Balanced Views... possible?

[Guest guest]

As I'm coming to terms with my Nada's BPD, I'm struggling to have a balanced

view of her. Though she was a typical BPD in her rages and unpredictability, she

never abused me physically, and I sincerely believe she tried to be the best

mother she knew how to be. I was always physically taken care of, and I owe the

fact that I can cook, run a house, and manage my money to her.

I find myself full of conflicting feelings, because I love her very much. I

guess you could call her a very high functioning BPD, because she was able to do

most every day things well without anyone knowing there was something wrong, and

the fact that everyone else was fooled left me in denial for so long. It's so

hard to reconcile that she's a super mom one minute and a seriously unbalanced

person the next.

And example: One day a couple months ago she was sobbing like a basket case

because the new bed she bought and assembled broke. Instead of just sleeping on

the mattress on the floor, she spent the night on the sofa bawling. It made me

remember sleeping on the floor as punishment to myself when I was 11, because

mom had yelled at me and I didn't understand why - but I felt I had to punish

myself for whatever I'd done by lying on the hard floor. Not really a parallel

situation but... I felt so lost. I wanted to comfort her like I had so

desperately wished to be comforted back then... but I couldn't. I was too

scared.

I have days where I am so angry and sad that I was stunted emotionally by her

constant criticism and rages, and her twisted thinking on some things.

Lately I've been having dreams where I'm fighting with her (very

uncharacteristic, I always back down and run away from conflict with her, even

if it means giving up my rights), and actually winning, and pushing her around,

even more bizarre, since as I'm sure everyone in this forum knows, you never win

an argument with a BPD. Because they're never wrong. EVER. >.< I wake up feeling

sick, wanting to apologize for what I did... when... nothing happened. Egh.

I'm slowly separating my life from hers, and I'm refusing to give in to the

emotional blackmail and attempts to re-enmesh our lives, and i feel good about

that. It's a very slow process, but freeing.

How have others dealt with coming to a balanced view of their BPD parents? I

notice many have suffered from much more extreme abuse than I did, but I'm just

wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation as me and been able to

reconcile the good and bad of their BPD parent....

[Guest guest]

There is good and bad in almost everyone. When BPD is involved,

the good and the bad tend to be more distinct and more extreme.

Sometimes it can seem almost like there are two people in one

body - the good one and the evil one. It may help you to make a

comparison between your nada and a dog with rabies. It doesn't

matter how much you love a dog, if it catches rabies it is a

danger to you and you have to take steps to protect yourself and

those around you. Similarly, you have to protect yourself from

the effects of your nada's BPD. It doesn't matter that she does

good things some times, you still need to make sure you don't

get bitten.

Also, it will probably help to keep reminding yourself that you

are not responsible for her emotions. Spending the night on the

sofa bawling was her choice. There was no need for her to do

that and you didn't cause it to happen. When she gets upset that

way, there's nothing wrong with giving her a reasonable amount

of sympathy without being drawn into her drama. " I'm sorry your

new bed broke. It isn't the end of the world though. You can put

the mattress on the floor for the night and deal with exchanging

the bed in the morning. I have to go now, bye. "

Your dreams may be telling you that it is time to stand up more

for yourself where she's concerned. You're right that arguing

with a nada does no good, but that doesn't mean you have to back

down either. The best way to " win " is to not play the game.

Instead of arguing, you can state whatever needs saying then end

the conversation if she wants to argue with you.

At 01:16 AM 04/06/2012 goldenpoem wrote:

>As I'm coming to terms with my Nada's BPD, I'm struggling to

>have a balanced view of her. Though she was a typical BPD in

>her rages and unpredictability, she never abused me physically,

>and I sincerely believe she tried to be the best mother she

>knew how to be. I was always physically taken care of, and I

>owe the fact that I can cook, run a house, and manage my money

>to her.

>

>I find myself full of conflicting feelings, because I love her

>very much. I guess you could call her a very high functioning

>BPD, because she was able to do most every day things well

>without anyone knowing there was something wrong, and the fact

>that everyone else was fooled left me in denial for so long.

