Constantly triggered at new job!

[Guest guest]

I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask advice.

I applied for and got a position within the same company that is higher than my

old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But seriously, though, if

I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't have applied. I have

not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's becoming like a video game

with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger trigger trigger knockout blow! " and

then I start crying and can't handle it. Today, I had to frigging lie and

pretend I had a migraine that was getting worse just so I could go home and

recover from what happened today. I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know

how I could tell boss, " you're triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and

I need to go home. " As it is, I don't think she bought it.

" Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather than coming

back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are sick and need to

leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not feeling well. "

I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do reply, do

I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get fired. I am lucky

to be in a position where I have a very strong union, but still...

I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again. I enjoy

the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to say things

over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But that's one of

the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always made me feel like I

seriously messed up, and I would always start crying. (Seriously, this is the

second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional memory involved

and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in this public

service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and for any future

replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it goes okay. She

responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says in frustration, " I

already told you, I already said... " and goes on into this long, repetitious

explanation of the policies.

Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I made a

mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job with no

official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I can avoid making

mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really hurt today, in one of the

final trigger blows in the " video game " is when she said, " [name] never had a

problem with this, [name] was always good with it. "

The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish you were as

good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.) Honestly, I have

been trying really really hard to get everything right, and I keep feeling like

I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot. Seriously, I feel like saying,

I've done this job before in the past with another company, I know what I'm

doing, just give me that binder full of company-specific policies so I can study

it.

I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it was a

discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting quite

defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of codified information,

and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular counselor yet,

but my husband called one of the recommended therapists that my psychiatrist

gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would call back soon. I just

really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a strategy in mind for a) dealing

with this job, try to figure out what I can do in terms of accommodations, c)

look for a new job.

I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but it's our

main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and benefits. And

I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so triggered.

I want to kick fada in the balls.

thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

what a nightmare <<hugs>>

I don't know what I would do in a similar position--either find a way to

sensitize yourself from the trigger or ?

She's definitely sounding abusive. If you used the same language back at her you

would likely be fired ( " I always understood completely what my previous boss

said. I don't know why you have such a hard time getting your meaning across. " )

This really isn't fair!

>

> I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask advice.

>

> I applied for and got a position within the same company that is higher than

my old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But seriously, though,

if I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't have applied. I

have not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's becoming like a video

game with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger trigger trigger knockout blow! "

and then I start crying and can't handle it. Today, I had to frigging lie and

pretend I had a migraine that was getting worse just so I could go home and

recover from what happened today. I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know

how I could tell boss, " you're triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and

I need to go home. " As it is, I don't think she bought it.

>

> " Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather than coming

back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are sick and need to

leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not feeling well. "

>

> I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do reply,

do I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get fired. I am

lucky to be in a position where I have a very strong union, but still...

>

>

> I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again. I

enjoy the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

>

> She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to say things

over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But that's one of

the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always made me feel like I

seriously messed up, and I would always start crying. (Seriously, this is the

second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

>

> The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional memory

involved and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in this

public service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and for any

future replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it goes okay.

She responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says in frustration, " I

already told you, I already said... " and goes on into this long, repetitious

explanation of the policies.

>

> Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I made a

mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job with no

official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I can avoid making

mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really hurt today, in one of the

final trigger blows in the " video game " is when she said, " [name] never had a

problem with this, [name] was always good with it. "

>

> The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish you were as

good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.) Honestly, I have

been trying really really hard to get everything right, and I keep feeling like

I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot. Seriously, I feel like saying,

I've done this job before in the past with another company, I know what I'm

doing, just give me that binder full of company-specific policies so I can study

it.

>

> I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it was a

discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting quite

defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of codified information,

and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

>

> I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular counselor

yet, but my husband called one of the recommended therapists that my

psychiatrist gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would call back

soon. I just really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a strategy in mind for

a) dealing with this job, try to figure out what I can do in terms of

accommodations, c) look for a new job.

