New and hoping for flea control...

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages of what

seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm nearly

finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two I've

come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning 21

next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with her,

even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never been

able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but she

has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she was

raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything other

than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell whether

it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me to see

that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy behaviours to

deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to know that I'm

not entirely to blame for the way I am.

I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as yet

unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis (a

chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this cycle

of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal abuse

I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

[Guest guest]

I also used to have lots of fleas too.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed of the

way I used to treat people. Â But the fleas do slowly go away and things do get

better with time and effort :-) Â I've been making efforts to be cognitive of my

emotions as opposed to just acting on them. Â It's tough, because I'm very

ashamed or embarrassed to admit to myself I have certain emotions.

I personally find emotionally self loathing humor (e.g. Louie CK) to be

cathartic.  Allows me to laugh at myself.  Though he is a bit obscene.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, March 26, 2012 10:47 PM

Subject: New and hoping for flea control...

Â

Hi Everyone,

I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages of what

seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm nearly

finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two I've

come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning 21

next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with her,

even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never been

able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but she

has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she was

raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything other

than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell whether

it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me to see

that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy behaviours to

deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to know that I'm

not entirely to blame for the way I am.

I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as yet

unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis (a

chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this cycle

of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal abuse

I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

[Guest guest]

You sound like me at about the same age!

I'd have migraines every day then, and chronic IBS. The best advice I can give

you is to find a competent therapist who knows about BPD issues and more

importantly, you can develop a trusting relationship with.

The first therapist I had was so-so. He got me over the immediate hurdle I had

(he was referred by insurance co). The second therapist I had was referred

through my doctor. She developed a nurturing relationship with me, placing

herself in the role of 'mother' until I had enough good feedback from her to

build up my self esteem. Eventually, I became able to 'parent' myself. I didn't

know that she was standing in for my mother at the time--I would have rejected

it had I known! To this day I send HER a mother's day card--for she is the one

who finally helped my soul transcend from my own mother's hatred of me and

herself.

For migraines, I have found a few tricks over the years. Mine are either tied to

stress reaction (tensing shoulder, neck and gut areas) or hormonal. Regular

exercise helps some, to keep the tension down. If you want a comprehensive list

of what has helped me, please email me and I'll be glad to share them with you.

The tensing of my gut also causes digestive problems--probably from shutting

down the vagus nerve due to hiatal hernia. Stress is a killer.

Mindfulness meditation helps too. Often you can find a local group that will let

you learn it for free to on a donation basis. Check the internet, Facebook, the

local hospitals with wellness centers, the nearest Buddhist temple and even the

local chapter of Quakers for listings.

Overcoming FLEAS seems to be a forever battle--I'm better all the time, maybe

98%, but never completely free.

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop Walking

on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages of what

seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm nearly

finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two I've

come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning 21

next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

>

> My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with

her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never

been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but

she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she

was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything

other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

>

> However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

>

> I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as

yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis

(a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

>

> Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

>

> I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

>

> But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

>

> I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I have a different definition of " flea " behaviors.

To me, what you are describing are *injuries* received from having grown up in

an abusive or negligent home. Stress-induced conditions such as c-PTSD,

anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and the various auto-immune diseases

are injuries due to being chronically bullied, shamed, abused, assaulted,

exploited, molested or neglected by those society trusts to protect and nurture

you, the child.

I think of " flea " behaviors as the bpd / npd diagnostic behaviors:

high impulsivity, lack of empathy, black and white thinking, fear of

abandonment, hair-trigger temper/violence/chronic irritability, rapid mood

swings, self-harming behaviors, blaming, projecting, a sense of entitlement,

pathological lying, pathological self-absorption, chronic feelings of emptiness,

unstable sense of self, treating other people like objects/exploitative

behavior, having breaks with reality under stress (paranoia and delusional

thinking), and cognitive distortion (unable to perceive incoming emotional

information accurately.), etc.

