Do you ever question whether your memories are real?

[Guest guest]

I am a newbee...

Since recently joining this group I have relived a lot a trauma which I had

pretty much " put away "

I am reading some stories that are worse than mine and somehow I am starting

to doubt that I had it all that bad after all.

I must just be exaggerating...

Is this normal? Being an only child with no dad nobody really witnessed the

cruelty in its entirety. Just some people in glimpses so I can't even go

validate it.

I know I was abused.. I remember it!

Am I somehow trying to protect her again?

Or am I trying to protect myself as I have not been back to these places in

quite a while...

Confused!

M-

[Guest guest]

, we all go through this. Do not invalidate your own experiences! What

happened to you was real, and it was awful. Just because it wasn't as bad as

what happened to someone else does not make it okay in the slightest. Nor does

it mean you don't deserve to heal and have a better life. Saying that someone

else had it worse so you shouldn't feel bad is a prime invalidation technique.

You are allowed to grieve over what happened to you, even if on the face of it

it doesn't seem so bad. That's how emotional abuse works. It goes undetected.

And you were a child, so it's a sort of abusive brainwashing.

Let me give you an example: I could say " well, I was never sexually molested, so

I shouldn't complain. "

Well, my nada taught me to shave my legs when I was 12 (and had a very womanly

figure already) by making me get naked into a bathtub while she shaved my legs.

She wouldn't allow me to cover myself in any way. Because I wanted to learn to

shave my legs, she humiliated me in the worst way possible. Making me sit naked

in front of her for her to judge my body. (She was very flat-chested and I

already had B cups at 12.) For the rest of my adolescence she made remarks to

put down my curves (and I had a great figure), and make me ashamed of looking

like a woman. I have serious body image issues now, have had numerous bouts with

eating disorders, and depression, all because of this one incident.

The few bras she bought for me (when I wasn't forced to wear hers, which didn't

fit), she made me try on in front of her. She made me feel like being a woman

was the worst thing in the world. And frankly some of the things she did, in my

opinion, with the tone of how they were done, do border on sexual abuse.

But was I raped? Molested? No. And should I feel like what happened to me wasn't

so bad because I wasn't? I don't think so. It's not a pissing contest to see who

had it worse.

You are entitled to heal and to recognize the pain you suffered, no matter what

kind it was.

Don't invalidate yourself. Own your pain. And then heal. We often don't heal

because as KOs we have been invalidated our whole lives. We can't heal until we

accept and own what happened to us.

I hope that helps.

>

> I am a newbee...

> Since recently joining this group I have relived a lot a trauma which I had

> pretty much " put away "

> I am reading some stories that are worse than mine and somehow I am starting

> to doubt that I had it all that bad after all.

> I must just be exaggerating...

> Is this normal? Being an only child with no dad nobody really witnessed the

> cruelty in its entirety. Just some people in glimpses so I can't even go

> validate it.

> I know I was abused.. I remember it!

> Am I somehow trying to protect her again?

> Or am I trying to protect myself as I have not been back to these places in

> quite a while...

> Confused!

> M-

>

[Guest guest]

M,

I agree with 's response.

If you remember being abused, then you were abused. If someone

else was abused more, that does nothing to lessen what happened

to you. Too often we try to tell ourselves that what happened to

us wasn't all that bad. I think it is common to try to make the

hurt go away by pretending to ourselves that it wasn't that bad.

That doesn't work in the long run. When you tell yourself that,

all the hurt is still buried inside and doesn't get dealt with

properly. It is also easy to not accept how bad it was because

most of us had nothing to compare it to while we were growing

up. Our families were the way they were and we didn't know they

could be different.

At 10:08 PM 04/02/2012 Manning wrote:

>I am a newbee...

>Since recently joining this group I have relived a lot a trauma

>which I had

>pretty much " put away "

>I am reading some stories that are worse than mine and somehow

>I am starting

>to doubt that I had it all that bad after all.

>I must just be exaggerating...