>

> I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but it's our

main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and benefits. And

I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so triggered.

>

> I want to kick fada in the balls.

>

> thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Reach out to other folks in the company. 

Find out as much as you can from as many people as you can and build a support

network.

Beginnings are hard, be gentle on yourself.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 6:31 PM

Subject: Re: Constantly triggered at new job!

 

what a nightmare <<hugs>>

I don't know what I would do in a similar position--either find a way to

sensitize yourself from the trigger or ?

She's definitely sounding abusive. If you used the same language back at her you

would likely be fired ( " I always understood completely what my previous boss

said. I don't know why you have such a hard time getting your meaning across. " )

This really isn't fair!

>

> I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask advice.

>

> I applied for and got a position within the same company that is higher than

my old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But seriously, though,

if I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't have applied. I

have not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's becoming like a video

game with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger trigger trigger knockout blow! "

and then I start crying and can't handle it. Today, I had to frigging lie and

pretend I had a migraine that was getting worse just so I could go home and

recover from what happened today. I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know

how I could tell boss, " you're triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and

I need to go home. " As it is, I don't think she bought it.

>

> " Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather than coming

back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are sick and need to

leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not feeling well. "

>

> I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do reply,

do I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get fired. I am

lucky to be in a position where I have a very strong union, but still...

>

>

> I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again. I

enjoy the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

>

> She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to say things

over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But that's one of

the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always made me feel like I

seriously messed up, and I would always start crying. (Seriously, this is the

second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

>

> The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional memory

involved and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in this

public service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and for any

future replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it goes okay.

She responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says in frustration, " I

already told you, I already said... " and goes on into this long, repetitious

explanation of the policies.

>

> Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I made a

mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job with no

official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I can avoid making

mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really hurt today, in one of the

final trigger blows in the " video game " is when she said, " [name] never had a

problem with this, [name] was always good with it. "

>

> The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish you were as

good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.) Honestly, I have

been trying really really hard to get everything right, and I keep feeling like

I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot. Seriously, I feel like saying,

I've done this job before in the past with another company, I know what I'm

doing, just give me that binder full of company-specific policies so I can study

it.

>

> I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it was a

discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting quite

defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of codified information,

and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

>

> I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular counselor

yet, but my husband called one of the recommended therapists that my

psychiatrist gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would call back

soon. I just really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a strategy in mind for

a) dealing with this job, try to figure out what I can do in terms of

accommodations, c) look for a new job.

>

> I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but it's our

main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and benefits. And

I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so triggered.

>

> I want to kick fada in the balls.

>

> thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Teri and echobabe <3 I have a great support network of friends on

Facebook, too, and some of them have given practical advice like playing

Sudoku to keep me out of my own head, or some other intense math to

distract me from a potential emotional breakdown. Someone else suggested I

take occasional vacation days to reward myself, and I like that idea.

I also called the EAP yesterday afternoon, and was able to get a EAP

counseling appointment for next Tuesday, so if I can hang on until then,

that will help. It's difficult finding a good permanent counselor here, for

some reason. Someone with an opening, at the time I can come in, and who

can handle my specific issues. DH will be calling around for me today so

we'll see what happens.

I will still be on the lookout for a good lateral move. Let's see what

happens today.

On Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 3:39 AM, Teri Birdsall wrote:

> **

>

>

> Reach out to other folks in the company.

> Find out as much as you can from as many people as you can and build a

> support network.

> Beginnings are hard, be gentle on yourself.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 6:31 PM

> Subject: Re: Constantly triggered at new job!

>

>

>

> what a nightmare <<hugs>>

>

> I don't know what I would do in a similar position--either find a way to

> sensitize yourself from the trigger or ?

>

> She's definitely sounding abusive. If you used the same language back at

> her you would likely be fired ( " I always understood completely what my

> previous boss said. I don't know why you have such a hard time getting your

> meaning across. " ) This really isn't fair!

