Re: Drama has emerged from dormancy, affecting my whole family

August 12, 2011

Hmmmmm....

All this because you are expecting. I don't know if this would help but you

could say you know she just wants to be informed and you know she wouldn't want

to stress you out ( a lie I know)so it would be really very helpful if she would

relax and not check in with you but you will drop her an email or a call every

________ or so. You pick the time frame. I don't know what is reasonable or

doable for you but perhaps if she knew she would get an update it would satisfy

her need to tell her friends about the pregnancy - which is what this is

probably about - her.And you could let her know that if there is a problem she

should know about, you would let her know about it. But that all is well and it

would be a big help if she would let you contact her, especially since you all

need your sleep, etc.

True

>

> First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here about

how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned and

wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

>

> I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

>

> She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew why

she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my aunt

asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

>

> Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband who

were trying to sleep in that day.

> This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years. Not to

mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday. Never any

apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was unacceptable.....

>

> ....until yesterday. :-)

>

> I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was fine

to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice and polite,

just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we have a late

night.

>

> That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my husband's

office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell phone (so my

husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell. This isn't his first

rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer. She proceeded to leave a

very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying that he was making rules to

keep me away from her and she called us early because she was " desperate to know

how her daughter was feeling and no one would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm

pregnant, I don't have a terminal illness.

>

> Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my husband

because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over with " this

morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to go out of

control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very short, to the point

conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically thanked me for calling her

back.

>

> Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

>

> But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her tirades

causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not worthy of

wrecking MY HOME.

>

> I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her to

just go away.

>

> And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things out

with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with an

insane person??????

>

> I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution right

now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

>

August 12, 2011

Hate to say it, but I think your hubby made you call to take the pressure

off him. It's hot in hell's kitchen esp with a BPD on your back!!!!

PS Good luck I'm excited for your pregnancy, that's super awesome!

> **

>

> Hmmmmm....

>

> All this because you are expecting. I don't know if this would help but you

> could say you know she just wants to be informed and you know she wouldn't

> want to stress you out ( a lie I know)so it would be really very helpful if

> she would relax and not check in with you but you will drop her an email or

> a call every ________ or so. You pick the time frame. I don't know what is

> reasonable or doable for you but perhaps if she knew she would get an update

> it would satisfy her need to tell her friends about the pregnancy - which is

> what this is probably about - her.And you could let her know that if there

> is a problem she should know about, you would let her know about it. But

> that all is well and it would be a big help if she would let you contact

> her, especially since you all need your sleep, etc.

>

> True

>

> >

> > First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here

> about how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned

> and wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

> >

> > I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

> >

> > She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew

> why she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my

> aunt asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

> >

> > Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

> voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband

> who were trying to sleep in that day.

> > This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

> 5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years.

> Not to mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday.

> Never any apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was

> unacceptable.....

> >

> > ....until yesterday. :-)

> >

> > I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was

> fine to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice

> and polite, just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we

> have a late night.

> >

> > That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my

> husband's office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell

> phone (so my husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell.

> This isn't his first rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer.

> She proceeded to leave a very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying

> that he was making rules to keep me away from her and she called us early

> because she was " desperate to know how her daughter was feeling and no one

> would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm pregnant, I don't have a terminal

> illness.

> >

> > Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my

> husband because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over

> with " this morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to

> go out of control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very

> short, to the point conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically

> thanked me for calling her back.

> >

> > Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

> >

> > But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her

> tirades causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not

> worthy of wrecking MY HOME.

> >

> > I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her

> to just go away.

> >

> > And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things

> out with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with

> an insane person??????

> >

> > I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution

> right now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

> >

>

August 12, 2011

Thanks. Not sure if setting up a one-way information stream would be the

solution or not. And pretty sure this is not just because of the pregnancy (its

what set her off for sure, but she's still brewing on other things). I will have

to think on that solution for a while. I can see her whining and complaining

about how I never call her and she can't depend on me to call her, blah blah

blah....You are very right though, its because she can't get a minute by minute

account of every detail to brag to her friends.

