Ever feel like you were in a made-up world? Like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show?

[Guest guest]

OK -- maybe I *am* crazy -- but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my

mother was getting worse with the BPD (mostly waif behavior, but outbursts

against my dad (who then left), my sister (who ran away) and me (the

youngest)), and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to

my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake. That

everyone else were actors, like it was some big experiment on me to see how

I would react. (Similar to the movie The Truman Show with Jim Carrey.)

Even later in life (through high school) I would sometimes get that same

creepy feeling -- especially when things became very surreal with my mother.

So -- anyone else ever feel like that?

Thanks -- Dana

[Guest guest]

That creepy feeling might be what they call dissociation. *dissociation* is

a defense mechanism that everyone uses every day. Google it to see if it

applies. It is not something to worry about, just normal when under so much

stress.

> OK -- maybe I *am* crazy -- but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my

> mother was getting worse with the BPD (mostly waif behavior, but outbursts

> against my dad (who then left), my sister (who ran away) and me (the

> youngest)), and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to

> my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake. That

> everyone else were actors, like it was some big experiment on me to see how

> I would react. (Similar to the movie The Truman Show with Jim Carrey.)

>

> Even later in life (through high school) I would sometimes get that same

> creepy feeling -- especially when things became very surreal with my

> mother.

>

> So -- anyone else ever feel like that?

>

> Thanks -- Dana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<< but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my mother was getting worse with the

BPD (mostly waif behavior), but outbursts against my dad (who then left), ...

 and me and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to my mom),

I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake.>>

 

I had similar feelings, in that folks and my parents did not/would not see

anything was wrong or unusual or aberrant within my FOO. Now I know it was

their Denial and  that I was in a Child of Alcoholics scenario where my

parents' drinking  &  nada's BPD acting out and her bulimia  were all thought

to be within the range of normal  behavior or were  to be tolerated.  In

typical  undiagnosed BPD  fashion,  nada  said the therapist they saw the

one time was nuts and  so she resisted attending any more sessions.

To: WTOadult <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Monday, April 2, 2012 3:25 PM

Subject: Ever feel like you were in a made-up world? Like

Jim Carrey in The Truman Show?

 

OK -- maybe I *am* crazy -- but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my

mother was getting worse with the BPD (mostly waif behavior, but outbursts

against my dad (who then left), my sister (who ran away) and me (the

youngest)), and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to

my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake. That

everyone else were actors, like it was some big experiment on me to see how

I would react. (Similar to the movie The Truman Show with Jim Carrey.)

Even later in life (through high school) I would sometimes get that same

creepy feeling -- especially when things became very surreal with my mother.

So -- anyone else ever feel like that?

Thanks -- Dana

[Guest guest]

I frequently felt like this. Not exactly like the Truman Show (excellent film,

btw), but like something was amiss but everyone walked around it. Like the big

elephant in the room.

Now I absolutely abhor when people won't admit the obvious. And I'm having to go

through a situation at work with a person who has been there for 20 years and

never been qualified for her job. I am new, but was brought in to take things to

the next level, and it's difficult for me because everyone is tiptoeing around

how this person has been massively failing at a very important job for the past

20 years. The person does have skills, just not for the job she's in. I'm trying

to figure out how to suggest that she be reclassified into a position that would

be better for her skillset so we can actually move someone into her position who

can do the job, but it's so frustrating, just like when I was a kid and no one

would notice how insane my nada was.

Everyone loved her, and would tell me how great my mother was. And I would just

shrug and try not to vomit.

So yes, the surreality of it all is difficult. I think as KOs we also specialize

in escapism too. So getting into our real lives is difficult as well, you know?

Here's to both of us healing!

>

> OK -- maybe I *am* crazy -- but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my

> mother was getting worse with the BPD (mostly waif behavior, but outbursts

> against my dad (who then left), my sister (who ran away) and me (the

> youngest)), and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to

> my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake. That

> everyone else were actors, like it was some big experiment on me to see how

> I would react. (Similar to the movie The Truman Show with Jim Carrey.)

>

> Even later in life (through high school) I would sometimes get that same

> creepy feeling -- especially when things became very surreal with my mother.

