Re: Telling Nada she's sick: those who've done it advice please!

[Guest guest]

Its kind of a moot point now, but, I would have suggested that you not tell your

mother that she has bpd, mainly because its likely to make things worse between

you.

If your mother does have a full-blown Cluster B disorder(s) (and only a

psychiatrist can give a proper diagnosis), then its not likely that she will

ever seek therapy or accept that she has a personality disorder, even if she

does get formally diagnosed. One of the defining characteristics of personality

disorder is that those with pds either can't or won't take personal

responsibility for their own behaviors, words, feelings or thoughts. For the

person with a pd, all their problems originate outside their own self and are

therefor out of their control; in other words, YOU are the problem. The person

with a pd feels entirely justified and entitled to behave and think and speak

the way they do: after all there is nothing wrong with them (to their way of

thinking) so why should they change themselves or seek therapy?

What seems to work better more of the time is to decide for yourself which

behaviors of your bpd parent's that you are not going to allow or tolerate any

longer, establish boundaries RE those behaviors, state your boundary when your

bpd mom crosses the line, and then enforce consequences for line-crossing or

boundary violations.

Example:

Bpd mom: Why won't you let me babysit for my granddaughter?

You: I'm sorry mom but the last time I let you watch my child she had nightmares

for days afterward and she said you slapped her and screamed at her. So, from

now on you can visit with her when I'm with you, but not by yourself.

Bpd mom: (sobbing or yelling: I can't believe this, you are being so mean to

me, why won't you let me see my grandchild?

You: You can see her, mom, when I'm with her. We'll come by for a visit

sometime next month.

Bpd mom: (sobbing or yelling) You are so mean and hateful, why won't you let me

babysit for my own granddaughter, etc.

You: I have already answered that question, mom. I can hear that you are upset

now, so we can talk again later when you are calmer....

So, its more about you calmly and gently but firmly taking control of the

relationship and " running the show " now, or " managing " your bpd mom by deciding

what you will and will not tolerate, it just doesn't work, usually, to tell a

bpd mom something as devastating as " you are mentally ill " in the expectation

that she will be able to understand it, accept it, and make her desire to change

her behaviors; instead she is more likely to process that information from you

as an attack on her. Unfortunately it tends to make things worse, not better.

Usually.

-Annie

>

> I'm telling my nada that there's something wrong with her, which is something

no one has ever really done before. (We've told her she has a temper and

perhaps should do something about it, but she flipped out so badly no one has

tried again). This time we absolutely have to, because I have a child and we

need to explain why she can't babysit.

> We're doing it tomorrow, as gently and briefly as we can, though of course she

won't see it that way. I anticipate screaming and denials and accusations and

guilt and rage, etc, and then no contact for I don't know how long as she

refuses to speak with us.

> Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your experience.

Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did it result in

no contact? We're happy with either option, really...and to the outside world

that makes me seem like a terrible daughter, but those of you here understand,

right?

>

[Guest guest]

I'm very interested to follow this experience as it unfolds! I would

like to tell mine the same. She knows something is going on with her,

but doesn't see the whole picture. Even though, I can't imagine how

she would accept the news.

Please keep us posted! Thanks--

[Guest guest]

I think that because of the very nature of the disorder the reality that the

nada is the one who is sick will most likely never penetrate that barrier. It's

just been my experience. But, you're doing the right thing protecting your

child.

B

>

> I'm telling my nada that there's something wrong with her, which is something

no one has ever really done before. (We've told her she has a temper and

perhaps should do something about it, but she flipped out so badly no one has

tried again). This time we absolutely have to, because I have a child and we

need to explain why she can't babysit.

> We're doing it tomorrow, as gently and briefly as we can, though of course she

won't see it that way. I anticipate screaming and denials and accusations and

guilt and rage, etc, and then no contact for I don't know how long as she

refuses to speak with us.

> Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your experience.

Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did it result in

no contact? We're happy with either option, really...and to the outside world

that makes me seem like a terrible daughter, but those of you here understand,

right?

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad for you Muchkin that it went well. My experience that comes the

closest to this involved confronting a FOO member with her inappropriate anger.

She admitted she had a problem but over time has not changed. I've confronted

her many times and have come to decide that either she is unable to be aware of

her behavior to make any change when it happens OR she is actually unwilling to

change. Either way all the discussions haven't had the lasting effect that I'd

hoped. I hope that your mother will at least accept your boundaries because

you've got to protect your child first and foremost.

Eliza

>

> Weirdly, it went really really well! She of course denied there was a problem

but accepted that we wanted to continue with supervised visits and that it was

our choice not to have her babysit. Really, really weird...but so good!

> Possibly it's because it's not the first approach to dealing with her

behaviours - we've been setting up boundaries for years now, on a range of

behaviours, and since our baby was born we've been really firm with everything

regarding him. Possibly she knew there was no point disagreeing.

> We are still astounded and in shock at how smoothly it all went. Wondering

when the phone calls will start...

