Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hello all. I used this board a few years ago to make some life changing decisions. The help I got here was invaluable. My father is a high functioning BPD I believe (not officially diagnosed). After much reflection and thought and with loads of information from this site and the Stop Walking on Eggshels books I finally decided to severely restrict my contact with my father. I informed my mother of my decision and she was very supportive. My wonderful husband has amazing parents and couldn't really understand (and I hate to discuss it, frankly) but has been supportive as well. Contact has been limited to brief phone conversations weekly and extremely short visits. In the past two years my world turned upside down. My husband and I decided to adopt two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, now 3 and 5 respectively. They are currently in foster care with us and we are nearing finalization of our adoption. I also happened to get pregnant and we had a beautiful little boy. With three kids in two years and our marriage only going on four years old we are DONE building this family! The kids have been wonderful as a bargaining chip dealing with my father. I've only had to gather them up and walk out on him once for him to realize that his behavior in front of them damn well better be impeccable. Now he catches himself and acts as normally as he's capable of acting because he wants to spend time with them. He seems to be respecting my ability to draw and maintain lines in the sand with him (so far!). In a situation that I can only describe as the poetic irony of life, the children we are adopting have a birthmother with a load of mental health issues including ADD, bipolar disorder and everyone's favorite - BPD. She's had this diagnosis since childhood and it's been confirmed by multiple mental health personnel both in the private sector and in the prison system where she's currently residing for the third time. Needless to say I have limited contact with her severely since I've been there and done that. So far she is respecting the limits but she doesn't have much choice while she's incarcerated. Where it gets interesting is in dealing with the kids. Someday they will want to meet her. The oldest remembers her but hasn't seen her in two years so her memories are fading a bit. She suffers from post traumatic stress disorder courtesy of the first 2 1/2 years of life with her birthparents and everyone agrees (judges, social workers, therapists, us and even birthmom's family - wonderful people with a black sheep in the family who spent years trying to get her help with poor results) that no contact will be allowed. However, once the kids reach 18 we really won't be able to control that. So our job now is prepping them for the reality of the person they will meet someday. So for all of you out there with BPD parents - how would you describe them? What skills do you recommend in coping with them? At some point I will bring the kids to this site so they can see what life is like with a BPD parent. Fortunately, they're not going to have to experience that themselves without the buffer of us as their day-to-day parents for a long, long time. Wish us luck....we'll need it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Your kids are so, so fortunate to have you, Omzig. And you've been doing an incredible job of dealing with your father. Kudos! My description of someone living with BPD would be an inability to understand or respect boundaries, with emotionally violent highs and lows. My coping sills are similar to yours: setting and enforcing boundaries and space, space, and more space. Best wishes! Fiona > > Hello all. I used this board a few years ago to make some life changing decisions. The help I got here was invaluable. My father is a high functioning BPD I believe (not officially diagnosed). After much reflection and thought and with loads of information from this site and the Stop Walking on Eggshels books I finally decided to severely restrict my contact with my father. I informed my mother of my decision and she was very supportive. My wonderful husband has amazing parents and couldn't really understand (and I hate to discuss it, frankly) but has been supportive as well. Contact has been limited to brief phone conversations weekly and extremely short visits. > > In the past two years my world turned upside down. My husband and I decided to adopt two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, now 3 and 5 respectively. They are currently in foster care with us and we are nearing finalization of our adoption. I also happened to get pregnant and we had a beautiful little boy. With three kids in two years and our marriage only going on four years old we are DONE building this family! > > The kids have been wonderful as a bargaining chip dealing with my father. I've only had to gather them up and walk out on him once for him to realize that his behavior in front of them damn well better be impeccable. Now he catches himself and acts as normally as he's capable of acting because he wants to spend time with them. He seems to be respecting my ability to draw and maintain lines in the sand with him (so far!). > > In a situation that I can only describe as the poetic irony of life, the children we are adopting have a birthmother with a load of mental health issues including ADD, bipolar disorder and everyone's favorite - BPD. She's had this diagnosis since childhood and it's been confirmed by multiple mental health personnel both in