Is she trying to worm her way back?

[Guest guest]

nada called me very early this morning before I left for work to tell me she

still wasn't feeling well. Her opening sentence, though, was " Honey, I thought

you would've called me yesterday to ask how I'm feeling... " She didn't say it

meanly, just very, very waifly.

I ignored her emotion and hidden kind of accusation and just said, " oh, how are

you feeling right now? "

She went on to say her blood pressure was high b/c she went to the pharmacist to

get it checked. That's where I got kind of was confused: I said, " why didn't

you go to the dr? " She couldn't get an appt.

I said, " mom, if you're not feeling well, you should have just gone to the dr

and sat there until he would take you. I think you need to do that today. " Her

dr and pharmacist are about 3 blocks from each other. It's not like she was

physically unable to go.

Again in waif role, she says, " I should've gone to the dr, right? " Sigh.

Is she for real?? Do I really need to tell someone that they should see a dr if

they're not feeling well?

I believe she really isn't feeling well; she rarely misses work and for her to

miss work as she did today is a big deal. But I also feel like she's milking

this to get my attention. I've remained pretty Medium Chill-ish. Normally, I'd

go along with the rhythm of her drama... " OH MY GOD, what is it, mom?? are you

ok?? " And I think that's what she wants.

I'm just afraid that she'll be calling me every day to give me her update and

expect a call back and a visit and regular daily calls to check on her progress.

If I could, I would move far, far away. 7 blocks' distance sucks.

[Guest guest]

Fiona stay strong, don't pick up the phone unless its the time when you want

to talk!

On Thu, Aug 11, 2011 at 7:13 AM, Fiona wrote:

> **

>

>

> nada called me very early this morning before I left for work to tell me

> she still wasn't feeling well. Her opening sentence, though, was " Honey, I

> thought you would've called me yesterday to ask how I'm feeling... " She

> didn't say it meanly, just very, very waifly.

>

> I ignored her emotion and hidden kind of accusation and just said, " oh, how

> are you feeling right now? "

>

> She went on to say her blood pressure was high b/c she went to the

> pharmacist to get it checked. That's where I got kind of was confused: I

> said, " why didn't you go to the dr? " She couldn't get an appt.

>

> I said, " mom, if you're not feeling well, you should have just gone to the

> dr and sat there until he would take you. I think you need to do that

> today. " Her dr and pharmacist are about 3 blocks from each other. It's not

> like she was physically unable to go.

>

> Again in waif role, she says, " I should've gone to the dr, right? " Sigh.

>

> Is she for real?? Do I really need to tell someone that they should see a

> dr if they're not feeling well?

>

> I believe she really isn't feeling well; she rarely misses work and for her

> to miss work as she did today is a big deal. But I also feel like she's

> milking this to get my attention. I've remained pretty Medium Chill-ish.

> Normally, I'd go along with the rhythm of her drama... " OH MY GOD, what is

> it, mom?? are you ok?? " And I think that's what she wants.

>

> I'm just afraid that she'll be calling me every day to give me her update

> and expect a call back and a visit and regular daily calls to check on her

> progress.

>

> If I could, I would move far, far away. 7 blocks' distance sucks.

>

>

[Guest guest]

The Waif might *want* us to solve all her problems for her, but what she *needs*

us to do is let her do it herself.

" If you're not feeling well, I'm sure you can figure out a way to get help on

your own. I'm not a doctor and I can't help you. "

You're right; she can drive over to the doctor. She can go to the ER (A lot of

people with BPD looooovvvvvee the ER, btw. " Emergency " is right there in the

name!) She could even throw herself in a dramatic heap on the floor of the

pharmacy until they call her an ambulance if she wants. And she can figure out

how to do those things on her own, without you doing it for her. She called you

because she wants you to pay attention to her. She wants *you* to tell her what

to do, because it makes her feel like you care.

I agree, don't answer if you don't want to. And if you do, and she pulls more of

that I'm-ready-to-swoon garbage, it's okay to flat-out say, " That seems like a

pretty manipulative thing to say. I'm not for manipulating. Talk to you later. "

And hang up. Or, " I don't call you every day because I know you can take care of

your problems on your own. " etc.

