Re: New and hoping for flea control... -- Echobabe

[Guest guest]

Echo,

I love how you would send your T a mother's day card.

How sweet!

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> > I've recently started researching BPD, and just started reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " today. I couldn't stop crying as I read through the pages

of what seemed like a biography of me and my relationship with my mother. I'm

nearly finished reading and feel overwhelmed - it's only in the past year or two

I've come to terms with the fact there is something wrong with her. I'm turning

21 next month, and have been feeling an intense need to figure things out and

change my life, I appreciate so much that there are forums like this to talk to

others who have gone through the same thing.

> >

> > My mom has never been able to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with

her, even when it was painfully obvious her behaviour was bizarre. I've never

been able to learn what might have caused or contributed to her condition, but

she has mentioned a difficult childhood from time to time. It seems probable she

was raised in a violent abusive household, but won't talk about it in anything

other than vague terms. My dad says that she was like this as long as he's been

married to her, and has never been able to accept that she wasn't normal. After

reading SWOE, I realize that's part of BPD. It's been a lightbulb moment all

around.

> >

> > However, there are times when reading SWOE where I felt I couldn't tell

whether it was describing me or my mother. Reading more on this forum helped me

to see that I've probably picked up a lot of " fleas " , adopted unhealthy

behaviours to deal with my situation. It is an enormous burden to have lifted to

know that I'm not entirely to blame for the way I am.

> >

> > I struggle with migraines, digestive problems that just won't go away, an as

yet unidentified auto-immune disorder that has been manifesting itself as Iritis

(a chronic eye condition that can cause blindness). But all that seems trifling,

because I'm so horrified that I could treat someone else the way I've been

treated. I can be easily irritated by small sounds, twitches and ticks of those

close to me. At times it feels as if my skin is crawling just because I can hear

my poor dad chewing his dinner.

> > I really hate this about myself, I try so hard to hold in my unreasonable

irritation, but the effort exhausts me and leaves me more miserable than ever.

> > I feel as if I need to lock myself away from the world to avoid hurting

anyone... even though I can't think of anything truly serious I've done so far

to make me feel like I'm capable of abusing people.

> >

> > Has anyone been able to overcome these " fleas " ? I am determined that this

cycle of hurt stops with me, I don't want to perpetuate the misery of verbal

abuse I've had. But I just don't know where to start to deal with the things I'm

feeling. I also feel like my emotions are more intense than an average person's,

and am just so afraid that I'm as beyond help as my mom seems to be.

> >

> > I struggle daily with internal battles. I resist the urge to blame all my

problems on my mother, but yet feel as if it can't be all my fault. When I was

younger I used to hide in my room and sob until I was ill, blaming myself for

her rages, as I listened to the cupboard doors slam. I convinced myself

everything was my fault, that I didn't deserve to live, and all I did was cause

pain to others. To this day, loud noises strike me with dread.

> >

> > But everyone else saw a star pupil - I was a classic over achiever, I got

straight a's in everything as far back as I can remember. I did my best to be

kind to others, and covered up her behaviour so that everyone thought we were

the perfect family. I was pretty, smart, hard-working, creative, artistic. My

teachers loved me, and not a small number of my peers seemed to resent me for

being " too perfect " , whatever that means. I have a lot of acquaintances, but

only a few I would call close friends. I would keep them in the dark about my

mom's erratic behaviour, but I'm sure they could tell that I was suffering. It's

only been in the last few months I've opened up to one or two about it, and am

very grateful for their kindly listening to me.

> >

> > I hope here I can find some practical advice to help me change my way of

thinking, and empathize with others.

> >

>