Just my interpretation of what " fleas " are. I used to have that bpd chronic

irritability and hair-trigger temper, but it made me loathe myself because that

was acting like my nada. I made a conscious effort to drop that and drop her

perfectionism as well, for the same reasons. But I wish I'd gotten therapy as a

young adult, I think I would have made much more progress more quickly with a

good therapist.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> >

> > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with

her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never

been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but

she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she

was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything

other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

> >

> > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> >

> > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as

yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis

(a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> >

> > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> >

> > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> >

> > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> >

> > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the practical advice on exercise, I plan to implement that. How did

you go about getting a therapist? I don't know where to start. Seeing as I still

live at home, I'm not really sure how to go about explaining why I need to go to

one either; since I had such a " nice " childhood... *sigh*

I've gone on a dairy and gluten free diet, since I suspect I have celiac

disease, and have found some considerable relief from that, but am beginning to

doubt whether it's really celiac disease, and more stress related. I never

really fathomed how much pressure I was living in all the time until now - I

just tense up when I'm at home without even realizing it. :-/

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> >

> > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with

her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never

been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but

she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she

was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything

other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

> >

> > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> >

> > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as

yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis

(a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> >

> > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> >

> > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> >

> > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> >

> > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for bringing that up - I guess you're right, all though I do also feel I

have some of the fleas you mentioned, like feelings of emptiness, irritability,

self harming behavior (I used to pull my hair out and pick at my skin, though

I've mostly been able to stop.).

I had never heard of C-PTSD, I've been looking it up...

What helped you to control your irritability and perfectionism?

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > >

> > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > >

> > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an

as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > >

> > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> > >

> > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > >

> > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > >

> > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I used to pick at my skin all the time, too. Especially pimples, small

scabs, flakes of dry skin, bumps, etc. I would actually take a cuticle

scissor to my face to cut the heads of the pimples off, or a sanitized

needle to poke it. It wasn't until my husband (boyfriend at the time)

caught me cutting the pimples, and he told me, bluntly, that it was

self-injury.

Well, it's not " used to " because I still pick my skin a lot, so I admire

you that you've been able to stop that for the most part

I still struggle with the perfectionism and irritability, but I've been

getting better. It's been 3 years since I was " disowned " and little over 2

years since I've gone 100% NC, and I'm still recovering.

hugs to you, and may we all heal.

> **

>

>

> Hi Annie,

> Thanks for bringing that up - I guess you're right, all though I do also

> feel I have some of the fleas you mentioned, like feelings of emptiness,

> irritability, self harming behavior (I used to pull my hair out and pick at

> my skin, though I've mostly been able to stop.).

> I had never heard of C-PTSD, I've been looking it up...

>

> What helped you to control your irritability and perfectionism?

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through

> the pages of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my

> mother. I'm nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the

> past year or two I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong

> with her. I'm turning 21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need

> to figure things out and change my life, I appreciate so much that there

> are forums like this to talk to others who have gone through the same thing.

> > > >

> > > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything

> wrong with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was

> bizarre. I've never been able to learn what might have caused or

> contributed to her condition, but she has mentioned a difficult childhood

> from time to time. It seems probable she was raised in a violent abusive

> household, but won't talk about it in anything other than vague terms. My

> dad says that she was like this as long as he's been married to her, and

> has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After reading SWOE, I

> realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all around.

> > > >

> > > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't

> tell whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum

> helped me to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted

> unhealthy behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to

> have lifted to know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > > >

> > > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go

> away, an as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting

> itself as Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But

> all that seems trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat

> someone else the way I've been treated. I can be easily irritated by small

> sounds, twitches and ticks of those close to me. At times it feels as if my

> skin is crawling just because I can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my

> unreasonable irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more

> miserable than ever.

> > > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid

> hurting anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've

> done so far to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined

> that this cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the

> misery of verbal abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to

> deal with the things I'm feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more

> intense than an average person's, and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond

> help as my mom seems to be.

> > > >

> > > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame

> all my problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault.

> When I was younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill,

> blaming myself for her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I

> convinced myself everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live,

> and all I did was cause pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me

> with dread.

> > > >

> > > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever,

> I got straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my

> best to be kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone

> thought we were the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working,

> creative, artistic. My teachers loved me, and not a small number of my

> peers seemed to resent me for being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I

> have a lot of acquaintances, but only a few I would call close friends. I

> would keep them in the dark about my mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure

> they could tell that I was suffering. It's only been in the last few months

> I've opened up to one or two about it, and am very grateful for their

> kindly listening to me.