SVA

[Guest guest]

It took me a while, but I finally figured out my nada pulls the waif stuff at

with the Dr's office too. She was having to get tests and follow up appointments

and she was not getting return appointments made timely, appointments with

specialists delayed, test results not coming in when expected, etc. If she

needed a prescription, she'd call and leave them a message which often didn't

get filled for days.

Every time I surged to her side like the proverbial white knight, volunteering

to take on the office staff she kept telling me " Oh, don't bother them. I'm sure

they will get back to me. " I finally put my foot down when we were out of

country together and she needed a RX faxed to a local pharmacy or else she would

have run out of diabetes meds.

I later pieced together that she was acting the waif " I'm just a poor old lady " ,

" I don't understand and am not going to try " with them and they were treating

her like a senile old bat. Earlier that same year she had been denying the

diabetes diagnosis, and they withheld elective surgery from her until she agreed

to go on meds and be counseled about dietary restrictions.

Medium Chill is really the best course--I hope you can stick with it.

>

> nada called me very early this morning before I left for work to tell me she

still wasn't feeling well. Her opening sentence, though, was " Honey, I thought

you would've called me yesterday to ask how I'm feeling... " She didn't say it

meanly, just very, very waifly.

>

> I ignored her emotion and hidden kind of accusation and just said, " oh, how

are you feeling right now? "

>

> She went on to say her blood pressure was high b/c she went to the pharmacist

to get it checked. That's where I got kind of was confused: I said, " why didn't

you go to the dr? " She couldn't get an appt.

>

> I said, " mom, if you're not feeling well, you should have just gone to the dr

and sat there until he would take you. I think you need to do that today. " Her

dr and pharmacist are about 3 blocks from each other. It's not like she was

physically unable to go.

>

> Again in waif role, she says, " I should've gone to the dr, right? " Sigh.

>

> Is she for real?? Do I really need to tell someone that they should see a dr

if they're not feeling well?

>

> I believe she really isn't feeling well; she rarely misses work and for her to

miss work as she did today is a big deal. But I also feel like she's milking

this to get my attention. I've remained pretty Medium Chill-ish. Normally, I'd

go along with the rhythm of her drama... " OH MY GOD, what is it, mom?? are you

ok?? " And I think that's what she wants.

>

> I'm just afraid that she'll be calling me every day to give me her update and

expect a call back and a visit and regular daily calls to check on her progress.

>

> If I could, I would move far, far away. 7 blocks' distance sucks.

>

>

[Guest guest]

A couple of years ago, my nada fell in her bedroom (she was living in a regular

apartment building then, alone) one evening, and hurt her wrist and forearm.

But nada didn't call anyone, not an ambulance or a cab or a bus or senior

transportation (ALL are available to her; she is not poor and could afford a cab

now and then; she only lives 2 miles from a large regional hospital with an

emergency room) or any of our relatives or a neighbor or a church friend to come

get her and take her in for an x-ray and treatment.

Nada decided, apparently, to use her accident as an opportunity to make my

Sister appear to be an uncaring, BAD daughter. Nada waited until around noon

the following morning to call Sister, and by that time her arm was swollen up

and red. Sure enough nada (who is elderly and has osteoporosis pretty badly)

had broken several bones in her wrist and arm. But at the doctor's, nada

claimed that she was not allowed to call Sister at night or at work, and even

though she was in great pain she waited until it was Sister's lunch break to

call her.

Nada lied to get attention and sympathy.

Sister has told our nada repeatedly that nada can call Sister any time if its an

emergency. Nada was not allowed to call Sister repeatedly and frequently just

because she wanted to chat or ask Sister to pick her up something at the grocery

store or remind Sister of nada's upcoming dental appointment, etc., etc.

Requests and chatting were for the regular once-a-week calls or for when Sister

came by for a visit.

So, bottom line, with my nada anyway, it was simply a no-win situation. Nada

was (still is?) not above lying to make herself look like a victim and make

Sister or me look like villains. She'd been given a boundary by Sister (once a

week calls only, except for emergencies) so she felt entitled to get even with

Sister by making her look hateful and uncaring.

