Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 Amy, Utilization of Cognitive-Behavioral techniques will help. There is a great workbook called the Dielectical Behavioral Therapy Worbook by McKay, PHD, C Wood, PSYD, and Brantley MD. It will give you some excellent skills to deal with the thought process, and help you deal when the thoughts come. DIalectical therapy is what the writer of Stop Walking on Eggshells (Linihan) is a proponent of. You should find this helps you out a LOT! Bill PTSD for real I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 I hope someone here will answer this too. I have been on and off in therapy for over 10 years with the same therapist. We have worked on a lot together. After figuring out nada is a BPD 2 years ago, it seems I am now dealing with *new* areas of awareness, realizing more dysfunctional (fear reaction) things about myself and why. I never before connected this with PTSD. Now that I have, and I am addressing them regularly, I find more things I need to face, work on, etc. A month ago I started reading " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " which took me right back into memories of hell I had dealt with before. The book asks me to specifically deal with these issues one by one on different levels. I had to put it aside a couple weeks ago because I found the triggers were causing me physical distress that I hadn't felt in some time. Maybe I was going too fast--or maybe trying to pull myself together to go to work everyday after a session was just too taxing. So yes, I would like to hear from others on this too. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 I also have finally identified my hair-trigger, out of the blue dysphoric episodes as PTSD flashbacks. It's very inconvenient to run off to the bathroom in the middle of a conversation because I feel tears coming on for basically no reason. I don't have a perfect solution, but I do have one- medication. I'm not saying you have to take meds, I'm not a doctor (I'm a neuroscientist though, for what it's worth), and I don't know your history or situation, but I'll tell you my experience. I've been on and off psychiatric medications since I was 17 (16 years), most of which made me feel more miserable and suffer all kinds of side effects. I stopped all the meds for a few years and got suicidally depressed, and realized that my life wasn't worth living like that and I needed to take charge. Prior to that, I'd seen a lot of shrinks who were into Freud and gave out Prozac and tranquillizers while listening silently to my internalized nada-voice saying I was selfish and defective. So I shopped around and finally got referred to a research-oriented psychopharmacologist from a medical school. That was turning point number one. My new shrink doesn't do therapy and doesn't do Prozac, he asks very specific questions about my symptoms and side effects and 1) admits that most of the standard drugs are crap and nobody knows how any of this stuff actually works, 2) listens to and respects whatever I experience, and 3) only goes by how I feel, not what is " supposed " to work. He has a lot of creative educated guesses about what to try, and he'll send me home with a bottle of samples and tell me to take it for three days and call him. If I don't feel better or I have side effects, we ditch it and try something else. This approach appeals to me as a person who grew up having my experience ignored and invalidated, and because it works. I saw a huge improvement in my mood with the first drug he gave me (a mood stabilizer), and after a year of further experimenting we finally hit on that last, final, magic ingredient. Suddenly, in two days, my dysphoric episodes stopped dead. I'm still on that cocktail, which is very low doses of four different drugs. After a month or so, I felt like I strong enough to withstand looking honestly at my thoughts, behaviors, and memories. Turning point number two. I began to notice, and to allow negative thoughts so that I could examine them, and to read about emotions and personality (getting warmer...). About two months ago, it hit me- I'm not crazy, my parents are. I'm not hypersensitive and emotionally unstable (well, not naturally), they're abusive nutjobs with NPD/BPD. Turning point three. I also read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Echobabe, as well as Children of the Self-Absorbed. Both books have exercises in them that are painful and upsetting, and I'm still going through them and it's hard. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm learning fast and I'm optimistic. The crying jags still happen, but they happen for a good reason and now they're part of active grief and mourning, not reactivated blind terror. I've stopped feeling like I'm defective, and accepted that I have a genetic legacy of severe depression and bipolar disorder, and that a lifetime of invalidation and terror put my emotion and stress systems in constant overdrive. If I need to stay on the meds for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. On the other hand, my emotional circuits are getting to rest and convalesce, and I'm trying to give them some remedial education. So maybe they'll heal and I won't need meds after all. So the point of my very long story is that this is a terribly hard thing to heal from, and for me I had to put every option on the table without prejudice. Meds worked for me, maybe something else will work for you, but eventually you give up all prejudice and resistance and do anything you need to do to get better. If something doesn't work, it's the wrong thing, only your experience matters. I hope this is helpful to someone. -ine > > > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 I've had success with LENS neurotherapy for C-PTSD: bpd/npd mother, npd father. The LENS treatment put me on a pretty even keel for many months. I'm needing to get a couple of