Guest guest Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. Any advice for a newbie on this journey? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 WELCOME My advice - read a lot of good psych books, get a therapist, and come here every day. Start to embrace that you are worth something. That your life is yours and not hers. I've been in my studio dancing for the last 90 min - yeah that woulda never ever ever been part of my routine if she were still alive to me. What a wonderful world - when you live for you and not her. Welcome XOXO girlscout On Mon, Aug 15, 2011 at 11:57 AM, emw_erica wrote: > ** > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's > posts. > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on > it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has > Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he > raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had > alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has > started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering > machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been > diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the > pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a > therapist. > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to > " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just > want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am > worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of > harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. > But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and > although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Thanks, that was some really nice advice! > > > ** > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's > > posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on > > it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has > > Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he > > raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had > > alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has > > started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering > > machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been > > diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the > > pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a > > therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to > > " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just > > want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am > > worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of > > harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. > > But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and > > although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 " She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. " Hi a, Welcome to the group! My mother used to be witchy in her younger days but more recently has become waify/hermity. She and my father had the same dynamic as you described about your parents; when he died, he left my brother and me with a completely dependent, enmeshed, draining childlike person. It has been something else. Thankfully, she works, so that has given her a good distraction. My dad was also the type to explicitly tell me not to rock the boat. I've learned recently what that really means is " don't make life difficult for me. " I can totally relate to being afraid of her, a. I still struggle with this. Mostly with fear of what's going to happen if I set boundaries. But I have to tell you, I also have 2 girls and when my mother struck out at my little one, that's when I realized the games were over. I wrote her a very honest letter setting my boundaries (how many times a week I would talk to her, how she could no longer talk to my children as she does, etc). She did not like it and is definitely freaking out but I feel ALIVE. I have a voice, I'm using it. It's something I'm not used to with her. It really helps to read up on bpd; maybe you could read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Surviving the Borderline Mother, Boundaries, and gain some good coping skills from those. You'll take steps you're comfortable with to gain freedom from her and to gain your voice, too. I've learned it's important for my kids to see me doing this. Therapy has been very helpful for me, as well and being with this group has helped me know I'm not crazy!! I wish you healing and freedom! Fiona > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 The things that BPs say and do are very hurtful and mean. They hurt us and and all we know how to do is what we have be taught to do from birth; retaliate and/or try to fix them. Both of these tactics only fuel the disorder and the dysfunction. If you have been raised in this dysfunction, like I was, it is natural and familiar. It is hard to learn how to not be a part of it. I remember my first therapist saying, " you don't have to play. " She was talking about my part of the dysfunction; I was very much so a part of it; I just didn't know it until much later. When my therapist said this, I looked at her trying to understand, like a dog when he tilts his head in confusion. I couldn't see my part. She dropped it immediately, so I guess I just wasn't read for this insight. I think I became able to see my part of the dysfunction after I did more work to differentiate me from my mother and who she wanted me to be. I stopped trying to fix her and I stopped reacting to her dysfunctional behaviors. Of course, this was very uncomfortable for mother and she reacted to this change in our relationship with sabotage, which was very hurtful and mean. When the sabotage happened, I tried to mirror it back to her, so she could see her behavior and how it was affecting me. I wasn't very good at this, it was a new behavior for me, and maybe it wasn't the right approach for her. However, you can't learn knew ways of being without trying new things. And there is a lot of trial and error. I tried asking her about her feeling and this would send her into a rage. I tried ignoring her bad behavior and this made her withdrawal. I wasn't able to find a way to be me while having my mother in my life and the sabotage happened so fast. Basically, my mother did not like the changes in me and the way it was changing our relationship. She liked me trying to fix her or reacting to her in anger and retaliation. a, maybe your mother is seeing change in her relationship with you and she doesn't like it. At her age, change in raging; she is more dependent and less able. You also may be changing, both as a person and in your role in your mother's life. I can't advise on to how to handle the sabotage. I think that what you are doing now is probably the best you can do. She isn't going to change, so just keep being you and she will keep being herself. It has nothing to do with you; it's not your fault she is the way she is. It must be scary being a child trapped in the body of a 66 year old woman. There is nothing you can do to help her be happy. You are taking care of her " management " needs; that is all you need to worry about, even this is a choice. > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 I wanted to offer that there is another thing besides retaliation (or perhaps just standing up to them, assertively announcing your own individuality and independence) and besides trying to fix them, that the children of bpd parents do in order to cope, which is to become totally enmeshed and subservient. To just give up and merge with them. Its like the way a prisoner is broken, its a breaking of the individual child's will, to make them compliant and obedient. I was completely enmeshed and merged with my nada and dad until I was about 33, when they moved away from