Could I have handled this conversation better?

[Guest guest]

How would some of you handle this conversation??? I spoke to my nada today to

let her know my husband took a pay cut and what had happened at work. She then

said...you know you can count on me... I can always retire and be there for you

and the kids and went on and on, but inside I was UGH in your damn dreams. I

thanked her but said that we'd be fine. Inside I was really wanting to say, yeah

over my dead body would I ever let you take care of my kids. I want you as far

from me and my kids...my family as possible. Ofcourse those are not very kind

thing to say so I just said... it's ok mom we'll be fine and that I always want

to be the one to watch over my kids. I guess I said that because she hit a

nerve and wanted to let her know... I got this.

She then said a saying in Spanish that pretty much says, don't spit up in the

air because it might land on you. I guess she said that because she felt

rejected, but does she not know what she's put me through. UGH! I'd never leave

her with my kids. There is just so much pain, I just want to be away from her

but on the other hand it does seem like she's trying. I just can't seem to get

over what she's done to me. I've spent so much of my life wondering if I was

the crazy one when in reality she was the one with the problem.

She says things like this all the time. Our family goes camping a lot. Well of

course my nada says, oh wouldn't it be nice if I could go with you guys? UH,

NO! LOL! I just hate to have to tell her know, mom it's our vacation. She

totally sets herself up for rejection.

Do some of you deal with this? How do you handle it?

Thanks,

Ariel

[Guest guest]

Ariel,

The obvious question I see here is why you told her anything at

all about your husband taking a pay cut. Is there some reason

she needs to know that? Your finances aren't her business unless

you owe her money and need to renegotiate paying it back.

I handle things like this by never telling my nada anything that

is personal or important to me.

If you don't tell your nada personal stuff that isn't her

business, then she can't use it against you. If you do tell her,

then she's likely to use it to her advantage and you end up with

conversations like this one. There's no way for you to come out

ahead in this type of conversation. Anything you say to a

statement like the one she made about retiring and being there

is likely to have bad results. If you don't accept her help,

you're rejecting her. If you do accept it she can hold that over

your head and she can say you're using her or your husband isn't

a good enough provider for you, or any one of a dozen other

criticisms. It sounds to me like you handled the followup about

as well as it could have been handled.

At 07:52 PM 04/03/2012 mimi_and_d wrote:

>How would some of you handle this conversation??? I spoke to

>my nada today to let her know my husband took a pay cut and

>what had happened at work. She then said...you know you can

>count on me... I can always retire and be there for you and the

>kids and went on and on, but inside I was UGH in your damn

>dreams. I thanked her but said that we'd be fine. Inside I was

>really wanting to say, yeah over my dead body would I ever let

>you take care of my kids. I want you as far from me and my

>kids...my family as possible. Ofcourse those are not very kind

>thing to say so I just said... it's ok mom we'll be fine and

>that I always want to be the one to watch over my kids. I

>guess I said that because she hit a nerve and wanted to let her

>know... I got this.

>She then said a saying in Spanish that pretty much says, don't

>spit up in the air because it might land on you. I guess she

>said that because she felt rejected, but does she not know what

>she's put me through. UGH! I'd never leave her with my

>kids. There is just so much pain, I just want to be away from

>her but on the other hand it does seem like she's trying. I

>just can't seem to get over what she's done to me. I've spent

>so much of my life wondering if I was the crazy one when in

>reality she was the one with the problem.

>She says things like this all the time. Our family goes

>camping a lot. Well of course my nada says, oh wouldn't it be

>nice if I could go with you guys? UH, NO! LOL! I just hate to

>have to tell her know, mom it's our vacation. She totally sets

>herself up for rejection.

>Do some of you deal with this? How do you handle it?

>

>Thanks,

>Ariel

>

--

Katrina