Yes GirlScout - that's exactly what he did, and you are welcome to say it! He

wanted the heavy off of him. Even though he offered to be the burden bearer a

while back because she was getting to me so much. I think he saw really fast how

quickly she wears on a person!

Hell's Kitchen is a good description.

I admire those of you who have went NC. You are so brave and strong. There are

many days I wish I had the courage to do just that. Thank you for your support.

> > >

> > > First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here

> > about how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned

> > and wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

> > >

> > > I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

> > >

> > > She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew

> > why she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my

> > aunt asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

> > >

> > > Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

> > voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband

> > who were trying to sleep in that day.

> > > This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

> > 5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years.

> > Not to mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday.

> > Never any apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was

> > unacceptable.....

> > >

> > > ....until yesterday. :-)

> > >

> > > I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was

> > fine to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice

> > and polite, just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we

> > have a late night.

> > >

> > > That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my

> > husband's office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell

> > phone (so my husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell.

> > This isn't his first rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer.

> > She proceeded to leave a very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying

> > that he was making rules to keep me away from her and she called us early

> > because she was " desperate to know how her daughter was feeling and no one

> > would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm pregnant, I don't have a terminal

> > illness.

> > >

> > > Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my

> > husband because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over

> > with " this morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to

> > go out of control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very

> > short, to the point conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically

> > thanked me for calling her back.

> > >

> > > Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

> > >

> > > But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her

> > tirades causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not

> > worthy of wrecking MY HOME.

> > >

> > > I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her

> > to just go away.

> > >

> > > And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things

> > out with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with

> > an insane person??????

> > >

> > > I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution

> > right now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

> > >

> >

>

August 12, 2011

's suggestion sounds like a good strategy to me, RE, you deciding a

frequency that you can live with for phoning your mother and giving her updates.

My guess is that your mother is hyperventilating with excitement because this is

all about *her* broadcasting late-breaking news developments about your

pregnancy to all her friends and your relatives. She's eating up the drama she

is generating like its ice cream.

( " Its the Big Sister's Mom Show, starring: Big Sister's Mom as the anxious,

adorable Grandmother! " )

So, I agree, something along the lines of, " Mom, its important for me to stay

calm and as stress-free as possible now. All this early morning phoning and

texting stuff is making me nervous and anxious, and that's not OK. So instead

of you calling me, from now on I'm going to call you every (whatever)-day at 9,

and give you a brief update. OK? That will work better for me. Thanks for

understanding. "

Then put your phones on no-ring and/or turn off the volume on the answering

machine.

Whoever is calling you gets screened first. Or, just block her numbers. That

way she can never wake you and your family up again if she " accidentally "

forgets and has an overwhelming compulsion to phone you. You are the Lioness at

the Gate, protecting your family, Grrrrl!

There may be some other solution that works better for you; I hope you find one

very soon, and congrats on expecting a baby, that's awesome.

If you haven't checked out the " Medium Chill " technique, maybe that would work

for you. Its just a strategy for remaining calm and neutral when engaging with

wildly emotional bpd people.

-Annie

> >

> > First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here about

how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned and

wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

> >

> > I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

> >

> > She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew why

she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my aunt

asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

> >

> > Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband who

were trying to sleep in that day.

> > This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years. Not to

mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday. Never any

apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was unacceptable.....

> >

> > ....until yesterday. :-)

> >

> > I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was

fine to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice and

polite, just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we have a

late night.

> >

> > That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my husband's

office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell phone (so my

husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell. This isn't his first

rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer. She proceeded to leave a

very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying that he was making rules to

keep me away from her and she called us early because she was " desperate to know

how her daughter was feeling and no one would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm

pregnant, I don't have a terminal illness.