the private sector and in the prison system where she's currently residing for the third time. Needless to say I have limited contact with her severely since I've been there and done that. So far she is respecting the limits but she doesn't have much choice while she's incarcerated. > > Where it gets interesting is in dealing with the kids. Someday they will want to meet her. The oldest remembers her but hasn't seen her in two years so her memories are fading a bit. She suffers from post traumatic stress disorder courtesy of the first 2 1/2 years of life with her birthparents and everyone agrees (judges, social workers, therapists, us and even birthmom's family - wonderful people with a black sheep in the family who spent years trying to get her help with poor results) that no contact will be allowed. However, once the kids reach 18 we really won't be able to control that. So our job now is prepping them for the reality of the person they will meet someday. > > So for all of you out there with BPD parents - how would you describe them? What skills do you recommend in coping with them? At some point I will bring the kids to this site so they can see what life is like with a BPD parent. Fortunately, they're not going to have to experience that themselves without the buffer of us as their day-to-day parents for a long, long time. Wish us luck....we'll need it! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Fantastic!!!! You rock!!! As to the kids, I would talk with them about psychology info every day - like how to behave in a group, how to make a friend, how to be socially appropriate - and then when they meet someone who isn't I don't think you'll need to say a word. > ** > > > Your kids are so, so fortunate to have you, Omzig. > > And you've been doing an incredible job of dealing with your father. Kudos! > > My description of someone living with BPD would be an inability to > understand or respect boundaries, with emotionally violent highs and lows. > > My coping sills are similar to yours: setting and enforcing boundaries and > space, space, and more space. > > Best wishes! > > Fiona > > > > > > > Hello all. I used this board a few years ago to make some life changing > decisions. The help I got here was invaluable. My father is a high > functioning BPD I believe (not officially diagnosed). After much reflection > and thought and with loads of information from this site and the Stop > Walking on Eggshels books I finally decided to severely restrict my contact > with my father. I informed my mother of my decision and she was very > supportive. My wonderful husband has amazing parents and couldn't really > understand (and I hate to discuss it, frankly) but has been supportive as > well. Contact has been limited to brief phone conversations weekly and > extremely short visits. > > > > In the past two years my world turned upside down. My husband and I > decided to adopt two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, now 3 and 5 > respectively. They are currently in foster care with us and we are nearing > finalization of our adoption. I also happened to get pregnant and we had a > beautiful little boy. With three kids in two years and our marriage only > going on four years old we are DONE building this family! > > > > The kids have been wonderful as a bargaining chip dealing with my father. > I've only had to gather them up and walk out on him once for him to realize > that his behavior in front of them damn well better be impeccable. Now he > catches himself and acts as normally as he's capable of acting because he > wants to spend time with them. He seems to be respecting my ability to draw > and maintain lines in the sand with him (so far!). > > > > In a situation that I can only describe as the poetic irony of life, the > children we are adopting have a birthmother with a load of mental health > issues including ADD, bipolar disorder and everyone's favorite - BPD. She's > had this diagnosis since childhood and it's been confirmed by multiple > mental health personnel both in the private sector and in the prison system > where she's currently residing for the third time. Needless to say I have > limited contact with her severely since I've been there and done that. So > far she is respecting the limits but she doesn't have much choice while > she's incarcerated. > > > > Where it gets interesting is in dealing with the kids. Someday they will > want to meet her. The oldest remembers her but hasn't seen her in two years > so her memories are fading a bit. She suffers from post traumatic stress > disorder courtesy of the first 2 1/2 years of life with her birthparents and > everyone agrees (judges, social workers, therapists, us and even birthmom's > family - wonderful people with a black sheep in the family who spent years > trying to get her help with poor results) that no contact will be allowed. > However, once the kids reach 18 we really won't be able to control that. So > our job now is prepping them for the reality of the person they will meet > someday. > > > > So for all of you out there with BPD parents - how would you describe > them? What skills do you recommend in coping with them? At some point I will > bring the kids to this site so they can see what life is like with a BPD > parent. Fortunately, they're not going to have to experience that themselves > without the buffer of us as their day-to-day parents for a long, long time. > Wish us luck....we'll need it! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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