everything goes back to normal

[Guest guest]

So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls today and

chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is, I don't even

know anymore.

Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to pretend,

pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits and I live too

far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent to, most of the

relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I have very few friends

where we live. I can't even post a frustrated comment on facebook because the

relatives on there will go straight to her. I'm hesitant to post on here even

though I have selected a generic name.

How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up? Pretending

everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

PC

[Guest guest]

((hugs)) You have my sympathy--it is indeed 'crazymaking.'

>

> So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls today and

chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is, I don't even

know anymore.

>

> Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to pretend,

pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits and I live too

far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent to, most of the

relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I have very few friends

where we live. I can't even post a frustrated comment on facebook because the

relatives on there will go straight to her. I'm hesitant to post on here even

though I have selected a generic name.

>

> How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up? Pretending

everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

>

> PC

>

[Guest guest]

Of course. They never " remember " any bad behaviors. If they do at

all, they gaslight them to the old games, well you should have known, I

was just kidding, you are too sensitive.

Pretend Hell!

She is a sick, abusive , mentally ill woman. You have every right to

believe that, and to act accordingly. It is not F ing normal. ( Sorry,

nada behavior and a Jack and Coke has the Irish sailor in me fuming! )

Yes, you DO know, it is NOT normal, or acceptable, the way she acts.

She doesnt come with a guarentee of being able to screw up your life

because you popped out of her. If any other person besides her treated

you as she does, how much relationship would you have with them?

Make friends. Grieve the loss of the FOO members who are flying

monkeys, and slice them off. Think of it as a big butted Easter ham.

Slice off the ends so it will fit in the roasting pan of your life, and

don t cook the hard stuff you can t chew.

If your only in that family is pretend , which if you think about it

means let nada win every time, then wave good bye to them and wish them

luck living with her craziness.

But that doesnt mean you have to.

By the way, you have every right to be pissed!

Doug

>

> So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is,

I don't even know anymore.

>

> Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I

have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

name.

>

> How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

>

> PC

>

[Guest guest]

Doug,

Thanks. I have dealt with this situation so well for so long and now it's just

really getting to me. Maybe I wasn't dealing with it at all and it has just

built up. I'm not sure. I just want her to go away and not be predictably BPD

for once.

I dream of moving somewhere crazy that is super far away, but realize that with

phones and internet it really doesn't make a difference where I go. It's all

the same. There is no escape.

PC

> >

> > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

> today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is,

> I don't even know anymore.

> >

> > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

> and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

> to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I

> have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

> comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

> her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

> name.

> >

> > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> >

> > PC

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Truly, and sadly, by necessity we KOs often find that we have to create our own

safe distance from an abusive bpd parent by our own efforts and actions.

The bpd parent usually can't or won't change, so its up to us to " rescue "

ourselves, create firm protective boundaries and enforce consequences for

boundary violation.

Physical distance does help with this, actually. My bpd/npd/ocpd mother

couldn't just drop in on me unexpectedly since we lived 2K miles apart from each

other. But I had to consciously and actively NOT answer her phone calls instead

of automatically picking up the phone.

It wasn't easy. In fact, in my own case, I was so thoroughly conditioned to not

stand up to my nada, that I discovered that the only thing that really worked to

protect me was to go totally No Contact. My Sister, however, was able to

remain in limited or Low Contact with firm boundaries in place. Although Sister

had to go No Contact temporarily sometimes, she consciously chose to not

completely divorce herself from our mother; that's what worked best for my

Sister.

So, the journey is about discovering what will work best for you, in your own

individual circumstances.

-Annie

> > >

> > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

> > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is,

> > I don't even know anymore.

> > >

> > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

> > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

> > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I

> > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

> > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

> > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

> > name.

> > >

> > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > >

> > > PC

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You don't have to pretend.

If you like, when they come back around acting like nothing happened, you can

confront them about the unresolved conflict. " I'm glad you called. That will

give us a chance to talk about X. "

This is a pattern in dysfunctional families--have a big blow-out or tantrum that

doesn't actually resolve anything, then wake up the next day and pretend you're

the cleavers. It's very unhealthy.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Where is the 'highfive' button??? I'm on the same page with Doug!

My family does the ignore/pretend it thing, too. My therapist once asked...why

call her back on the third day then? I paused and said, well because that's what

we all just do. She she asked 'and what do you talk about. Ummm...the weather

and what's coming up in the next few weeks...dysfuuuunction! That's when I

realized I can change it. Boundaries, medium chill, LC, and no longer seeking a

normal relationship are my answer to dealing with it. (some days...and silently

screaming and eft tapping added in on other days)

You're not alone, we're here and we've all been through it too. I know it's hard

to talk about to others and it is so isolating. But you've come to a good spot

and it's safe to vent here! PLEASE vent, when I hear others venting, I feel so

at home and not alone. The similarities of our experiences amaze me. We

definitely aren't alone in all of this.

> > >

> > > So after no phone call on Easter and nothing yesterday, nada calls

> > today and chats like everything is just normal and so do I. Maybe it is,

> > I don't even know anymore.

> > >

> > > Basically the only choice I have in this family situation is to

> > pretend, pretend, pretend. I feel so isolated. Counselling had limits

> > and I live too far from things to continue. I have no siblings to vent

> > to, most of the relatives have abandoned me because I talk to her, and I

> > have very few friends where we live. I can't even post a frustrated

> > comment on facebook because the relatives on there will go straight to

> > her. I'm hesitant to post on here even though I have selected a generic

> > name.

> > >

> > > How long can I keep pretending? How long can I keep this up?

> > Pretending everything is wonderful and normal and it's just not.

> > >

> > > PC

> > >

> >

>