me. -Annie > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Annie, you hit that one on the head. My brother was a subservient/enmeshed relationship with my BP mother. He died of a heroin overdoes at age 30 something (in 2005). He totally submitted to whatever mother wanted and she controlled him like a puppet. It wasn't until after he died that I realized this. My brother and I were different in many ways. I was a fighter and he just gave up and submitted. After he died, I realized that I never really knew him, because he was never allowed to exist; he never was. I have no doubt now that he was a BP; he had all the risk factors, the background, and all the criteria. In the end, he was trying so hard to be himself, but it was too overwhelming for him. The only thing he knew how to be was what someone else wanted him to be (especially mother). Of course, there was no way to measure up to mothers expectations, even if you were completely submissive. I wish I had the chance to get to know him. I wonder how he would have reacted to the new me. He may have taken mother's side and become angry with me, after we officially separated. In mother's world there are only two sides; her side and the other side. I am definitely not on her side, according to her reality. > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Thanks. This is dead-on. My mother is extremely fearful and angry at the world and wants me to feel the same way. She wants me to be a clone of her. In the past few years I have become more and more independent and have started to pull away. This last go-round is stemming from a situation where I would not give in on a ridiculous request. This is probably the first time I've stood my ground 100% because I was afraid of just this scenario - an extreme over-the-top reaction. I know I'm doing the right thing taking charge of the situation, it's just hard not to let the mean words get inside your head and I'm also so conditioned to worry about her and her feelings. > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 You are correct. My nada is an energy vampire and she will rob me of my energy until I submit to whatever her attention seeking demand is. I deal with the Waif/Queen Nada that has a jealousy problem and also am an only child. Sometimes the only way to keep your sanity is to give up and merge even though it makes you feel broken. Right now she has broken me. it has been a long time since I have emailed the group. I shouldn't have stopped but I thought things were getting better. HAHA We all know those words. Then like a ton of bricks they hit you when your not looking. How does an only child set up boundaries? stop the ten phone calls a day? The surprise visits? Its like she is not happy until I have NO energy left for her to feed on. katie Re: Hi - New Here Annie, you hit that one on the head. My brother was a subservient/enmeshed relationship with my BP mother. He died of a heroin overdoes at age 30 something (in 2005). He totally submitted to whatever mother wanted and she controlled him like a puppet. It wasn't until after he died that I realized this. My brother and I were different in many ways. I was a fighter and he just gave up and submitted. After he died, I realized that I never really knew him, because he was never allowed to exist; he never was. I have no doubt now that he was a BP; he had all the risk factors, the background, and all the criteria. In the end, he was trying so hard to be himself, but it was too overwhelming for him. The only thing he knew how to be was what someone else wanted him to be (especially mother). Of course, there was no way to measure up to mothers expectations, even if you were completely submissive. I wish I had the chance to get to know him. I wonder how he would have reacted to the new me. He may have taken mother's side and become angry with me, after we officially separated. In mother's world there are only two sides; her side and the other side. I am definitely not on her side, according to her reality. > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\ be >. Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 I agree. I often feel that way. And when you're a child, you don't know any differently. > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Wow! I'm brand new (to this group) after belonging to a married BDP group during my marriage. My ex-wife was BDP. Now I'm coming to terms with my 74 year old mother being BDP. I joined the group today as I finally began the process of laying down firm boundaries with her as I realized not doing anything was only pacifying her and enabling her abhorrent and unhealthy behavior. In reading your message here, I thought you were describing my mother! It's sad to read, but also makes me feel like I'm not alone, and just imagining this nightmare I've lived with all my life. In dealing with my ex-wife, what I can share with you is what I am again doing now, and that is laying down and UPHOLDING unwaveringly FIRM boundaries. You have to. This is the most important thing, and the most important advice I can give from experience. I think about your aptly described " Queen " state, because it is challanenging to uphold them when they are in this state. We may become lax and fall into a false trap of complacency. I have to remind myself constantly that even this state is not real, that I'm not being viewed objectively by my mother, not really. I'm a Tibetan Buddhist monk. We are taught to cultivate equanimity. This is equipoise, being stable and unwavering regardless of what is going on around us. In this case, dealing with BDP, it is being firmly grounded despite the BDP's best efforts to constantly keep us off-guard and off-balance. And as you try to implement and uphold said boundaries, the BDP WILL try EVERY trick up their arsenal when the last one didn't work to get any response from you. And if they succeed, they will only use said response against you. I speak very much from experience here. The levels of manipulation and tactics are unreal, as I'm sure you've experienced up to now. My heart goes out to you. Also in Tibetan culture, no response IS a response. I say that because there is no need to engage a response to what they may fling at you. As a sister nun once told me, it's not that the crap hits the fan, the crap IS the fan. I'm grateful for this support group, the good it serves for non's suffering with others with BDP. However, it's a club I wish I didn't have to renew membership for. But I know no one wants to belong to it in the first place. > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 This is excellent advice! Welcome! I was right around your age when I started knowing something was up with my nada too. Has taken me much longer to get here though - about 12 years! I think my dad (amazing man) took the brunt of my nada's bullying, etc., but he died about 6 months ago and things have turned some and I see much more and come here a few times a week to share, reflect and contribute. > > > ** > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's > > posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on > > it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has > > Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he > > raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had > > alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has > > started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering > > machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been > > diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the > > pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a > > therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to > > " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just > > want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am > > worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of > > harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. > > But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and > > although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Another good book to help you heal and move forward, set boundries and sort out who you are is by Dr. Black it is called " Changing Course - recovering from fear and abandonment " . That and a counselor really helped me as well as the other books mentioned specifically for BP. > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hi Annie, Boy I can feel you pain. I think I can relate to what you share here. I didn't see any of the manipulation, just tried to be a " good " kid and make my parents proud and thought they were so wise and right all the time. But got confused as I grew older that being the good kid didn't always make life a good as I thought it would - I think I got lost in making them happy for a while and didn't know who I was. I was 30, married and with 2 kids when I started to grow away from them and I felt guilty. I always felt like a late bloomer emotionally - didn't get why so many of my friends couldn't stand their parents. I was the middle child and my older sibling was really rebellious ( now I know why - she got the brunt of it I think)and it was important to me to be good and studious and involved in school and a model kid. Then I began to grow beyond my " role " and became independent and strong (had to with a husband, house and children and attending night school)and I remember now my nada seemed to feel unneeded. Anyway...when your parents moved, what happened to you? > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 I wonder how much drug abuse is related to BP? I had mentioned on an earlier post that my older sibling was very rebellious and now I think it is because she got the brunt of my nada's controlling. She basically left the family for 30 years and lived a very self destructive addictive lifestyle. I used to blame her for damaging our family, but now with my new realizations I feel very differently. We are so very different - funny thing is she used to be the " bad one " but is now totally connected to nada, lives 3 miles from her and now that dad is gone, spends time with her daily to help her out, and I who was once on the " good list " is the outcast, along with my husband. My personal growth and changing how I interact and setting my own boundries has gotten me " punished " and on the outs. My two siblings are pretty emeshed with nada now, even though they are very different. My other sibling has a lot of NP characteristics and has to be the center of attention and spends a ton of time with nada and buys her a lot of " stuff " and takes her out, etc. I visit about once a week, help her get chores done and spend time with her in a more homey sense. Weird and kind of ironic that I am the odd man out now and I am guessing probably the emotionally healthiest of the three at this point.I get along way better with nada when it is just she and I. Not always great,but way better than if other siblings or all the family are around. Not sure if we'll ever be on the same page about nada. Hard to imagine at this point. The only ones I am open about this with (other than here) is my husband and kids. > > > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hi , I pretty much became a workaholic. I had been traumatized by nada into being pretty much asexual, so when she and dad moved away and I had no social life at all, I just worked all the time. That helped me a lot in my career, but not so much in having a well-rounded life. But now that I am nearing retirement age and have become more aware of what personality disorders are, and have gone virtually No Contact with my nada (bpd mom), I am happier and more socially active than I ever was as a younger person. -Annie > > > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 My Tibetan Buddhist monk, you are here because you belong here. It sounds to me like you are struggling against acceptance. You are always welcome here. This is a good place to be. Embrace it! > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's > posts. > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read > up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode > and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely > co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only > child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always > just the 3 of us. > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and > has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my > answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be > deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes > anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont > discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how > to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I > just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a > daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. > This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed > me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still > afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Anne, Interesting that so many of us come to this realization at middle age. I asked my therapist once if the majority of her clients were around 40-50 and she said it was rather common, but that some would never seek counsel because they don't see the need to change. I had to go talk it out with someone who was objective and a professional (I did resist this process for several years as I felt I should be able to do it myself) as I literally felt I had a stone on my chest from the anxiety about my relationship with my nada and the rest of the family of origin. I am trying to maintain some contact - but it is a process, and the rest of my family I know thinks it's weird that I have changed, and now have set clear boundries. I was always such an accomodator, but it was killing me. I am very happy for you that you feel better now and have a more rounded social life. Friends are important. Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > Hi I just joined today and it has been interesting reading everyone's posts. > > > > > > > > > > I came to realize my Nada had BPD about a year or 2 ago. Once I read up on it, it was a no-brainer. She is constantly is Queen/Witch mode and also has Hermit, i.e. is extremely fearful. My Dad is completely co-dependent and he raised me to never ever rock the boat. I am an only child and she had alienated most of my other relatives so it was always just the 3 of us. > > > > > > > > > > Recently my Nada has become very angry at me over something small and has started sending me nasty hateful emails and leaving messages on my answering machine. I am 40 and she is 66. She seems to be deteriorating. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and takes anti-depressants but only sees the pyschiatrist to get re-fills and wont discuss her issues with him or see a therapist. > > > > > > > > > > I am really struggling with detaching. I have grown into learning how to " manage " her, but she exhausts me and I'm tired of playing games. I just want to lead a normal life! Like I said, I'm 40! I have a daughter and am worried about how my Nada will end up treating her. This barage of harrassment and meaness in the past few weeks has pushed me over the edge. But like some other people I've seen here, I'm still afraid of her and although I know she's ill, her words hurt me. > > > > > > > > > > Any advice for a newbie on this journey? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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