> >

> > Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my husband

because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over with " this

morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to go out of

control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very short, to the point

conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically thanked me for calling her

back.

> >

> > Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

> >

> > But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her tirades

causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not worthy of

wrecking MY HOME.

> >

> > I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her to

just go away.

> >

> > And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things

out with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with an

insane person??????

> >

> > I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution right

now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

> >

>

August 13, 2011

Not only did I get to the bottom--I LOL'd at " what is there to work out with an

insane person. "

But it is not really funny, it is painful and very stressful. My DH has

completely run out of patience with my parents. They are not his parents, after

all, and all they do is complicate his life. I don't blame him for feeling this

way--even when his attitude at times just adds more stress for me.

SCREW everyone who tells you how you should react to your nada--until they have

walked in your shoes, they can butt out, because they can't possibly imagine the

situation you are under.

Take care of YOU and your wonderful, growing family!

>

> First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here about

how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned and

wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

>

> I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

>

> She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew why

she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my aunt

asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

>

> Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband who

were trying to sleep in that day.

> This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years. Not to

mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday. Never any

apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was unacceptable.....

>

> ....until yesterday. :-)

>

> I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was fine

to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice and polite,

just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we have a late

night.

>

> That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my husband's

office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell phone (so my

husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell. This isn't his first

rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer. She proceeded to leave a

very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying that he was making rules to

keep me away from her and she called us early because she was " desperate to know

how her daughter was feeling and no one would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm

pregnant, I don't have a terminal illness.

>

> Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my husband

because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over with " this

morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to go out of

control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very short, to the point

conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically thanked me for calling her

back.

>

> Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

>

> But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her tirades

causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not worthy of

wrecking MY HOME.

>

> I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her to

just go away.

>

> And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things out

with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with an

insane person??????

>

> I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution right

now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

>

August 13, 2011

Holy crap, this sounds so much like my life, esp when I was pregnant.

My mother would always call at 7 am, 8 pm, just whenever she wanted to call, " to

make sure I was ok. "

When we first got married, we took an out of town couple sightseeing and were

gone all day. When we got home there were 8 messages on the machine, each

progressively more and more hysterical and unhinged than the last. PLUS, an

amused message from my husband's father, asking me to please call my mother.

She had called him,too, to see if he knew where we were. He just thought it was

funny that she had to know! Of course, when I called her back, upset at her

wackiness, she went ape on ME. *I* was the unreasonable one.

And, wow, my husband and I had many fights about her. Not worth it at all.

I have to say, Big Sister, looking back, I wish I had been a lot, LOT more

forthright with my mother. I was always trying to find the nicest way to say

things, the path of least resistance. I don't know if that's how it is with you,

too. In fact, I was about to suggest you milk your pregnancy with her (oh, mom,

I need to sleep in; I'm sleeping for two, you know!) but that's a dumb idea.

It's not explicit enough. It doesn't scream " YOU are bothering me. I want you to

stop calling me. " Or whatever it is you really want her to hear you say.

I think you need to piss her off. I wish I had done that more earlier in my

marriage. My mother really did her best to interfere in my marriage and with my

kids. I was entirely too nice and any attempt to make her see was ineffective.

" I really want her to just go away. " I feel the very same way. I wish she would

move away with her family on another continent and immerse herself in the crazy

from which she came!

Best wishes, whatever you decide to do.

Fiona

>

> First it started with our pregnancy announcement. I had posted in here about

how I was sickened my mom called me 4 times in two days " so concerned and

wanting to check on me " after not giving a rip before.

>

> I didn't return her calls. She was completely inflamed.

>

> She sent her flying monkey (my aunt) to call me out of the blue. I knew why

she was calling. She never calls me. But I answered anyway. So when my aunt

asked how I was feeling, I briefly told her and ended the convo.

>

> Two days later, mom calls at 7am and left a very snarky message on my

voicemail and woke up my 3 year old daughter, as well as me and my husband who

were trying to sleep in that day.

