Guest guest Posted March 8, 2003 Report Share Posted March 8, 2003 Missy, Hi! I'm Aradia. I live in Massachusetts ( about $1.89/gal of gas for all those curious) about 50 miles south of Boston. I've been married to Gregg for 4 years this May and mom to Brittney, 5, also known as Brittney the Destructor, diagnosed with PDD in March 2000. My other four " kids " (in addition to these 2...and Gregg will be the first to admit he's one of the kids) are 2 ragdolls named Susie and Gracie and 2 others, Zeus (a shorthair w/ tiger stripes) and Hercules (also shorthair , black and white), both offspring of the coven mascot. Now how does Brittney the Destructor do with 4 cats?? The girls (Susie and Gracie) don't get a second glance, but she LOVES the boys, especially Hercules. She chases him all over the house...just to play with the tip of his tail. Wierd. Anywho, now that I'm done babbling, welcome to the list. I'm sure you've heard that this is a great bunch of people. You'll love it here, I know I do! ~Blessed Be, Aradia, Wife to Gregg, Mom to Brittney, 5, PDD, and writer of all trades~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so courageously shared your stories. I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally from everything that happened. Recently, I’ve fallen into a depression that I just can’t seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know that’s not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can work with me so that I can move on with my life. I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very alone. Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 Welcome! You've just described a good portion of what I have felt over the past 2 years. You are NOT alone. At first I was elated to finally put a name to my mother's puzzling and hurtful actions. Then the more I read, while validating me that it has never been 'my fault' as her daughter, I also had to face the death of my dream. My mother will never get better. She will never be the mother I needed. She is incapable of unconditional love. I can't trust her, not to be there for me or that what she says is true. That when I need care or advice, she will go out of her way to deny me to feed herself emotionally. She will give me poor advice so I never have better than she has. It's grief, and it hits us hard. The person whose input formed our first steps in life is not 'real'-- it makes us doubt who we are. So while we are trying to get a grasp on this new shift in our identity, we also have to accept the loss of our parent. I feel deflated at times, defeated, broken. There were times in my life that I was nada's right hand man. I felt like I was doing a community service--I was supporting my mother and smoothing things between her and the family. It made me feel valuable, and important. It was enmeshment; she exploited my need for approval to use me as her trained monkey. That was part of my identity I lost too. This is not an easy process. I get up every day even when I don't feel like it. It hurts, it sucks. But if I just slip unconscious with no purpose in life, then she will have ruined my life too, instead of just her own. I'll be damned if she's going to take that from me too. Hang in there~ > > > > for right now, I just > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > alone. > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2012 Report Share Posted April 5, 2012 Thanks for sharing your story. It's a real struggle to deal with feelings of depression. I also feel like I'm grieving for someone who died before I even met them, a normal version of my Nada. It helps to not underestimate the magnitude of what you are going through, and give yourself time to heal. Lately i've been trying to imagine how I would try to help a friend who was going through the same thing - I'd probably take them for tea or coffee, try to comfort them, let them rest, try and take care of them. And now I'm trying to treat myself as gently and considerately. > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > alone. > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 It is not worthy to feel that way! As frustrating my MIL is I do not let her affect me anymore. She always insulted me after helping her for days or listening to her problems for hours on the phone ( 3 or 4 hours on the phone ). Because she did not get a reaction from me, she changed tactics and now she doesn't call me and calls my husband with lies. What I am trying to say is people with BPD have no limits, they will try to bring you down in their emotional roller coaster at any price. They are miserable so they want you miserable. I noticed that these people have no goals, no dreams in life, all they want is people at their feet serving them while they treat them like crap. My husband does not believe me when I tell him the things she says ( I do not tell him what she says about me, I tried telling him how she does not want to take care of her mentally ill daughter, diagnosed with BDP, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and has a transplant ). She then said my father in law treats the girl like his wife and it is taking all my mother in law's money away from her to give it to his daughter. My husband and I were right there as she was saying these things to her husband and my husband does not see she has mental issues, he says she is just tired of her daughter. Seriously? She is jealous of her daughter getting attention and no one has the balls to confront her. It is disgusting. They probably think it is normal. You are not alone, we are all here to let out this crap, but also to listen to each other when the ones that should do not. BPDs are highly manipulative and they always get away with it. These people want the world to be their servant, do not give them any attention. My normal sister in law, does not talk to my MIL anymore. I do not blame her and she does not have to deal with her anymore. She told her that she would talk to her again if they go to therapy together, she thinks my BPD sister in law has mental issues because of my MIL. It works for her to not talk to her mother anymore. Be strong, this is how she wants to see you! Do not let her dictate how you feel, take charge of your feelings! We are here for each other, to listen and support each other! > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > alone. > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 You must look at them as wounded people with a heightened emotional awareness. Their injuries to us are not usually intentional. They do not see their illness, and they do not see that they wound us. Without seeing that, we are as guilty of not being empathic as we accuse them of! We must be patient, or not engage. That is all! Bill Re: Intro It is not worthy to feel that way! As frustrating my MIL is I do not let her affect me anymore. She always insulted me after helping her for days or listening to her problems for hours on the phone ( 3 or 4 hours on the phone ). Because