Re: Need other KOs' perspectives

[Guest guest]

(((((Fiona)))))

You are doing such a sweet, thoughtful, and kind thing to throw a combo-party

for your nada/uncle/and Easter. Its a lovely thing to do, and you're doing it

out of love. Who could criticize that??!!

Your brother does sound like a VERY miserable, unhappy person; maybe he's being

negative about the whole thing out of jealousy. (You have a tolerable

relationship with your nada now, maybe that makes him jealous?) Who knows?

Maybe he has personality disorder also. If I were in your position, I'd ignore

him.

Please keep reminding yourself that you are NOT responsible for how your mother

feels about anything. Her feelings are her own to manage. If she chooses to

find something to be angry or hurt about, and makes a little bpd-drama scene at

the party, then that will make HER look unstable, ungrateful, rude, mean, petty,

and, well, crazy. Or like the three-year-old child that most bpds are.

My Sister and I threw a little surprise birthday party for our nada, gosh, it

would have to be about 15 years ago now or maybe more, after dad died and after

mom had recovered from her first major operation. She'd been complaining and

mentioning over and over about how she'd thrown several surprise parties for our

dad but he never did one for her. So Sister and I did. And nada was obviously

not terribly happy about it during the party. She didn't pitch a tantrum, she

just had that strained, fake smile the whole time.

When it was over, she complained about why this or that person was there, or

wasn't there, complained about what we served, etc., etc. She'd felt like she

didn't look put together enough. The house wasn't clean enough, etc., etc.

So basically, Sister and I had taken nada at her word; we thought she WANTED a

surprise party, but apparently she didn't actually want to be *surprised*. A

REAL surprise party meant she was *not in control*. Apparently we were supposed

to know that she wanted to be clued in ahead of time so she could have planned

the whole show and then just *acted surprised* when the guests popped out.

Afterward my Sister and I just commiserated with each other, realizing yet again

that with our nada we just could not win. Nothing we ever did was right, or

good enough, so the surprise party had just been more of the same.

Sister and I realized that if we'd simply taken our mother out to dinner for

her birthday, she would have complained about that TOO, because, bottom line,

my nada LIKED criticizing us! Finding reasons to complain about us and put us

down made her happy!!

Don't let the possibility that your nada will create something to be angry or

hurt about stop you from doing a sweet, kind, thoughtful thing. In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm feeling kind of nervous/anxious and need some perspective.

>

> Nada's 75th birthday is in a couple of weeks.  My sister in law and I are

throwing nada and my husband's uncle (who also turns 75 a week before nada) a

surprise party.

>

>

> Nada and I have been getting along well. She has respected our once a week

phone call. She has not said things around the kids that I don't like. She

praises them.  She listens when I speak on our twice a month visits. We have

conversations. It has not been awful.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go on a

cruise with her or anything; I'm just saying it's been tolerable and I thought

it would be nice to have a party for her.

>

> I think it should go well b/c we are doing it on Easter Sunday and she's

sharing the event with someone else---so there are plenty of buffers in the room

and Easter itself is a buffer, in a way!

>

> I had been planning this since January and had told my brother/flying monkey

all about it along the way, every step of the way.  He ok'd it enthusiastically

every time.

>

> Yesterday, 6 days before the party, he managed to find a way to put one of his

depressing, downbeat clouds on the party. He told me that if *he* were turning

75, he would want his own party, and that he just didn't know " how mom is going

to take this. "   

>

> Why didn't he say something earlier?  How did he think his comments would help

me today??  They're not.  They're making me anxious. HE'S not involved in

planning this. HE'S not doing any of the cooking or the working.  All he's got

is bad, bad, bad.   " Oh, i hope uncle and nephews don't get drunk. Oh, I hope mom

doesn't get mad, Oh, I wish she could have her own party. She hates surprises. "

  NO HELP AT ALL.

>

>

>

> And that's the other thing: he's such an ass-kissing mama's boy.  Like I said

to him, " well, brother, we just don't have the money to do TWO parties. And we

can't throw mother a party in hubby's uncle's house without acknowledging

uncle's birthday, too.  And, anyway, at this point, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's too

late. "  (This is a low-cost party. Uncle's house is the only place large enough

to do it.)