>

> So -- anyone else ever feel like that?

>

> Thanks -- Dana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I never had the feeling that the entire world was fake, but I did have another

weird feeling when I was growing up.

Whenever I was in the bathroom, washing my face, using the toilet, taking a

bath, etc., I always used to feel as if my parents had installed a hidden camera

somewhere and were watching me.

I guess it came from having the bathroom door opened so many times, having

parents complain about how often I had to pee, and then I got to where I

couldn't go if anyone was around. How long I took to go, to shower, how much

water I used, etc.

It got to the point where I quit taking showers and just washed up at the sink

in high school. I looked down one day and discovered all this dry skin on my

stomach from not bathing and realized I had to start taking showers again. One

time I went all the way to the other end of their house from their bedroom, and

took a birdie bath at the laundry tub using the *tiniest* trickle of water from

the faucet to rinse the washcloth (do you have any idea how LONG that takes?),

and nada *still* heard it and got up and yelled at me.

It was always like, " Where are they? I know they're watching. What are they

going to come in and yell at me about now. " I guess I wouldn't have put it past

them to install a hidden camera, even at the tender age of 7 or 8.

*sigh* The sheer AWFULNESS of growing up in that house. I am unemployed, but I

would truly rather go homeless than ever go back there. Seriously.

--

[Guest guest]

(((((Roganda)))))

The sheer awfulness you are describing is, in my opinion, actually emotional

torture.

And I think its...well, evil, to treat a helpless, dependent child like that;

like a criminal.

Or, treating a child like an unwanted burden they were forced against their

will to adopt, behaving as though they resent their own child's very presence

in the home. Like you don't have the right to occupy their space, breath their

air, eat their food, AND you need to be watched all the time because you might

steal something of theirs or do something disgusting or dirty that requires

punishment.

( " You are a repulsive, miserable, disappointing burden and I am a living Saint

for putting up with you at all, but I'm your Mother so be grateful that I love

you anyway, you disgusting little piece of crap. " " I love you " delivered with a

kick in the teeth. I grew up being terrified of " love. " )

My being viewed as a Golden Child or the Miserable Disappointment fluctuated

with my nada's moods and feelings about herself. But way too often I too was

made to feel that I was an unwanted burden, I was breathing too much air and

using too much water and asking far too much from them. And I wasn't allowed to

lock any inside door, either; my body didn't belong to me, even.

I wish you and I and all children existing in such circumstances could have been

rescued from that kind of " parenting. " Such individuals really should not have

been raising children without intense supervision, they're not emotionally

functional enough to be trusted with that responsibility.

Those who lack the capacity for empathy (either cognitive empathy or affective

empathy, or both) should not even be left alone with children, in my opinion.

I dealt with it by shutting down my access to my emotions; I was kind of a

robot-zombie. I think that's called depersonalization. My memories are intact,

but I still don't have full access to my feelings and tend to just shut down

entirely under stress, although I'm better than I used to be.

-Annie

>

> I never had the feeling that the entire world was fake, but I did have another

weird feeling when I was growing up.

>

> Whenever I was in the bathroom, washing my face, using the toilet, taking a

bath, etc., I always used to feel as if my parents had installed a hidden camera

somewhere and were watching me.

>

> I guess it came from having the bathroom door opened so many times, having

parents complain about how often I had to pee, and then I got to where I

couldn't go if anyone was around. How long I took to go, to shower, how much

water I used, etc.

>

> It got to the point where I quit taking showers and just washed up at the sink

in high school. I looked down one day and discovered all this dry skin on my

stomach from not bathing and realized I had to start taking showers again. One

time I went all the way to the other end of their house from their bedroom, and

took a birdie bath at the laundry tub using the *tiniest* trickle of water from

the faucet to rinse the washcloth (do you have any idea how LONG that takes?),

and nada *still* heard it and got up and yelled at me.

>

> It was always like, " Where are they? I know they're watching. What are they

going to come in and yell at me about now. " I guess I wouldn't have put it past

them to install a hidden camera, even at the tender age of 7 or 8.

