New to the group, facing mother's undiagnosed BDP head on at last.

August 16, 2011

Hello. I am new to this group, but not new to BDP. I'm a 42 year-old

non, and was married seven years to a BPD woman. She even eventually

sought help on her own, actually got diagnosed and started Dialectal

Behavior Therapy. Unfortunately as is all to common, it was too hard

for her, and after about a month or so of sessions, she quit. That was

enough for me, and was a significant cause for me to eventually finally

begin the divorce proceedings.

I've joined this group today as I now have reached a point of " this far

and no further " , a demarcation point or threshold where enough is

enough, and am beginning to deal with the fact my mother exhibits many

of the diagnostic criteria of BDP, and has all my life. It has become

necessary for me to start implementing my boundaries with her, and

enforce them and no longer pacify, allow, or even enable her behaviors

direct or indirect. I've called her on this, addressing her codependent

patterns and behaviours, and other social issues including an isolation

tendency that's been life-long.

In learning more about my ex-wife's BDP, I learned that these women

perceive that they feel they've been burned so much by men that they get

to a point where they shut down from relationships with them, and then

focus ALL their attention on their children. My ex-wife did this with

her daughter, and I witnessed it. I know see and experience how my

mother does this with me, and my brothers.

In my own psychiatric therapy I sought immediately following filing

divorce five years ago, I realized that I married a woman with BPD

(unknowingly) trying to make amends from where I (mistakenly felt I)

failed my mother emotionally as a small child. Now it's come full

circle and I'm now seeing objectively how my mother is full-on BDP, and

meets five or more of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria. I even know the

root source of her pathology, no emotional connection from her

emotionally distant alcoholic father that has tainted every relationship

with every male in her life ever since. While I am grateful for this

forum as a support resource, I wish it was a club I didn't have to join.

But I know that's true for everyone here.

August 16, 2011

Welcome to the Group. Yes, I agree: its a club I wish we didn't need to join.

It seems to be a pretty common thing, for the child of a personality-disordered

parent to marry someone who is very much like the pd parent.

I've read that the two main reasons this happens are that (a) whatever behaviors

a parent models for his or her child during the child's formative years are

interpreted by the child as " normal " even if the parental behaviors are horribly

abnormal... and ( when we marry someone who (even subconsciously) reminds us

very much of our pd parent, we are trying to work out the issues we had with our

parent as children but make the outcome come out right this time. So, its like

a " do-over " in a way.

-Annie

>

> Hello. I am new to this group, but not new to BDP. I'm a 42 year-old

> non, and was married seven years to a BPD woman. She even eventually

> sought help on her own, actually got diagnosed and started Dialectal

> Behavior Therapy. Unfortunately as is all to common, it was too hard

> for her, and after about a month or so of sessions, she quit. That was

> enough for me, and was a significant cause for me to eventually finally

> begin the divorce proceedings.

> I've joined this group today as I now have reached a point of " this far

> and no further " , a demarcation point or threshold where enough is

> enough, and am beginning to deal with the fact my mother exhibits many

> of the diagnostic criteria of BDP, and has all my life. It has become

> necessary for me to start implementing my boundaries with her, and

> enforce them and no longer pacify, allow, or even enable her behaviors

> direct or indirect. I've called her on this, addressing her codependent

> patterns and behaviours, and other social issues including an isolation

> tendency that's been life-long.

> In learning more about my ex-wife's BDP, I learned that these women

> perceive that they feel they've been burned so much by men that they get

> to a point where they shut down from relationships with them, and then

> focus ALL their attention on their children. My ex-wife did this with

> her daughter, and I witnessed it. I know see and experience how my

> mother does this with me, and my brothers.

> In my own psychiatric therapy I sought immediately following filing

> divorce five years ago, I realized that I married a woman with BPD

> (unknowingly) trying to make amends from where I (mistakenly felt I)

> failed my mother emotionally as a small child. Now it's come full

> circle and I'm now seeing objectively how my mother is full-on BDP, and

> meets five or more of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria. I even know the

> root source of her pathology, no emotional connection from her

> emotionally distant alcoholic father that has tainted every relationship

> with every male in her life ever since. While I am grateful for this

> forum as a support resource, I wish it was a club I didn't have to join.

> But I know that's true for everyone here.

>

August 17, 2011

neverman, I hear you. You are where I was 3 years ago. Insight hit me like a

brick in the forehead. I was mad, scared, and sad, all at the same time.

I am glad to hear you are getting professional help. I am so thankful for those

professionals that helped me. What ever you need to do to take care of

yourself, you do it. You will make mistakes, but you will always do the best

you can with what you have to work with at that moment. Trust yourself. There

is no such thing as failure, just trial and error. You can learn new ways of

being; you can break old destructive patterns.

Please continue being a part of this group. We need you as much as you need us.