>

>

> >

> > I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask

> advice.

> >

> > I applied for and got a position within the same company that is higher

> than my old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But seriously,

> though, if I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't have

> applied. I have not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's

> becoming like a video game with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger

> trigger trigger knockout blow! " and then I start crying and can't handle

> it. Today, I had to frigging lie and pretend I had a migraine that was

> getting worse just so I could go home and recover from what happened today.

> I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know how I could tell boss, " you're

> triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and I need to go home. " As it

> is, I don't think she bought it.

> >

> > " Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather than

> coming back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are sick and

> need to leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not feeling

> well. "

> >

> > I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do

> reply, do I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get

> fired. I am lucky to be in a position where I have a very strong union, but

> still...

> >

> >

> > I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again.

> I enjoy the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

> >

> > She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to say

> things over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But

> that's one of the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always made

> me feel like I seriously messed up, and I would always start crying.

> (Seriously, this is the second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

> >

> > The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional memory

> involved and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in this

> public service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and for

> any future replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it

> goes okay. She responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says in

> frustration, " I already told you, I already said... " and goes on into this

> long, repetitious explanation of the policies.

> >

> > Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I

> made a mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job

> with no official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I can

> avoid making mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really hurt

> today, in one of the final trigger blows in the " video game " is when she

> said, " [name] never had a problem with this, [name] was always good with

> it. "

> >

> > The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish you

> were as good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.)

> Honestly, I have been trying really really hard to get everything right,

> and I keep feeling like I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot.

> Seriously, I feel like saying, I've done this job before in the past with

> another company, I know what I'm doing, just give me that binder full of

> company-specific policies so I can study it.

> >

> > I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it

> was a discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting

> quite defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of codified

> information, and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

> >

> > I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular

> counselor yet, but my husband called one of the recommended therapists that

> my psychiatrist gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would

> call back soon. I just really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a

> strategy in mind for a) dealing with this job, try to figure out what I

> can do in terms of accommodations, c) look for a new job.

> >

> > I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

> recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but it's

> our main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and

> benefits. And I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so triggered.

> >

> > I want to kick fada in the balls.

> >

> > thanks for reading.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, Holly, I just left this exact situation! I got a new job about 8 months

ago, and after several months I realized that my boss was triggering all my

childhood mess of dysfunctional emotions. It took me a little longer to realize

how much his BPD was mirroring that of my nada's when I was a kid.

I was so miserable at that job. People tell me that I stopped laughing, I

stopped smiling, I didn't talk about the people at work or tell funny stories

about what happened or anything. I just shut down.

I don't know if your boss is PD or not, but believe your triggers. A lot of the

things you mentioned were things that my boss did. He even had an accent

too--he's from Venezuela--so he could play off his language failings when he

wanted to.

I'm so glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. And definitely look towards a

lateral move. If you have a mentor in that company, ask them for advice. I went

to my mentor to ask for a transfer, even offered to take a demotion just to get

away from him. It didn't work out for me (when they told the person who was

going to take my place that he would be going to this manager's store, that

person quit on the spot). Anyway, one day he pushed me too far, and I posted on

FB that I was officially looking for a new job, and within an hour, my former

boss offered me a position back at my last place. I started this week, and the

difference is night and day. I would never advise this for anyone else, but I'm

just saying there is HOPE for a much better life than that!!

Don't feel bad about lying. You were protecting your mental health. And continue

to take care of yourself! I'd hate to see you lose yourself the way I lost me

for awhile. Please post whenever you need to. We are here for you!

> > >

> > > I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask

> > advice.

> > >

> > > I applied for and got a position within the same company that is higher

> > than my old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But seriously,

> > though, if I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't have

> > applied. I have not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's

> > becoming like a video game with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger

> > trigger trigger knockout blow! " and then I start crying and can't handle

> > it. Today, I had to frigging lie and pretend I had a migraine that was

> > getting worse just so I could go home and recover from what happened today.