> This is not her first offense with calling at obscene hours. Texting at

5:30am, phone calls at 6 or 6:30 have been typical of her over the years. Not to

mention showing up at my doorstep as early as 7:30am on a Saturday. Never any

apologies for waking us up. And I have never told her it was unacceptable.....

>

> ....until yesterday. :-)

>

> I sent the text message from my husband's cell phone, as he said that was fine

to " come from him " . I didn't feel like being harassed that day. Nice and polite,

just asked please call us after 8am, sometimes we sleep in if we have a late

night.

>

> That little boundary sent her OVER. THE. EDGE. First she called my husband's

office and when he didn't answer, she borrowed a co-worker's cell phone (so my

husband wouldn't recognize the number) and called his cell. This isn't his first

rodeo, so he had a hunch it was her and didn't answer. She proceeded to leave a

very angry VM on his phone, implying without saying that he was making rules to

keep me away from her and she called us early because she was " desperate to know

how her daughter was feeling and no one would return her calls! " . Ummmm....I'm

pregnant, I don't have a terminal illness.

>

> Anyway, this whole drama turned into a big fight between me and my husband

because he kept pushing me to just " call her back and get it over with " this

morning. He says " the longer you wait, the more she is going to go out of

control " . Despite my best judgement, I did it and had a very short, to the point

conversation wtih her at work, where she dramatically thanked me for calling her

back.

>

> Great. Now I've reinforced her little temper tantrum.

>

> But what really pisses me off is that I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of her tirades

causing a problem in my home and in my HEALTHY marriage. She is not worthy of

wrecking MY HOME.

>

> I really wanted to tell her where to jump, but didn't. I really want her to

just go away.

>

> And I've had 2 people tell me this week " Its so sad you can't work things out

with your mom, you used to be so close " . What is there to work out with an

insane person??????

>

> I just feel really overwhelmed and not sure what is the right solution right

now. If you got to the bottom, thank you.

>

August 13, 2011

( " Its the Big Sister's Mom Show, starring: Big Sister's Mom as the anxious,

adorable Grandmother! " ) v

SNNNNORRRT Annie

So true though, they are living, they are acting. I get pretty suspicious of

people who I can tell are " acting " their lives.

> **

>

> Holy crap, this sounds so much like my life, esp when I was pregnant.

>

> My mother would always call at 7 am, 8 pm, just whenever she wanted to

> call, " to make sure I was ok. "

>

> When we first got married, we took an out of town couple sightseeing and

> were gone all day. When we got home there were 8 messages on the machine,

> each progressively more and more hysterical and unhinged than the last.

> PLUS, an amused message from my husband's father, asking me to please call

> my mother. She had called him,too, to see if he knew where we were. He just

> thought it was funny that she had to know! Of course, when I called her

> back, upset at her wackiness, she went ape on ME. *I* was the unreasonable

> one.

>

> And, wow, my husband and I had many fights about her. Not worth it at all.

>

> I have to say, Big Sister, looking back, I wish I had been a lot, LOT more

> forthright with my mother. I was always trying to find the nicest way to say

> things, the path of least resistance. I don't know if that's how it is with

> you, too. In fact, I was about to suggest you milk your pregnancy with her

> (oh, mom, I need to sleep in; I'm sleeping for two, you know!) but that's a

> dumb idea. It's not explicit enough. It doesn't scream " YOU are bothering

> me. I want you to stop calling me. " Or whatever it is you really want her to

> hear you say.

>

> I think you need to piss her off. I wish I had done that more earlier in my

> marriage. My mother really did her best to interfere in my marriage and with

> my kids. I was entirely too nice and any attempt to make her see was

> ineffective.

>

> " I really want her to just go away. " I feel the very same way. I wish she

> would move away with her family on another continent and immerse herself in

> the crazy from which she came!

>

> Best wishes, whatever you decide to do.

>

> Fiona