Re: Life after divorcing my mother

[Guest guest]

That is so wonderful to hear that you are getting to know members of your

immediate and extended family that your bpd mother deliberately kept you

estranged from, and that they're just nice, kind, friendly people who want to

get to know you too. How gratifying that is; I'm so happy for you! That's

pretty darn awesome, actually.

When I would be asked by people I don't know well about my nada (bpd mother), I

just say something like, " Well, the last I heard she's doing OK. How's your

family? "

These days, I can't really say that. Just last week I shared when asked by a

client, " Well, its sad but my mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's,

but my Sister says that mom's doing OK now in the Alzheimer's care residence.

How's your family? "

I try to just keep it brief RE nada and redirect the friend's attention to

talking about their own family. It usually works fine. I only share the nitty

gritty reality of having a bpd/npd/dementia-patient mother with very close

friends.

I'm discovering that the public in general is understanding and sympathetic when

the word " Alzheimer's " is mentioned; that disorder is well known to be a tragic

state of affairs. But earlier in my life, it seemed that casual friends,

co-workers, etc., just didn't " get it " when I attempted to convey that my

mother has " personality disorder " and I was in very little contact with her

because of it. The public still is not up to speed that bpd is a serious mental

illness that can have a very negative impact on the kids of bpds.

-Annie

>

> Hey all -

>

> I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

>

> She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out about

and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive husband. I

was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree now, you know "

(which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's simply a

certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I made the

choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to feel in

control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

>

> Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her in

past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

>

> A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

>

> I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

>

> So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest decision

of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more positives

than negatives in the long run.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you!

I've gotten better with changing the subject to their family. That's the best I

can do.I've often thought how it would be easier if I lied...but I can't lie

about it. At all.

K

> >

> > Hey all -

> >

> > I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

> >

> > She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out

about and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive

husband. I was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree

now, you know " (which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's

simply a certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I

made the choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to

feel in control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

> >

> > Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her

in past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

> >

> > A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

> >

> > I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

> >

> > So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest

decision of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more

positives than negatives in the long run.

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for sharing this with this community. It sure does bring some

things to light that I never ever completely thought of.

I am so happy for you that you are in a a good place with it and feeling

healthier. Congratulations and best to you!

>

> Hey all -

>

> I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

>

> She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out about

and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive husband. I

was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree now, you know "

(which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's simply a

certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I made the

choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to feel in

control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

>

> Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her in

past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

>

> A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

>

> I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

>

> So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest decision

of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more positives

than negatives in the long run.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

I find this topic interesting and helpful. My relationship with my BP mother

ended about a year after I started personal therapy. I started learning about

boundaries and my mother interpreted these new boundaries as some sort of

threat. She was the one who withdrew, then she because paranoid, then she

because completely unglued. The more I learned about boundaries in therapy, the

worse it got. I think that BP mother's really don't like healthy boundaries.

Then my BP mother started campaigning her side of the family against me. I knew

that no one would believe her, because they knew me. However, I didn't like

having to constantly explain and defend myself, so I let myself become estranged

from her entire side of the family. This included letting go of my only

grandparents. My therapist disagreed with my choice to give up on my family and

I agree with his point, which was that I deserve to have them and they deserve

to have me. However, I just didn't have the energy to " fight " to keep them in

my life and the more time that goes by the harder it becomes to do something

about it. It has been at least two years since my last contact with anyone on

her side of my family. I just don't want to have to explain myself and defend

myself and I will have to do a lot of explaining and defending to reconnect with

them. I probably should, I just don't want to.

My BP mother is losing her mental sharpness; I suspect Alzheimer's. My

grandfather has had Alzheimer's for 3 years now; I have no idea what is going on

with him or my grandmother. They are getting very old.

To make things even weirder, my daughter (whom I have raise since she was 6

months old) continues to have regular contact with her grandmother (my BP

mother) and that whole side of the family.

How do I explain all this to others (including my daughter)? Basically, I

don't. Like Annie say's, " keep it brief " and as simple as possible. If someone

pries, I just make it sound like I am just not all that close to my mother, but

I do not tell them anything that would indicate anything weird or strange

between my mother and me. I don't think my daughter has a clue that my mother

and I have issues. I never acknowledge them to anyone, except a trained mental

health professional. There have been a few occasions that my daughter has

confronted me with things grandma said, like " grandma says that you two don't

get along? " I just say something like, " Really? That is strange. " Then I just

let it go... Just keep it as simple as possible; don't give anything more that

you need to. Never deny, because that causes problems later on; just avoid the

topic in a way that is not obvious. It may take practice.

