the lunch that wasn't / formerly 'is she trying to worm her way back?'

[Guest guest]

Just saw nada and had a " heart to heart talk " without my brother present; i was

so glad I got her alone.

I'll spare you the details but we did talk...I guess.

She asked me to not write her again, but to talk to her openly. I almost

laughed!! I said, " mom, it is very, very hard to talk to you. when I do try to

talk to you, you freeze me out. " She said, " well, i'm sure we can meet

halfway. " I still don't know what that means.

The whole conversation was a blend of small talk, her office gossip, and

occasional references to my letter, I think she felt very uncomfortable talking

about it.

What pissed me off was she brought my brother up; she said, " you know, no matter

how you feel about me, I wish you'd leave your brother out of it. " I said, " I

agree completely. This has nothing to do with him. he was SO worried about me,

he called me THREE times today. "   I swear, they should just get married.

Then she quotes him, " like your brother says, 'there's just the 3 of us now... "

Um what about my husband and kids????? I didn't say that. I kept my mouth shut.

What's the point? She wouldn't get it anyway.

Bottom line, it was a very peaceful, unsatisfactory conversation, only b/c it

was so unauthentic. Real emotions weren't discussed. My T was right: she is

unable to " go there. "

Our conversation had been going very well, so well that I didn't want to bring

up that I only wanted to talk once a week. I didn't want to risk ruining it all.

But I thought, " screw it, I have to say it. "

So I did. I told her I'm going to call you once a week. Of course, call me if

you have an emergency. " She just said, ok, but I am sure, so sure, that she

will be calling me every other day anyway...I have to stick to my boundary. I

have to, for my own sake.

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I can tell you what she means when she says you can meet her

half way. It means you can capitulate and do what she wants.

That's how nadas see anything that resembles compromising or

meeting in the middle.

It sounds like you did a good job of dealing with the

conversation and trying to keep her on track. Stand firm on the

once a week thing.

At 07:53 PM 08/11/2011 Fiona wrote:

>Just saw nada and had a " heart to heart talk " without my

>brother present; i was so glad I got her alone.

>

>I'll spare you the details but we did talk...I guess.

>

>She asked me to not write her again, but to talk to her openly.

>I almost laughed!! I said, " mom, it is very, very hard to talk

>to you. when I do try to talk to you, you freeze me out. " She

>said, " well, i'm sure we can meet halfway. " I still don't know

>what that means.

>

>The whole conversation was a blend of small talk, her office

>gossip, and occasional references to my letter, I think she

>felt very uncomfortable talking about it.

>

>What pissed me off was she brought my brother up; she said,

> " you know, no matter how you feel about me, I wish you'd leave

>your brother out of it. " I said, " I agree completely. This has

>nothing to do with him. he was SO worried about me, he called

>me THREE times today. " I swear, they should just get married.

>

>Then she quotes him, " like your brother says, 'there's just the

>3 of us now... "

>

>Um what about my husband and kids????? I didn't say that. I

>kept my mouth shut. What's the point? She wouldn't get it

>anyway.

>

>Bottom line, it was a very peaceful, unsatisfactory

>conversation, only b/c it was so unauthentic. Real emotions

>weren't discussed. My T was right: she is unable to " go there. "

>

>Our conversation had been going very well, so well that I

>didn't want to bring up that I only wanted to talk once a week.

>I didn't want to risk ruining it all. But I thought, " screw it,

>I have to say it. "

>

>So I did. I told her I'm going to call you once a week. Of

>course, call me if you have an emergency. " She just said, ok,

>but I am sure, so sure, that she will be calling me every other

>day anyway...I have to stick to my boundary. I have to, for my

>own sake.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Well, you tried. Like you said, your statement RE establishing once-a-week only

calls probably did not register with her. But if she does continue calling you

several times a week, you can indeed just stick to your boundary and respond

only once a week, unless its an emergency. I guess that means you still have

to listen to her voicemail messages. Maybe you can fast forward through most

of those.

(One would think a true emergency would be described in the first words of the

message, not hidden somewhere in the body of the message or at the end.)

You might want to check my earlier post RE my nada's technique for getting

revenge on my Sister for setting the same boundary (once a week calls only,

except for emergencies). Just be prepared for the possibility of retaliation by

your nada, is all I'm saying, so that it won't blindside you. Hopefully your

nada isn't like mine, though. Mine has always had that scary " I'm going to get

you back " streak in her.

-Annie

>

> Just saw nada and had a " heart to heart talk " without my brother present; i

was so glad I got her alone.

>

> I'll spare you the details but we did talk...I guess.

>

> She asked me to not write her again, but to talk to her openly. I almost

laughed!! I said, " mom, it is very, very hard to talk to you. when I do try to

talk to you, you freeze me out. " She said, " well, i'm sure we can meet

halfway. " I still don't know what that means.

>

> The whole conversation was a blend of small talk, her office gossip, and

occasional references to my letter, I think she felt very uncomfortable talking

about it.

>

> What pissed me off was she brought my brother up; she said, " you know, no

matter how you feel about me, I wish you'd leave your brother out of it. " I

said, " I agree completely. This has nothing to do with him. he was SO worried

about me, he called me THREE times today. "   I swear, they should just get

married.

>

> Then she quotes him, " like your brother says, 'there's just the 3 of us

now... "

>

> Um what about my husband and kids????? I didn't say that. I kept my mouth

shut. What's the point? She wouldn't get it anyway.

>

> Bottom line, it was a very peaceful, unsatisfactory conversation, only b/c it

was so unauthentic. Real emotions weren't discussed. My T was right: she is

unable to " go there. "

>

> Our conversation had been going very well, so well that I didn't want to bring

up that I only wanted to talk once a week. I didn't want to risk ruining it all.

But I thought, " screw it, I have to say it. "

>

> So I did. I told her I'm going to call you once a week. Of course, call me if

you have an emergency. " She just said, ok, but I am sure, so sure, that she

will be calling me every other day anyway...I have to stick to my boundary. I

have to, for my own sake.

>

>