time, can't

concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit. She's

going to be horrible to me.'

She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional detachment?

I hope so!

Sara

[Guest guest]

it's pretty much a daily thing for me. I have just been able to truly detach

through a series of things that happened over the last six months. Now I think

of it like when you see a child that is about to put their hand on a hot stove,

you rush over to the child and get between them and the hot item before they can

get burned. The grown up me is the one that gets between me and nada and her

shenanigans, and the child is the one that longs to be 'attached' emotionally,

so I constantly have to comfort and protect the child myself. I wasn't able to

do this before, because I had *her* belief system about me in my head and

heart. For me it took watching her blatantly not protect, and not be even able

to protect, my nephews, to make me realize she'd lied to me about myself the

entire time. Only when I let go of all her lies about me (which only came about

because I *knew* that my nephews were innocent, pure, an angelic, and that I was

once their age, when she was telling me I was rotten and everything was my

fault, then I could see myself as I truly was back then, innocent, pure, and

angelic.) Before I would just come here and talk and other people would be

validating and supportive but at my core I still held her beliefs about me, and

she pulled those strings like a puppeteer. Now, through seeing her behavior with

my nephews, it has given me a completely new outlook, so it's easier to detach

and be strong for the little kid in me.

>

> Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

>

> I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

>

> For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging on

about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

>

> Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She said

she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

>

> 'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her shrink?

she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

>

> 'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

>

> 'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

>

> 'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

>

> 'But she's going to hate me'

>

> 'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you are

going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time, can't

concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

>

> 'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit.

She's going to be horrible to me.'

>

> She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

>

> How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

>

> Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

>

> Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional

detachment? I hope so!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

" How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!! !! "

Sigh. Yes. I haven't made it further down the road. I'm still on the road with

you and so many of us!

But, - good for you!! - for even that brief glimpse of detachment. To me,

that says a lot. That it's a gradual process and you will eventually get there.

I'm proud of you!!

I had to laugh as I read your post. That's exactly how I get prior to seeing

nada, whether or not there's crisis brewing. It's just all adrenaline, all the

time.

We'll get there eventually.

Fiona

>

> Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

>

> I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

>

> For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging on

about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

>

> Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She said

she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

>

> 'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her shrink?

she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

>

> 'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

>

> 'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

>

> 'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

>

> 'But she's going to hate me'

>

> 'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you are

going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time, can't

concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

>

> 'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit.

She's going to be horrible to me.'

>

> She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

>

> How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

>

> Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

>

> Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional

detachment? I hope so!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for so accurately putting into words the ups and downs we feel when

dealing with our BPD relatives. For me, the communication is often through

gchats because my nada needs to stay in constant contact with me when I am at

work. I go through the cycle you described (internal chatter, what if's,

accelerated heartrate, chest tightening, nauseua) each time I see the words

" typing... " while she is writing her message to me but before I can actually see

what she wrote. If its something neutral or positive I feel such relief. Its a

crazy roller coaster we ride.

I'm still new to the group and I so appreciate when I read a post like this and

can be validated in knowing I'm not alone.

>

> Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

>

> I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

>

> For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging on

about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

>

> Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She said

she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

>

> 'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her shrink?

she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

>

> 'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

>

> 'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

>

> 'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

>

> 'But she's going to hate me'

>

> 'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you are

going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time, can't

concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

>

> 'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit.

She's going to be horrible to me.'

>

> She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

>

> How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

>

> Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

>

> Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional

detachment? I hope so!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Sara,

It does get easier. You are just learning these skills, and at first it is

almost impossible to quiet the mind of " what ifs. "

I think for me 2 things finally started driving it home 1) figuring out the BPD

part (meant she really IS sick and it wasn't just me being sensitive). This has

allowed me to feel more confident in my version of events instead of always

questioning my thinking; and 2) Shear exhaustion to the point of " who really

cares " what she thinks.

Her thinking is skewed, and I can't fix it, I know *I* am ok and she has an

untreatable personality disorder (she's pushing 80). The hopelessness of the

situation finally hit me, and its helping me to let go.

And you are right, if we really look at them, the are not the same people from

20 years ago--they are diminished with age & mental illness. This helps me gain

perspective too.

>

> Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

>

> I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

>

> For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging on

about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

>

> Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She said

she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

>

> 'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her shrink?

she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

>

> 'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

>

> 'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

>

> 'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

>

> 'But she's going to hate me'

>

> 'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you are

going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time, can't

concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

>

> 'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit.

She's going to be horrible to me.'

>

> She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

>

> How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

>

> Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

>

> Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional

detachment? I hope so!

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everyone who responded!

It's great to hear from those of you who have made it further down the path -

and hear how you got/are getting there - well done!

Likewise, great to hear from other people who are at a similar point to me.

Makes me feel like I can keep trying and that I'm going on the right path.

Thanks to all for sharing yet again, this group is amazing, its so validating to

realise that our responses to things are so similar and thus so clearly

connected to being 'raised' (not raised) by nadas and/or fadas. I used to think

I was 'mad/weird/odd' for all this stuff...Such a relief to learn that I'm

'normal'!

Sara

> >

> > Just wanted to share a few thoughts...

> >

> > I've been in good form recently. My 6 months of therapy, through which I've

finally come to realise that my mother has BPD, has coincided with nada being

diagnosed with psychosis and me being able to really believe that she is

mentally ill.

> >

> > For the first time in my life (during my last visit), while she was banging

on about being under surveillance, and feeling anxious, and sounding 'little

girly', and responding gratefully when I spoke to her in the sort of tone you'd

normally reserve for a tearful 4-year-old, I looked at her and felt detached

pity/empathy. I saw an old, mentally ill woman, not a (my) mother. Revolutionary

- I think! Finally, I get it. Finally, I can free myself from this warped

attachment.

> >

> > Not so easy...two days ago she had a check up with the psychiatrist. She

said she would text me after the appointment to let me know how it went. The

appointment is at 12. 12 comes and goes. 1 comes and goes. 2 comes and goes. No

text. 3 comes and goes. Then 4. All the while my internal chatter is going:

> >

> > 'Sh!t. What if she's found out that I discussed the psychosis with her

shrink? she'll know I lied to her about what we talked about.'

> >

> > 'It doesn't matter. What if she has. You didn't have a choice. You had to.'

> >

> > 'But she is going to go mental' (Heart rate is speeding up, chest getting

tighter, nausea rising)

> >

> > 'That's okay. She has mental health problems. She is going to have rages and

hysteria fits from time to time. I don't need to react. It's really not

something I need to be concerned about.'

> >

> > 'But she's going to hate me'

> >

> > 'No she won't. Even if she does, so what, its her issue, its not like you

are going to miss speaking to her or anything.' (Full-on edgy by this time,

can't concentrate on my work. Checking my phone for a text every few minutes).

> >

> > 'But this is a disaster! She's gonna ignore me and sulk when I next visit.

She's going to be horrible to me.'

> >

> > She eventually texts. All is fine. She's not angry. She hasn't 'found' out

anything. My chest loosens. Nausea diminishes. Day returns to 'normal'.

> >

> > How I wish I could 'think' myself to detachment!!!!

> >

> > Long road ahead I guess....So I 'know' she's ill but I can't really feel it?

> >

> > Anyone else made it further than me down the long road to emotional

detachment? I hope so!

> >

> > Sara

> >

>