>Is this normal? Being an only child with no dad nobody really

>witnessed the

>cruelty in its entirety. Just some people in glimpses so I

>can't even go

>validate it.

>I know I was abused.. I remember it!

>Am I somehow trying to protect her again?

>Or am I trying to protect myself as I have not been back to

>these places in

>quite a while...

>Confused!

>M-

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I've felt this way a few times.

Just because other people had different experiences doesn't mean that yours

didn't happen. I have a friend who had a really awful childhood. Her mom seemed

BPD and she sold crack and stuff to my friend's friends. I've talked with her

about how my mom also exhibits BPD behavior. There was one conversation I had

where I mentioned that talking with her about her experiences made me feel like

my mom wasn't that bad. She told me that my mom seemed pretty horrible and that

I should understand that we both had it hard. Sometimes it's just a matter of

perspective.

I think it's normal to feel like you've exaggerated the trauma of your childhood

since you grew up with a caretaker with BPD. I know that my mother would often

tell me that she should have been harder on me or that my childhood wasn't that

bad. She was constantly telling me that my experiences were invalid. I've had to

learn to embrace the fact that my childhood happened and it's effected me today.

I'm getting better, but it's required me to take a hard look at my past. Hang in

there.

>

> I am a newbee...

> Since recently joining this group I have relived a lot a trauma which I had

> pretty much " put away "

> I am reading some stories that are worse than mine and somehow I am starting

> to doubt that I had it all that bad after all.

> I must just be exaggerating...

> Is this normal? Being an only child with no dad nobody really witnessed the

> cruelty in its entirety. Just some people in glimpses so I can't even go

> validate it.

> I know I was abused.. I remember it!

> Am I somehow trying to protect her again?

> Or am I trying to protect myself as I have not been back to these places in

> quite a while...

> Confused!

> M-

>

[Guest guest]

I feel the same way, too. I still do. I remember the memories--but I

remember very little specifics. I remember the general pattern, I can

sometime remember general information, but my brain has mostly locked them

away to protect myself. It drives me nuts because it makes it hard to do

therapy if I can't remember things, and yet things trigger me.

I think a large part of it has to do with brainwashing and/or gaslighting

by our BPD parent. They alter their perception of reality to suit their

emotions, and call it 'truth' and we have to believe in it to save our

skins.

You're not alone, and no, you're not crazy.

> **

>

>

> I've felt this way a few times.

> Just because other people had different experiences doesn't mean that

> yours didn't happen. I have a friend who had a really awful childhood. Her

> mom seemed BPD and she sold crack and stuff to my friend's friends. I've

> talked with her about how my mom also exhibits BPD behavior. There was one

> conversation I had where I mentioned that talking with her about her

> experiences made me feel like my mom wasn't that bad. She told me that my

> mom seemed pretty horrible and that I should understand that we both had it

> hard. Sometimes it's just a matter of perspective.

>

> I think it's normal to feel like you've exaggerated the trauma of your

> childhood since you grew up with a caretaker with BPD. I know that my

> mother would often tell me that she should have been harder on me or that

> my childhood wasn't that bad. She was constantly telling me that my

> experiences were invalid. I've had to learn to embrace the fact that my

> childhood happened and it's effected me today. I'm getting better, but it's

> required me to take a hard look at my past. Hang in there.

>

>

> >

> > I am a newbee...

> > Since recently joining this group I have relived a lot a trauma which I

> had

> > pretty much " put away "

> > I am reading some stories that are worse than mine and somehow I am

> starting

> > to doubt that I had it all that bad after all.

> > I must just be exaggerating...

> > Is this normal? Being an only child with no dad nobody really witnessed

> the

> > cruelty in its entirety. Just some people in glimpses so I can't even go

> > validate it.

> > I know I was abused.. I remember it!

> > Am I somehow trying to protect her again?

> > Or am I trying to protect myself as I have not been back to these places

> in

> > quite a while...

> > Confused!

> > M-

> >

>

>

>