additional treatments now; my boss seems to be npd also, or at least I'm reacting to her as if she were!! and I'm starting to fall apart again. > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 I can identify with what you are saying, I too find it very difficult to go over details from my past, and I get visible physical tremors from certain recalls. Some of the recalls are so difficult that I prefer to go off topic and then spend hours on end either sleeping or watching a movie (i am not seeing a therapist - out of fear of my BP mom). Even I had been trying to go over some stuff while in college/ in the job, but I left it in between like you as it was getting tough. Whenever I did do it, I used to do it with two notebooks at once - one for the experience I was recalling or analyzing and the other for every other incident that came to mind. So the second notebook served as a to do list of sorts for later. But it became quite heavy later on, so as of now, I have taken time off to sort out certain thing in my life, hence I at least don't have to worry about pulling myself together before I feel I am ready. The pile of 'to do' once you start excavating is so big that it is best not to touch till you have time. As to PTSD - I had some near death experiences as well so can say from experience - firstly dont deny the feeling. If you had a bad experience once, it is difficult to respond to stress as you used to before the incident. Keep breathing well and feel it in full, once you do that the second recall is usually milder. Concentrate on everything you really felt and why you did what you did - what was happening before it etc. Secondly, validate all your emotions - it is really really important. If you felt fear, tell your younger self it was ok to feel fear and that it was the only choice given the circumstances at that time. After all you were also struggling to make sense of it all. Once you find yourself getting comfortable with what you did/what happened, assure your younger self that even if no one was there you were there for you, and you will ensure that the future would be and is much better for it. Also in some cases I find it useful to consider other people in the incident, what happened afterwards etc., that sometimes gives me perspective and also a greater sense of control. It may sound unconnected, but it is important to remember to breathe and also drink sufficient water at regular intervals during these tough recalls. It helps the physical symptoms. Hope you recover soon, good luck > > > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 After years of stagnation I've had a *real breakthrough in this area, thanks (yet again) to some information shared by Annie (Anuria): http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=105 This particular therapist has a real comprehension of how KOs experience complex PTSD. In short, what happens is there is a 'feeling' (not words or events) flashback from a childhood trigger, then an 'Inner Critic' takes over and turns the flashback itself into such an emotionally torturous experience of shame and terror, that a fight/flight/freeze reflex kicks in. To heal complex ptsd, he postulates, you have to find the inner critic that is helping the child in you try to think like nada soas to attach and be 'safe'--and shut up those self-loathing, contemptuous thoughts. I've only been studying this cycle for a few weeks but it has changed my life. I really wish I could afford some more therapy right now. --Charlotte > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 Thank you and thank you Annie for the link to this very helpful article. To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, April 1, 2012 2:36 PM Subject: Re: PTSD for real  After years of stagnation I've had a *real breakthrough in this area, thanks (yet again) to some information shared by Annie (Anuria): http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=105 This particular therapist has a real comprehension of how KOs experience complex PTSD. In short, what happens is there is a 'feeling' (not words or events) flashback from a childhood trigger, then an 'Inner Critic' takes over and turns the flashback itself into such an emotionally torturous experience of shame and terror, that a fight/flight/freeze reflex kicks in. To heal complex ptsd, he postulates, you have to find the inner critic that is helping the child in you try to think like nada soas to attach and be 'safe'--and shut up those self-loathing, contemptuous thoughts. I've only been studying this cycle for a few weeks but it has changed my life. I really wish I could afford some more therapy right now. --Charlotte > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 You're welcome, but I don't remember posting this link! I don't live in the East Bay area; I think probably another member who does live around there posted it, as a response to a member asking for referrals to good therapists in that area. In any case, it IS a marvelous article, and I wish that *I* lived near that therapist! -Annie > > > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 Oh Annie, I'm sorry--I guess I've reached a point where I assume all useful research links come from you. Mea culpa! > > > > > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > > > > > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake and drive at the same time. > > > > > > > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > > > > > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > > > > > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > > > > > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of things... > > > > > > > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > > > > barrycove@ > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 Dear Amy, The books, " Unchained Memories, " and Too Scared To Cry " both by author Lenore Terr, M.D., have helped me immeasurably. They