Reading UTBM and dealing with snarky comments

August 17, 2011

Hi all,

So I have just read UTBM. And I can't help but feeling really emotionally

drained from it these past few days. I have been able to categorize my nada as a

hermit with queen and witch tendencies. Hermit she fits 90% of what was

described. It also made me realize that all my anxiety and panic attacks I was

experiences came from HER.

I was in a situation where I was unhappy with my relationship with my boyfriend

and living with him but felt trapped in the relationship because of our lease.

it triggered more anxiety and panic attacks than I had ever experienced before

in my whole life. (Granted I am only 21 ) Anyway, i've been feeling more

depressed the past few days. I think it's just from being drained from always

thinking about issues with my mother and having it on my mind. But I am glad

that I am coming to all kinds of realizations and dealing with things and

learning more about what the hell has been wrong with my mother my whole life.

It's been hard for people around me to understand to. So I have been spending

time either rehashing old painful stories to help them get it, or being

frustrated that I'm not getting the validation that I want. (I think I need to

go back to therapy)

Has anyone else felt the same way?

Also I'm having a hard time trying to decide what kinds of boundaries to set. I

know what triggers her in conversation and is a guaranteed argument but what I

want to address are the snarky little comments she makes in the middle of

conversation. I'm assuming you all know what I mean, that one little thing she

can say that can set you off, ruin your mood, etc. To outsiders, the comment

might seem a big deal, but to you, you know the deeper meaning- the tone change,

the judgement, the past history behind it- knowing what it REALLY means and

bringing up all the past crap that's happened.

For example I was showing my nada a new dress I had bought and she said it was

" very african looking " I gave her a confused look knowing she meant something

not so nice by it. And she shrugged with a little smirk on her face and said,

" well you're the one who has to wear it " . (She has a bit of a racist side to

her which drives me nuts). I managed to brush it off and ignore it but it's

little things she says to taint any " good time " we have together. It's not like

she was trying to pick a huge fight but it was enough to ruin my mood.

Just recently she called me early in the morning and woke me up and then said,

" well I'll just let you go, you always were a grouch in the morning. "

It's little comments like that I have a hard time dealing with as much as the

big stuff where she flips out.

Any advice on how to deal with the little stuff? I'm not sure if I should just

let it go or address it head on. Whenever I address anything head on though

there is no making her see that she is saying anything wrong.

Thanks again for all the help and support.

Happy days to you all.

August 17, 2011

Hi ,

My point of view is that when or if you reach the point that you realize that

you no longer *need* your nada's attention, her approval, or her validation (in

the same way that you did need this as a child) it will naturally happen that

you'll set boundaries with her.

You'll notice that you won't anticipate sharing little things with her like your

joy at buying a new dress, because you know that she is going to find some way

to s**t on your new dress, so to speak. So you'll stop sharing the details of

your life with her; you just won't bring them up.

This creation of emotional distance is sometimes called " detachment " .

You'll think of things like putting your phone on " no ring " so her calls can't

wake you up and will go directly to voice message. That way you can decide

whether to respond to her message or not, after you listen to it. If you listen

to it.

Its hard for us adult children of bpd mothers (in particular) to get to that

point of realizing that we're never going to get that approval, attention and

validation that we needed desperately as children, and its OK to stop trying for

it. We come to accept that that well is dry, so to speak.

And one way to get past that need for nada to appreciate and validate us is to

get attention, approval and validation from friends, bosses, teachers,

significant others or from one's spouse.

So when you start cutting back on the intimacy/sharing with nada, cutting back

on the amount of time you spend communicating with her, there will be fewer and

fewer opportunities for her to s**t or p**s on you.

That (in my opinion) is the physical equivalent of what they're doing to us when

they denigrate us, put us down, insult us, insult our tastes and our values, and

try to shame or humiliate us.

Just my two cents' worth, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

> So I have just read UTBM. And I can't help but feeling really emotionally

drained from it these past few days. I have been able to categorize my nada as a

hermit with queen and witch tendencies. Hermit she fits 90% of what was

described. It also made me realize that all my anxiety and panic attacks I was

experiences came from HER.

