Life after divorcing my mother

August 12, 2011

Hey all -

I needed to come back here to touch base with some people who get me. It has

been nearly a year since I stopped speaking to my BPD mother. I'm doing pretty

well and I'm glad I did it. Now, I'm mainly dealing with residual feelings on

occasion and wishing I had a mother-figure (or any parent at all, really...my

father is bipolar and isn't really part of my life either...but that's another

topic).

She recently stalked me at an event she wasn't invited to (but found out about

and suspected I would be there). I was glad I was with my supportive husband. I

was civil but that's about it. She told me that she " has a degree now, you know "

(which is not true - I know the program she was in and it's simply a

certificate) and the attention-seeking narcissism reminded me of why I made the

choice. The conversation actually sort of amused me. It was nice to feel in

control, happy, supported, and un-embarrassed by her craziness.

Conversations with others is most difficult. I'm okay with referring to her in

past-tense, but it's still annoying when people ask for details. I try to

educate people about the circumstances and how this isn't an " omg my mom is

meeeean " kind of thing. It's serious and untreatable (for her). Some people are

open to understanding and others are like, " Oh, you should just give her a hug

and work it out. " ....Uhm, no.

A lot of interesting things have come up over the course of the last year -

truths about the " real story " that I didn't know. Family members who are

suddenly available and wanting to be part of my life that I was told were

" awful " people. They aren't. They just knew the truth. I found out that my

mother's brother (my " awful " uncle) tried to take custody of my brother and I to

get us away from her unstable toxicity, but lost the case. Heavy stuff. I was

elated to discover I have more family that loves me than I can shake a stick

at...and also reacted with violent grief at the thought of having been robbed of

those relationships.

I'm cultivating an even closer relationship with my extended family and my

brother. He's determined that my two young nephews will " know who I am " and I'm

honoured to be part of their lives as much as I am. Enjoyed many family camping

trips now.

So, if any of you are struggling with this...it's been the healthiest decision

of my life. It still has its tough patches, but there are far more positives

than negatives in the long run.

Thanks for listening.

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