Negative Memories from Nada's Stuff

[Guest guest]

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced something I've had an epiphany about

a couple days ago. I'm trying to empty a detached garage for another purpose,

and it's taking far too long, because every time I go to work out there I get

horribly depressed. Actually, I've been pretty depressed lately overall.

Anyway, I was standing in the garage holding something that belongs to Nada, who

is in the nursing home, and I had an almost divine realization that the

depression overcomes me because I am shuffling around so many things that belong

to her!

Then I started pondering this and I realized that when she went into the home I

sold her place and brought a lot of things here into my own home, like dishes,

books, etc. So for example I might go into the kitchen and pour coffee into a

mug that was in her place.

I brought things here because I liked them, and the things in the garage are

there because I thought I might use them or I needed to figure out what to do

with them - there's also a storage unit that I've been emptying.

But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage has so

many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many of them

are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid attention to

what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house and I DON " T

WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end up

selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out all

these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still in

my house.

[Guest guest]

I can really relate to this. My Sister and I recently had to go through our

nada's things (nada passed away just before Christmas) that Sister had been

storing for our nada in Sister's basement, and neither of us wanted to do this.

We had to drag ourselves into the basement to do this. Sorting through all the

accumulation of items from nada's life made both of us rather depressed.

We each felt that we needed to choose a few items for memory's sake, I guess,

but in box after box after box of things, all we found were either unpleasant

memories or really bad memories, or just " meh! " , neutral feelings. Barely

anything stood out for either of us as a " I want this because I have a good

memory about it " item. Dredging up the old, sad, scary memories wasn't fun.

Basically, I simply collected back things that I had given nada over the years,

is what it boiled down to, and the same with Sister. Most of the other items I

selected were ones that reminded me of dad. Sister and I made a huge pile of

things that belonged to earlier generations of our families to store for

Sister's son and his family, another pile of things to be evaluated/assessed

(could be valuable), a pile of things that mom's remaining foo members might

want, and a pile of items to be sold at a garage sale or donated to Goodwill.

We're still not quite done, but we got a good chunk of it looked over and

sorted.

I agree with you; its easier to get the abuse out of your head that you received

at your nada's hands, if you aren't surrounded by her things (or by her!)

Physical distance, emotional distance, and time are the healers.

At one point when I was feeling massively angry, feeling a lot of the repressed

rage I'd accumulated, I was actually considering burning everything that my nada

had ever given me, as a kind of cathartic, symbolic rejection of her. I don't

feel that way so much now.

But I do think I need to do a big spring cleaning and trim down my collection of

" stuff " , some of which is stuff nada gave me.

-Annie

>

> I'm curious if anyone else has experienced something I've had an epiphany

about a couple days ago. I'm trying to empty a detached garage for another

purpose, and it's taking far too long, because every time I go to work out there

I get horribly depressed. Actually, I've been pretty depressed lately overall.

>

> Anyway, I was standing in the garage holding something that belongs to Nada,

who is in the nursing home, and I had an almost divine realization that the

depression overcomes me because I am shuffling around so many things that belong

to her!

>

> Then I started pondering this and I realized that when she went into the home

I sold her place and brought a lot of things here into my own home, like dishes,

books, etc. So for example I might go into the kitchen and pour coffee into a

mug that was in her place.

>

> I brought things here because I liked them, and the things in the garage are

there because I thought I might use them or I needed to figure out what to do

with them - there's also a storage unit that I've been emptying.

>

> But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

>

> Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage has

so many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many of

them are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid attention

to what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house and I

DON " T WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

>

> Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end up

selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out all

these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still in

my house.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa! Â I really get that. Â Good catch. Â Emotions can be sneaky like that some

times.  I don't have many personal possessions, but I'm gonna look over my

days and see if they're any sneaky negative emotions creeping in via obscure

associations.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 12:30 PM

Subject: Negative Memories from Nada's Stuff

Â

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced something I've had an epiphany about

a couple days ago. I'm trying to empty a detached garage for another purpose,

and it's taking far too long, because every time I go to work out there I get

horribly depressed. Actually, I've been pretty depressed lately overall.

Anyway, I was standing in the garage holding something that belongs to Nada, who

is in the nursing home, and I had an almost divine realization that the

depression overcomes me because I am shuffling around so many things that belong

to her!

Then I started pondering this and I realized that when she went into the home I

sold her place and brought a lot of things here into my own home, like dishes,

books, etc. So for example I might go into the kitchen and pour coffee into a

mug that was in her place.

