Guest guest Posted April 7, 2012 Report Share Posted April 7, 2012 Hello All, Was anyone else the scapegoat/identified patient in their house? That was me; sister was the golden child and I was the crazy wild child who nada and fada dumped on constantly. According to them, I caused all of their problems. This has engrained such a warped sense of my own power, even now as an adult. Actually, I think whether we were the scapegoats or not, when you're raised by a PD " parent " , you have all the power to (seemingly) destroy your nada or fada, and at the same time, are powerless: no voice to be heard. So i find myself now fearful of upsetting others. If just the way I happened to walk into the room as a nine year old could set nada off raging for the next six hours, who knows what other monstrosities I am capable of?! I witness myself just being oh-so-agreeable all the freaking time. However, no matter how aware I am of repeating this pattern, I STILL find myself doing it! I've been in therapy for a couple years now, and realize so much of it has to do with my low self-worth, also; that I don't believe I deserve better, so I end up buddying up with those who are totally comfortable with me believing I don't deserve better (i.e., narcissists). But...even though I realize this....I still see myself repeating the pattern! When do we stop repeating the patterns? And stop attracting narcissists/BPD, etc? Anyway, for anyone who is struggling with the same thing, I came across this article: " Scapegoats: Stop Telling the Truth " . The tips in here are really empowering: choosing the truths to tell, deciding for yourself what to point out, reveal, etc. Sounds like common sense, but for me, it was helpful to read it. Now if I can just get my unconscious to catch up. Looks like some other interesting articles on this site, too. http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/12/scapegoats-stop-telling-the-truth\ ..html Enjoy, -T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2012 Report Share Posted April 8, 2012 HI Tessa, Yes I was the scapegoat too, not just for the nuclear family, but the entire maternal family of origin. Part of the pattern with attracting narcissists might be the repetition compulsion (this is the same reason many of us marry people like our parents): the desire to reenact the trauma with the hopes that this time it will be different. I just ordered some massive tome on scapegoating in families throughout the ages from Amazon. I will report back after I have read it. As for truth telling, I still intend to be honest with new people (with kindness and integrity and trying not to react from triggers) because I believe it helps out weed out the narcs and people who can't handle direct communication. My good friends now call me out on behavior that bugs them and we work through it (and vice versa, but don't worry it's not the only facet of our relationship, ie we don't spend all our time compulsively truth telling to each other). I love them for it. It is such a refreshing change from the way the whole family paradigm acted. Thanks for sharing, SR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2012 Report Share Posted April 8, 2012 This was a good referral for me--this is apparently the role I have fallen into :-( > > Hello All, > > Was anyone else the scapegoat/identified patient in their house? That was me; sister was the golden child and I was the crazy wild child who nada and fada dumped on constantly. According to them, I caused all of their problems. This has engrained such a warped sense of my own power, even now as an adult. Actually, I think whether we were the scapegoats or not, when you're raised by a PD " parent " , you have all the power to (seemingly) destroy your nada or fada, and at the same time, are powerless: no voice to be heard. > > > So i find myself now fearful of upsetting others. If just the way I happened to walk into the room as a nine year old could set nada off raging for the next six hours, who knows what other monstrosities I am capable of?! I witness myself just being oh-so-agreeable all the freaking time. However, no matter how aware I am of repeating this pattern, I STILL find myself doing it! I've been in therapy for a couple years now, and realize so much of it has to do with my low self-worth, also; that I don't believe I deserve better, so I end up buddying up with those who are totally comfortable with me believing I don't deserve better (i.e., narcissists). But...even though I realize this....I still see myself repeating the pattern! When do we stop repeating the patterns? And stop attracting narcissists/BPD, etc? > > Anyway, for anyone who is struggling with the same thing, I came across this article: " Scapegoats: Stop Telling the Truth " . The tips in here are really empowering: choosing the truths to tell, deciding for yourself what to point out, reveal, etc. Sounds like common sense, but for me, it was helpful to read it. Now if I can just get my unconscious