> > > >

> > > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my

> way of thinking, and empathize with others.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

RE getting a referral to a psychologist, one good resource is to ask your

general practitioner / your regular doctor, for a referral in your area. Or if

you're in school/college, many schools have a school psychologist available for

the students, or they can probably give you a referral. When you interview the

psychologist, ask whether he or she has experience treating the adult children

of personality-disordered parents, or has experience with the adult children of

alcoholic/druggie parents. The abusive behaviors inflicted on the kids are

similar.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > >

> > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > >

> > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an

as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > >

> > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> > >

> > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > >

> > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > >

> > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

RE irritability, I just decided that it was more important to me to NOT be like

my mom, and I decided that I would not let myself be like that. Nobody can help

the way they feel, but we can sure decide to control our behaviors if we want

to. So for me it was a conscious decision to hold my tongue, exactly as

difficult as deciding to not have that second helping of potatoes or just have

one candy bar, which for me is horribly difficult. And after a while, holding

my temper got easier.

I was able to drop the perfectionism when it gradually dawned on me that it

wasn't making me lovable, or happy, or adding anything positive to my life. It

felt more like me punishing myself, because I could never achieve perfection.

And it was a hallmark trait of my nada, and I did NOT want to be like her. So,

I got pissed off enough to just decide " the hell with it, screw perfectionism, I

just don't care if its not perfect any more. " (Whatever " it " happened to be at

the moment.)

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder isn't an official diagnoses currently; I

don't know if its going to be added in the new edition of the DSM (V) or not,

but its got proponents in the psychiatric community who believe there is a need

to differentiate between the trauma caused by a one-time or short-term event,

and the more extensive trauma caused by long-term, chronic abuse and

mistreatment.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > > >

> > > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > > >

> > > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > > >

> > > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away,

an as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my

unreasonable irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable

than ever.

> > > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that

this cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of

verbal abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the

things I'm feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an

average person's, and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems

to be.

> > > >

> > > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all

my problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I

was younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself

for her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > > >

> > > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I

got straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to

be kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > > >

> > > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oops, *Operator Error*

Yes you are right Annie, the part about the FLEAS is not referring to medical

issues and should have been included in another reply I posted.

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > >

> > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > >

> > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an

as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > >

> > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> > >

> > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > >

> > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > >

> > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

For a therapist, ask your doctor or even your friends if they can recommend

someone. Or, even search the internet for local counselors who deal with

grief/family relationships. And if they have BPD experience even better. Don't

be afraid to treat the first appointment as an interview--you interviewing them

to see if the two of you can work together--trust your intuition.

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > >

> > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > >

> > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an

as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > >

> > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> > >

> > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > >

> > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > >

> > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Goldenpoem,

Welcome! Yes, definitely, I have struggled with fleas. I see a therapist and

that has helped a great deal. Also, reading about it, as you are doing, has

helped to enlighten me.

Sometimes I wondered if I was BPD, but my T assured me I wasn't. My mother is a

waify/hermity type of BP, and also witchy in her younger days, so my T helped me

with unraveling all the " stories " my mother would convince me of: that people

talk about me behind my back; that it's not good to get too friendly with

anyone; that you can only count on family, namely her!; etc.

When you mentioned how small sounds irritate you, I thought of a friend I have

who has ADHD. She cannot stand it when people around her crunch on food, or if

someone's popping gum, etc. Maybe yours is more ADHD? Something to ask a

professional about.

I don't know if you're able to, but if you could see a therapist, that might

help you put things into perspective.

Anyway, welcome again. I hope you find lots of good support here.

Fiona

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop Walking

on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages of what

seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm nearly

finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two I've

come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning 21

next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

>

> My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with

her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never

been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but

she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she

was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything

other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

>

> However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

>

> I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as

yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis

(a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

>

> Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

>

> I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

>

> But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

>

> I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

>

[Guest guest]

another thing to add to the possible culprits of migraines are sodas, esp. diet

sodas. I am sure you can find a list of likely foods and spices that are likely

culprits. Mine used to be primarily hormonal and I found that I could sense when

it was a migraine and if I took and Excedrine migraine IMMEDIATELY when I felt

one starting up that I could prevent it. I began carrying the pills with me at

all times so I wouldn't get caught without it. I was also especially careful

about strange foods the week before my cycle.

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong

with her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've

never been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition,

but she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable

she was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in

anything other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as

he's been married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't

normal. After reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb

moment all around.

> > >

> > > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> > >

> > > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an

as yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as

Iritis (a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems

trifling, because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've

been treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of

those close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I

can hear my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> > >

> > > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> > >

> > > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> > >

> > > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> > >

> > > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> > >

> >

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