My mom's mom might be dying...and I don't care

[Guest guest]

I've been NC with my BPD mom for over 4 peaceful months.

I was checking my spam this morning because I was looking for an email from work

that was supposed to sent last week. And I noticed the emails from my mom.

Ugh, I hate that I read them, but I did. She claims that my grandmother is dying

(apparent;y she was given 6 months to live 6 months ago) and that my uncle (her

brother) tried to commit suicide and is in the hospital; in the email, she says

she really needs some " H-E-L-P " .

First, I don't believe her about my grandmother. If I remember correctly, the

cardiologist said 6 months ago that she probably has 3 years to live, but, of

course, she is in her late 70's so she really could die any time of anything

(couldn't we all?!). Of course, all my mom heard was she could die in 6 months.

Shocker, right?

My uncle has been in and out of the hospital for alcoholism for as long as I

remember.

So here's the thing - I don't care! I don't want to hear about it because I

simply don't care. I hate my grandmother (who I believe is also BPD) for how she

raised my mother. She's never been a very pleasant grandmother-type figure in my

life. My uncle is the same way - his roller coaster of alcoholism has been the

center of my mom's drama too many times.

Of course, I've never said any of this to my mom. Oh how she would flip out.

She's always hated that I was closer to my dad's family than her family (even

though she had periods of time when she wasn't speaking to her family...and even

though half of her siblings are speaking to her now!).

Anyways, I feel like an awful person because I don't care. Honestly, I won't be

sad if either of them did die; I don't care if my mom's upset about it. I wonder

what she'll use for drama when they do actually pass!

Of course all of this would " happen " when 2 of her kids are NC with her. Nothing

like drama to try and suck us back in. Not happening.

But, of course, while it won't get me back in touch with her, it didn't stop me

from feeling like a complete failure of a daughter, granddaughter, niece,

person. I like to think I'm a nice person, but how could I be if I really don't

care about my grandmother and uncle?!

Thanks for letting me vent...again.

[Guest guest]

Wow, Last, except for the fact that my grandnada isn't dying, to my knowledge, I

know exactly the family dynamic you are talking about. My grandnada used to help

my nada abuse me when nada was feeling too waifish. So when nada was feeling

helpless and like I had wronger her, grandnada came over and attacked me. I hate

grandnada for what she's done to me and to nada growing up. And yes, nada has

had periods of NC with her own family too.

You're not a bad person for not caring. Take away the fact that they are family

and just think about them as the abusers they are. Would you care if the guy who

snatched Jaycee Dugard died? Would you be sad? No, because you might feel that

the world is better off without them? I won't be sad when grandnada dies. I will

feel bad for her that her life was taken away from her by her BPD and that she

never got to experience a happy, mentally healthy life. But I won't be sad. I

won't miss her. If that makes me a bad person, well, oh well.

Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. So you are not wrong. It's

perfectly fine to feel the way you do.

>

> I've been NC with my BPD mom for over 4 peaceful months.

>

> I was checking my spam this morning because I was looking for an email from

work that was supposed to sent last week. And I noticed the emails from my mom.

>

> Ugh, I hate that I read them, but I did. She claims that my grandmother is

dying (apparent;y she was given 6 months to live 6 months ago) and that my uncle

(her brother) tried to commit suicide and is in the hospital; in the email, she

says she really needs some " H-E-L-P " .

>

> First, I don't believe her about my grandmother. If I remember correctly, the

cardiologist said 6 months ago that she probably has 3 years to live, but, of

course, she is in her late 70's so she really could die any time of anything

(couldn't we all?!). Of course, all my mom heard was she could die in 6 months.

Shocker, right?

>

> My uncle has been in and out of the hospital for alcoholism for as long as I

remember.

>

> So here's the thing - I don't care! I don't want to hear about it because I

simply don't care. I hate my grandmother (who I believe is also BPD) for how she

raised my mother. She's never been a very pleasant grandmother-type figure in my

life. My uncle is the same way - his roller coaster of alcoholism has been the

center of my mom's drama too many times.

>

> Of course, I've never said any of this to my mom. Oh how she would flip out.

She's always hated that I was closer to my dad's family than her family (even

though she had periods of time when she wasn't speaking to her family...and even

though half of her siblings are speaking to her now!).

>

> Anyways, I feel like an awful person because I don't care. Honestly, I won't

be sad if either of them did die; I don't care if my mom's upset about it. I

wonder what she'll use for drama when they do actually pass!