to catch up. > > Looks like some other interesting articles on this site, too. > > http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/12/scapegoats-stop-telling-the-truth\ ..html > > Enjoy, > > > -T > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2012 Report Share Posted April 8, 2012 Hi SR, Wow, so sorry to hear you were the scapegoat for not only your nuclear family but for the entire maternal family. I read somewhere (it might have been on that site I posted) that families generally pick the scapegoat based on 2 factors: 1. who loves the most, and 2. who is the strongest: who can handle all of that dumping? So if we were strong enough to carry it all those years, we are strong enough to get out of that role, and love people who love us back. (like it sounds you have found with your friends) With the scapegoating article, I think there is an element of " choosing your own battles " ; that if I can recognize this person has those PD traits, I can remove myself from the situation without having to spend the energy on confrontation, and the ugly aftermath with a PD. But you raise a good point about truth telling, that it can weed out NPD and BPD people who can't handle the truth. I can't think of a faster or more effective way of figuring out if someone is PD or not! I'm glad you found and chose friends who are capable of those hearing and speaking those truths when it comes up, and of balanced, healthy relationships. Yes--refreshing paradigm shift from what we were brought up with, indeed! Thanks for your post, -T > > HI Tessa, > > Yes I was the scapegoat too, not just for the nuclear family, but the entire maternal family of origin. Part of the pattern with attracting narcissists might be the repetition compulsion (this is the same reason many of us marry people like our parents): the desire to reenact the trauma with the hopes that this time it will be different. > > I just ordered some massive tome on scapegoating in families throughout the ages from Amazon. I will report back after I have read it. As for truth telling, I still intend to be honest with new people (with kindness and integrity and trying not to react from triggers) because I believe it helps out weed out the narcs and people who can't handle direct communication. My good friends now call me out on behavior that bugs them and we work through it (and vice versa, but don't worry it's not the only facet of our relationship, ie we don't spend all our time compulsively truth telling to each other). I love them for it. It is such a refreshing change from the way the whole family paradigm acted. > > Thanks for sharing, > SR > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 8, 2012 Report Share Posted April 8, 2012 Glad you found it helpful. Yes, I am in the same boat...realizing I'm still repeating the pattern. But if we were strong enough to survive nada and fada, I know we are strong enough to break free! > > > > Hello All, > > > > Was anyone else the scapegoat/identified patient in their house? That was me; sister was the golden child and I was the crazy wild child who nada and fada dumped on constantly. According to them, I caused all of their problems. This has engrained such a warped sense of my own power, even now as an adult. Actually, I think whether we were the scapegoats or not, when you're raised by a PD " parent " , you have all the power to (seemingly) destroy your nada or fada, and at the same time, are powerless: no voice to be heard. > > > > > > So i find myself now fearful of upsetting others. If just the way I happened to walk into the room as a nine year old could set nada off raging for the next six hours, who knows what other monstrosities I am capable of?! I witness myself just being oh-so-agreeable all the freaking time. However, no matter how aware I am of repeating this pattern, I STILL find myself doing it! I've been in therapy for a couple years now, and realize so much of it has to do with my low self-worth, also; that I don't believe I deserve better, so I end up buddying up with those who are totally comfortable with me believing I don't deserve better (i.e., narcissists). But...even though I realize this....I still see myself repeating the pattern! When do we stop repeating the patterns? And stop attracting narcissists/BPD, etc? > > > > Anyway, for anyone who is struggling with the same thing, I came across this article: " Scapegoats: Stop Telling the Truth " . The tips in here are really empowering: choosing the truths to tell, deciding for yourself what to point out, reveal, etc. Sounds like common sense, but for me, it was helpful to read it. Now if I can just get my unconscious to catch up. > > > > Looks like some other interesting articles on this site, too. > > > > http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/12/scapegoats-stop-telling-the-truth\ ..html > > > > Enjoy, > > > > > > -T > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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