she did not get a reaction from me, she changed tactics and now she doesn't call me and calls my husband with lies. What I am trying to say is people with BPD have no limits, they will try to bring you down in their emotional roller coaster at any price. They are miserable so they want you miserable. I noticed that these people have no goals, no dreams in life, all they want is people at their feet serving them while they treat them like crap. My husband does not believe me when I tell him the things she says ( I do not tell him what she says about me, I tried telling him how she does not want to take care of her mentally ill daughter, diagnosed with BDP, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and has a transplant ). She then said my father in law treats the girl like his wife and it is taking all my mother in law's money away from her to give it to his daughter. My husband and I were right there as she was saying these things to her husband and my husband does not see she has mental issues, he says she is just tired of her daughter. Seriously? She is jealous of her daughter getting attention and no one has the balls to confront her. It is disgusting. They probably think it is normal. You are not alone, we are all here to let out this crap, but also to listen to each other when the ones that should do not. BPDs are highly manipulative and they always get away with it. These people want the world to be their servant, do not give them any attention. My normal sister in law, does not talk to my MIL anymore. I do not blame her and she does not have to deal with her anymore. She told her that she would talk to her again if they go to therapy together, she thinks my BPD sister in law has mental issues because of my MIL. It works for her to not talk to her mother anymore. Be strong, this is how she wants to see you! Do not let her dictate how you feel, take charge of your feelings! We are here for each other, to listen and support each other! > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > alone. > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 Hello Bill, I'm sorry, but I find the " you must " statements in your post unempathetic, dictatorial and judgmental. That's not what this Group is about. This is a place for the adult children of personality disordered parents to feel safe in sharing the damage that was done to us in childhood, and getting helpful feedback RE the stress and frustration we are experiencing now, or trying to recover from, in our attempts to negotiate a more workable or tolerable relationship with a disordered parent or to disengage from a dangerously abusive pd parent for the sake of our own mental health and safety. I believe that you stated in an earlier post that you are in a chosen relationship, or were in a chosen relationship with a woman with bpd. There is a HUGE difference of experience and effect between a chosen relationship between two consenting adults of relatively equal power, and the unchosen parent/child relationship where there is a massive power differential. There is no parallel to the parent/child relationship RE the level of power and influence a parent has over their child, even into adulthood. This support group is about giving emotional support and validation to fellow adult kids of bpd parents and to share your personal experiences and personal insights as the adult child of a bpd parent, RE your bpd parents or other foo (family of origin) members, or inlays. This support Group is not about passing judgements with " should " or " ought to " statements, as though your opinion is the only valid one. My suggestion: you would probably get more benefit from posting at one of the support groups at WTO for those in chosen relationships. There are also WTO support groups specifically for other unchosen relationships, such as those who are the grandparents of a grandchild with bpd, and those who are parents of a child (of any age) with bpd. -Annie > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I apologize for the implied lack of empathy. I am in both groups. I am there because my mother was BPD, and every relationship I have been in since has been. I am also coming from a therapeutic viewpoint. I only recognize that even with my mother, I can hold resentments, or realize that she is wounded and incapable of giving me what I so desperately wanted thoughout life. I cannot hold that against her, but set boundaries to protect myself from any further damage she can cause me. Maybe the word " must " is too strong, but I know that for me, to look at this population in any other way, allows for me to lack empathy. I am deeply wounded by my mother's disorder, and as a result funtion in a broken way too. It is from this standpoint that I say, I (rather that you) must look this way. Again, I apologize for any appearance of judgement, or lack of empathy. Bill Re: Intro Hello Bill, I'm sorry, but I find the " you must " statements in your post unempathetic, dictatorial and judgmental. That's not what this Group is about. This is a place for the adult children of personality disordered parents to feel safe in sharing the damage that was done to us in childhood, and getting helpful feedback RE the stress and frustration we are experiencing now, or trying to recover from, in our attempts to negotiate a more workable or tolerable relationship with a disordered parent or to disengage from a dangerously abusive pd parent for the sake of our own mental health and safety. I believe that you stated in an earlier post that you are in a chosen relationship, or were in a chosen relationship with a woman with bpd. There is a HUGE difference of experience and effect between a chosen relationship between two consenting adults of relatively equal power, and the unchosen parent/child relationship where there is a massive power differential. There is no parallel to the parent/child relationship RE the level of power and influence a parent has over their child, even into adulthood. This support group is about giving emotional support and validation to fellow adult kids of bpd parents and to share your personal experiences and personal insights as the adult child of a bpd parent, RE your bpd parents or other foo (family of origin) members, or inlays. This support Group is not about passing judgements with " should " or " ought to " statements, as though your opinion is the only valid one. My suggestion: you would probably get more benefit from posting at one of the support groups at WTO for those in chosen relationships. There are also WTO support groups specifically for other unchosen relationships, such as those who are the grandparents of a grandchild with bpd, and those who are parents of a child (of any age) with bpd. -Annie > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 Hi Bill, That was a noble apology, thank you. Its true: the " country " of personality disordered parents is populated by wounded souls on both sides of the equation, and that is is a tragedy. Truly, there