> > I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know how I could tell boss, " you're

> > triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and I need to go home. " As it

> > is, I don't think she bought it.

> > >

> > > " Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather than

> > coming back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are sick and

> > need to leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not feeling

> > well. "

> > >

> > > I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do

> > reply, do I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get

> > fired. I am lucky to be in a position where I have a very strong union, but

> > still...

> > >

> > >

> > > I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever again.

> > I enjoy the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

> > >

> > > She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to say

> > things over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But

> > that's one of the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always made

> > me feel like I seriously messed up, and I would always start crying.

> > (Seriously, this is the second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

> > >

> > > The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional memory

> > involved and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in this

> > public service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and for

> > any future replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it

> > goes okay. She responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says in

> > frustration, " I already told you, I already said... " and goes on into this

> > long, repetitious explanation of the policies.

> > >

> > > Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I

> > made a mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job

> > with no official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I can

> > avoid making mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really hurt

> > today, in one of the final trigger blows in the " video game " is when she

> > said, " [name] never had a problem with this, [name] was always good with

> > it. "

> > >

> > > The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish you

> > were as good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.)

> > Honestly, I have been trying really really hard to get everything right,

> > and I keep feeling like I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot.

> > Seriously, I feel like saying, I've done this job before in the past with

> > another company, I know what I'm doing, just give me that binder full of

> > company-specific policies so I can study it.

> > >

> > > I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it

> > was a discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting

> > quite defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of codified

> > information, and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

> > >

> > > I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular

> > counselor yet, but my husband called one of the recommended therapists that

> > my psychiatrist gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would

> > call back soon. I just really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a

> > strategy in mind for a) dealing with this job, try to figure out what I

> > can do in terms of accommodations, c) look for a new job.

> > >

> > > I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

> > recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but it's

> > our main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and

> > benefits. And I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so triggered.

> > >

> > > I want to kick fada in the balls.

> > >

> > > thanks for reading.

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, crochetgurl! I'm glad that I'm not the only one, but at the same

time I feel so sorry that you had to deal with the exact same thing. How

wonderful you were able to get that job right away, to get you out of

there!

I'm pretty sure my boss doesn't have a PD--I'm not sure she even knows that

what she does is triggering. So hopefully counseling will help, and

hopefully I can stay on long enough. I do have a mentor, my old boss at the

same company, and if I can't figure out a good resolution, I'll ask him for

advice. Same goes for my union--we have representatives for a reason.

Thanks so much for sharing your story <3 It helps a lot to know that I'm

not stuck.

So, I last wrote Tues morning--that night I had a pretty bad

anxiety/breakdown mess going on. I survived the day, but when I got home I

was still crying like crazy. and then I managed to recover myself when DH

came home from work, and then just realized how stuck I was, and just broke

down. Poor DH didn't know what to do, but he really wanted to take me to

the hospital where the doctors can better help me than anything else. They

gave me Ativan, which helped. I am still taking it now--only .5mg instead

of 1mg, and it's helping keep me from not being so triggered at work.

Ideallly counseling will be what will help me, but meanwhile, it's nice to

have emergency Ativan.

Just geez--first time I've had to go to the ER for a mental problem. :/

So, we'll see what happens. By any chance does anyone have good therapist

recommendations for Chicago proper (not suburbs)?

Thanks, Holly

On Thu, Apr 12, 2012 at 10:37 AM, crochetgurl1102 <crochetgurl1102@...

> wrote:

> **

>

>

> OMG, Holly, I just left this exact situation! I got a new job about 8

> months ago, and after several months I realized that my boss was triggering

> all my childhood mess of dysfunctional emotions. It took me a little longer

> to realize how much his BPD was mirroring that of my nada's when I was a

> kid.

>

> I was so miserable at that job. People tell me that I stopped laughing, I

> stopped smiling, I didn't talk about the people at work or tell funny

> stories about what happened or anything. I just shut down.

