Guest guest Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Back when I was in contact with my nada (and before the Alzheimer's hit) she was sometimes like that, in a way. I had to agree with her no matter what she was commenting about, even the temperature. Example: She would become upset if I didn't want to wear a sweater if she wanted to wear a sweater. She was always so demanding, controlling, and so easily irritated and upset. And sometimes it seemed to me that she was deliberately making snide comments, subtle or passive-aggressive criticisms, (I thought of them as " zingers " ) in order to goad me into defending myself. She used to do that to dad; pick, pick, pick at him... pick, pick, pick... until he would defend himself, then they would have an argument which might escalate into a screaming verbal fight. If it got to that point dad would leave the house and nada would often turn her rage on Sister and me. Fun times. Gah! Just thinking about the almost constant barrage of zingers and the rest of it makes me feel anxious and needing to self-soothe. -Annie > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 Both my parents " poked " at me - and each other - all the time. Even when I was a small child, they would purposely say things they knew would upset me, and then laugh at me when I started to cry, or start yelling at me if I disagreed with what they'd said. For instance, I was always very aware of and against racial prejudice, so my father would make ugly comments about races other than ours, and when I'd start to defend the other races, he'd just bash them more and more, until I started to cry, and then he'd laugh. Then he'd yell at me for not having a sense of humor. > ** > > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is > similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, > she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, > she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just > in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She > also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting > annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my > husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin > looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. > She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and > repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his > twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and > taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 I think so. I am really new to seeing my mother in this light totally so I am still getting used to the idea of her having dubious motives toward me *all the time*. In fact as the days go by the more angry I get at her. One thing she does, that she just did, is to bring her pedophile father up in front of me and go on and on about stories of him...since she pimped me out to him when I was six years old I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing his name again. This kind of bullshit is not worth dealing with, in life. Life is hard, life is painful, all on it's own. When you have people in your life who do this kind of crap and are supposed to love you, it really makes you question. In your situation it would just be tempting to say, 'what is it, exactly, that you want me to say?'. Or get a sheet of notebook paper, draw a black line all the way across it, and just hand it to her and say, look, when we are talking, just fill in this blank with whatever it is you want me to say...you can even hand her a whole stack of them and call it a 'lifetime supply'. Then she won't even need to be in the room when you talk to her. > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 es mine did. even deny their deeply held v\beliefs to annoy me!!!! > ** > > > I think so. I am really new to seeing my mother in this light totally so I > am still getting used to the idea of her having dubious motives toward me > *all the time*. In fact as the days go by the more angry I get at her. One > thing she does, that she just did, is to bring her pedophile father up in > front of me and go on and on about stories of him...since she pimped me out > to him when I was six years old I could go the rest of my life without ever > hearing his name again.ev > > This kind of bullshit is not worth dealing with, in life. Life is hard, > life is painful, all on it's own. When you have people in your life who do > this kind of crap and are supposed to love you, it really makes you > question. In your situation it would just be tempting to say, 'what is it, > exactly, that you want me to say?'. Or get a sheet of notebook paper, draw a > black line all the way across it, and just hand it to her and say, look, > when we are talking, just fill in this blank with whatever it is you want me > to say...you can even hand her a whole stack of them and call it a 'lifetime > supply'. Then she won't even need to be in the room when you talk to her. > > > > > > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is > similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, > she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, > she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just > in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She > also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting > annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my > husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin > looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. > She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and > repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his > twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and > taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Oh, yeah, constantly. That's her major method of relating to people and to her family and her children. Instead of saying something upfront, she'll, as you say, poke. with her, it's sarcasm, or making fun and then she'll say " Oh, I was just kidding! " For instance, her asking me if I deserved my job promotion to me was poking. To her, it was just kidding. They're like children and get upset when others don't want to play. > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 My mom literally pokes us. As in physically takes her finger and pokes us in the cheek, belly, arm, etc...if she's not getting enough attention! > > > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Yes, it seems to me that they are like those children who enjoy burning bugs to death with a magnifying glass. -Annie > > > > Does anyone else's nada " poke " at them all the time? This " poking " is similar to " baiting " , or maybe it's the same thing! When in conversation, she constantly plays games and " pokes " me to get a response. For instance, she will make a negative comment about someone whom she knows i like, just in the hope that i will respond to what she has said. It's hard work. She also has a thing about saying people look like other people and then getting annoyed if i don't agree with her. She was once looking at a photo of my husband's two brothers (he is a twin) and said the one that isn't his twin looks more like him. I didn't agree when she asked me and this annoyed her. She then spent the next hour looking at other photos of his brothers and repeatedly saying " I still think looks more like Colin than his twin " and she would then look at me slyly to see if I was listening and taking the bait. It's so tiresome!!! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 I've been following this thread, which has been helpful to me. Thanks you all for continuing to share so I might be able to get some ah-ha's. My nada pokes at me in each conversation we have! I never saw this so clearly until jeanie brought it up. Nada pokes to get a reaction from me and I think my reaction is reassurance to her that I am still present for her. When I am aloof, she feels her own insecurity directly and it makes her mad. Wow, it really helps me to see her actions and speech in this light. When I feel " attacked " it IS real. Maybe I find myself on guard, because I have always known that poke could land in a vulnerable place---like in an eye, for example? In fact, often my nada's pokes are intended as a distraction, so that I won't see something else going on that is more important. I don't know if it makes sense, but reading this post makes me glad I am a smart ass. I usually find I want to be a " smart ass " when someone pokes at me or finds me inadequate in any way. When I know my truth, I don't LET people get me off track by poking at me and blaming me.... Did dealing with nada teach me this? One of the most helpful practices in my life has been to be grateful for the good in my life. Thanks to those of you who are ahead of me on this path who have shared your own hard-won experience. I know it will be an important tool for me..... next time I am on the phone... when I feel weird and defensive, I will ask myself, if I am " being poked at? " Thanks! Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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