> I was in a situation where I was unhappy with my relationship with my

boyfriend and living with him but felt trapped in the relationship because of

our lease. it triggered more anxiety and panic attacks than I had ever

experienced before in my whole life. (Granted I am only 21 ) Anyway, i've been

feeling more depressed the past few days. I think it's just from being drained

from always thinking about issues with my mother and having it on my mind. But I

am glad that I am coming to all kinds of realizations and dealing with things

and learning more about what the hell has been wrong with my mother my whole

life. It's been hard for people around me to understand to. So I have been

spending time either rehashing old painful stories to help them get it, or being

frustrated that I'm not getting the validation that I want. (I think I need to

go back to therapy)

> Has anyone else felt the same way?

>

> Also I'm having a hard time trying to decide what kinds of boundaries to set.

I know what triggers her in conversation and is a guaranteed argument but what I

want to address are the snarky little comments she makes in the middle of

conversation. I'm assuming you all know what I mean, that one little thing she

can say that can set you off, ruin your mood, etc. To outsiders, the comment

might seem a big deal, but to you, you know the deeper meaning- the tone change,

the judgement, the past history behind it- knowing what it REALLY means and

bringing up all the past crap that's happened.

> For example I was showing my nada a new dress I had bought and she said it was

" very african looking " I gave her a confused look knowing she meant something

not so nice by it. And she shrugged with a little smirk on her face and said,

" well you're the one who has to wear it " . (She has a bit of a racist side to

her which drives me nuts). I managed to brush it off and ignore it but it's

little things she says to taint any " good time " we have together. It's not like

she was trying to pick a huge fight but it was enough to ruin my mood.

> Just recently she called me early in the morning and woke me up and then said,

" well I'll just let you go, you always were a grouch in the morning. "

> It's little comments like that I have a hard time dealing with as much as the

big stuff where she flips out.

> Any advice on how to deal with the little stuff? I'm not sure if I should just

let it go or address it head on. Whenever I address anything head on though

there is no making her see that she is saying anything wrong.

> Thanks again for all the help and support.

> Happy days to you all.

>

August 17, 2011

,

I am 45 and let me tell you they do not change. You are the one who has to

change your thought patterns. I know how easy it is to let your Nada get to you.

It can be the most energy draining thing there is even if it is a small comment.

It can ruin you day or week. I too struggled with the anxiety and panic attacks

and spent years in therapy on and off and found that the hypnotherapy worked the

best. I still struggle with the anxiety but the panic attacks are almost non

existent. Give it a try it might just help. My Nada is a Queen/Waif. If that

isn't a struggle LOL! Your situation is so similar to mine. It does help to

have a hobby or something to do that is just yours and does not involve your

Nada in anyway. That way when you are feeling that drain you can get away from

it and just give yourself a mental break. Trust me you deserve it. It is NOT

easy growing up with someone with BPD and you are not alone as you can see.

Remember you can't fix them. Find a way to take care of yourself first. This is

one of the hardest things for a KO to do, I struggle with it constantly but do

try. Try to limit the amount of time you talk to her. It is not your

responsibility to validate their existence or opinions. There are times mine

calls 10 times a day and I know how hard it is not to answer that phone.

Bringing up the past is a recipe for disaster with a Nada as they think they

have nothing wrong with them that it is everyone else or someone else's fault

for the way that the have acted. Hypno-therapy is a great help with letting go

of past hurt and unless you confide is someone who has experienced a BP people

tend to think you exaggerate a lot and that can be frustrating and leave you

very misunderstood. Hope this was helpful to you

and remember to be kind to yourself.

KT

Reading UTBM and dealing with snarky comments

Hi all,

So I have just read UTBM. And I can't help but feeling really emotionally

drained from it these past few days. I have been able to categorize my nada as a

hermit with queen and witch tendencies. Hermit she fits 90% of what was

described. It also made me realize that all my anxiety and panic attacks I was

experiences came from HER.

I was in a situation where I was unhappy with my relationship with my