remaining aloof to nada

[Guest guest]

I feel like my strength right now is in remaining aloof to nada. My

empathy/compassion used to keep me from seeing her as she really was. And

whenever I did get mad at nada, and that compassion bond was broken, back would

come that ever-loving guilt.

This past few months I have allowed myself to feel the compassion for ME, as the

person who is almost always used as a victim to her inadequacies.

Nada has even taken to tell me how I created shame in HER because of how I

behaved at school. Of course, it never occurred to her that she might not wanted

to have bought a house right next door to two schools.... so as to keep a close

eye on her daughter.. in elementary and high school...

But blaming her for her pain is also not helpful.

More importantly, I am very glad when nada identifies where she is hurt, because

then I get to really SEE how it was never about me. Her shame, was something

that was about HER.

It has taken me so much time and work to separate out the factors that trigger

my own mental health issues. I no longer blame nada, but I do see how her

behavior can set off a chain reaction in me. Unless I am aware and take a stand,

and either speak up to her, or break the poisonous connection so I can do the

self-soothing that I have heard Annie mention.

Now that I can self soothe more easily, I can catch myself before I run to the

" wire monkey " for reassurance and support. Instead, since I know I have a heart

developed a heart of compassion (and tried so hard to share it with a belittling

and uneasy nada)... I give it back to me.

I no longer need nada, but I am also careful not to trash her either....In my

last conversation with nada, I was able to say, " I am not going there with you

today, mom. " And my words were true!

Progress, not perfection.

Best,

[Guest guest]

'my empathy/compassion kept me from seeing her how she really was' is a very

powerful statement, it really can be a double-edged sword, I agree. I feel like

I have tried for 42 years to soothe my waif nada and I have only come to

understand in the last few months what a futile enterprise it has always been.

She has almost zero empathy for the pain the two most traumatic situations in my

life, sexual abuse that was in part allowed to happen because of her own denial

about warning signs of predators around me, and being pathologized by my

narcissist father. She may be nurturing in smaller ways but in those ways she

totally abandoned and failed me. I am not sure the terminology 'progress not

perfection' is something I would apply to my own healing, at least not here,

since this is the only safe place I have ever found to express the emotions and

'trash' the people who caused the pain because the anger is so much of what

caused me to break out in addictions. Of course, like you I don't want to behave

in ways that I will have to apologize for later...I am just learning right now,

thanks to therapy, that I am being 'triggered' by them, and when they trigger

that toxic shame, and I feel myself getting ready to blow, I HAVE to take care

of myself and leave the room and get out of that situation. I'm a bit embarassed

not to have learned this until the age of 42 but there you go, I can't help my

progress not having been faster. " Aloof " is a great word for it. I know I will

grow increasingly distant from her since she has essentially traumatized me

AGAIN with her handling of this situation with SIL, and I know beyond a shadow

of a doubt she will always betray me when it suits her purposes, despite any

selfless actions on my part and despite what is at stake. In essence, the

relationship is not only useless to me, it is so destructive at a core level

that there is no reason to continue it. It's already over, in fact...it ended

with my email about the cedar chest, and my not speaking to her for weeks. Now I

just avoid anything but small talk about the children. And she knows it. She has

lost her sounding board, and she can get ------.

>

> I feel like my strength right now is in remaining aloof to nada. My

empathy/compassion used to keep me from seeing her as she really was. And

whenever I did get mad at nada, and that compassion bond was broken, back would

come that ever-loving guilt.

>

> This past few months I have allowed myself to feel the compassion for ME, as

the person who is almost always used as a victim to her inadequacies.

> Nada has even taken to tell me how I created shame in HER because of how I

behaved at school. Of course, it never occurred to her that she might not wanted

to have bought a house right next door to two schools.... so as to keep a close

eye on her daughter.. in elementary and high school...

> But blaming her for her pain is also not helpful.

>

> More importantly, I am very glad when nada identifies where she is hurt,

because then I get to really SEE how it was never about me. Her shame, was

something that was about HER.

>

> It has taken me so much time and work to separate out the factors that trigger

my own mental health issues. I no longer blame nada, but I do see how her

behavior can set off a chain reaction in me. Unless I am aware and take a stand,

and either speak up to her, or break the poisonous connection so I can do the

self-soothing that I have heard Annie mention.

>

> Now that I can self soothe more easily, I can catch myself before I run to the

" wire monkey " for reassurance and support. Instead, since I know I have a heart

developed a heart of compassion (and tried so hard to share it with a belittling

and uneasy nada)... I give it back to me.

>

> I no longer need nada, but I am also careful not to trash her either....In my

last conversation with nada, I was able to say, " I am not going there with you

today, mom. " And my words were true!

>

> Progress, not perfection.

>

> Best,

>

>