Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm sorry if this is a little bit off-topic, but I hope that some can relate to what I'm going through today. I am NC with a borderline nada who has narcissist tendencies, and a narcissist fada who has psychopath tendencies. (Both my biological parents, and they're still married.) I've been NC a few years. I am starting to really recover, and part of that means I might have some options to become more and more successful--which means, FIND-ABLE, in my career field. Some big options are recently on the table--news articles, better jobs, etc--right now. At the same time, I am processing that though is was 95% passive, my fada is a very violent man. I know it sounds crazy. I fear today my fada wants to kill me. I fear that if I become too visible in the public eye, he could track me down. And kill me. Or--more likely--have someone do it, because he needs to feel he is 'good' and religious. I am wondering if maybe this is my 'gift of fear' telling me I still live too close to them. (I'm not a day trip, but I'm driveable distance.) But would I really be safe anywhere? But if I am even arguably in his 'region,' in any place fada has done business, I think that I fear my success in that region would be something he perceives as a threat/insult to him. I like where I live. I don't want to move away. But today, as these options for success and stability go on the table, I realize that I am TERRIFIED. And I don't think it's anxiety. I think it's an instinct. I wonder if any of you out there have gone through something similar? Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. --Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 I have been through the experience where my BPD parent has had a recurring not so well-hidden agenda of wanting to move out to where I've relocated and probably hoping to move in with me and renew all the prior BPD parent nonsense. I'm sure other KO's have had this crop up too ( re: a nada's abandonment and rescue issues).   As she had allegedly " lost " all my contact information ( more likely discarded it in a fit of pique years before), she made efforts to get my address and phone numbers by contacting  my close friend by e-mail. That person had the presence of mind to ask me about all  this first and so  I  sent nada  e-mail and PO Box addresses  only. This led to a thinly-veiled attempt to extract my residence address (and phone) by insisting (nada fashion) this was needed to send me a FedEx letter of mysterious  undisclosed but  " urgent "  documents which could not go to a PO Box address. The urgency and need  to send me all this and other items evaporated completely when I gave her instructions on how to just send it Priority Mail to the PO Box! (She gave up.)  May I suggest you take precautions you deem necessary for your personal safety and get a " mail drop " address (these can resemble a street address!) or PO Box and keep your phone numbers unlisted. You may not be able to control media attention to your endeavors but maintaining a low profile on the internet is not hard to do. It generally makes it harder to find people. (Nada did not appear on my doorstep.) There is a widely  advertised service which will monitor and limit or remove your internet presence on a monthly basis if you desire.  To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, April 1, 2012 4:03 PM Subject: a Very Real Fear of Fada  Hi everyone, I'm sorry if this is a little bit off-topic, but I hope that some can relate to what I'm going through today. I am NC with a borderline nada who has narcissist tendencies, and a narcissist fada who has psychopath tendencies. (Both my biological parents, and they're still married.) I've been NC a few years. I am starting to really recover, and part of that means I might have some options to become more and more successful--which means, FIND-ABLE, in my career field. Some big options are recently on the table--news articles, better jobs, etc--right now. At the same time, I am processing that though is was 95% passive, my fada is a very violent man. I know it sounds crazy. I fear today my fada wants to kill me. I fear that if I become too visible in the public eye, he could track me down. And kill me. Or--more likely--have someone do it, because he needs to feel he is 'good' and religious. I am wondering if maybe this is my 'gift of fear' telling me I still live too close to them. (I'm not a day trip, but I'm driveable distance.) But would I really be safe anywhere? But if I am even arguably in his 'region,' in any place fada has done business, I think that I fear my success in that region would be something he perceives as a threat/insult to him. I like where I live. I don't want to move away. But today, as these options for success and stability go on the table, I realize that I am TERRIFIED. And I don't think it's anxiety. I think it's an instinct. I wonder if any of you out there have gone through something similar? Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. --Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 (((((Charlie))))) That's a tough one. All I can suggest is that you begin documenting any and all incidents you experience that could be your aspd father beginning to stalk you or attempting contact with you, or " surveilling " you via the Internet, a hired detective, or in person. Keep any letters, emails or phone messages (especially threatening ones) as evidence. Documentation, including listing witnesses if possible, will help you obtain a restraining order if and when it becomes necessary. Before I went NC with my nada, I had sadly concluded that it wasn't safe for me to ever be alone with her again. I was afraid that she would hurt herself and then accuse me of " elder abuse. " Or, possibly, that she would accuse me of stealing from her. I felt the need to have a witness with me anytime I would have contact with her. My nada had demonstrated " revenge " behaviors before, but in a mild way, so I felt she was capable of escalating her revenge behaviors after Sister and gave her the ultimatum RE going into therapy as a prerequisite for us resuming contact with her. Sure enough, about two years ago now nada did accuse Sister of stealing from her, and implied that it was Sister's fault that nada had fallen and broken her arm, back when nada was still living on her own, before she received her final diagnosis of senile dementia. (For you newbies, my bpd/npd/ocpd mom died just before Christmas; she'd developed full-blown dementia about a year before her death and had been relocated to a residential care facility. She'd had health problems for decades, and her COPD is what took her. She was 82.) So my suggestion is: when you've got some documentation gathered, I'd go consult with a lawyer and get the process started for obtaining a restraining order. Best of luck with this. I feel for you. Sometimes having a personality-disordered parent is just a no-win situation, particularly when they're high-functioning, rich, and feel entitled to engage in revenge behaviors. That just really, really isn't fair. It truly sucks. -Annie > > Hi everyone, > > I'm sorry if this is a little bit off-topic, but I hope that some can relate to what I'm going through today. I am NC with a borderline nada who has narcissist tendencies, and a narcissist fada who has psychopath tendencies. (Both my biological parents, and they're still married.) > > I've been NC a few years. I am starting to really recover, and part of that means I might have some options to become more and more successful--which means, FIND-ABLE, in my career field. Some big options are recently on the table--news articles, better jobs, etc--right now. At the same time, I am processing that though is was 95% passive, my fada is a very violent man. > > I know it sounds crazy. I fear today my fada wants to kill me. I fear that if I become too visible in the public eye, he could track me down. And kill me. Or--more likely--have someone do it, because he needs to feel he is 'good' and religious. > > I am wondering if maybe this is my 'gift of fear' telling me I still live too close to them. (I'm not a day trip, but I'm driveable distance.) But would I really be safe anywhere? But if I am even arguably in his 'region,' in any place fada has done business, I think that I fear my success in that region would be something he perceives as a threat/insult to him. > > I like where I live. I don't want to move away. But today, as these options for success and stability go on the table, I realize that I am TERRIFIED. And I don't think it's anxiety. I think it's an instinct. > > I wonder if any of you out there have gone through something similar? > > Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. > > --Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2012 Report Share Posted April 2, 2012 Hi Charlie, boy do I identify with you. I, too, fear for my life from a personality-disordered family member. Let me recommend Grant Hall and his Privacy Crisis website and e-book. Grant's methods have allowed me to acquire a DBA name (Doing Business As, a legal entity) name and " hide in plain sight " while running a fairly public business and attracting clients internationally. I conduct business and even have a mailing address and bank account under that name. So far, I remain safe from crazy family and yet in the quasi-public eye. Here is Grant's website and he even gives a completely free course in privacy via e-mail if you just sign up to his website. http://www.privacycrisis.com/index.html Best of luck, AFB > > Hi everyone, > > I'm sorry if this is a little bit off-topic, but I hope that some can relate to what I'm going through today. I am NC with a borderline nada who has narcissist tendencies, and a narcissist fada who has psychopath tendencies. (Both my biological parents, and they're still married.) > > I've been NC a few years. I am starting to really recover, and part of that means I might have some options to become more and more successful--which means, FIND-ABLE, in my career field. Some big options are recently on the table--news articles, better jobs, etc--right now. At the same time, I am processing that though is was 95% passive, my fada is a very violent man. > > I know it sounds crazy. I fear today my fada wants to kill me. I fear that if I become too visible in the public eye, he could track me down. And kill me. Or--more likely--have someone do it, because he needs to feel he is 'good' and religious. > > I am wondering if maybe this is my 'gift of fear' telling me I still live too close to them. (I'm not a day trip, but I'm driveable distance.) But would I really be safe anywhere? But if I am even arguably in his 'region,' in any place fada has done business, I think that I fear my success in that region would be something he perceives as a threat/insult to him. > > I like where I live. I don't want to move away. But today, as these options for success and stability go on the table, I realize that I am TERRIFIED. And I don't think it's anxiety. I think it's an instinct. > > I wonder if any of you out there have gone through something similar? > > Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. > > --Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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