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I totally agree with your thoughts here. I told my nada I thought she had BPD

and it resulted in her totally walking away from me which certainly did nothing

to make things better between us. My reason for sharing my thoughts with my nada

though were not to try and get her to change. It was more to let her know that

finally, after all these years, I had her number and knew she was the broken one

not me. Even if she didn't believe me. Even if she never changed. I didn't want

to try and enforce my boundaries in order to have a relationship with her

because I felt like I had been trying to do that for years and my boundaries

(and those of my children and husband) were constantly being trounced on by my

nada. I was tired of all the drama and frankly just wanted to escape. I kinda

knew in the back of my mind that if I told her what I thought was wrong with

her, that she would leave me alone forever and that seems to be what has

happened. I am finding peace in this new place and am actually glad that things

have turned out the way they have.

> >

> > I'm telling my nada that there's something wrong with her, which is

something no one has ever really done before. (We've told her she has a temper

and perhaps should do something about it, but she flipped out so badly no one

has tried again). This time we absolutely have to, because I have a child and

we need to explain why she can't babysit.

> > We're doing it tomorrow, as gently and briefly as we can, though of course

she won't see it that way. I anticipate screaming and denials and accusations

and guilt and rage, etc, and then no contact for I don't know how long as she

refuses to speak with us.

> > Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your

experience. Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did

it result in no contact? We're happy with either option, really...and to the

outside world that makes me seem like a terrible daughter, but those of you here

understand, right?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Darcy,

That is a good and valid point you made, in my opinion; and its similar to what

went down in my own situation with my bpd/npd/ocpd mom aka " nada " .

In my case: nada hurled a particularly scathing, untrue accusation at Sister,

Sister's son, and me. We all went No Contact with nada, and gave nada an

ultimatum: if you want us to resume contact with you, go into therapy. Nada did

go into therapy (!!) off and on. Sister resumed some contact, I remained in No

Contact. (I think my nephew also resumed limited contact; he lives in another

country, though.)

At one point nada relayed to me that she wanted me to write her a letter

detailing all the bad things I believed she had done to me over the years so she

would understand why I remained in No Contact with her. After much consultation

at this Group and with others, I decided not to do that; instead I just wrote a

very, very brief letter saying that I felt it was better for her to work on her

own memories with her therapist, not my memories; I wished her well in therapy,

and said that maybe in the future we could resume contact.

About 6 months into therapy nada seemed to undergo a miraculous " cure " and began

treating Sister much better. Sister increased contact with nada; I remained

skeptical and did not resume contact. After only a few weeks of nice behavior,

Nada had a total melt-down screaming rage-tantrum at Sister in which nada

shrieked that she didn't need therapy, there was nothing wrong with her, she had

always been the perfect mother to us, that we were the hateful, vicious, insane

ones and we had been lying about her, that she only went into therapy because we

forced her to and because she wanted to find out how to " deal " with us.

Although my Sister chose to remain in limited contact with our nada in order to

care for her physical needs out of the goodness of her heart/for humanitarian

reasons, I instead chose to remain in virtually No Contact with my mother which

lasted pretty much up until her death, just before Christmas.

I do miss the fragments of my mother that were normal, loving, thoughtful and

kind, but the price I had to pay to experience those elusive fragments was too

high and was having too much of a negative impact on my own mental and physical

health. I had to choose myself: my own welfare, over my mother's feelings.

And after a lifetime of trying to pay the price, I feel OK with that.

So, anyway, I can relate to what you posted about why you spoke truthfully to

your nada.

We each have to figure out what we can live with, its about what works best for

us, now.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'm telling my nada that there's something wrong with her, which is

something no one has ever really done before. (We've told her she has a temper

and perhaps should do something about it, but she flipped out so badly no one

has tried again). This time we absolutely have to, because I have a child and

we need to explain why she can't babysit.

> > > We're doing it tomorrow, as gently and briefly as we can, though of course

she won't see it that way. I anticipate screaming and denials and accusations

and guilt and rage, etc, and then no contact for I don't know how long as she

refuses to speak with us.

> > > Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your

experience. Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did

it result in no contact? We're happy with either option, really...and to the

outside world that makes me seem like a terrible daughter, but those of you here

understand, right?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

<< Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your experience.

Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did it result in

no contact?>>

 

 I agree with childobpd here that the nature of the disorder may mean nothing

comes of it, as the BPD typically feels entitled to think/act as she does and

sees herself as doing nothing wrong and nothing's wrong. I ended up telling my

nada that she had Borderline Personality Disorder. As I should have anticipated,

she discounted what I said entirely. She still  behaved as  though I were

still just a kid and that I did not know anything. We resumed NC.  

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, April 6, 2012 8:53 PM

Subject: Re: Telling Nada she's sick: those who've done it

advice please!

 

I think that because of the very nature of the disorder the reality that the

nada is the one who is sick will most likely never penetrate that barrier. It's

just been my experience. But, you're doing the right thing protecting your

child.

B

>

> I'm telling my nada that there's something wrong with her, which is something

no one has ever really done before. (We've told her she has a temper and perhaps

should do something about it, but she flipped out so badly no one has tried

again). This time we absolutely have to, because I have a child and we need to

explain why she can't babysit.

> We're doing it tomorrow, as gently and briefly as we can, though of course she

won't see it that way. I anticipate screaming and denials and accusations and

guilt and rage, etc, and then no contact for I don't know how long as she

refuses to speak with us.

> Please please someone who has done this tell me something of your experience.

Did it result in acknowledgement there was something wrong? Or did it result in

no contact? We're happy with either option, really...and to the outside world

that makes me seem like a terrible daughter, but those of you here understand,

right?

>