>

> Then he goes on with that whiney, simpering, sniveling voice of his; " mer mer

mer...life's so short...we're all going to die....death is near...the end is

near....mer mer mer.... blah blah blah. "  So he goes on,   " I have money, I'll

GIVE you money. "  I told him, " Brother, I don't need money. It is TOO late. This

party is already planned. "  

>

> THIS is why we're not close, THIS is why I can't stand being around him. It's

like he gets hit with a wave of doubt and depression and it consumes me.  After

all the effort I'm putting into this, he's doing his stupid us vs. them shit.

 He makes me doubt myself and can't say what he means. He can't look me in the

eye. He can't be around people. I feel like he suffocates and infects me....like

nada. it's like he IS nada. I've thought that maybe he's clinically depressed,

but this is his default position--negative, dark, depressed. He goes from doing

a hand puppet show at a restaurant table and NOT noticing how uncomfortable

everyone looks to being brooding, withdrawn, and insular.  It takes too much

energy to be around him.

>

>

> All he's ever got are movie quotes and philosophies from The Godfather and

Monty Python. I know it sounds funny, but I can't tell you how much it enrages

me when he says, " Remember in The Godfather, when...? "   I think I have said

over 500 times that I **have never seen The Godfather or Monty Python**, yet he

continues, acting out lengthy scenes.  

>

>

> you know what? I hope she DOES hate it!!   I hope she storms off to her little

house and he runs after her and they live happily ever after.

>

>

> It would be just like her to be mad that we threw her a party instead of happy

that we remembered her stupid birthday.

>

> I just need perspective, some insight from my fellow KOs.  Just some ideas as

to why my brother is sabotaging this NOW. I was so looking forward to Sunday and

now I'm not.  I try to tell myself, " forget him. Just have fun. "  But it's not

that easy.  I wish he weren't there. And I wish nada wasn't there!  ha ha not

there at her own party.

>

> Thanks for any insights you have and thanks for listening,

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

> I just need perspective, some insight from my fellow KOs.  Just some ideas as

to why my brother is sabotaging this NOW. I was so looking forward to Sunday and

now I'm not.  

Well...it is not unlike a Borderline or Narcissist to get angry about the idea

of having to share the spotlight. It is also not unlike one to triangulate, or

smear people to others. So, it's possible she is really POd that you wouldn't

think she is special enough for her own party and is chewing your brother's ear

off about it. It's also possible he decided to change his mind at the last

minute because that's the example your mother set for him (I know my mother

always did that). Sounds to me like he is accustomed to anticipate things that

would make her mad and is afraid to look forward to anything.

Whatever the reason, you don't have to let his criticism spoil your good time.

Let him sulk if he wants. It's not your fault, and not your responsibility to

fix. You are the one taking the time and effort to plan the party. If your

brother or even your mother doesn't like it, they don't have to come. If they do

come, you don't have to let any of their negativity spoil the good time for

everyone else. You can focus on your FIL at that point.

But they will probably come and put on their happy face for the in-laws, if they

are anything like my FOO. Don't fret.

Sveta.

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I have no real idea why your brother is creating trouble now,

but I can think of several possibilities. If he's her flying

monkey, maybe she's been making comments to him that have made

him come to believe she won't like the party. Or maybe he's got

mental issues himself and is starting to feel jealous that

you're going to get some attention from her over this and he

wants all the attention himself. Maybe he just feels unsure

himself and is spreading his doubt around. Some people are like

that. It does sound like he might be depressed or otherwise

troubled in some way.

I'd say there's a good chance that she'll complain about the

party, not because you're doing anything wrong, but because

nothing is ever good enough for a nada and they typically seem

to derive enjoyment from complaining. She may tell you it was

all wrong and complain all day then go brag to everyone else

about how her daughter threw a party for her birthday. I think

you should just go ahead as if your brother hadn't said

anything. Put on the party as best you can. If your nada doesn't

like it, let that be her problem. Hopefully your husband's uncle

will appreciate it and that will make it worth doing. If your

nada doesn't like it, she can leave and go back home.

At 08:52 AM 04/03/2012 Fiona wrote:

>Hi everyone,

>

>I'm feeling kind of nervous/anxious and need some perspective.

>

>Nada's 75th birthday is in a couple of weeks. My sister in law

>and I are throwing nada and my husband's uncle (who also turns

>75 a week before nada) a surprise party.

>

>

>Nada and I have been getting along well. She has respected our

>once a week phone call. She has not said things around the kids

>that I don't like. She praises them. She listens when I speak

>on our twice a month visits. We have conversations. It has not

>been awful. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go on a cruise with

>her or anything; I'm just saying it's been tolerable and I

>thought it would be nice to have a party for her.