both examine childhood trauma, abuse in both their subtle and extreme forms, and memory formation, repression, and dissociation, panic response, etc., and are easily read and comprehended, which is, for me, really important when exploring such deeply painful and personal issues. I still have a visceral response to the theme music from the old " Yogi Bear " cartoon show, stemming from when I was about four years old. Just the sound of the music makes me tremble so badly I can't hold my hands steady, and the sound of Yogis voice sends me into deep and profound distress. (tears, nausea, depression. . . ) I used to feel so stupid when my kiddo wanted to watch these cartoons, and I would be too incapacitated just by the the opening music to get him a snack. An event doesn't *have* to have been extreme for it to produce profound and lasting trauma in a child. It may have been an intermittent, repetitive, anxiety producing experience, that left the child uncertain about their safety and well being. This is an insidious form of brutalization to the psyche of anyone of any age, and has been a favorite form of emotional torture among despots of all nations. Although I'm sure my Nada would not have considered herself a despot, her often violent unpredictability left me hyper-vigilant, and with an easily triggered fight-or- flight mechanism. The above mentioned books helped me greatly, I, too, prefer natural methods, (I hate the feeling of being out of control!) and, besides reading everything I can find on these issues, have also found hard physical labor, such as extreme gardening, stone-work, etc., as helpful, when my poor dear body is going into hyper-drive, But as an athlete, I'm sure you already do this. I also think that the act of giving your wounded self a non-verbal means of expression and communicating is extremely helpful, especially since so much of the abuse we experienced was " in secret, " and, even if we *did*tell someone, they were not necessarily likely to either believe us, or to take steps to help us. The point is not to make art, but to give voice to the secret-keeper part of ourselves, who is very young, very frightened, and has protected our psyches so honorably, for so many years.. This dear inner child has been so faithful to our sanity for so long, and deserves respite, and a safe way and place to lay some of its burden down. To that end, I have bought that mute part of myself a big pad of newsprint, and a box of crayons. For a long time I just scribbled with black and red, then, faces began to appear, only to be quickly scribbled out. After-while, they would reappear, and eventually, they told their own stories. You don't ever have to share your works. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom to draw. I often shred these works when I'm through, depending on what the " secret keeping " part of myself wants. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to you. Best of luck on your journey! Sunspot On Sun, Apr 1, 2012 at 5:36 PM, charlottehoneychurch < charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote: > ** > > > After years of stagnation I've had a *real breakthrough in this area, > thanks (yet again) to some information shared by Annie (Anuria): > > http://www.eastbaytherapist.org/news/article.html?eselect=detail & artid=105 > > This particular therapist has a real comprehension of how KOs experience > complex PTSD. In short, what happens is there is a 'feeling' (not words or > events) flashback from a childhood trigger, then an 'Inner Critic' takes > over and turns the flashback itself into such an emotionally torturous > experience of shame and terror, that a fight/flight/freeze reflex kicks in. > To heal complex ptsd, he postulates, you have to find the inner critic that > is helping the child in you try to think like nada soas to attach and be > 'safe'--and shut up those self-loathing, contemptuous thoughts. > > I've only been studying this cycle for a few weeks but it has changed my > life. I really wish I could afford some more therapy right now. > > --Charlotte > > > > > > I think I've finally come to a conclusion why these horrible flashbacks > and feelings still haunt me to this day. PTSD. After reading about it and > discussing it with my therapist, I really identify with this affliction. > > > > > > I have moved on, gotten married, have 5 beautiful kids...yet still have > to pull over in my car if a trigger song comes on because I cannot shake > and drive at the same time. > > > > > > My mom traumatized me, isolated me, confused me...abandoned me as a teen > and young adult...because she is a Borderline. Nuff said about that. > > > > > > I want to know how have people here dealt with their PTSD in a real way > that has helped them. I have flashbacks often, they catch me off > guard...they re-injure me...like I'm way too sensitive to the memories. > > > > > > I consider myself a very calm, easy-going, nice, caring, moral, smart, > engaging, loving person. But underneath my smile, I live with a pain so > horrible that I cannot even go there to think about it...because my mom > abandoned me in such weird and damaging ways. > > > > > > I want to heal, shed the deep down pain...soothe myself...desensitize > myself to the bad memories and feelings. I have never used drugs or alcohol > to help myself. I am a clean, healthy athlete. I like the natural way of > things... > > > > > > Any suggestions?? Much appreciated. > > > > > > Amy > > > > > > barrycove@... > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2012 Report Share Posted April 2, 2012 Thank you, ine. You have given me some good food for thought. I have not tried any medication thus far, but perhaps it is time to be exploring this area. > > I also have finally identified my hair-trigger, out of the blue dysphoric episodes as PTSD flashbacks. It's very inconvenient to run off to the bathroom in the middle of a conversation