finding the balance of boundaries

April 3, 2012

I was wondering how some of you handle conversations and spending time with your

nadas. I just hung up with my nada and realize I'm on edge because I know I

need to be ready to stop her when she crosses the line and now I'm thinking I

may be jumping the gun too soon. I feel like I might be ready to pounce before

she even says something that's none of her business or offers unsolicited

advice. I know I need to have boundaries and I feel like I've yet to find the

balance between imposing them and not being totally ridged. I don't want to be

a total jerk to her when in reality she's probably being pretty good.

How have some of you navigated through these feelings and have found that

balance? Maybe I'm so ready to pounce because she's hurt me so much and don't

trust her. I hate to say this because it's just so mean but I really do just

hate her at times. Sometimes she just comes out of no where with things and she

totally catches me off gaurd and when I stop her or tell her off she plays the

victim card. I'm the jerk. I'm the one with the problem and she doesn't see

what she's said or done that was wrong.

It sounds like some of you are farther along than I am with imposing boundaries

without feeling guilty. Got any tips on finding that balance between imposing

them without over doing it.

Thanks,

Ariel

April 3, 2012

Ariel,

If you're having trouble knowing when your boundaries are being

violated, perhaps you need to be more specific about what they

are. If you make them specific enough, it ought to mostly be

clear when you need to impose sanctions. For example, if you

start out with " she isn't allowed to be mean to me " that's

rather vague. Instead, you can replace that with things like

" she isn't allowed to curse at me " and " she isn't allowed to

yell at me " . If your boundaries are clear already, then stop

second-guessing yourself when you act on them. Have confidence

in yourself and your ability to decide what you will and won't

allow. The boundaries are for you, so make them as detailed as

they need to be for you to feel like they're well-defined.

Enforcing your boundaries is not being a jerk to her. If you're

pouncing on her behavior, it is almost certainly because she has

a history of misbehavior and experience tells you what is likely

to happen if you let her continue down the path she's started

on. You have a right to protect yourself from emotional and

verbal abuse. That's not being a jerk. It isn't something to

feel guilty about. If the fact that she's your mother is

responsible for the guilt, try considering how you'd act and

feel if someone unrelated was doing/saying the same things to

you. Mothers don't get a free pass to be abusive just because

they are mothers.

If you feel like you're being a jerk, perhaps the problem is

with how you've decided to react when she violates your

boundaries. What do you do when it happens? Asking her to stop

is fine. Telling her off is probably a bad idea though.

Responding emotionally just feeds a nada's misbahevior. Even

trying to explain is probably a bad idea. She's probably never

going to see what she said or did wrong. People with BPD act the

way they do because they don't understand why it is wrong to act

that way. They just don't have the emotional maturity that an

adult should have. They're a lot like toddlers emotionally. When

a two-year-old misbehaves, you say " NO! " very firmly. You don't

tell the child off or try to explain adult concepts to the

child. I've never bothered explaining to my mother what my

boundaries are or why I'm not allowing her to misbehave. I just

tell her we're not going to discuss that or that I'm not going

to listen to that when she starts saying inappropriate things.

At that point she has two choices. She can either stop or she

can try to continue. If she chooses to try to continue, I end

the conversation and hang up or leave. She may not understand

why what she's saying is wrong, but she understands perfectly

well that saying that type of thing causes me to stop talking to

her.

Learning what does and doesn't work in your particular situation

can take a while. Learning not to react the way you've been

taught to react can be a slow process as well. You need to learn

new ways of thinking about your relationship with her. Don't get

discouraged by small setbacks or slow progress.

At 07:42 PM 04/03/2012 mimi_and_d wrote:

>I was wondering how some of you handle conversations and

>spending time with your nadas. I just hung up with my nada and

>realize I'm on edge because I know I need to be ready to stop

>her when she crosses the line and now I'm thinking I may be

>jumping the gun too soon. I feel like I might be ready to

>pounce before she even says something that's none of her

>business or offers unsolicited advice. I know I need to have

>boundaries and I feel like I've yet to find the balance between

>imposing them and not being totally ridged. I don't want to be

>a total jerk to her when in reality she's probably being pretty

>good.

>How have some of you navigated through these feelings and have

>found that balance? Maybe I'm so ready to pounce because she's

>hurt me so much and don't trust her. I hate to say this

>because it's just so mean but I really do just hate her at

>times. Sometimes she just comes out of no where with things

>and she totally catches me off gaurd and when I stop her or

>tell her off she plays the victim card. I'm the jerk. I'm the

>one with the problem and she doesn't see what she's said or

>done that was wrong.

>

>It sounds like some of you are farther along than I am with

>imposing boundaries without feeling guilty. Got any tips on

>finding that balance between imposing them without over doing

>it.

>Thanks,

>Ariel

--

Katrina

April 3, 2012

Hi Mimi,

Maybe try picking ONE topic to start with, something you really dread her

bringing up.

Lets say its your... finances. So, try setting one boundary, that you will no

longer discuss your financial situation with your nada. Then when that becomes

an established, respected boundary, choose another one. Add them one at a

time, gradually.

Maybe the gradual approach will work for you.

-Annie

>

> I was wondering how some of you handle conversations and spending time with

your nadas. I just hung up with my nada and realize I'm on edge because I know

I need to be ready to stop her when she crosses the line and now I'm thinking I

may be jumping the gun too soon. I feel like I might be ready to pounce before

she even says something that's none of her business or offers unsolicited

advice. I know I need to have boundaries and I feel like I've yet to find the

balance between imposing them and not being totally ridged. I don't want to be

a total jerk to her when in reality she's probably being pretty good.

> How have some of you navigated through these feelings and have found that

balance? Maybe I'm so ready to pounce because she's hurt me so much and don't

trust her. I hate to say this because it's just so mean but I really do just

hate her at times. Sometimes she just comes out of no where with things and she

totally catches me off gaurd and when I stop her or tell her off she plays the

victim card. I'm the jerk. I'm the one with the problem and she doesn't see

what she's said or done that was wrong.

>

> It sounds like some of you are farther along than I am with imposing

boundaries without feeling guilty. Got any tips on finding that balance between

imposing them without over doing it.

> Thanks,

> Ariel

>

April 4, 2012

Hi Ariel,

I know how you feel. I've been through that with my nada and sometimes still do.

At one time, I would, before calling nada, say 2 things to myself to be strong

(you know, affirmations of some kind) but found myself really tensed up, waiting

for her to attack me.

I think they know! They know when we're relaxed and THEN swoop in for the kill.

ha ha

For me, it's been -- and still is-- a very long road with boundaries.

Sometimes, I have to let things go; you know, pick my battles.

At one point, it got very bad and I had to write her and tell her, bullet by

bullet the things that she would say that pained me. I told her our relationship

would never move forward and that of her with her grandchildren, if she could

not respect those bullet points.

She definitely played the victim card BIG time and we didn't talk for weeks

until it was straightened out. She knows if she oversteps one of those

bullets--and again, these were deal breakers for me--that I would cut off

communication with her.

I think it's always a work in progress, this boundaries thing. It's hard to nail

it down, at least for me.

Take care, Ariel.

Fiona