>

> I don't know if your boss is PD or not, but believe your triggers. A lot

> of the things you mentioned were things that my boss did. He even had an

> accent too--he's from Venezuela--so he could play off his language failings

> when he wanted to.

>

> I'm so glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. And definitely look

> towards a lateral move. If you have a mentor in that company, ask them for

> advice. I went to my mentor to ask for a transfer, even offered to take a

> demotion just to get away from him. It didn't work out for me (when they

> told the person who was going to take my place that he would be going to

> this manager's store, that person quit on the spot). Anyway, one day he

> pushed me too far, and I posted on FB that I was officially looking for a

> new job, and within an hour, my former boss offered me a position back at

> my last place. I started this week, and the difference is night and day. I

> would never advise this for anyone else, but I'm just saying there is HOPE

> for a much better life than that!!

>

> Don't feel bad about lying. You were protecting your mental health. And

> continue to take care of yourself! I'd hate to see you lose yourself the

> way I lost me for awhile. Please post whenever you need to. We are here for

> you!

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I've been mostly lurking for a while, but I really need to vent/ask

> > > advice.

> > > >

> > > > I applied for and got a position within the same company that is

> higher

> > > than my old position--so I guess that counts as a promotion. But

> seriously,

> > > though, if I'd known my boss was going to be so triggering, I wouldn't

> have

> > > applied. I have not been this triggered since fada and my mom. It's

> > > becoming like a video game with declining Emotional Reserves. " trigger

> > > trigger trigger knockout blow! " and then I start crying and can't

> handle

> > > it. Today, I had to frigging lie and pretend I had a migraine that was

> > > getting worse just so I could go home and recover from what happened

> today.

> > > I hate that I had to lie, but I didn't know how I could tell boss,

> " you're

> > > triggering so much that I can't recoup myself and I need to go home. "

> As it

> > > is, I don't think she bought it.

> > > >

> > > > " Are you letting us know that you just going straight home rather

> than

> > > coming back to the library after lunch and telling us that you are

> sick and

> > > need to leave. You did not mention anything this morning about not

> feeling

> > > well. "

> > > >

> > > > I don't know what to make of it, and haven't replied yet. And if I do

> > > reply, do I come clean now, or later? I don't know. I don't want to get

> > > fired. I am lucky to be in a position where I have a very strong

> union, but

> > > still...

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Or ever

> again.

> > > I enjoy the job otherwise--everyone is nice, including boss.

> > > >

> > > > She just has a very thick accent which is why I think she tends to

> say

> > > things over and over and over again to make sure we understand her. But

> > > that's one of the triggers. Fada would always do that, and it always

> made

> > > me feel like I seriously messed up, and I would always start crying.

> > > (Seriously, this is the second time I've cried at work in 3 weeks.)

> > > >

> > > > The policies aren't the clearest--there's a lot of institutional

> memory

> > > involved and I don't know it all yet. Yet, they're really important in

> this

> > > public service role. I'm trying to codify it into a binder for me and

> for

> > > any future replacements. So, whenever I ask her questions, sometimes it

> > > goes okay. She responds, and that's it. But most of the time she says

> in

> > > frustration, " I already told you, I already said... " and goes on into

> this

> > > long, repetitious explanation of the policies.

> > > >

> > > > Then other times she says that I can always ask questions, whenever I

> > > made a mistake (which is often, when you are getting trained on the job

> > > with no official handbook of what to do, in this position), so that I

> can

> > > avoid making mistakes. So that just leaves me confused. What really

> hurt

> > > today, in one of the final trigger blows in the " video game " is when

> she

> > > said, " [name] never had a problem with this, [name] was always good

> with

> > > it. "

> > > >

> > > > The subtext, which maybe I might be reading wrong, is that " I wish

> you

> > > were as good as [name]. " (Name is the person who was my predecessor.)

