Re: I am so happy but everyone is dying

August 12, 2011

That is rather more difficult to handle when several people you know and love

pass away in short succession. It just happens that way sometimes, I guess.

Oddly, in my family, on both sides of the family, people tend to pass away on

major holidays. Go figure.

And I relate to your realization that you're OK with the idea of dying,

yourself, not because you want to die, and not anytime soon, but that you're

not *afraid* of dying because you've known inner happiness. That's the way I

feel too. I used to be very upset at the idea of dying, but now, I think to

myself, well, you know, if a comet strikes me tomorrow (or whatever) I feel that

I've had a chance to have a very nice life; in the last few years I've been

happier than in all my previous years, so, I'm OK with the notion that I am will

shuck off this mortal coil sooner or later.

-Annie

>

> So I have finally taken hold of my life, taken ownership of it, and I have

found that I can generate my own happiness, even without being connected to my

family the way society tells us to be. At the same time, people in my life keep

dying and the anxiety it's causing is terrible. My grandfather died three days

before I moved from CA to MT. A few weeks after I moved, a close colleague

passed away unexpectedly. Then a few days ago, my grad school committee chair, a

close mentor who shares the same birthday with me and had a prestigious career

as a dancer(danced with Martha Graham back when her company was in its prime)

died very unexpectedly after a strange infection that came on suddenly. In fact,

the amputated her leg to try and save her but it didn't work. And now she's

gone. And 5 minutes ago I got an email from my uncle that my grandmother isn't

doing so well.

>

> Ever since my grandfather died, I've been trying to send her postcards and

little notes regularly, hoping that they make her less lonely and to let her

know that someone out there thinks about her. She lives in an assisted living

facility, and I know she is lonely, but I do know that she enjoys boasting about

her grandchildren (me and my brothers) so I try to give her stuff to talk about

to her " friends " at dinner. I know that's a little weird but she's old and sweet

and if she wants to talk about how proud she is of me then I'll give her plenty

of stuff to boast about. =)

>

> I am so happy with myself and my life, but all these people keep dying and

while their deaths certainly bother me, I feel faced with my own mortality.

Before I moved, when I was in therapy, I was having those death fear panic

attacks whenever someone mentioned death or I saw someone die on a tv show.

What's weird is that I keep expecting to have a panic attack about all these

deaths and about my own mortality, but I'm so happy with my life, I just can't

be bothered. I feel like if I died tomorrow, I'd be okay with it, because I

found that small thing that creates happiness. (Don't mistake me, I am happy to

be alive and continue being so.)

>

> This is so weird, it's like I'm doubting my own contentment. I can't even

trust my own happiness? Damn this being a KO business.

>

August 12, 2011

It sounds like you are handling all these changes in your life really well. And

you're right: being a KO means all this death has you on edge. Even when life is

going swimmingly, that's when I wait for the proverbial shoe to drop.

Take a deep breath--hug yourself--you are doing just fine. Your awareness of

what goes on around you is just hypersensitive.