Where to go from here?

[Guest guest]

I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

[Guest guest]

Ya, I will totally chime in here. I have said that I divorced my mother, but it

was really the other way around. I changed in therapy. I learned how to have

boundaries and my BP mother interpreted this change in me as something bad. She

will tell you that it was me that abandoned her and that may be somewhat true.

However, my distancing was a reaction to her behavior to me when I changed.

Looking back, my mother was scared of something. She saw the changes in me and

she saw that our relationship was changing in kind. One of the things that

changed was my level of self disclosure. I used to feel like I had to tell

everyone everything about my life, whether they wanted to know or not. One

therapist called it " turbo vomit mode. " Well, this " turbo Vomit Mode " was a big

part of my relationship with my mother. When I started toning down the vomit

sharing, my mother interpreted it as something bad. Maybe she thought I didn't

love her anymore.

Basically, I started being me in therapy, for the first time ever, and this was

scary for my mother for some reason. The more I became me the more my mother

got upset. What killed the relationship was not so much me ending it; it was my

mother sabotaging the relationship. I just kept adjusting the relationship so

that I could be me and she kept sabotaging. Finally there was nothing else for

my mother to sabotage, because there was nothing left.

I did not want to divorce my mother. I think it was more the other way around;

she divorced me when I changed, she just made me do what she couldn't, via

sabotage. This seems to be the BP way.

Had I to do it over again, I might try doing things a little different.

However, we can only do the best we can with what we have to work with at the

moment. The sabotage happened so fast in my situation. I just needed to be me

and I couldn't figure out how to be me and be in a relationship with my mother

at the same time!

>

> I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

>

[Guest guest]

Chloe,

I'm so sorry about your father's death; no matter how close or not we are/were

to our parents, it's still incredibly painful when they die.

Welcome to the group, btw. I hope you find validation here and understanding.

I've been here a few years now and am always grateful that there is a group of

people who " get it, " to whom I don't have to explain my situation with my

mother.

Best wishes,

Fiona

>

> I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome! So sorry to hear about your dad--what a shock. From your post it sounds

like you and Sis and really been put through the wringer. It also sounds like

you and your sister have been there for each other. That alone helps so much in

this type of situation.

One thing that stuck out for me was your concern for your son having such

limited grandparents. My father's parents lived 2000 miles away. On mother's

side, her father had gone AWOL from the family before I was born and my mother's

mom (Nana) was a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My mom is BPD, my dad the

dishrag.

Nana was a horrible person and a critical, fear inspiring, & devaluing. She

didn't do grandmother things. She believed children should be seen and not

heard. She always would go out of her way to talk up my cousins to me, implying

that my accomplishments were never good enough. I found out later she treated us

all that way--believing we'd get a swelled head if she ever should approval or

pride to us.

With my out of town grandparents, I rarely saw them. My grandmother was

wonderful, but it was bittersweet because I knew I could only bask in her

unconditional love for a brief visit. I am a better person today for those few

moments in time.

But my Nana and her personality disorder confused me, hurt me, and I was

probably in my 40's before I figured out it wasn't ME alone she detested.

Only you can know what your son is bound to encounter. If you decide to share

him with your mother, be prepared to have some honest conversations with him

about your mother's condition. He'll need you to 'debrief' him after painful

sessions with her, so he doesn't start becoming a codependent.

I went no contact with my mom from the time my kids were 2 & 3 for about 10

years. Yet, my son still wonders why his grandma hates him and my daughter does

a fine job agreeing with her grandma like a true codependent. If I had known

then what I know now, I would have moved far away so they wouldn't have had so

much contact with them, especially as infants.

Good luck, however you decide. These things are always painful.

>

> I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing your insight, I think that is a really new way of looking at

the whole thing for me. I always felt it wasn't OK to be me around my nada,

either.

You articulated this dilemma for me very well.

-Annie

> >

> > I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Chloe - I brought down an " iron curtain " to protect my son from my crazy BPD

mother, many years ago. He saw her (under my STRICT supervision, and for only

short periods of time) very few times over the years, and as he got older, we

were able to have frank conversations about her behavior. He is now a grown

young adult, and I can tell you he doesn't miss her a bit. He had other

grandparents (one good one, one with her own mental issues), but - here's my

real point - he had contact with other, older people who acted like good

grandparents (or aunts and uncles) would act. In his case, they were

Scoutmasters and other parents in his troop - but they could have been cousins,

neighbors, coaches, team members' parents, teachers - anybody. They filled the

huge gap caused by our decision to limit contact with my Nada and my husband's

(extremely dysfunctional) brother & family. I think the contact and consistency

is what counts. A kid needs to know that, " there are people who are interested

in me, they care about who I am and what I'm doing, and they're willing to make

time for me. They're proud of me when I do what's right, and will take me to

task when I do what's wrong. " It's sad that your son has to grow up without

caring grandparents, but it's not insurmountable. You can find other people to

fill that role. It truly does take a village to raise a child, and the

wonderful thing is that you get to choose who your villagers are.

> >

> > I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You got me thinking....

When I turned 40 (12 years ago) it was like a switch got flipped and I stopped

wanting to make everything okay for everyone but me and I did. I saw a therapist

5 times,read " Changing Course " by Dr. Black and started to grow. I knew

nothing about BP, I just knew that my old patterns and ways of interacting with

my family of origin no longer worked for me. Being the middle child I was always

just trying to make things okay and suddenly I rebelled. Well my mom ( have

since decided she is BP) " punished " me for changing. I relate to what

wrote about his nada sabotaging him. My mom just kept getting angry with me and

pushing me and basically punishing me.