because I feel tears coming on for basically no reason. I don't have a perfect solution, but I do have one- medication. I'm not saying you have to take meds, I'm not a doctor (I'm a neuroscientist though, for what it's worth), and I don't know your history or situation, but I'll tell you my experience. > > I've been on and off psychiatric medications since I was 17 (16 years), most of which made me feel more miserable and suffer all kinds of side effects. I stopped all the meds for a few years and got suicidally depressed, and realized that my life wasn't worth living like that and I needed to take charge. > > Prior to that, I'd seen a lot of shrinks who were into Freud and gave out Prozac and tranquillizers while listening silently to my internalized nada-voice saying I was selfish and defective. So I shopped around and finally got referred to a research-oriented psychopharmacologist from a medical school. That was turning point number one. > > My new shrink doesn't do therapy and doesn't do Prozac, he asks very specific questions about my symptoms and side effects and 1) admits that most of the standard drugs are crap and nobody knows how any of this stuff actually works, 2) listens to and respects whatever I experience, and 3) only goes by how I feel, not what is " supposed " to work. > > He has a lot of creative educated guesses about what to try, and he'll send me home with a bottle of samples and tell me to take it for three days and call him. If I don't feel better or I have side effects, we ditch it and try something else. This approach appeals to me as a person who grew up having my experience ignored and invalidated, and because it works. > > I saw a huge improvement in my mood with the first drug he gave me (a mood stabilizer), and after a year of further experimenting we finally hit on that last, final, magic ingredient. Suddenly, in two days, my dysphoric episodes stopped dead. I'm still on that cocktail, which is very low doses of four different drugs. > > After a month or so, I felt like I strong enough to withstand looking honestly at my thoughts, behaviors, and memories. Turning point number two. I began to notice, and to allow negative thoughts so that I could examine them, and to read about emotions and personality (getting warmer...). About two months ago, it hit me- I'm not crazy, my parents are. I'm not hypersensitive and emotionally unstable (well, not naturally), they're abusive nutjobs with NPD/BPD. Turning point three. > > I also read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Echobabe, as well as Children of the Self-Absorbed. Both books have exercises in them that are painful and upsetting, and I'm still going through them and it's hard. I have a lot of work to do, but I'm learning fast and I'm optimistic. The crying jags still happen, but they happen for a good reason and now they're part of active grief and mourning, not reactivated blind terror. > > I've stopped feeling like I'm defective, and accepted that I have a genetic legacy of severe depression and bipolar disorder, and that a lifetime of invalidation and terror put my emotion and stress systems in constant overdrive. If I need to stay on the meds for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. On the other hand, my emotional circuits are getting to rest and convalesce, and I'm trying to give them some remedial education. So maybe they'll heal and I won't need meds after all. > > So the point of my very long story is that this is a terribly hard thing to heal from, and for me I had to put every option on the table without prejudice. Meds worked for me, maybe something else will work for you, but eventually you give up all prejudice and resistance and do anything you need to do to get better. If something doesn't work, it's the wrong thing, only your experience matters. I hope this is helpful to someone. > > -ine > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2012 Report Share Posted April 2, 2012 Thank you everyone for your most sensitive and understanding comments. Just when I think I feel strong and together...I realize I am not...really not. I feel vulnerable, and even though I know why...I don't know why. It's such a frightening feeling to not just be ok. I will read this article and hope to gain some insight...more and more words to try to teach myself that I am no longer in danger...just in danger of my own memories and reactions to these memories. Doug, I wanna heal already! Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2012 Report Share Posted April 2, 2012 I agree: reading and educating ourselves about this stuff is good and helpful, and giving and receiving insights and support here is good and helpful, but its not a substitute for therapy. My suggestion: if you are feeling like you are in a crisis situation or are too emotionally vulnerable at this time to make healthy, self-protective choices then finding an experienced therapist who understands and treats the adult survivors of child abuse, or a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery, that is your best bet. Like an aggressive bacterial infection, ptsd doesn't just " go away " on its own; it takes antibiotics to knock out the bacteria. Is therapy an option for you / available to you? (((((Amy))))) -Annie > > Thank you everyone for your most sensitive and understanding comments. > Just when I think I feel strong and together...I realize I am not...really not. > I feel vulnerable, and even though I know why...I don't know why. > It's such a frightening feeling to not just be ok. > > > I will read this article and hope to gain some insight...more and more words to try to teach myself that I am no longer in danger...just in danger of my own memories and reactions to these memories. > > > Doug, I wanna heal already! > > > Amy > > > barrycove@... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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