>

> Of course all of this would " happen " when 2 of her kids are NC with her.

Nothing like drama to try and suck us back in. Not happening.

>

> But, of course, while it won't get me back in touch with her, it didn't stop

me from feeling like a complete failure of a daughter, granddaughter, niece,

person. I like to think I'm a nice person, but how could I be if I really don't

care about my grandmother and uncle?!

>

> Thanks for letting me vent...again.

>

[Guest guest]

I think they beat the caring out of us, emotionally and/or physically, until we

pull away from them out of sheer self-preservation. I don't think there is

anything to feel guilty about for jerking your hand away from a hot stove.

-Annie

>

> I've been NC with my BPD mom for over 4 peaceful months.

>

> I was checking my spam this morning because I was looking for an email from

work that was supposed to sent last week. And I noticed the emails from my mom.

>

> Ugh, I hate that I read them, but I did. She claims that my grandmother is

dying (apparent;y she was given 6 months to live 6 months ago) and that my uncle

(her brother) tried to commit suicide and is in the hospital; in the email, she

says she really needs some " H-E-L-P " .

>

> First, I don't believe her about my grandmother. If I remember correctly, the

cardiologist said 6 months ago that she probably has 3 years to live, but, of

course, she is in her late 70's so she really could die any time of anything

(couldn't we all?!). Of course, all my mom heard was she could die in 6 months.

Shocker, right?

>

> My uncle has been in and out of the hospital for alcoholism for as long as I

remember.

>

> So here's the thing - I don't care! I don't want to hear about it because I

simply don't care. I hate my grandmother (who I believe is also BPD) for how she

raised my mother. She's never been a very pleasant grandmother-type figure in my

life. My uncle is the same way - his roller coaster of alcoholism has been the

center of my mom's drama too many times.

>

> Of course, I've never said any of this to my mom. Oh how she would flip out.

She's always hated that I was closer to my dad's family than her family (even

though she had periods of time when she wasn't speaking to her family...and even

though half of her siblings are speaking to her now!).

>

> Anyways, I feel like an awful person because I don't care. Honestly, I won't

be sad if either of them did die; I don't care if my mom's upset about it. I

wonder what she'll use for drama when they do actually pass!

>

> Of course all of this would " happen " when 2 of her kids are NC with her.

Nothing like drama to try and suck us back in. Not happening.

>

> But, of course, while it won't get me back in touch with her, it didn't stop

me from feeling like a complete failure of a daughter, granddaughter, niece,

person. I like to think I'm a nice person, but how could I be if I really don't

care about my grandmother and uncle?!

>

> Thanks for letting me vent...again.

>

[Guest guest]

Last,

I can totally relate! My nada's mom is a nada too... and is probably 100% of the

reason my nada has BP! My Grandnada is/was an absolutely terrible, awful abuser

and manipulator to her children and yet my nada treats her like gold! I won't be

sad either when my grandnada dies. I won't go to her funeral, and I won't be

hoovered in for not going or caring. She's in her late 80s, so yeah, it really

could be any day.

DO NOT think you're a bad person for feeling this way. Annie is right: it's like

reacting to removing your hand from a hot stove. You have to protect yourself.

You can't be expected to feel love for people who abuse you.

Also, I bet you're right that your nada is simply overreacting to get your

attention and try to get you to contact her. It's what they do. My nada too

would use death or funerals in order to suck in as much attention as she could.

I really believed she enjoyed the sorrow so she could get attention.

- Cvidz

>

> I've been NC with my BPD mom for over 4 peaceful months.

>

> I was checking my spam this morning because I was looking for an email from

work that was supposed to sent last week. And I noticed the emails from my mom.

>

> Ugh, I hate that I read them, but I did. She claims that my grandmother is

dying (apparent;y she was given 6 months to live 6 months ago) and that my uncle

(her brother) tried to commit suicide and is in the hospital; in the email, she

says she really needs some " H-E-L-P " .

>

> First, I don't believe her about my grandmother. If I remember correctly, the

cardiologist said 6 months ago that she probably has 3 years to live, but, of

course, she is in her late 70's so she really could die any time of anything

(couldn't we all?!). Of course, all my mom heard was she could die in 6 months.

Shocker, right?

>

> My uncle has been in and out of the hospital for alcoholism for as long as I

remember.