>

> *sigh* The sheer AWFULNESS of growing up in that house. I am unemployed, but

I would truly rather go homeless than ever go back there. Seriously.

>

> --

>

[Guest guest]

this is not nuts (not quite anyway) it is a symptom of PTSD. I do it too. I

learned about it at therapy. it is just one more way trauma victims protect

themselves.

Meikjn

>

> << but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my mother was getting worse with

the BPD (mostly waif behavior), but outbursts against my dad (who then

left), ...  and me and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due

to my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake.>>

>  

> I had similar feelings, in that folks and my parents did not/would not see

anything was wrong or unusual or aberrant within my FOO. Now I know it was

their Denial and  that I was in a Child of Alcoholics scenario where my

parents' drinking  &  nada's BPD acting out and her bulimia  were all thought

to be within the range of normal  behavior or were  to be tolerated.  In

typical  undiagnosed BPD  fashion,  nada  said the therapist they saw the

one time was nuts and  so she resisted attending any more sessions.

>

>

>

>

> To: WTOadult <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> Sent: Monday, April 2, 2012 3:25 PM

> Subject: Ever feel like you were in a made-up world? Like

Jim Carrey in The Truman Show?

>

>

>  

> OK -- maybe I *am* crazy -- but when I was a kid (late '60's), when my

> mother was getting worse with the BPD (mostly waif behavior, but outbursts

> against my dad (who then left), my sister (who ran away) and me (the

> youngest)), and my dad had his own temper issues (in some respects due to

> my mom), I started having this creepy feeling that my world was fake. That

> everyone else were actors, like it was some big experiment on me to see how

> I would react. (Similar to the movie The Truman Show with Jim Carrey.)

>

> Even later in life (through high school) I would sometimes get that same

> creepy feeling -- especially when things became very surreal with my mother.

>

> So -- anyone else ever feel like that?

>

> Thanks -- Dana

>

>

[Guest guest]

It seems almost impossible not to feel watched (or like you are in a movie)

when, at any time, your behaviors, feelings, etc could be critiqued, criticized,

etc...especially when the " rules " of the game always change too. Sometimes you

are perfect and can do no wrong while other times you are horrible and can do no

good. My feeling of being " watched " came more in a narcissitic kind of form

(sadly). I alwasy felt like others were watching me or judging me (good or bad).

In a way I felt like Truman in that I felt like I was the center of everyone's

universe but not in a good way, in a very unsafe way. Since identifying this, I

have been working on changing it. I have to admit it feels kind of lonely to no

longer feel like people are watching, like I'm a cancelled tv show or something,

but at the same time it feels healthier to let that go. Unfortunately, the

problem remains that I often don't know if my behaviors, thoughts, feelings,

etc, are " right " or not. I'm hoping to be able to change that as I try to build

more trust in myself.

> >

> > I never had the feeling that the entire world was fake, but I did have

another weird feeling when I was growing up.

> >

> > Whenever I was in the bathroom, washing my face, using the toilet, taking a

bath, etc., I always used to feel as if my parents had installed a hidden camera

somewhere and were watching me.

> >

> > I guess it came from having the bathroom door opened so many times, having

parents complain about how often I had to pee, and then I got to where I

couldn't go if anyone was around. How long I took to go, to shower, how much

water I used, etc.

> >

> > It got to the point where I quit taking showers and just washed up at the

sink in high school. I looked down one day and discovered all this dry skin on

my stomach from not bathing and realized I had to start taking showers again.

One time I went all the way to the other end of their house from their bedroom,

and took a birdie bath at the laundry tub using the *tiniest* trickle of water

from the faucet to rinse the washcloth (do you have any idea how LONG that

takes?), and nada *still* heard it and got up and yelled at me.

> >

> > It was always like, " Where are they? I know they're watching. What are

they going to come in and yell at me about now. " I guess I wouldn't have put it

past them to install a hidden camera, even at the tender age of 7 or 8.

> >

> > *sigh* The sheer AWFULNESS of growing up in that house. I am unemployed,

but I would truly rather go homeless than ever go back there. Seriously.

> >

> > --

> >

>