Guest guest Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 Hello all, I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hello , It sounds to me like you need to take a big step back from dealing with her. If your husband is at the point of not being able to handle any more of her, then you need to do what is right for the two of you. Your husband and your marriage take precedence. Don't let her come between you. If you choose to spend time with her and she starts repeating things your grandmother supposedly said, I recommend saying something like " Mom, I'd rather not hear anything more about that " and if she continues, take action to put a stop to it - leave, hang up, etc. You don't have to put up with that kind of thing, especially when chances are good that what she's telling you is lies or distortions of what was really said. If she insists on saying negative things about your husband, do the same thing. What is your grandfather's situation? Does he need your help for his own sake or does he need your help with your mother? His relationship with her should be between the two of them. It isn't your responsibility if he chooses to be more involved with her. If he really doesn't want to help her, then he can choose to stop doing so. If he wants to pretend that all is well with her, that's his choice. He doesn't get to make that choice for you though. If he is able to take care of himself, and he chooses to be her flying monkey and gang up on you with her, I'd recommend applying the same technique with him as well. If he really isn't able to take care of himself, then you have a tougher choice to make. Either way, I think you need to enforce some boundaries to protect yourself. At 12:39 AM 04/02/2012 wrote: >Hello all, >I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm >realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind >that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > >Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on >my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my >own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually >my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with >my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD >mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug >addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was >manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink >and came from an alocoholic family. > >In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the >depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my >mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk >to her for a while. It was actually kind of >nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds >dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling >like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her >parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live >with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This >December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had >died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have >some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to >get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my >grandmother died on Christmas day. > >It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My >grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want >to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in >every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So >since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how >wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, >forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, >we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to >put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an >undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for >him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I >now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her >how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing >show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And >she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she >knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of >the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, >no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give >my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F >out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to >jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of >being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I >accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the > " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes >ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on >on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature >one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how >much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he >can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it >weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd >tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he >seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > >Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother >said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and >she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against >us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi , That's a tough place to be in, I sympathize. Please don't beat yourself up too much, its hard for us KOs to see our own situation clearly; we don't have the objectivity. My own opinion is that you're still feeling misplaced, inappropriate guilt for stuff. You are not responsible for how your bpd mom feels about anything, you are not responsible for what your bpd mom says to your grandfather, or how he feels, or how he caters to your bpd mom, or if he has a heart attack or not; you are NOT responsible