I had a heart to heart with her (again -before I knew anything about BP- really

had not clue) about how I was feeling and the witch came out! I was in shock for

about a week. That was the beginning of the real change in our relationship for

me. It has been a slow decent since then, but it really changed that day. Since

my dad died 8 months ago things have changed even more.

One thing I can share that might help others here is that my therapist told me

(we never even identified nada as having BP) that when we are with our family of

origin ( and we have set boundries as to when and for how long ) and they are

very rigid and controlling , you can be your authentic self until it hurts too

much, then it is okay to " play the part " that they feel comfortable with you

being. It is like a line we are walking and to expect to always been wiped out

after spending time with them. I am not sure who is more taxing for me, my nada

or my sister who is definately NP and has to run everything, and be the center

of attention. My nada is way worse to me when my sister is around. I just try

and be my authentic self as much as I can , but play " the game " just enough to

make being with them possible. But it is getting harder and harder. I feel

rather confused sometimes when I am with them and after, and am struggling to

find the meaning. Mostly it is because of love, my nieces and nephews and my

kids, and knowing it is what my dad would want me to do. Also to show my own

kids that we can love people, but take care of ourselves too - even when the

ones we love aren't always so easy to be around. Setting boundries is so

important and I feel so empowered to be setting my own boundries now and am

excited that my kids get to see me doing it and we talk about it.

Sorry so long!

> > >

> > > I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is my first posting too. I am looking for people to understand, because

everyone that knows by BPD mother are so used to her ways that they would never

be able to conceptualize " unintended " hurtful ways. I have a newborn daughter

and my mother is incapable of dealing with the fact that my attention is turned

from her and onto my daughter. I even sent her a picture of my daughter in a

text and she replies with " who is this. " She pretends she does not recognize her

even though it was only a week since she's seen her. I tried to express my

feelings to her...but she called it " jumping all over her. " This was my attempt

to be thoughtful and I end up hurt. So I to need to learn how to be unaffected

by her actions and words. It is hard for me because I just now recognized her

BPD traits since having a newborn and was previously enmeshed with her. Cutting

her out of my life is not an option, but living with her careless unintentional

hurtful ways which she always has an excuse for is internally painful.

Chloe..treasure that your sister understands your pain. I am sorry to hear about

your father...grief is always a painful process. I am thinking having some

relationship with your mother is best for you son if you can find the right

balance, boundaries and thick skin. Any tips on developing a thick skin with

someone you love?

>

> I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have long

suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness, most likely

BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships with my mother, hers

more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking to my father, who divorced

my mother when I was about 6. I made that decision I guess towards the end of

high school. To be honest, I really don't have many memories. Anyways, the last

time I saw my father was at my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week

later for a short and strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I

would usually just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings

chaos to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted somewhat

cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused my sister and

myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always lumps my sister (who

did have a relationship with my father) and me together. So I haven't spoken

with my mom since then. It's actually been kind of a relief to just not deal

with her actions, words, and manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just

divorce her. I have a young son who already did not know his grandfather. He

does know his grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from

him, especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other mental

disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by her lashing out

and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through something like this?? I

have started therapy to deal with my father's death and all the implications. Of

course, it's no surprise that I detach emotionally from situations and

compartmentalize. I don't know what I expect from this group, just hoping that I

may be able to get some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

>

[Guest guest]

Where you go from here, is healing.

All that you lived through with a BP mom? Not your fault.

All the impossible, unreachable needs and demands of your mom? Not your

job.

Her rages, her actions which make you want to protect your kid, and

yourself, from her? Not your problem.

You get to do the healthy thing. You get to do the thing that lets you

find joy.

And you get to do it without FOG, without guilt, shame, or wearing a

Scarlet B for Bad Daughter.

You do. Really. As do we all. And Us KO s give you permission.

Welcome.

Doug

>

> I don't really know what I am looking for here. My sister and I have

long suspected that my mother (age 67) suffers from a mental illness,

most likely BPD. My sister and I both have had strained relationships

with my mother, hers more so than mine because I choose to stop speaking

to my father, who divorced my mother when I was about 6. I made that

decision I guess towards the end of high school. To be honest, I really

don't have many memories. Anyways, the last time I saw my father was at

my wedding, in April 2003. He caled about a week later for a short and

strained conversation. We didn't leave on bad terms. I would usually

just chalk it up to " I don't talk to my father because he brings chaos

to my life " . Well, in June, he committed suicide. My mother acted

somewhat cordial for a day or two, then totally flipped out and accused

my sister and myself of " choosing " my father's wife over her. She always

lumps my sister (who did have a relationship with my father) and me

together. So I haven't spoken with my mom since then. It's actually been

kind of a relief to just not deal with her actions, words, and

manipulations. Here's my problem. I hate to just divorce her. I have a

young son who already did not know his grandfather. He does know his

grandmother and I dread the questions that are sure to come from him,

especially if we don't end up making up. On the flip side, I know that

since she obviously has displayed several BPD traits and traits of other

mental disorders, making up just means I have to remain unaffected by

her lashing out and ignore her actions/words. Anyone else gone through

something like this?? I have started therapy to deal with my father's

death and all the implications. Of course, it's no surprise that I

detach emotionally from situations and compartmentalize. I don't know

what I expect from this group, just hoping that I may be able to get

some insight from someone who has faced something similar.

>