>

> So here's the thing - I don't care! I don't want to hear about it because I

simply don't care. I hate my grandmother (who I believe is also BPD) for how she

raised my mother. She's never been a very pleasant grandmother-type figure in my

life. My uncle is the same way - his roller coaster of alcoholism has been the

center of my mom's drama too many times.

>

> Of course, I've never said any of this to my mom. Oh how she would flip out.

She's always hated that I was closer to my dad's family than her family (even

though she had periods of time when she wasn't speaking to her family...and even

though half of her siblings are speaking to her now!).

>

> Anyways, I feel like an awful person because I don't care. Honestly, I won't

be sad if either of them did die; I don't care if my mom's upset about it. I

wonder what she'll use for drama when they do actually pass!

>

> Of course all of this would " happen " when 2 of her kids are NC with her.

Nothing like drama to try and suck us back in. Not happening.

>

> But, of course, while it won't get me back in touch with her, it didn't stop

me from feeling like a complete failure of a daughter, granddaughter, niece,

person. I like to think I'm a nice person, but how could I be if I really don't

care about my grandmother and uncle?!

>

> Thanks for letting me vent...again.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, your responses are always what I need to hear.

I always say that I am not the daughter I would liked to have been...I would

never have chosen to stay away from my parents...I'm not like that...but they

created our relationship this way, not me.

Amy

I can totally relate to this non-caring feeling, but it hurts me anyway.

[Guest guest]

" I always say I'm not the daughter I'd like to be " is that perhaps because she's

not the mother she should be? It's hard to be a " good daughter " to someone who

continually abuses you, right? So if they were different people, so would we be

different. I think when you say that (and we all say that) we mean we wish the

relationship could be different, not that we ourselves would change--because we

are not really doing anything wrong. But I think we all wish we could have a

different kind of relationship with them, but it's just not possible through no

fault of our own. So we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel guilty that we can't

develop that relationship with them. Certainly we can feel regret or be sad that

it's not possible but it shouldn't hold us back either.

Sorry for the ramble, I just thought there was something interesting there.

>

> Annie, your responses are always what I need to hear.

>

>

> I always say that I am not the daughter I would liked to have been...I would

never have chosen to stay away from my parents...I'm not like that...but they

created our relationship this way, not me.

>

>

> Amy

>

>

> I can totally relate to this non-caring feeling, but it hurts me anyway.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're not a bad person for not caring about these people even

if they are related to you. I don't believe any adult is

entitled to expect others to have good feelings for them.

Children are entitled to be cared for by their parents but once

people are grown, they can earn the right to be cared for or

they can fail to earn that right. If someone is abusive or mean

to you, that's not earning the right to be cared for. Biological

relationship doesn't change that. If you choose to care despite

their failings, that's perfectly acceptable and a valid choice

but if you choose not to care that's also valid.

They've chosen their actions over the years. You get to choose

how you react to those actions. That doesn't make you a failure

as a daughter, granddaughter, or whatever.

At 08:13 AM 08/14/2011 last050811 wrote:

>I've been NC with my BPD mom for over 4 peaceful months.

>

>I was checking my spam this morning because I was looking for

>an email from work that was supposed to sent last week. And I

>noticed the emails from my mom.

>

>Ugh, I hate that I read them, but I did. She claims that my

>grandmother is dying (apparent;y she was given 6 months to live

>6 months ago) and that my uncle (her brother) tried to commit

>suicide and is in the hospital; in the email, she says she

>really needs some " H-E-L-P " .

>

>First, I don't believe her about my grandmother. If I remember

>correctly, the cardiologist said 6 months ago that she probably

>has 3 years to live, but, of course, she is in her late 70's so

>she really could die any time of anything (couldn't we all?!).

>Of course, all my mom heard was she could die in 6 months.

>Shocker, right?

>

>My uncle has been in and out of the hospital for alcoholism for

>as long as I remember.

>

>So here's the thing - I don't care! I don't want to hear about

>it because I simply don't care. I hate my grandmother (who I

>believe is also BPD) for how she raised my mother. She's never

>been a very pleasant grandmother-type figure in my life. My

>uncle is the same way - his roller coaster of alcoholism has

>been the center of my mom's drama too many times.

>

>Of course, I've never said any of this to my mom. Oh how she

>would flip out. She's always hated that I was closer to my

>dad's family than her family (even though she had periods of

>time when she wasn't speaking to her family...and even though

>half of her siblings are speaking to her now!).

