Frustration at lack of understanding by extended family

[Guest guest]

Does anyone else get frustrated by the lack of understanding shown by members of

their extended family? I have cousins who know how nada treated me, and they

are my friends, yet they seem unable to comprehend that i don't ever want her to

come and live with me (under no circumstances would i allow that to happen). I

also had a cousin tell me the other day that my nada would have supported me if

i'd got pregnant at 17 (which this particular cousin did). There's no way nada

would have supported me - she even said at the time why didn't my aunt just make

my cousin abort the child!!!!

[Guest guest]

I find that people in general just can't wrap their minds around

a mother who is as unmotherly as our nadas. Even when they see

examples of such behavior, they can't fathom what's behind it.

" Surely she must love her children even if she behaves badly " is

what seems to go through their minds. They don't understand that

BPD makes people incapable of having appropriate normal

emotions. The idea that mothers love their children no matter

what is too ingrained in our society. If your cousins can't or

won't understand, I'd recommend avoiding the topic whenever

possible. If they know how you were treated yet can't comprehend

how you feel, talking to them about it probably isn't going to

improve anything.

For what it is worth, at least some of my cousins really like my

nada. She always treated them well when we visited them when I

was growing up. They have good memories of her. My uncle has

always treated me very well, yet from what my cousins tell me,

he didn't treat them well at all when they got to be older. (The

oldest of them is several years younger than me and they were

all fairly young the years I stayed with their family during the

summer.) Nadas and fadas often make themselves look wonderful to

others outside the immediate family, so it can be hard for

cousins and various others to really see the truth because they

may be treated in a vastly different way, especially if they

don't live nearby.

At 04:45 PM 04/09/2012 jeanie wrote:

>Does anyone else get frustrated by the lack of understanding

>shown by members of their extended family? I have cousins who

>know how nada treated me, and they are my friends, yet they

>seem unable to comprehend that i don't ever want her to come

>and live with me (under no circumstances would i allow that to

>happen). I also had a cousin tell me the other day that my

>nada would have supported me if i'd got pregnant at 17 (which

>this particular cousin did). There's no way nada would have

>supported me - she even said at the time why didn't my aunt

>just make my cousin abort the child!!!!

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Yes, part of the hardest blow for me to swallow upon realization was how the

whole extended family (which are the not close children of an alcoholic/npd

household) perceived me as the critical problematic one while the two big npds

in my family are seen as the lovely martyred women. Of course everyone lives

3000 miles away from each other and doesn't see each other but once every few

years or so, and they are basing my assumptions on nada and aunts personal

vendetta against me so god only knows the lies and distortions.

Then it kind of dawned on me how they need that problematic person to take on

all the blame, and perhaps I am in danger of becoming a martyr myself for even

thinking it, but it's kind of what sick systems do. It is horribly unfair, but

at the end of the day I'm glad i'm not a pd myself. I am kind of getting that I

don't need to take on their burden anymore. How they choose to think of me is

there business and I have no control over it. Also am lucky in that an uncle

and cousin have actually become closer after nadas death last summer and cousin

and i were raised by sisters and our sharing our stories of abuse (ironically

mom projected her hate of sister onto me).

So I guess the question for me becomes how do we release that frustration and

achieve transcendence?

and back to the topics of books, movies, and lit - anyone else love tennessee

williams?

SR

[Guest guest]

My take on this is that in order to transcend one's dysfunctional family system

in which the members (in general) are willing to accept the dominant, toxic

members' opinion that you are the all-bad " scapegoat " of the family, its up to

you to decide that *it just doesn't matter* to you what people you barely know

think of you.

If you have people that you have chosen to be in your life that you do see

often, whose company you enjoy and who enjoy your company, or if you have one or

more special people whom you love and who love you, then, that's who matters,

not members of the gene pool you happen to have been born into.

RE Tennessee , I think each of his works could be subtitled: " ...the

story of a dysfunctional, personality-disordered family. " I love 'em!

-Annie

>

> Yes, part of the hardest blow for me to swallow upon realization was how the

whole extended family (which are the not close children of an alcoholic/npd

household) perceived me as the critical problematic one while the two big npds

in my family are seen as the lovely martyred women. Of course everyone lives

3000 miles away from each other and doesn't see each other but once every few

years or so, and they are basing my assumptions on nada and aunts personal

vendetta against me so god only knows the lies and distortions.