I brought things here because I liked them, and the things in the garage are

there because I thought I might use them or I needed to figure out what to do

with them - there's also a storage unit that I've been emptying.

But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage has so

many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many of them

are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid attention to

what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house and I DON " T

WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end up

selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out all

these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still in

my house.

[Guest guest]

I do understand what you're saying now. A few years ago before my Dad died, I

could think of some things I would like to have one day from my nada. But after

he died and the years have gone by, I've been taking care of her and she's been

getting more nasty by the year, I want less and less of her crap. I suppose it's

more anger speaking than bad memories. Still, anything that belongs to her just

makes me think of her. I don't want to do that.

And yes, they do " give " us stuff we don't actually want or need. I have crap

stored around the house that she gave me. The only reason I have it is because

she occasionally will ask me about it, even want to borrow it. So I feel stuck.

But the day she dies, I'm going to clean out all the uglies.

Some folks detoxify by using colon cleansers (eww). I'm going to detoxify my

life by getting rid of her junk - at her house and mine.

> But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

>

> Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage has

so many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many of

them are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid attention

to what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house and I

DON " T WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

>

> Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end up

selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out all

these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still in

my house.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada has enough " collectibles " for me to have a small estate sale when she is

gone. she literally has enough knick knacks to fill at least three houses. She

is the reason that I absolutly refuse to collect ANYTHING (except dust, LOL) She

has tried to " leave " me stuff in her will and most of it I have convinced her

not to do and the rest I will sell. I do not care one bit for any of it. the

only thing that I want is a chair that my dad has that was in the dining area at

his dad's house. My mother wants me to have a few things that belonged to her

mother, but I plan on giving them to one of my cousins after she is gone. I want

them to go to someone in the family that actually wants them. I really have a

hyper aversion to object attachment that is due to her. I have furniture that I

found at an estate sale that I love the style of. Even if It hadn't turned out

to be a collectible line of mid century furniture, I would still love it. It is

simple with clean lines and the design encourages quiet and calm. Everythng that

nada isn't. Everything in her house is busy and crowded and over done. I often

have to shut down part of my brain just to deal with being there.

C

>

>

>

> > But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

> >

> > Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage

has so many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many

of them are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid

attention to what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house

and I DON " T WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

> >

> > Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end

up selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out

all these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still

in my house.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You just described my nada's house to a T. It is overwhelming to be in her

apartment because of all the clutter everywhere. I also believe that my serious

aversion to object attachment is because of her. I actually get really down and

upset if I feel my place is beginning to get too cluttered and then have to do a

massive cleaning. I'm pretty sure she has left all of her clutter to me in her

will. She has tried to make me read her will many times. As part of her

manipulation and guilting me into seeing her more frequently than I do, she

likes to remind me that with the history of heart disease in our family and her

diabetes, she could die any day. I am sure that when the day comes to have to

go through her things, there will be many difficult emotions. It seems only

natural from what BPD parents put us through. I agree that in order to get them

out of our heads there cannot be physical items around us that tie us to them.

> >

> >

> >

> > > But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to this

horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity. It's

like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this clear?

I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

> > >

> > > Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the garage

has so many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and many

of them are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid

attention to what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house

and I DON " T WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

> > >

> > > Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would end

up selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping out

all these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's still

in my house.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The only thing I can be grateful for is that she is an OVER decorator and not a

hoarder. The only thing she comes close to being a hoarder about is clothes. I

finally told her that she had to make room for her husband to have his socks and

underwear in their room cause I didn't want him having to come into the guest

room when I was staying there. I helped her clear out two drawers in her room

and found clothes that I know for a fact that she hasn't been able to fit into

for at least 10 years. There are drawers in one dresser in the guest room that

haven't been opened in years because she jammed them so full with old photoes

that the drawers are now stuck. She is pretty clean, but drawers and closets are

boardering on being a nightmare. I occasionally go thru and clean out her

drawers and closets and organize them. I've always thought her cupboards were a

reflection of her mind. Heehee.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > > But it's like every time I use one of these items it takes me back to

this horrible place. It puts me into her condo in the midst of her bpd insanity.

It's like I'm there with her, and it's MAKING ME DEPRESSED!! Am I making this

clear? I feel as if I'm just prattling in a confused manner.

> > > >

> > > > Then I also started getting royally enraged yesterday, because the

garage has so many items that aren't in my house because I don't want them - and

many of them are things she gave us! Like so many Nadas, she never ever paid

attention to what our taste was, and gave us fussy items to sit around the house

and I DON " T WANT THEM! But of course they have value, so I have kept them.