>

>Anyways, I feel like an awful person because I don't care.

>Honestly, I won't be sad if either of them did die; I don't

>care if my mom's upset about it. I wonder what she'll use for

>drama when they do actually pass!

>

>Of course all of this would " happen " when 2 of her kids are NC

>with her. Nothing like drama to try and suck us back in. Not

>happening.

>

>But, of course, while it won't get me back in touch with her,

>it didn't stop me from feeling like a complete failure of a

>daughter, granddaughter, niece, person. I like to think I'm a

>nice person, but how could I be if I really don't care about my

>grandmother and uncle?!

>

>Thanks for letting me vent...again.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Afldancer, thank you.

Exactly. Even with the horrendous job she did mothering me (monstering me), I

still try to be the daughter I know I am...but it never works out or feels

right. It's such a one-sided relationship deep down. So empty. So conditional.

Makes me feel so off balance and fragile.

I've been trying my whole adult life to balance out the gaping hole she left in

my psyche...most of the time, I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel a

cosmic deficit that other people don't seem to have.

One of the simplest givens in life, that your mother loves you and cares about

you for your own well-being...and would do anything for your happiness...

I wish we all could say that we know what that feels like.

Amy

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's really amazing to me how you

often " take the words right out of my mouth " ...except that it's more like you

take it right out of my head! Afldancer, your comment that you're not the

daughter you'd like to be is EXACTLY how I feel...I can't believe that I am NC

with my mom. If you had asked me a few years ago if this is how it would turn

out, I would have answered no way, I would never do that.

The layer that starts to suck though is the outsider perspective. I know why I'm

not the daughter I'd like to be...because she's not a loving, caring mother.

Instead, she's destructive, mean, erratic and untrustworthy. I've tried to make

it work. I've tried everything - from going to her doctor appointments... to

getting my own help in how to deal with my reactions towards her... to using

medium chill... to shoving everything under the carpet ...to being upfront and

honest... to being a " yes " man... to researching and studying her illness...to,

well, you get the point.

Yet, I still get an email from my little brother today - who KNOWS about her

mental health issues but is still an outsider to my relationship with my mother

- accusing me of being cruel, childish and immature by going NC with mom. He

says that my actions aren't going to help her get better - that they're making

her worse - so I should just move on and get over this " middle school drama " . I

wasn't as upset as I would've been had I not had this group, which I feel like

shows some major personal growth on my part. The part that is bothering me

though is that even in his email, my brother demonstrates how everything is

about mom. He actually thinks that I'm NC with her because I think it will help

her. Never did it occur to him that I am NC with her because I am doing what's

best for me!

It's ironic, don't ya think? (cue alanis morissette)

(okay, the other part that is just grating at me is that he and I have not even

talked about what is going on, and he claims he hasn't talked to my mom about it

either...so I have to ask, where ARE you getting your information and what makes

you think it's correct?! And on top of that, the only reason he now cares about

it - I mean, where was he when I was trying to get her real help and she was

refusing? - is that it is somehow affecting him. I'm guessing that since she

can't use me as a punching bag that perhaps she has turned to him. Okay, so

after writing all of that, I realize the email bothered me more than a little

bit...but I still think I have had some major personal growth as the old me

would be devastated and crying over this sort of email!!).

Thanks for reading

> >

> > Annie, your responses are always what I need to hear.

> >

> >

> > I always say that I am not the daughter I would liked to have been...I would

never have chosen to stay away from my parents...I'm not like that...but they

created our relationship this way, not me.

> >

> >

> > Amy

> >

> >

> > I can totally relate to this non-caring feeling, but it hurts me anyway.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I don't think that feeling is unusual...i often think that the best thing that

could happen for my fada(and me too) is for her to go first...i would be sad,

but it would also be such a relief...that is sad, but it is how she orchestrated

it.

>

>

> Afldancer, thank you.

> Exactly. Even with the horrendous job she did mothering me (monstering me), I

still try to be the daughter I know I am...but it never works out or feels

right. It's such a one-sided relationship deep down. So empty. So conditional.

Makes me feel so off balance and fragile.

> I've been trying my whole adult life to balance out the gaping hole she left

in my psyche...most of the time, I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel

a cosmic deficit that other people don't seem to have.

>

>

> One of the simplest givens in life, that your mother loves you and cares about

you for your own well-being...and would do anything for your happiness...

>

>

> I wish we all could say that we know what that feels like.

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>