>It's so hard to reconcile that she's a super mom one minute and

>a seriously unbalanced person the next.

>

>And example: One day a couple months ago she was sobbing like a

>basket case because the new bed she bought and assembled broke.

>Instead of just sleeping on the mattress on the floor, she

>spent the night on the sofa bawling. It made me remember

>sleeping on the floor as punishment to myself when I was 11,

>because mom had yelled at me and I didn't understand why - but

>I felt I had to punish myself for whatever I'd done by lying on

>the hard floor. Not really a parallel situation but... I felt

>so lost. I wanted to comfort her like I had so desperately

>wished to be comforted back then... but I couldn't. I was too

>scared.

>

>I have days where I am so angry and sad that I was stunted

>emotionally by her constant criticism and rages, and her

>twisted thinking on some things.

>

>Lately I've been having dreams where I'm fighting with her

>(very uncharacteristic, I always back down and run away from

>conflict with her, even if it means giving up my rights), and

>actually winning, and pushing her around, even more bizarre,

>since as I'm sure everyone in this forum knows, you never win

>an argument with a BPD. Because they're never wrong. EVER. >.<

>I wake up feeling sick, wanting to apologize for what I did...

>when... nothing happened. Egh.

>

>I'm slowly separating my life from hers, and I'm refusing to

>give in to the emotional blackmail and attempts to re-enmesh

>our lives, and i feel good about that. It's a very slow

>process, but freeing.

>

>How have others dealt with coming to a balanced view of their

>BPD parents? I notice many have suffered from much more extreme

>abuse than I did, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has had

>a similar situation as me and been able to reconcile the good

>and bad of their BPD parent....

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Good points Katrina, I definitely know what you mean about two people in one

body. For the longest time in researching mental illnesses, I kept thinking it

had something to do with dissociative identity disorder, because it really

seemed like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Thank goodness I stumbled across BPD in

my research... it's been a real epiphany for me.

I don't know about others in the forum, but it feels as if discovering BPD is

forcing me to do something I was never capable of doing before - being tough

emotionally. Distancing myself and limiting my closeness, protecting myself.

It's a really strange feeling.

I have flashes where I see myself as the aggressor and she's the victim, like in

my dream. I'm so terrified that I'm going to become like that, out of control,

cruel. Do those feelings ever go away? They leave me feeling so sick inside.

> >As I'm coming to terms with my Nada's BPD, I'm struggling to

> >have a balanced view of her. Though she was a typical BPD in

> >her rages and unpredictability, she never abused me physically,

> >and I sincerely believe she tried to be the best mother she

> >knew how to be. I was always physically taken care of, and I

> >owe the fact that I can cook, run a house, and manage my money

> >to her.

> >

> >I find myself full of conflicting feelings, because I love her

> >very much. I guess you could call her a very high functioning

> >BPD, because she was able to do most every day things well

> >without anyone knowing there was something wrong, and the fact

> >that everyone else was fooled left me in denial for so long.

> >It's so hard to reconcile that she's a super mom one minute and

> >a seriously unbalanced person the next.

> >

> >And example: One day a couple months ago she was sobbing like a

> >basket case because the new bed she bought and assembled broke.

> >Instead of just sleeping on the mattress on the floor, she

> >spent the night on the sofa bawling. It made me remember

> >sleeping on the floor as punishment to myself when I was 11,

> >because mom had yelled at me and I didn't understand why - but

> >I felt I had to punish myself for whatever I'd done by lying on

> >the hard floor. Not really a parallel situation but... I felt

> >so lost. I wanted to comfort her like I had so desperately

> >wished to be comforted back then... but I couldn't. I was too

> >scared.

> >

> >I have days where I am so angry and sad that I was stunted

> >emotionally by her constant criticism and rages, and her

> >twisted thinking on some things.

