Guest guest Posted March 29, 2012 Report Share Posted March 29, 2012 Hi all of you. I'm new to this group. I only recently found out that my mom has BPD. Well, I always new that things in my house just weren't normal but when you live with a BPD there is no questioning. Things came to a head last year and my parents decided to go for marriage counseling. My mom kept on blaming that it was all my dads fault and things weren't getting anywhere. That's when they diagnosed her with BPD. She of course kept on saying that she is perfect and there is nothing wrong with her. As of a reult she still doesn't want to go for help. We (me, my father and siblings) are still trying to get her to go. That is the only way this marriage could still work... My question is from your experience with BPD is there a way to force a BP to go for help? I hope you could make some head and tails out of what i wrote. I am very bad at expressing myself... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 Hello, What you wrote is fine. Sadly, the answer to your question is that you really can't force someone who doesn't want to be helped to get help. If she's a danger to herself or others you might be able to get her involuntarily committed to a mental ward where they could force her to attend therapy, but nothing can force her to actually pay attention to what the therapist is telling her. My nada (that's what we call our non-motherly mothers) got sent to a mental hospital when I was about 16. She hated it because they treated her like she was crazy there. I don't think she listened to a word they said to her there, at least not beyond cunningly doing what it took for them to let her out. In general, people with BPD react pretty much the way you describe. They don't believe anything is wrong with them. It is everyone else who is crazy or has other problems. When they do go to a therapist of some sort, it is generally because they're hoping the therapist will correct someone else's problems. Marriage counselling is okay as long as they believe the therapist is going to fix their spouse's problems. When they find out that the therapist thinks they have BPD or any other problem, or even when the therapist just suggests making changes in their behavior, they tend to quit and refuse to go back. At 03:46 PM 03/29/2012 bpdoffspring wrote: >Hi all of you. > >I'm new to this group. I only recently found out that my mom >has BPD. >Well, I always new that things in my house just weren't normal >but when you live with a BPD there is no questioning. > >Things came to a head last year and my parents decided to go >for marriage counseling. My mom kept on blaming that it was all >my dads fault and things weren't getting anywhere. That's when >they diagnosed her with BPD. > >She of course kept on saying that she is perfect and there is >nothing wrong with her. As of a reult she still doesn't want to >go for help. We (me, my father and siblings) are still trying >to get her to go. That is the only way this marriage could >still work... > >My question is from your experience with BPD is there a way to >force a BP to go for help? > > >I hope you could make some head and tails out of what i wrote. >I am very bad at expressing myself... > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 No. You cannot make her seek help. If she sees herself as someone who has nothing at all that needs to change, T wouldn't help her anyway. If you do want to encourage her to go, focus on things she already acknowledges as a problem, like her frustration with your father, for example. The only exception would be if she is a threat to herself or others (i.e., she is threatening to kill herself), at which point you call 911 and let the professionals handle it. They might put her on an involuntary hold. I know you want to help, but this is not something you are capable of fixing. All you can do is take care of yourself. You can't make your mother do anything, and you can't protect your father. He's a grown up, and he has a professional already that he can ask for help if he needs it. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 Hi Bpdoffspring, Welcome to the Group, to you and all the other new members. Bpd can present in different types of behaviors and in varying degrees of severity and toxicity. Some parents with bpd are at the milder end of the spectrum (they can function reasonably well most of the time, can hold a job, can seem OK most of the time to outsiders, friends, neighbors, etc.) while others with bpd are at the severe end of the spectrum and are blatantly dangerous to themselves and/or to other people. My nada was over in the more severe end of the spectrum, especially when my younger Sister and I were little. Just a few years ago now, Sister and I gave our nada (shorthand for " mom with bpd " ) an ultimatum that if she wanted Sister and me to resume contact with her, she needed to go into therapy and stay in therapy. (My mother died recently, just so you know the context of my story.) Nada did go, off and on, for about 2 years, but... well, after about 6 months into the once-a-week therapy, nada seemed to undergo a miraculous cure. My Sister was practically crying as she told me over the phone how great it was, how sweet mom was being to her, etc. But that period of seemingly normal, kindly behavior was very short-lived. After a few weeks of quite improved behavior, nada had a screaming meltdown rage-tantrum at Sister (Sister was a little late picking mom up for some appointment or other) in which nada shrieked that there was nothing wrong with her, she didn't need therapy, that Sister and I were hateful and mean and had lied about her, that we were the crazy ones and she only went to therapy because we forced her to, and she decided to keep going to find out how to deal with us. So, if the individual does not perceive or accept that there is anything wrong with their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions or behaviors, if the individual believes that ALL their problems originate outside their own self and are outside their control, if they feel its OK and justified to think and feel and behave the way they do... then therapy is pointless. And forcing them into therapy is worse than pointless. A person can benefit from therapy only if he or she actively WANTS to change their own self, if they feel a *need* to change, and if they CARE that the way they're behaving *is hurting other people* and their own self, and if they're willing to do the long, hard, painful work of changing themselves. So I can share my own personal experience: giving my bpd mom an ultimatum to get therapy did not work. And uncannily enough, my nada/bpd mom like yours was first diagnosed with bpd by a marriage counselor back when nada was in her late 40's; Sister said nada had a rage tantrum about that for the rest of the day, screaming that the counselor was an idiot and didn't know what he was talking about, etc. -Annie > > Hi all of you. > > I'm new to this group. I only recently found out that my mom has BPD. > Well, I always new that things in my house just weren't normal but when you live with a BPD there is no questioning. > > Things came to a head last year and my parents decided to go for marriage counseling. My mom kept on blaming that it was all my dads fault and things weren't getting anywhere. That's when they diagnosed her with BPD. > > She of course kept on saying that she is perfect and there is nothing wrong with her. As of a reult she still doesn't want to go for help. We (me, my father and siblings) are still trying to get her to go. That is the only way this marriage could still work... > > My question is from your experience with BPD is there a way to force a BP to go for help? > > > I hope you could make some head and tails out of what i wrote. I am very bad at expressing myself... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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