Distinct differences between the KO's in detaching

[Guest guest]

I started reading Daughters of Madness. Not a fun read. The description early in

the book of how mother and baby bond was an eye opener. I have observed an

intensity to my nada that I call " sucking the life " out of infants. The book

confirms my suspicions.

I have reached the adolescent period, and frankly feel somewhat jealous that

most of these women interviewed had mothers that got so bad they had to be

hospitalized. What wonderful validation! Kind of hard to be gaslighted by nada

that YOU are wrong when she's sitting in a rubber room. The secret was out--the

whole world knew nada was nuts. I think it's the covert aspect to my life with

nada that has made this situation so unbearable at times.

My sister doesn't understand why I need to put myself through this (diagnosing

mom, reading books about mental illness/BPD). I just want to understand my

mother. For my sister, she doesn't care to know--the only thing she understands

is that mom is not a 'mother' and that sis will never get what she needs from

her--and stopped trying to get emotional support from her many, many years ago.

I am wondering if the differences between us stems from the fact that my nada

painted my sister all black for most of her life, while I was the golden,

enmeshed kid. I was the kid that got intermittent reinforcement, whereas sis was

the one always rejected. Her road was tougher growing up, but she's having an

easier time of detaching from nada.

[Guest guest]

I think you're right that hospitalization helps prevent

gaslighting. My nada ended up in a mental hospital when I was

about 16, after some particularly crazy behavior including a

faked suicide attempt. That not only helped me explain to other

people that my mother was crazy, it also helped my father to be

able to get her out of our house without any kind of battle over

custody or property. Thirty-some years later, nobody who knows

nada knows about any of that stuff. Too many people who know her

casually see her as a nice older lady. But *I* still know she's

crazy.

Your ideas about the differences between you and your sister

make sense to me too. I don't think detaching is easier for

everyone who gets painted black all the time because some people

seem to react to that by continually trying harder to please,

but it makes sense to me that it would be easier to give up on a

relationship if you've never gotten anything good out of it.

At 10:14 AM 08/17/2011 echobabe_is_free wrote:

>I started reading Daughters of Madness. Not a fun read. The

>description early in the book of how mother and baby bond was

>an eye opener. I have observed an intensity to my nada that I

>call " sucking the life " out of infants. The book confirms my

>suspicions.

>

>I have reached the adolescent period, and frankly feel somewhat

>jealous that most of these women interviewed had mothers that

>got so bad they had to be hospitalized. What wonderful

>validation! Kind of hard to be gaslighted by nada that YOU are

>wrong when she's sitting in a rubber room. The secret was

>out--the whole world knew nada was nuts. I think it's the

>covert aspect to my life with nada that has made this situation

>so unbearable at times.

>

>My sister doesn't understand why I need to put myself through

>this (diagnosing mom, reading books about mental illness/BPD).

>I just want to understand my mother. For my sister, she doesn't

>care to know--the only thing she understands is that mom is not

>a 'mother' and that sis will never get what she needs from

>her--and stopped trying to get emotional support from her many,

>many years ago.

>

>I am wondering if the differences between us stems from the

>fact that my nada painted my sister all black for most of her

>life, while I was the golden, enmeshed kid. I was the kid that

>got intermittent reinforcement, whereas sis was the one always

>rejected. Her road was tougher growing up, but she's having an

>easier time of detaching from nada.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

From my own experiences and my own perspective, I think you are dead-on

accurate.

Intermittent reinforcement is like super-glue; its the basis of gambling

addiction.

In my opinion its much, MUCH harder for those of us who were sometimes treated

well, intermittently, to break away from an abusive parent.

Its only now that my nada has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and her abusive

behaviors are no longer covert, but blatant, than I feel validated. I can

safely feel pity for her now, and will even break No Contact with a visit in a

couple of months.

So, I agree with your insights completely, they really resonate with me.

-Annie

>

> I started reading Daughters of Madness. Not a fun read. The description early

in the book of how mother and baby bond was an eye opener. I have observed an

intensity to my nada that I call " sucking the life " out of infants. The book

confirms my suspicions.

>

> I have reached the adolescent period, and frankly feel somewhat jealous that

most of these women interviewed had mothers that got so bad they had to be

hospitalized. What wonderful validation! Kind of hard to be gaslighted by nada

that YOU are wrong when she's sitting in a rubber room. The secret was out--the

whole world knew nada was nuts. I think it's the covert aspect to my life with

nada that has made this situation so unbearable at times.

>

> My sister doesn't understand why I need to put myself through this (diagnosing

mom, reading books about mental illness/BPD). I just want to understand my

mother. For my sister, she doesn't care to know--the only thing she understands

is that mom is not a 'mother' and that sis will never get what she needs from

her--and stopped trying to get emotional support from her many, many years ago.

>

> I am wondering if the differences between us stems from the fact that my nada

painted my sister all black for most of her life, while I was the golden,

enmeshed kid. I was the kid that got intermittent reinforcement, whereas sis was

the one always rejected. Her road was tougher growing up, but she's having an

easier time of detaching from nada.

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry if I missed this--didn't you used to be simply Echobabe, and now you're

Echobabe is free? That's excellent!

--ChhC

> >

> > I started reading Daughters of Madness. Not a fun read. The description

early in the book of how mother and baby bond was an eye opener. I have observed

an intensity to my nada that I call " sucking the life " out of infants. The book

confirms my suspicions.

> >

> > I have reached the adolescent period, and frankly feel somewhat jealous that

most of these women interviewed had mothers that got so bad they had to be

hospitalized. What wonderful validation! Kind of hard to be gaslighted by nada

that YOU are wrong when she's sitting in a rubber room. The secret was out--the

whole world knew nada was nuts. I think it's the covert aspect to my life with

nada that has made this situation so unbearable at times.

> >

> > My sister doesn't understand why I need to put myself through this

(diagnosing mom, reading books about mental illness/BPD). I just want to

understand my mother. For my sister, she doesn't care to know--the only thing

she understands is that mom is not a 'mother' and that sis will never get what

she needs from her--and stopped trying to get emotional support from her many,

many years ago.

> >

> > I am wondering if the differences between us stems from the fact that my

nada painted my sister all black for most of her life, while I was the golden,

enmeshed kid. I was the kid that got intermittent reinforcement, whereas sis was

the one always rejected. Her road was tougher growing up, but she's having an

easier time of detaching from nada.

> >

>