>

> Then it kind of dawned on me how they need that problematic person to take on

all the blame, and perhaps I am in danger of becoming a martyr myself for even

thinking it, but it's kind of what sick systems do. It is horribly unfair, but

at the end of the day I'm glad i'm not a pd myself. I am kind of getting that I

don't need to take on their burden anymore. How they choose to think of me is

there business and I have no control over it. Also am lucky in that an uncle

and cousin have actually become closer after nadas death last summer and cousin

and i were raised by sisters and our sharing our stories of abuse (ironically

mom projected her hate of sister onto me).

>

> So I guess the question for me becomes how do we release that frustration and

achieve transcendence?

>

> and back to the topics of books, movies, and lit - anyone else love tennessee

williams?

>

> SR

>

[Guest guest]

I used to hate the phrase " Well thats your Mother. "

Most have no idea. I had one of my wifes aunts, who was quite close to

me before I married my wife, tell us both very bluntly, " Whatever you

do, don t let her move in with you. It will destroy your marriage. "

She got it.

Many , I found as an adult, who had known us when I was a kid, were

worried, and thought she was not right, but didnt know what to do about

it.

My answer for those like your cousin became, " Really? You think so?

Because she always liked you. I m sure she would be happy living with

you. "

Which had the same effect as saying Shut the ____ UP!

Doug

>

> Does anyone else get frustrated by the lack of understanding shown by

members of their extended family? I have cousins who know how nada

treated me, and they are my friends, yet they seem unable to comprehend

that i don't ever want her to come and live with me (under no

circumstances would i allow that to happen). I also had a cousin tell me

the other day that my nada would have supported me if i'd got pregnant

at 17 (which this particular cousin did). There's no way nada would have

supported me - she even said at the time why didn't my aunt just make my

cousin abort the child!!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie, that is exactly right and just what I needed to hear. Apologies

for the belated reply . . . was out of town and w/o computer and I have the

tendonitis now from too much iphone so not to good on multi syllabic replies.

The family is viewed as such a cult like institution that i find myself

unintentionally going back into that default but why can't they see pounding my

fists mode at times. I constantly have to remind myself who cares. Yet

ironically, that has been my armor forever, because of course, we can never win

so it's who cares.

But yes, if we can have a few authentic relationships, people who support and

love us and move us forward, that is more than good enough.

Cheers!

SR

> >

> > Yes, part of the hardest blow for me to swallow upon realization was how the

whole extended family (which are the not close children of an alcoholic/npd

household) perceived me as the critical problematic one while the two big npds

in my family are seen as the lovely martyred women. Of course everyone lives

3000 miles away from each other and doesn't see each other but once every few

years or so, and they are basing my assumptions on nada and aunts personal

vendetta against me so god only knows the lies and distortions.

> >

> > Then it kind of dawned on me how they need that problematic person to take

on all the blame, and perhaps I am in danger of becoming a martyr myself for

even thinking it, but it's kind of what sick systems do. It is horribly unfair,

but at the end of the day I'm glad i'm not a pd myself. I am kind of getting

that I don't need to take on their burden anymore. How they choose to think of

me is there business and I have no control over it. Also am lucky in that an

uncle and cousin have actually become closer after nadas death last summer and

cousin and i were raised by sisters and our sharing our stories of abuse

(ironically mom projected her hate of sister onto me).

> >

> > So I guess the question for me becomes how do we release that frustration

and achieve transcendence?

> >

> > and back to the topics of books, movies, and lit - anyone else love

tennessee williams?

> >

> > SR

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, oh my gosh, if I hear " well, she's your mother " one more time I am going

to scream. I have been trying to explain to some family members how hurt I am by

nada's most recent smear campaign and, while they get why I am hurt, they expect

things to " go back to normal " like they always did in the past becuase we have

all gotten used to pretending that her tantrums and abusive behavior never

happened as soon as they passed. Well, guess what??? Not me! Not this time!!

Even if the rest of my family doesnt have boundaries, I have started to set mine

and am doing my best to stick to them so if they don't understand it, well, I

guess I will have to mourn the loss of them too. (PS, sorry for the small

rant...I'm a little angry with nada at the moment...insert embarassed face

here).

> >

> > Does anyone else get frustrated by the lack of understanding shown by

> members of their extended family? I have cousins who know how nada

> treated me, and they are my friends, yet they seem unable to comprehend

> that i don't ever want her to come and live with me (under no

> circumstances would i allow that to happen). I also had a cousin tell me

> the other day that my nada would have supported me if i'd got pregnant

> at 17 (which this particular cousin did). There's no way nada would have

> supported me - she even said at the time why didn't my aunt just make my

> cousin abort the child!!!!

> >

>