just isn't any one " best " way or " right " way to handle having a mentally ill, abusive parent in your life, its about finding what works best for you and at least trying to be as empathetic as possible, whether the solution that works best for an individual happens to be Low Contact with firm boundaries and consequences, or detaching completely and going No Contact. Or just letting things go, if that works best for you (well, unless active abuse or neglect of a minor child is occurring, I guess.) Its just sad, any way you look at it, and we KOs are attempting to find solutions and attempting to manage, and trying to find peace and healing as best we can. -Annie > > > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I agree with you and I was very patient and tried to help her. My problem is that her lies and actions have no limits. I never mentioned, other than what my husband heard, what my MIL calls me, I can deal with that by myself and I do not let it affect me because I know she has a problem. I am worried that my husband and his father do not see she has a serious mental problem. She is destroying a whole family, I know she has a problem, but I can not believe the " normal ones " are not doing anything about it and let her keep doing this. The ones that know she has problem, avoid her and not talk to her anymore, it is the only thing left to do. My MIL needs to take center stage lying with serious accusations. Those things I am worried about. > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 My (whatever she is)'s mother is also severe BPD. Both her sister and brother do not see it. Her sister defends her mother at all costs, and it frustrates the Hell out of her. I think now even more since she sees that she is. I told her that the best way to maintain a good working relationship with both of them is to let it go. It is different in your case, because the influence is affecting your relationship. I think that using some basic CBT skills might help. In CBT, we look at how we think influences how we feel, and that motivates how we act. If I confront the lies, confirm the truths, change happens. So, rather than label the disorder, I confirm what truths are available in each situation, and make them evident. Hopefully, that can expose the lies for what they are, and maybe your husband and his father will see? I don't know, because this is a hard one. Bill Re: Intro I agree with you and I was very patient and tried to help her. My problem is that her lies and actions have no limits. I never mentioned, other than what my husband heard, what my MIL calls me, I can deal with that by myself and I do not let it affect me because I know she has a problem. I am worried that my husband and his father do not see she has a serious mental problem. She is destroying a whole family, I know she has a problem, but I can not believe the " normal ones " are not doing anything about it and let her keep doing this. The ones that know she has problem, avoid her and not talk to her anymore, it is the only thing left to do. My MIL needs to take center stage lying with serious accusations. Those things I am worried about. > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I think people deal with this or anything in life the best way they can. It does not work for me and probably my MIL's problem is a little different from Bill's mom. I do though, know she has a problem and it is easier ( not so much ) to not talk to her ever again compared to a son or a daughter. Even though I am not going to ignore her, just her BPD actions. How my husband deals with it, IDK, probably he is used to it, he grew up with it and says she will grow out of this phase. It happens every once in a while. Each kid deals with it differently and tries to survive the best way they can. > > > > > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 Its really difficult if not impossible to confront a person with bpd who is lying, because they will simply deny it. What you'll get as a response is: " I never said that " or " I didn't mean that " or " You are lying, not me. " My bpd mother ( " nada " ) would say of herself, " I never said that " immediately after saying something horrifically hurtful and untrue. For me it was like trying to have a rational conversation with one of the characters in Alice in Wonderland, where nothing is logical or rational. Unfortunately irrationality is often present with those with bpd; the more emotionally charged they are, the less likely it is that you can have a rational, reasonable exchange. That's why I often recommend saying " I can hear that you are upset. We can talk again later after you've calmed down. " -Annie > > > > > > Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to extend a warm, heart-felt thanks > > > to everyone who has posted advice, validation, comfort, and words of > > > encouragement. Your words have always uplifted me and helped me feel like > > > there are people out there who understand what I'm going through. I'd also > > > like to extend a big hug and warm thanks to those of you have so > > > courageously shared your stories. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I joined this group a few months ago after going through yet another one of > > > my nada's rages. I've always known that my nada was...different. But, b/c > > > my family always made excuses for her behavior and/or refused to intervene > > > when she was being blatantly abusive (physically and/or emotionally), I > > > somehow learned to overlook her reckless, irresponsible, and hurtful > > > actions. I also didn't realize at the time that it was mental illness. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My most recent episode with my nada completely re-traumatized me, and tho > > > it's been almost a year of going NC with her, I'm still reeling emotionally > > > from everything that happened. Recently, I've fallen into a depression that > > > I just can't seem to pull myself out of. I sleep all the time and have > > > taken to not leaving my house for any reason for days at a time. I know > > > that's not normal or healthy, so I am trying to find a therapist that can > > > work with me so that I can move on with my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I do want to share my story regarding my nada, but for right now, I just > > > want to say that I'm struggling with feeling angry, hurt, depressed, > > > abandoned (by family members who deny that my nada is mentally ill and > > > abusive), and feeling overwhelmingly lonely. I'm also struggling with > > > feeling broken. I think before I figured out that nada's behaviour was due > > > to BPD, I always held out hope that our relationship could and would get > > > better. But now that I know it won't, I just feel lost, damaged, and very > > > alone. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for listening (or reading, rather.) > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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