I am so happy but everyone is dying

August 11, 2011

So I have finally taken hold of my life, taken ownership of it, and I have found

that I can generate my own happiness, even without being connected to my family

the way society tells us to be. At the same time, people in my life keep dying

and the anxiety it's causing is terrible. My grandfather died three days before

I moved from CA to MT. A few weeks after I moved, a close colleague passed away

unexpectedly. Then a few days ago, my grad school committee chair, a close

mentor who shares the same birthday with me and had a prestigious career as a

dancer(danced with Martha Graham back when her company was in its prime) died

very unexpectedly after a strange infection that came on suddenly. In fact, the

amputated her leg to try and save her but it didn't work. And now she's gone.

And 5 minutes ago I got an email from my uncle that my grandmother isn't doing

so well.

Ever since my grandfather died, I've been trying to send her postcards and

little notes regularly, hoping that they make her less lonely and to let her

know that someone out there thinks about her. She lives in an assisted living

facility, and I know she is lonely, but I do know that she enjoys boasting about

her grandchildren (me and my brothers) so I try to give her stuff to talk about

to her " friends " at dinner. I know that's a little weird but she's old and sweet

and if she wants to talk about how proud she is of me then I'll give her plenty

of stuff to boast about. =)

I am so happy with myself and my life, but all these people keep dying and while

their deaths certainly bother me, I feel faced with my own mortality. Before I

moved, when I was in therapy, I was having those death fear panic attacks

whenever someone mentioned death or I saw someone die on a tv show. What's weird

is that I keep expecting to have a panic attack about all these deaths and about

my own mortality, but I'm so happy with my life, I just can't be bothered. I

feel like if I died tomorrow, I'd be okay with it, because I found that small

thing that creates happiness. (Don't mistake me, I am happy to be alive and

continue being so.)

This is so weird, it's like I'm doubting my own contentment. I can't even trust

my own happiness? Damn this being a KO business.

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