> > > Honestly, I have been trying really really hard to get everything

> right,

> > > and I keep feeling like I'm not good enough when I'm corrected a lot.

> > > Seriously, I feel like saying, I've done this job before in the past

> with

> > > another company, I know what I'm doing, just give me that binder full

> of

> > > company-specific policies so I can study it.

> > > >

> > > > I feel bad, too, because I was actually arguing with her. Or maybe it

> > > was a discussion, but it felt like an argument because she was getting

> > > quite defensive, because of the aforementioned policies, lack of

> codified

> > > information, and this procedure that needs to seriously be streamlined.

> > > >

> > > > I'm sorry if this isn't very clear at all. I don't have a regular

> > > counselor yet, but my husband called one of the recommended therapists

> that

> > > my psychiatrist gave me, and left a message. I wish the therapist would

> > > call back soon. I just really need to talk to someone, I think. Get a

> > > strategy in mind for a) dealing with this job, try to figure out

> what I

> > > can do in terms of accommodations, c) look for a new job.

> > > >

> > > > I just feel helpless because I feel like I haven't earned any good

> > > recommendations from boss. I want so much to just quit right now, but

> it's

> > > our main source of income, it's full time, with amazing insurance and

> > > benefits. And I feel like I'm squandering it because I'm just so

> triggered.

> > > >

> > > > I want to kick fada in the balls.

> > > >

> > > > thanks for reading.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad to hear that you don't think your boss has a PD. Maybe it's just

fleas?

But seriously, I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself and that you

have plans for moving forward. I hope you can find a better equilibrium for

yourself there or find another job quickly. Keep us posted. You'll be in my

thoughts!

And thanks for your sweet thoughts of me, but I've spent a week at my new job

now, and it's been amazing. There is respect and autonomy there, people really

care about each other and want everyone to do well. It still seems unreal to me.

And the old job was therapeutic, in a lot of ways. I guess I blamed myself for a

lot of what happened when I was a kid and for not getting away from Nada sooner.

Getting out of that situation again, going through all that insanity and

frustration and control and weirdness, I was able to let go of a lot of those

grudges I'd been holding against myself. I still feel a little like I'm walking

on quicksand, since this is like a completely different life now. I look forward

to seeing what this will be like, but I can't help but wait and watch for that

other shoe to fall (I know you all know what that's like).

However, this feels good. And real. And genuinely hopeful. I wish this sort of

new beginning for all here who are searching for it. May we all heal!!

>

> Thanks, crochetgurl! I'm glad that I'm not the only one, but at the same

> time I feel so sorry that you had to deal with the exact same thing. How

> wonderful you were able to get that job right away, to get you out of

> there!

>

> I'm pretty sure my boss doesn't have a PD--I'm not sure she even knows that

> what she does is triggering. So hopefully counseling will help, and

> hopefully I can stay on long enough. I do have a mentor, my old boss at the

> same company, and if I can't figure out a good resolution, I'll ask him for

> advice. Same goes for my union--we have representatives for a reason.

>

> Thanks so much for sharing your story <3 It helps a lot to know that I'm

> not stuck.

>

> So, I last wrote Tues morning--that night I had a pretty bad

> anxiety/breakdown mess going on. I survived the day, but when I got home I

> was still crying like crazy. and then I managed to recover myself when DH

> came home from work, and then just realized how stuck I was, and just broke

> down. Poor DH didn't know what to do, but he really wanted to take me to

> the hospital where the doctors can better help me than anything else. They

> gave me Ativan, which helped. I am still taking it now--only .5mg instead

> of 1mg, and it's helping keep me from not being so triggered at work.

> Ideallly counseling will be what will help me, but meanwhile, it's nice to

> have emergency Ativan.

>

> Just geez--first time I've had to go to the ER for a mental problem. :/

>

> So, we'll see what happens. By any chance does anyone have good therapist

> recommendations for Chicago proper (not suburbs)?

>

> Thanks, Holly