New Here

April 1, 2012

Hi Everyone

I am posting for the first time on this forum, and I am really looking forward

to a happy journey with you all.

I am a 26 year old female writing from Asia and have been brought up in a

strange household. My mother is the person whom I suspect has BPD. I am somehow

still in denial over the fact that such a diagnoses could be possible because 1.

I have been taught to believe all my life that there is not a purer and lovelier

soul than my mother and that a wretch like me should be grateful to have even

been born to her. 2. I am too dependent on her internally, that is she has been

so consistent in ensuring that I had an isolated childhood that when it comes to

friends I think there is not a single person I am intimate with or with whom I

have ever shared the fact that my mother has been creating a lot of problems in

my life. If I ever had a problem I would just turn to my mother, even if no help

was ever forthcoming from her side, and that is somehow the instinctive response

even now and hence it is difficult to remove her from the pedestal I have

created.

I was really unsure about joining this forum too so but given the fact that I

had been feeling really self-destructive, on a regular basis, after talking to

her, I felt I really should get some help.

I am as of now trying to change careers and also recovering from some long term

illnesses hence after seven years of staying away for college and work, I am

living with my family (It's me, my mother and my younger sister in the house)

and with long term issues festering inside me for really long, it is becoming

quite difficult to stay with them. The worst part is that though I have

intentionally taken time off from work, to figure out how and what changes I

want in my career, I am finding myself in a worse position day by day, because

every single day is spent clearing up some emotional burden that was created

during our conversations. I find myself sleeping extra while my mother is awake

to avoid meeting her.

The problem is I love her too much and feel I am betraying her by joining a

forum like this/ reading up on her issues.

I am also stuck in the feeling that if I don't take care of her who else would

and she would be left all alone and lonely with no one to talk to. This is

usually the main thought which forces me to listen to everything she has to say

and to comply with whatever orders she gives me. She has hurt me in every single

way possible and maligned me in front of others for every small personality

trait of mine and she doesn't seem to want to stop.

I am too tired of thinking about her and our relationship and too exhausted by

the everyday emotional turmoil. I feel really doubtful if I can ever get out of

my situation even as I write this but then again I so wish I find the solutions

here.

April 4, 2012

Hi Katelyn and welcome,

I think what impacts me first about your post is your thoughtful compassion for

what your mother is going through with BPD. You're very empathetic.

That's great that you are in therapy. I think doing this will help you weed out

and balance your feelings. You are right to be angry. You did not have a voice

or separate identity as far as your mother was concerned. She failed to fight

for you or protect you. My mother was the saaaame. Everyone else was right. I

was wrong. I was fat and deserved to be made fun (including by her and my

father).

At this point, you're an adult and what matters now is finding your own voice,

what that means to you and getting out from under her shadow.

Maybe what might help you to figure out your feelings about her would be to view

her as though she were an acquaintance or someone you don't know well. How

would you view her then? A lot of our feelings we have towards our mothers are

experienced through a screen of fear, obligation, and guilt. The naked truth

is, yeah, she fed you and educated you, etc., but she didn't nurture you. Her

parenting was incomplete.

Welcome again to the group.

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> Hello All,

>

> I am new to this group and only recently started to explore the possibility

that I am the adult child of a mother with BPD at the suggestion of my

therapist. I am in my late 20s and for years I have strongly identified with

victims of trauma, except I had no trauma to point to. I thought that maybe I

created all these issues in my head for attention. I was never verbally or

physically abused, and I never suspected I was emotionally abused until

recently. In all areas except emotionally I was taken care of. My mom had no

skills to help me in that area, and actually did a good bit of harm. My dad was

beat down by my mom's dominating personality, so he was no help.

>

> I was a shy, quiet kid, and my mom dominated. Any chance she had, she would

talk for me. She wanted to do everything for me, which I eventually resented and

rebelled against. I think she saw me more as an extension of herself and my

independence was a threat. I never expressed myself well verbally and every so

often, I would get upset. But I was always told my feelings were wrong,

especially if they put my mom in a bad light... Everything revolved around her

image control. If I was mad at her or hurt by her, she never apologized, ever. I

was always wrong. And I was wrong to resent growing up in such a good family

with parents who loved me and took care of me and gave me everything I needed.

>

> And there was never any reasoning with her. If she decided someone was good,

they were good, no matter what. Once I was alone in a teacher's class and he did

something inappropriate. I told my mom, and she didn't believe me because he was

such a nice man and he said such nice things about me. A few weeks later, he was

suddenly fired after a number of girls reported what he had been doing/saying to

them. Even then my mom still made excuses for him.

>

> I was also bullied excessively for several years for being overweight and got

no support from my parents. By age 11 I was suicidal and missed a month of

school because I was so depressed. My grades started slipping and were not great

through high school. I was put on prozac and we never talked about it. Nobody

seemed interested in addressing the real problem. I sought out a therapist on my

own in high school and found some good friends and mentors, but things were

never fully addressed until recently with a new therapist. Since age 11 I have

had complex PTSD, been severely depressed, anxious, etc. In the last few months

I have been working through a lot of this in therapy, and it's been so good, but

so painful.

>

> As I learn more about BPD, I'm starting to see how unhappy life must be for my

mom. I'm so mad at her for in many ways failing me and hurting me, but she is

also a really hurt person. I know that she loves me and has taken care of me to

the best she is able, but her capacity is so limited. She wouldn't have chosen

to be this way. I think her dad has a personality disorder too and I suspect she

experienced some kind of trauma when she was young. I feel compassion towards

her and am starting to see where she is coming from. But at the same time, I

feel like she was so selfish and more concerned with herself than she was with

her own daughter. It's so frustrating because I just want to be mad at her. Does

anybody have any suggestions on how to balance these things?

>

> If you read all of this, thank you!

>

> Katelyn

>

April 4, 2012

reading this gave me a weird sense of de ja vu. I thought you were a sister of

mine. Nadas are so eerily similar. my nada thinks teachers are gods. my sister

had the same thing happen with a teacher of hers. I have had some horrible

things happen to me with teachers, and Nada STILL denys it beyond reason.

I second what was said about you being a compassionate person. I am having the

same struggle as you the balance of emotions toward my mom is hard for me too. I

also thought I created it all in my head Nadas are very convincing.

I too was severely bullied. Nada STILL thinks I made it up, denies there was any

issue with adults who did nothing while watching me be brutalized, and thinks I

turned it into more incidents than it was in my head. she puts it down to me

having a " chip on my shoulder " it goes without saying that neither of my parents

even acknowledged there was a problem except to tell me stupid stories about

chickens pecking each other to death, and how that's just life. I never had

help. until now.

Meikjn

> >

> > Hello All,

> >

> > I am new to this group and only recently started to explore the possibility