Need other KOs' perspectives

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling kind of nervous/anxious and need some perspective.

Nada's 75th birthday is in a couple of weeks.  My sister in law and I are

throwing nada and my husband's uncle (who also turns 75 a week before nada) a

surprise party.

Nada and I have been getting along well. She has respected our once a week phone

call. She has not said things around the kids that I don't like. She praises

them.  She listens when I speak on our twice a month visits. We have

conversations. It has not been awful.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go on a

cruise with her or anything; I'm just saying it's been tolerable and I thought

it would be nice to have a party for her.

I think it should go well b/c we are doing it on Easter Sunday and she's sharing

the event with someone else---so there are plenty of buffers in the room and

Easter itself is a buffer, in a way!

I had been planning this since January and had told my brother/flying monkey all

about it along the way, every step of the way.  He ok'd it enthusiastically

every time.

Yesterday, 6 days before the party, he managed to find a way to put one of his

depressing, downbeat clouds on the party. He told me that if *he* were turning

75, he would want his own party, and that he just didn't know " how mom is going

to take this. "   

Why didn't he say something earlier?  How did he think his comments would help

me today??  They're not.  They're making me anxious. HE'S not involved in

planning this. HE'S not doing any of the cooking or the working.  All he's got

is bad, bad, bad.   " Oh, i hope uncle and nephews don't get drunk. Oh, I hope mom

doesn't get mad, Oh, I wish she could have her own party. She hates surprises. "

  NO HELP AT ALL.

And that's the other thing: he's such an ass-kissing mama's boy.  Like I said to

him, " well, brother, we just don't have the money to do TWO parties. And we

can't throw mother a party in hubby's uncle's house without acknowledging

uncle's birthday, too.  And, anyway, at this point, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's too

late. "  (This is a low-cost party. Uncle's house is the only place large enough

to do it.)

Then he goes on with that whiney, simpering, sniveling voice of his; " mer mer

mer...life's so short...we're all going to die....death is near...the end is

near....mer mer mer.... blah blah blah. "  So he goes on,   " I have money, I'll

GIVE you money. "  I told him, " Brother, I don't need money. It is TOO late. This

party is already planned. "  

THIS is why we're not close, THIS is why I can't stand being around him. It's

like he gets hit with a wave of doubt and depression and it consumes me.  After

all the effort I'm putting into this, he's doing his stupid us vs. them shit.

 He makes me doubt myself and can't say what he means. He can't look me in the

eye. He can't be around people. I feel like he suffocates and infects me....like

nada. it's like he IS nada. I've thought that maybe he's clinically depressed,

but this is his default position--negative, dark, depressed. He goes from doing

a hand puppet show at a restaurant table and NOT noticing how uncomfortable

everyone looks to being brooding, withdrawn, and insular.  It takes too much

energy to be around him.

All he's ever got are movie quotes and philosophies from The Godfather and Monty

Python. I know it sounds funny, but I can't tell you how much it enrages me when

he says, " Remember in The Godfather, when...? "   I think I have said over 500

times that I **have never seen The Godfather or Monty Python**, yet he

continues, acting out lengthy scenes.  

you know what? I hope she DOES hate it!!   I hope she storms off to her little

house and he runs after her and they live happily ever after.

It would be just like her to be mad that we threw her a party instead of happy

that we remembered her stupid birthday.

I just need perspective, some insight from my fellow KOs.  Just some ideas as to

why my brother is sabotaging this NOW. I was so looking forward to Sunday and

now I'm not.  I try to tell myself, " forget him. Just have fun. "  But it's not

that easy.  I wish he weren't there. And I wish nada wasn't there!  ha ha not

there at her own party.

Thanks for any insights you have and thanks for listening,

Fiona