>

>I think it should go well b/c we are doing it on Easter Sunday

>and she's sharing the event with someone else---so there are

>plenty of buffers in the room and Easter itself is a buffer, in

>a way!

>

>I had been planning this since January and had told my

>brother/flying monkey all about it along the way, every step of

>the way. He ok'd it enthusiastically every time.

>

>Yesterday, 6 days before the party, he managed to find a way to

>put one of his depressing, downbeat clouds on the party. He

>told me that if *he* were turning 75, he would want his own

>party, and that he just didn't know " how mom is going to take

>this. "

>

>Why didn't he say something earlier? How did he think his

>comments would help me today?? They're not. They're making me

>anxious. HE'S not involved in planning this. HE'S not doing any

>of the cooking or the working. All he's got is bad, bad,

>bad. " Oh, i hope uncle and nephews don't get drunk. Oh, I hope

>mom doesn't get mad, Oh, I wish she could have her own party.

>She hates surprises. " NO HELP AT ALL.

>

>

>

>And that's the other thing: he's such an ass-kissing mama's

>boy. Like I said to him, " well, brother, we just don't have

>the money to do TWO parties. And we can't throw mother a party

>in hubby's uncle's house without acknowledging uncle's

>birthday, too. And, anyway, at this point, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

>It's too late. " (This is a low-cost party. Uncle's house is

>the only place large enough to do it.)

>

>Then he goes on with that whiney, simpering, sniveling voice of

>his; " mer mer mer...life's so short...we're all going to

>die....death is near...the end is near....mer mer mer.... blah

>blah blah. " So he goes on, " I have money, I'll GIVE you

>money. " I told him, " Brother, I don't need money. It is TOO

>late. This party is already planned. "

>

>THIS is why we're not close, THIS is why I can't stand being

>around him. It's like he gets hit with a wave of doubt and

>depression and it consumes me. After all the effort I'm

>putting into this, he's doing his stupid us vs. them shit. He

>makes me doubt myself and can't say what he means. He can't

>look me in the eye. He can't be around people. I feel like he

>suffocates and infects me....like nada. it's like he IS nada.

>I've thought that maybe he's clinically depressed, but this is

>his default position--negative, dark, depressed. He goes from

>doing a hand puppet show at a restaurant table and NOT noticing

>how uncomfortable everyone looks to being brooding, withdrawn,

>and insular. It takes too much energy to be around him.

>

>

>All he's ever got are movie quotes and philosophies from The

>Godfather and Monty Python. I know it sounds funny, but I can't

>tell you how much it enrages me when he says, " Remember in The

>Godfather, when...? " I think I have said over 500 times that

>I **have never seen The Godfather or Monty Python**, yet he

>continues, acting out lengthy scenes.

>

>

>you know what? I hope she DOES hate it!! I hope she storms

>off to her little house and he runs after her and they live

>happily ever after.

>

>

>It would be just like her to be mad that we threw her a party

>instead of happy that we remembered her stupid birthday.

>

>I just need perspective, some insight from my fellow KOs. Just

>some ideas as to why my brother is sabotaging this NOW. I was

>so looking forward to Sunday and now I'm not. I try to tell

>myself, " forget him. Just have fun. " But it's not that

>easy. I wish he weren't there. And I wish nada wasn't

>there! ha ha not there at her own party.

>

>Thanks for any insights you have and thanks for listening,

>

>Fiona

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Katrina: " She may tell you it was all wrong and complain all day then go brag to

everyone else about how her daughter threw a party for her birthday. "

Katrina, lol! yes, I think you're probably right. I bet she will do that!

Annie: thank you for the reminder that I'm not responsible for my mother's

feelings. It really was good to hear that again. I forget. Things are peaceful

between us right now, I've allowed myself to relax around her and a little voice

in me says " HUGE mistake, Fiona. Don't get too comfortable!! " I thought your

story about the party you threw your nada was interesting: I could totally see

my mother doing a post-mortem on her party, asking why I invited or didn't

invite certain people. God, all of us here are so much alike. My mother has

two good friends. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. But what I'm

saying is if I invite them to this party, she would go apeshit on me. I know

everyone is different, but I would think it'd be nice to have your close friends

at a party celebrating you? So, I'm not going to invite them! We'll see if that

comes up in the post-party review. ha ha!!

Svatshka: you made a good call on my brother when you said, " Sounds to me like

he is accustomed to anticipate things that would make her mad and is afraid to

look forward to anything. " He is, and I am like that, too, when I'm around her

too much. So I try not to spend too much time with her. That's probably why

we're getting along so well lately: we don't see each other too much!