for ANY of that. They are both adults, and its not your job to manage their feelings for them. Their feelings are their own to manage. You and your husband deserve to have a joyful, peaceful adult existence without scraping up the poop your bpd mom makes and disposing of it for her. You were not put on this earth to be your bpd mom's emotional punching bag, neither you nor your sweet husband who is trying to be a good son-in-law but ends up getting cursed at. My own personal suggestion is to create more space, more emotional distance between your bpd mom and you by setting some clear, firm boundaries, and by shedding your misplaced, inappropriate guilt. And yes, I agree that her hostile, demanding, belligerent, vitriol-slinging, narcissistic behaviors are probably half due to alcoholism and half due to personality disorder. From what I've read about it, its hard to tell the difference. Perhaps start with the boundary that you're only going to communicate with your bpd mom once a week, or that you're going to not accept being cursed at anymore. If she acts out with screaming fits and cursing then she gets a " time out. " Truly, I think in a lot of cases bpd is the adult version of a very, very spoiled three year old having a red-faced, screaming tantrum when they're told no, they can't have ice cream before dinner. The pwBPD learns over time that " Hey, screaming rage-tantrums WORK! I get my way whenever I shriek and curse at my kids/my husband/etc.! Hey, cool. I'll keep doing it! " So, the idea is to stop rewarding her with your attention when she's acting badly. She only gets some attention when she can behave like a rational, reasonable adult. I hope that helps. -Annie > > Hello all, > I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > > Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. > > In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. > > It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > > Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi , My first impression after reading your post was " chaos. " (please understand: the chaos is not your fault or of your doing; you are a victim of it.) Do you have to be around your mother? You said your husband can't handle much more of her. It just sounds like you may be sacrificing your own healing and your marriage for your grandfather, who you said has ganged up against you with your mother. Your mother sounds like a chaotic and destructive person who, on top of everything, is very alcoholic. I know you said if it weren't for your grandfather you'd be out of there. But why do you have to protect your grandfather? What if you were in another country or in some other way unable to help him? You need protecting and so does your marriage. (I put my mother first before my marriage for many years and deeply regret it.) So, that's my two cents. Good luck, . I hope your mother gets help. Fiona > > Hello all, > I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > > Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. > > In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. > > It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > > Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 " >Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother >said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and >she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against >us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > " OMG. Nada did NOTHING but that the entire time I knew her. NOTHING else but. Story of my life. I had to go NC with mine. I'm just so sorry you are going through this. It's even worse you've moved, now you are stuck there real close to them. -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 <<Truly, I think in a lot of cases bpd is the adult version of a very, very spoiled three year old having a red-faced, screaming tantrum when they're told no, they can't have ice cream before dinner. The BPD learns over time that " Hey, screaming rage-tantrums WORK! I get my way whenever I shriek and curse at my kids/my husband/etc.! Hey, cool. I'll keep doing it! " So, the idea is to stop rewarding her with your attention when she's acting badly. She only gets some attention when she can behave like a rational, reasonable adult. >>     I think this is correct. My nada, given the choice of asking or demanding-shrieking-cursing to get something would choose the latter. Even if asking would get the same result. I think she felt by being an ogre, 1) she'd get what she wanted that much faster, and, 2) she would get whatever benefit she saw in being nasty just for the heck of it. As to the latter, it was probably transferring her internal feelings of anger or self-loathing onto others as BPD's are wont to do. To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, April 3, 2012 6:26 PM Subject: Re: Help  Hi , That's a tough place to be in, I sympathize. Please don't beat yourself up too much, its hard for us KOs to see our own situation clearly; we don't have the objectivity. My own opinion is that you're still feeling misplaced, inappropriate guilt for stuff. You are not responsible for how your bpd mom feels about anything, you are not responsible for what your bpd mom says to your grandfather, or how he feels, or how he caters to your bpd mom, or if he has a heart attack or not; you are NOT responsible for ANY of that. They are both adults, and its not your job to manage their feelings for them. Their feelings are their own to manage. You and your husband deserve to have a joyful, peaceful adult existence without scraping up the poop your bpd mom makes and disposing of it for her. You were not put on this earth to be your bpd mom's emotional punching bag, neither you nor your sweet husband who is trying to be a good son-in-law but ends up getting cursed at. My own personal suggestion is to create more space, more emotional distance