> >

> >Lately I've been having dreams where I'm fighting with her

> >(very uncharacteristic, I always back down and run away from

> >conflict with her, even if it means giving up my rights), and

> >actually winning, and pushing her around, even more bizarre,

> >since as I'm sure everyone in this forum knows, you never win

> >an argument with a BPD. Because they're never wrong. EVER. >.<

> >I wake up feeling sick, wanting to apologize for what I did...

> >when... nothing happened. Egh.

> >

> >I'm slowly separating my life from hers, and I'm refusing to

> >give in to the emotional blackmail and attempts to re-enmesh

> >our lives, and i feel good about that. It's a very slow

> >process, but freeing.

> >

> >How have others dealt with coming to a balanced view of their

> >BPD parents? I notice many have suffered from much more extreme

> >abuse than I did, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has had

> >a similar situation as me and been able to reconcile the good

> >and bad of their BPD parent....

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Goldenpoem, you wrote:

" I have flashes where I see myself as the aggressor and she's the victim, like

in my dream. I'm so terrified that I'm going to become like that, out of

control, cruel. Do those feelings ever go away? They leave me feeling so sick

inside. "

Please take comfort in the fact that NONE of us are responsible for the content

or feelings in our dreams! So please don't beat yourself up for the strange mix

of bizarre (yet fascinating) stuff that comes up in a dream.

And in the same vein, none of us are responsible for our feelings, either. What

we ARE responsible for is HOW WE CHOOSE TO ACT on a feeling, or not act.

We can have all the feelings we want to, and not *act* on them, because we have

a functioning executive part of our brain, and we have ethics/morals, a sense of

personal responsibility, and a conscience that knows right from wrong. This

allows us to ignore that fleeting but intense impulse to grab the entire plate

of cookies, run away with them and eat all of them. This allows us to gaze at a

gorgeous or handsome co-worker, become sexually aroused, but not walk over to

them, grab them and kiss them. It allows us to be really angry at someone

without punching them in the face.

We have impulse control, yay!

Those with bpd are a lot like very small children, little three year olds who

have not yet developed the ability to control the *expression* of their

emotions; every feeling they're feeling is instantly expressed in fulll force.

Three year olds do not yet have a sense of ethics or morals, a fully developed

conscience/sense of right and wrong, their capacity for empathy is rudimentary

if it exists at all, and a typical three year old does not yet possess impulse

control or a sense of personal responsibility for their actions.

Most three year olds go on to develop these characteristics, but those with bpd

seem to get stuck at this age or one close to it. I think my own nada was even

" younger " than three, emotionally.

It fascinates me that even cross-culturally, there does not seem to be a proper

word for " emotionally retarded " , because its just not part of the human

experience to conceive of someone who has the body an adult and the INTELLIGENCE

of an adult, but who is operating at the emotional level of a toddler.

So, anyway. My suggestion is to feel your " bad " feelings and don't be ashamed

of them if you don't act on them. Drop the guilt, its inappropriate and

undeserved, AND its not doing anything positive for you or for your nada.

Learning safe and healthy ways to express anger and frustration is a positive

way to handle your feelings, as is going to therapy and processing the trauma

that we experienced at the hands of our bpd parents.

As a fully-functioning, relatively mentally healthy adult we do have the

executive function to manage our behaviors in spite of how we are feeling, and

we will make mistakes (everyone does), but overall we will do just fine.

In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> Good points Katrina, I definitely know what you mean about two people in one

body. For the longest time in researching mental illnesses, I kept thinking it

had something to do with dissociative identity disorder, because it really

seemed like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Thank goodness I stumbled across BPD in

my research... it's been a real epiphany for me.

>

> I don't know about others in the forum, but it feels as if discovering BPD is

forcing me to do something I was never capable of doing before - being tough

emotionally. Distancing myself and limiting my closeness, protecting myself.

It's a really strange feeling.

>

> I have flashes where I see myself as the aggressor and she's the victim, like

in my dream. I'm so terrified that I'm going to become like that, out of

control, cruel. Do those feelings ever go away? They leave me feeling so sick

inside.

>