> > > >

> > > > Well no more. I told my husband that the small amount of money I would

end up selling them for is not worth my mental health and that I am stripping

out all these things starting today. Can't get Nada out of my head when she's

still in my house.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Its funny how many of the nadas posted about here, various nadas belonging to

various members, tend to fall into two main categories RE housekeeping: either

extremely, obsessively hyper-neat, clean and organized to the point of

sterility, where the home looks like a hospital operating room or a museum that

no human being actually lives in... or at the other end of the spectrum, many

nadas posted about here seem to fall into the hazardous range of hoarding. Some

members here grew up in grimy, dusty, filthy homes stacked with accumulated bags

of rotting garbage, piles of dishes encrusted with rotting food, the home

swarming with cockroaches, fleas, rats, mice, lice, etc., toilets, showers and

tubs that didn't work, stinking refrigerators, surfaces encrusted with animal

feces, mattresses soaked in urine, dead animal carcasses scattered about the

premises, etc.

There are some nadas that fall into a middle or normal rang of " clean and

organized enough " but its always struck me that extreme behaviors in the

housekeeping category should also be a red flag that something isn't quite

right.

My nada was the hyper-clean, hyper-organized type; mess and noise upset her

terribly. She'd scream and rage at Sister and me if we didn't clean every

surface exactly the way she wanted us to, or as quickly as she thought we should

be doing it, and sometimes she'd tear apart what we'd just done and make us do

it over again, like the bed or the laundry we'd just folded while screeching

verbal abuse at us, calling us all kinds of ugly names while she made us do it

all again. She'd come and inspect the dishwasher and in a simmering rage

re-load it, telling me I'd done it wrong, telling me I was stupid and lazy and

all kinds of other ugly accusations while doing so.

Its no fun growing up in a cold, sterile hospital operating room of a home, but

at least Sister, dad and i didn't get sick from eating rotting food or get

allergies due to dust and filth, or get eaten alive by cockroaches and lice.

I guess that of the two extremes, the filthy living conditions of the extreme

hoarder type of nada are worse.

-Annie

>

> The only thing I can be grateful for is that she is an OVER decorator and not

a hoarder. The only thing she comes close to being a hoarder about is clothes. I

finally told her that she had to make room for her husband to have his socks and

underwear in their room cause I didn't want him having to come into the guest

room when I was staying there. I helped her clear out two drawers in her room

and found clothes that I know for a fact that she hasn't been able to fit into

for at least 10 years. There are drawers in one dresser in the guest room that

haven't been opened in years because she jammed them so full with old photoes

that the drawers are now stuck. She is pretty clean, but drawers and closets are

boardering on being a nightmare. I occasionally go thru and clean out her

drawers and closets and organize them. I've always thought her cupboards were a

reflection of her mind. Heehee.

[Guest guest]

I hope you didn't mention that you want that chair. My nada was talking about

some letters my Dad wrote to her while he was in Viet Nam, said how he wrote how

much he loved her and missed her. We asked if we could see them. As soon as we

showed an interest, she snapped, " No. It's all lies and I'm going to shred

them. " That was the end of that. I'm sure she's tried to destroy anything and

everything that had to do with him because she knew I liked him. Right after he

died I managed to get some old photos only because she was so zoned out about

all the paperwork, she didn't want to deal with anything.

>

the only thing that I want is a chair that my dad has that was in the dining

area at his dad's house.

[Guest guest]

Fortunately my dad knows I want it and he has possession of it and the and nada

have been divorced for almost twenty years.

> >

> the only thing that I want is a chair that my dad has that was in the dining

area at his dad's house.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so happy that I'm not crazy! hahaha. Feeling the way I do about Nada's

stuff. Actually, I read something interesting on another website about

decluttering, and I'm posting it here:

" You're not abandoning your childhood or the good memories you made during that

time (you've already experienced your childhood and the memories are in your

head). You are abandoning the " bookmarks " that consistently take you back to

places you don't want to go. Don't feel guilty! "

This really sums it up, doesn't it? The things I am getting rid of are bookmarks

that take me back. And I am feeling lighter and lighter with each Nada item I

remove.

It's really interesting to me that so many Nadas are " over-decorators. " Mine

was like Annie's - extremely clean and obsessively tidy. Knew where everything

was at all times. I believe she had OCD - not the hand washing type but the

other kind, can't remember exactly what it is called.