between your bpd mom and you by setting some clear, firm boundaries, and by shedding your misplaced, inappropriate guilt. And yes, I agree that her hostile, demanding, belligerent, vitriol-slinging, narcissistic behaviors are probably half due to alcoholism and half due to personality disorder. From what I've read about it, its hard to tell the difference. Perhaps start with the boundary that you're only going to communicate with your bpd mom once a week, or that you're going to not accept being cursed at anymore. If she acts out with screaming fits and cursing then she gets a " time out. " Truly, I think in a lot of cases bpd is the adult version of a very, very spoiled three year old having a red-faced, screaming tantrum when they're told no, they can't have ice cream before dinner. The pwBPD learns over time that " Hey, screaming rage-tantrums WORK! I get my way whenever I shriek and curse at my kids/my husband/etc.! Hey, cool. I'll keep doing it! " So, the idea is to stop rewarding her with your attention when she's acting badly. She only gets some attention when she can behave like a rational, reasonable adult. I hope that helps. -Annie > > Hello all, > I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > > Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. > > In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. > > It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > > Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 I wish it were just a behavior issue. If it were, we would have much better success rates. This is a condition, and the more I study it, the more I realize that it has a nuerological component to it also. However, we can reprogram some neurological issues. I read today in " Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder " By Sheri Manning, PhD that if the typical emotion scale runs from a 20% range and raises to 30%, that the BPD operates at an 80% and goes to 90%, and that they hold it 20% longer. Their emotional makeup is significantly higher than ours. Placing additional consequences on them only makes it worse. I am starting to see that unless we can have massive amounts of compassion, and empathy, the best thing for them is to leave! I love that (my GF) woman like I have never loved. I hope she comes back, and if and when she does, I will have even more compassion for her. Thank God she sees her condition. If she didn't I would have to let her go without hope. Bill Re: Help Hi , That's a tough place to be in, I sympathize. Please don't beat yourself up too much, its hard for us KOs to see our own situation clearly; we don't have the objectivity. My own opinion is that you're still feeling misplaced, inappropriate guilt for stuff. You are not responsible for how your bpd mom feels about anything, you are not responsible for what your bpd mom says to your grandfather, or how he feels, or how he caters to your bpd mom, or if he has a heart attack or not; you are NOT responsible for ANY of that. They are both adults, and its not your job to manage their feelings for them. Their feelings are their own to manage. You and your husband deserve to have a joyful, peaceful adult existence without scraping up the poop your bpd mom makes and disposing of it for her. You were not put on this earth to be your bpd mom's emotional punching bag, neither you nor your sweet husband who is trying to be a good son-in-law but ends up getting cursed at. My own personal suggestion is to create more space, more emotional distance between your bpd mom and you by setting some clear, firm boundaries, and by shedding your misplaced, inappropriate guilt. And yes, I agree that her hostile, demanding, belligerent, vitriol-slinging, narcissistic behaviors are probably half due to alcoholism and half due to personality disorder. From what I've read about it, its hard to tell the difference. Perhaps start with the boundary that you're only going to communicate with your bpd mom once a week, or that you're going to not accept being cursed at anymore. If she acts out with screaming fits and cursing then she gets a " time out. " Truly, I think in a lot of cases bpd is the adult version of a very, very spoiled three year old having a red-faced, screaming tantrum when they're told no, they can't have ice cream before dinner. The pwBPD learns over time that " Hey, screaming rage-tantrums WORK! I get my way whenever I shriek and curse at my kids/my husband/etc.! Hey, cool. I'll keep doing it! " So, the idea is to stop rewarding her with your attention when she's acting badly. She only gets some attention when she can behave like a rational, reasonable adult. I hope that helps. -Annie > > Hello all, > I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > > Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. > > In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. > > It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > > Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi Bill, Welcome to the Group. Thing is, a lot of the bpd/npd parents discussed here *do* have the ability to control their behaviors when they want to. Not their emotions: their behaviors. This is referred to as " high functioning " bpd. My bpd/npd mother (or " nada " , who died recently) could and did control her frustration, irritability and rage when she was in public, around other adults, but would unleash it in private against her husband, and my little Sister and me, and against her own older sister whom she loathed. She had this control up until the final few months of her life, when senile dementia robbed her of most of her emotional executive control. Then she became " low functioning " and would suddenly lash out with rage and violence against her care-givers at the residential care facility, and against strangers and neighbors and the police, not just at Sister and me. So, basically I agree with you that I think in a lot of cases