> >

> > Hey all -

> >

> > I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

> >

> > She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out

about and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive

husband. I was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree

now, you know " (which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's

simply a certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I

made the choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to

feel in control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

> >

> > Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her

in past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

> >

> > A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

> >

> > I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

> >

> > So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest

decision of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more

positives than negatives in the long run.

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, thanks for sharing, K!

I'm so happy things are going so well for you.

I sometimes wonder about all that family we have that I simply don't have a

relationship because of my mother's various reason over the years....this one's

too critical....that's one's trash.....her cousin slept with your father, etc.

I was reading up on NPD yesterday and was absolutely horrified to find that it

PERFECTLY describes my mother, esp the attention-seeking stuff. It helps me put

her even further into perspective.

I wish I could rescue my brother from her, but I know that's not possible.

And I agree, this is stuff that's difficult to share with the masses...many have

good relationships (or are in their own denial!) and " oh just make up already "

is their solution.

Fiona

>

> Hey all -

>

> I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

>

> She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out about

and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive husband. I

was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree now, you know "

(which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's simply a

certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I made the

choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to feel in

control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

>

> Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her in

past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

>

> A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

>

> I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

>

> So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest decision

of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more positives

than negatives in the long run.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

So refreshing to hear of someone who is able to reconnect with family members.

So often BP parents will go an extortion campaign against their children that

recognize what is wrong with them. It is good to hear that others in your family

saw what was wrong with your nada and wanted to help and recognize that it

wasn't your fault.

It sounds like your encounter with your nada went as smoothly for you as it

possibly could! I am also NC with my nada (3 yrs now) and I don't think I am at

the point where I would be able to not show some PTSD if I were to be near her.

Your story is a reminder that as adult children of BPs, we have the ability to

remain in control.

Best,

Cvidz

>

> Hey all -

>

> I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

>

> She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out about

and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive husband. I

was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree now, you know "

(which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's simply a

certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I made the

choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to feel in

control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

>

> Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her in

past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

>

> A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

>

> I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

>

> So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest decision

of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more positives

than negatives in the long run.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

" A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships. "

Yeah. Funny how that happens. Glad things are going well for you, and

congratulations! It's especially good to find out you did have good family who

were trying to help.

[Guest guest]

" I'm discovering that the public in general is understanding and sympathetic

when the word " Alzheimer's " is mentioned; that disorder is well known to be a

tragic state of affairs. But earlier in my life, it seemed that casual friends,

co-workers, etc., just didn't " get it " when I attempted to convey that my mother

has " personality disorder " and I was in very little contact with her because of

it. The public still is not up to speed that bpd is a serious mental illness

that can have a very negative impact on the kids of bpds. "

Quote of the day!

[Guest guest]

At first I tried to explain to people (and when I explained to close friends

what happened at Christmas, they all stood behind me) but they didn't get it.

Now I just try to brush it off saying that we are't very close and don't get

along. For some reason, people don't question that. If I have to, I shut it off

by saying simply that she is abusive and has some issues, and people understand

that too. So if I simply describe her behavior, people get it. It also helps

that I have a step mother, and I am very close to her, so I have been reframing

it in a way that my dad and stepmom are my real family and that other woman is

just my biological mother. Yes, it sort of brushes past the fact that nada

" raised " me, but if it will help me in day-to-day life where people don't

understand, then I'm fine framing it that way for them. And in many ways it's

true.

>

> " I'm discovering that the public in general is understanding and sympathetic

when the word " Alzheimer's " is mentioned; that disorder is well known to be a

tragic state of affairs. But earlier in my life, it seemed that casual friends,

co-workers, etc., just didn't " get it " when I attempted to convey that my mother

has " personality disorder " and I was in very little contact with her because of

it. The public still is not up to speed that bpd is a serious mental illness

that can have a very negative impact on the kids of bpds. "

>

> Quote of the day!

>

[Guest guest]

That sounds about right. My nada always had some sort of criticism for family

members who didn't " accept " her or confronted her at some point for being

inappropriate. I wouldn't be surprised if your nada's reasons are exaggerations

or even completely fabricated in the same way. It's their weirdo way of saving

face.

If you're ready - try reaching out to those relatives. Even just meet up for

coffee. I found that the slightest effort on my part was met with warmth and

relief. I've been told that people didn't feel comfortable trying to spend time

with me while nada was around because they would have to " deal with her " too.

Good luck!

K

> >

> > Hey all -

> >

> > I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

> >

> > She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out

about and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive

husband. I was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree

now, you know " (which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's

simply a certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I

made the choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to

feel in control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

> >

> > Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her

in past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

> >

> > A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

> >

> > I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

> >

> > So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest

decision of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more

positives than negatives in the long run.

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>