Thank you each for your great insights. I was making their issues my own and I

don't need to do that. I plan on having a great time. Thanks, KOs!!

Fiona

> >Hi everyone,

> >

> >I'm feeling kind of nervous/anxious and need some perspective.

> >

> >Nada's 75th birthday is in a couple of weeks. My sister in law

> >and I are throwing nada and my husband's uncle (who also turns

> >75 a week before nada) a surprise party.

> >

> >

> >Nada and I have been getting along well. She has respected our

> >once a week phone call. She has not said things around the kids

> >that I don't like. She praises them. She listens when I speak

> >on our twice a month visits. We have conversations. It has not

> >been awful. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go on a cruise with

> >her or anything; I'm just saying it's been tolerable and I

> >thought it would be nice to have a party for her.

> >

> >I think it should go well b/c we are doing it on Easter Sunday

> >and she's sharing the event with someone else---so there are

> >plenty of buffers in the room and Easter itself is a buffer, in

> >a way!

> >

> >I had been planning this since January and had told my

> >brother/flying monkey all about it along the way, every step of

> >the way. He ok'd it enthusiastically every time.

> >

> >Yesterday, 6 days before the party, he managed to find a way to

> >put one of his depressing, downbeat clouds on the party. He

> >told me that if *he* were turning 75, he would want his own

> >party, and that he just didn't know " how mom is going to take

> >this. "

> >

> >Why didn't he say something earlier? How did he think his

> >comments would help me today?? They're not. They're making me

> >anxious. HE'S not involved in planning this. HE'S not doing any

> >of the cooking or the working. All he's got is bad, bad,

> >bad. " Oh, i hope uncle and nephews don't get drunk. Oh, I hope

> >mom doesn't get mad, Oh, I wish she could have her own party.

> >She hates surprises. " NO HELP AT ALL.

> >

> >

> >

> >And that's the other thing: he's such an ass-kissing mama's

> >boy. Like I said to him, " well, brother, we just don't have

> >the money to do TWO parties. And we can't throw mother a party

> >in hubby's uncle's house without acknowledging uncle's

> >birthday, too. And, anyway, at this point, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

> >It's too late. " (This is a low-cost party. Uncle's house is

> >the only place large enough to do it.)

> >

> >Then he goes on with that whiney, simpering, sniveling voice of

> >his; " mer mer mer...life's so short...we're all going to

> >die....death is near...the end is near....mer mer mer.... blah

> >blah blah. " So he goes on, " I have money, I'll GIVE you

> >money. " I told him, " Brother, I don't need money. It is TOO

> >late. This party is already planned. "

> >

> >THIS is why we're not close, THIS is why I can't stand being

> >around him. It's like he gets hit with a wave of doubt and

> >depression and it consumes me. After all the effort I'm

> >putting into this, he's doing his stupid us vs. them shit. He

> >makes me doubt myself and can't say what he means. He can't

> >look me in the eye. He can't be around people. I feel like he

> >suffocates and infects me....like nada. it's like he IS nada.

> >I've thought that maybe he's clinically depressed, but this is

> >his default position--negative, dark, depressed. He goes from

> >doing a hand puppet show at a restaurant table and NOT noticing

> >how uncomfortable everyone looks to being brooding, withdrawn,

> >and insular. It takes too much energy to be around him.

> >

> >

> >All he's ever got are movie quotes and philosophies from The

> >Godfather and Monty Python. I know it sounds funny, but I can't

> >tell you how much it enrages me when he says, " Remember in The

> >Godfather, when...? " I think I have said over 500 times that

> >I **have never seen The Godfather or Monty Python**, yet he

> >continues, acting out lengthy scenes.

> >

> >

> >you know what? I hope she DOES hate it!! I hope she storms

> >off to her little house and he runs after her and they live

> >happily ever after.

> >

> >

> >It would be just like her to be mad that we threw her a party

> >instead of happy that we remembered her stupid birthday.

> >

> >I just need perspective, some insight from my fellow KOs. Just

> >some ideas as to why my brother is sabotaging this NOW. I was

> >so looking forward to Sunday and now I'm not. I try to tell

> >myself, " forget him. Just have fun. " But it's not that

> >easy. I wish he weren't there. And I wish nada wasn't

> >there! ha ha not there at her own party.

> >

> >Thanks for any insights you have and thanks for listening,

> >

> >Fiona

>

> --

> Katrina

>