those with borderline pd have an actual organic, neurological dysfunction going on in their brains. If I understand correctly, Dr Linehan, who developed dialectical behavioral therapy and has bpd herself, thinks bpd should be reclassified as an Axis I disorder. I have felt that way for a long time now; I think it should be an Axis I disorder if for no other reason than the bpd can lose touch with reality sometimes due to stress. " Transient paranoia and delusional thinking " is a really alarming and dangerous trait, and my nada had that in spades. My mother was too emotionally unstable, too angry, too violent and too prone to psychotic episodes *when she was alone* to have been raising children virtually alone and unsupervised. But a lot of the bpd parents discussed here are high-functioning and can control their behaviors if not their emotions, they've simply always felt entitled to " let it all hang out " with their loved ones. My own mother told me that " You HAVE to love me " , meaning that she could treat me any way she wanted to and I had no rights, no voice, and no option to protect myself from her rages and verbal vitriol and false accusations (due to her paranoia and delusional thinking.) Also, keep in mind that some of the bpd parents spoken of here have more than " just " bpd, as though that's not tragic enough. Some, like my recently deceased nada, have co-morbidities of other personality disorders like narcissistic pd, antisocial pd, obsessive-compulsive pd, and some even have Axis I disorders like depression, anxiety, or psychotic disorders like schizophrenia. And any of these co-morbid disorders including bpd can fall into a spectrum of severity. Naturally one would handle a mildly-affected individual differently than a bpd parent who is frequently suicidal, or dangerous and hostile to others. In the case of high-functioning bpd individuals who are only mildly affected by the disorder, I believe that one can establish boundaries and enforce consequences with empathy and gentle firmness, the same as dealing with a very spoiled three year old. -Annie > > > > Hello all, > > I haven't been on in a while, and that's my mistake that I'm realizing now. I have a small novel, but if you don't mind that then I'd really appreciate some feedback. > > > > Firstoff, I am a counselor, and to have missed all of this on my own eats at me in a big way. I feel blind to myself and my own life...and therefore I don't trust myself. It was actually my own therapist who helped me to realize the issues I had with my stepdaughter and her mother were all related to my own BPD mother. I grew up with an apparently BPD, alcohol and drug addicted mother, and a stepfatehr who meant well but was manipulated by her as much as I was, and also liked to drink and came from an alocoholic family. > > > > In short, I spent 6 years in therapy learning to deal with the depression I had and the self esteem issues because of my mother. In 2002, she moved in with some bum and we didn't talk to her for a while. It was actually kind of nice. Peaceful. A chance to heal, if you will. It sounds dramatic, but I actually came to describe my hurt as feeling like a " brushburn on the brain " . A few years later, her parents began speaking to her again, and moved her down to live with them in another state. That was about 5 years ago. This December, we moved down to help my grandparents bc my uncle had died, and my mother won't drive bc she apparently must have some arrest reacord that she won't fess up to but refuses to get her license. So my husband and I moved down, and my grandmother died on Christmas day. > > > > It leaves my grandfather, my mother, and my uncles partner. My grandfather has in the past made statements like he didn't want to go help my mother, but it's all he does. He placates her in every way. And my grandmother isn't here to ask anymore. So since my grandmother has died, my mother alternates between how wonderful we are and buying us things, and telling me things, forgetting (or lying-who knows) and saying I'm making them up, we're lying to her, etc. My husband didn't get to her house to put a cover on her pool before noon, so now he's an undependable bum that " nobody understands why I stick up for him, and how I'm no longer a " nice girl " . She says this bc I now turn her own words around on her. For example, I asked her how she knew my H lied to her. She said " bc he didn't " F " ing show up! " I said did you call him to ask what happened? " And she goes into this whole thing about she doesn't have to, she knows what he's about, she'll just hire > someone to take care of the pool. So I said " OK, if that's how you want to handle it, no problem. That really made her mad. She says " If you give my father a heart attack I'll come over there and puch the F out of you. To which I replied, " you'll the one who'll go to jail, but ok " . It seemed inflammatory, but I'm so tired of being her whipping boy, or girl as the cae may be. For years I accepted being treated like that. She told me if I was the " nice girl I used to be I would have simpoly said Yes ma'am. " Guess I'm not nice anymore. And she LOVES to hang on on you when she can't handle it anymore. But I'm the immature one. She drinks 8 liters of vodka a month....I don't know how much is that or the BPD. And my husband is now telling me he can't handle much more of her. I feel very trapped. If it weren't for my grandfather, this would be very simple...I'd tell her to kiss off and that would be the end of it. But he seems to need to pretend it's all ok.... > > > > Sp she continues to tell me all these things my grandmother said about us that i have no idea if they're true or not, and she's got herself ganged up with my grandfather against us. It's just a bit much to handle. And thoughts? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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