As I've said, now that our nada has been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's,

her nasty behaviors are open and obvious, along with her hallucinations and

fixed delusions and paranoia and occasional physical violence. (From my point

of view, Alzheimer's is bpd " on steroids " or bpd with no brakes.)

So, in a bizarre and sad way, its now easier on Sister and me; her horrifically

negative, hurtful, mean behaviors can be attributed to Alzheimer's and people

just nod knowingly, sadly and sympathetically, whereas before, when her lifetime

of inflicting negative, hurtful bpd and npd behaviors on us was covert, we'd get

blank stares of incomprehension RE neither of us wanting contact with our Dear

Mother.

-Annie

>

> nada called me very early this morning before I left for work to tell me she

still wasn't feeling well. Her opening sentence, though, was " Honey, I thought

you would've called me yesterday to ask how I'm feeling... " She didn't say it

meanly, just very, very waifly.

>

> I ignored her emotion and hidden kind of accusation and just said, " oh, how

are you feeling right now? "

>

> She went on to say her blood pressure was high b/c she went to the pharmacist

to get it checked. That's where I got kind of was confused: I said, " why didn't

you go to the dr? " She couldn't get an appt.

>

> I said, " mom, if you're not feeling well, you should have just gone to the dr

and sat there until he would take you. I think you need to do that today. " Her

dr and pharmacist are about 3 blocks from each other. It's not like she was

physically unable to go.

>

> Again in waif role, she says, " I should've gone to the dr, right? " Sigh.

>

> Is she for real?? Do I really need to tell someone that they should see a dr

if they're not feeling well?

>

> I believe she really isn't feeling well; she rarely misses work and for her to

miss work as she did today is a big deal. But I also feel like she's milking

this to get my attention. I've remained pretty Medium Chill-ish. Normally, I'd

go along with the rhythm of her drama... " OH MY GOD, what is it, mom?? are you

ok?? " And I think that's what she wants.

>

> I'm just afraid that she'll be calling me every day to give me her update and

expect a call back and a visit and regular daily calls to check on her progress.

>

> If I could, I would move far, far away. 7 blocks' distance sucks.

>

>

[Guest guest]

" when her lifetime of inflicting negative, hurtful bpd and npd behaviors on us

was covert, we'd get blank stares of incomprehension RE neither of us wanting

contact with our Dear Mother. "

Annie, wow, I could see my mother doing that, absolutely.

In fact, she even shared last night that when she went to the dr, she " shared "

with him that her blood pressure must be up b/c " my daughter won't call me. "

I was kind of surprised at how little that bothered me.

thanks for sharing, Annie; I can relate to your sister so much and am gaining

courage in setting boundaries from the situation you're both in.

Fiona

> >

> > nada called me very early this morning before I left for work to tell me she

still wasn't feeling well. Her opening sentence, though, was " Honey, I thought

you would've called me yesterday to ask how I'm feeling... " She didn't say it

meanly, just very, very waifly.

> >

> > I ignored her emotion and hidden kind of accusation and just said, " oh, how

are you feeling right now? "

> >

> > She went on to say her blood pressure was high b/c she went to the

pharmacist to get it checked. That's where I got kind of was confused: I said,

" why didn't you go to the dr? " She couldn't get an appt.

> >

> > I said, " mom, if you're not feeling well, you should have just gone to the

dr and sat there until he would take you. I think you need to do that today. "

Her dr and pharmacist are about 3 blocks from each other. It's not like she was

physically unable to go.

> >

> > Again in waif role, she says, " I should've gone to the dr, right? " Sigh.

> >

> > Is she for real?? Do I really need to tell someone that they should see a dr

if they're not feeling well?

> >

> > I believe she really isn't feeling well; she rarely misses work and for her

to miss work as she did today is a big deal. But I also feel like she's milking

this to get my attention. I've remained pretty Medium Chill-ish. Normally, I'd

go along with the rhythm of her drama... " OH MY GOD, what is it, mom?? are you

ok?? " And I think that's what she wants.

> >

> > I'm just afraid that she'll be calling me every day to give me her update

and expect a call back and a visit and regular daily calls to check on her

progress.

> >

> > If I could, I would move far, far away. 7 blocks' distance sucks.

> >

> >