But her place was so fussy that it drove me nuts! Every single table had a

tablescape. A small arrangement of items - birds, vases, picture frames. She

also gave me all kinds of framed pictures to display - and of course then looked

to see if they were displayed. And they were in fussy gold and silver frames,

even though we have a southwestern styled house, and neither hub nor I are the

fussy type.

The gifts she gave me were always things to sit around, and again I had to sit

them around. A few years before my dad died she painted a long, large backdrop

for a train set that my husband had, with the expectation that we would put it

up on the bookshelves in our living room in the condo we owned at the time. It

was completely inappropriate for the decor of the condo and looked dreadful but

we were basically forced to do it our live with the consequences. I guess she

meant well, but good intentions and all that....

Well, as I declutter I am finding that things like the corning ware white

casserole dishes in my kitchen don't bother me at all. They have no statement

and don't say NADA. It's things that have a style that bug me and they are

leaving.

Interestingly, all the tools I have that belonged to my Dad bring me so much joy

when I use them!

> Its funny how many of the nadas posted about here, various nadas belonging to

various members, tend to fall into two main categories RE housekeeping: either

extremely, obsessively hyper-neat, clean and organized to the point of

sterility, where the home looks like a hospital operating room or a museum that

no human being actually lives in... or at the other end of the spectrum, many

nadas posted about here seem to fall into the hazardous range of hoarding. Some

members here grew up in grimy, dusty, filthy homes stacked with accumulated bags

of rotting garbage, piles of dishes encrusted with rotting food, the home

swarming with cockroaches, fleas, rats, mice, lice, etc., toilets, showers and

tubs that didn't work, stinking refrigerators, surfaces encrusted with animal

feces, mattresses soaked in urine, dead animal carcasses scattered about the

premises, etc.

>

> There are some nadas that fall into a middle or normal rang of " clean and

organized enough " but its always struck me that extreme behaviors in the

housekeeping category should also be a red flag that something isn't quite

right.

>

> My nada was the hyper-clean, hyper-organized type; mess and noise upset her

terribly. She'd scream and rage at Sister and me if we didn't clean every

surface exactly the way she wanted us to, or as quickly as she thought we should

be doing it, and sometimes she'd tear apart what we'd just done and make us do

it over again, like the bed or the laundry we'd just folded while screeching

verbal abuse at us, calling us all kinds of ugly names while she made us do it

all again. She'd come and inspect the dishwasher and in a simmering rage re-load

it, telling me I'd done it wrong, telling me I was stupid and lazy and all kinds

of other ugly accusations while doing so.

>

> Its no fun growing up in a cold, sterile hospital operating room of a home,

but at least Sister, dad and i didn't get sick from eating rotting food or get

allergies due to dust and filth, or get eaten alive by cockroaches and lice.

>

> I guess that of the two extremes, the filthy living conditions of the extreme

hoarder type of nada are worse.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > The only thing I can be grateful for is that she is an OVER decorator and

not a hoarder. The only thing she comes close to being a hoarder about is

clothes. I finally told her that she had to make room for her husband to have

his socks and underwear in their room cause I didn't want him having to come

into the guest room when I was staying there. I helped her clear out two drawers

in her room and found clothes that I know for a fact that she hasn't been able

to fit into for at least 10 years. There are drawers in one dresser in the guest

room that haven't been opened in years because she jammed them so full with old

photoes that the drawers are now stuck. She is pretty clean, but drawers and

closets are boardering on being a nightmare. I occasionally go thru and clean

out her drawers and closets and organize them. I've always thought her cupboards

were a reflection of her mind. Heehee.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My dad was in the navy in the late 1950's, and brought back a 2 sets of china

among other things. He let his mother take first pick of the china (it's

absolutely beautiful--old fashioned pink cabbage roses), my mother got the 2nd

set (bamboo pattern).

When I was considered the 'golden child,' Mom kept telling me *I* was going to

receive her china when she died (I dislike the pattern intensely). Then my

grandmother died, and her set of china was shifted back to my mother. Now Mom

has 2 sets to bequeath, so mom planned to gift grandma's pattern to my sister.

Sister and I talked it over and decided to " switch " china with each other when

it comes to us--she actually prefers the bamboo

But now Mom hates me, so she's now telling my daughter that SHE will now be

getting the bamboo china.

You know, in the grand scheme of things I could give a flying f**k. But I have

very little that belonged to my grandmother. Not only that, it just goes to

prove no matter how we try to adapt to the idiosyncrasies of a Borderline, we

never really get what we want.