Nada's smear campaign worked

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my wedding.

I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe her

version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light possible...i'm

selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get the RSVPs back

in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her smear campaign.

Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not one. I was hurt

about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when I found out her

brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly supportive and actually

told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no longer coming. He told me it

was just too expensive and that they wanted to use the money for other things

like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is not tight for this man, not

in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my mom he simply said that he

wasn't getting in the middle of it.

I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

Tucket

[Guest guest]

Tucket,

I'm sorry your nada's family members are acting that way. I

think it is their loss if they don't want to come to your

wedding. Don't let them make it into your loss and don't let

them make you feel bad. Enjoy the fact that your friends, the

other side of your family, and your fiance's family are all

coming to the wedding. They're the people who are worthy of your

care, not your nada's family who aren't supportive. If they are

all making the effort to attend, that should tell you that they

value you and that you're not a bad person.

I'd recommend against bringing up the subject of your mother

when you talk to her family members. You won't win if you make

them feel like you're putting them in the middle, whether that's

your intention or not. People don't like feeling like they are

in the middle of a battle between people they care about. It

doesn't matter whether one side is right and one is wrong,

people just don't want to get forced into the middle of it. If

your nada has been going on at them about you, which sounds

likely, their failure to come to your wedding may be more about

feeling put in the middle than about actually believing her

smear campaign. It may be that they just want to avoid her

anger. Staying home is an easy choice when compared to standing

up to an angry person with BPD.

At 03:09 PM 04/10/2012 tucket720 wrote:

>Hi everyone,

>

>I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my

>wedding. Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes

>out. Didnt know what else to do but write.

>

>I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to

>come to my wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact

>that she would always believe her version of the story (which

>of course casts me in the worst light possible...i'm selfish,

>i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get the

>RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she

>did with her smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is

>attending my wedding. Not one. I was hurt about a few people

>but today, what brought me to tears, was when I found out her

>brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

>supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to

>come, is no longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive

>and that they wanted to use the money for other things

>like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is not tight

>for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I

>brought up my mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the

>middle of it.

>

>I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one

>seems to remember or believe that the only reason we are having

>our wedding on the west coast (all of our family is on the east

>coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan the wedding

>on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign

>stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we

>made it in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends

>(who are all early in their careers, starting families, etc)

>can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

>fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but

>her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think

>something more is going on. How can my relationships with her

>family be so conditional.

>

>I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for

>listening.

>

>Tucket

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

This sounds exactly like what happened to me at my wedding (except no one had to

spend a lot of money to make arrangements or anything). They just didn't show up

- no one from nada's or fada's family. They called everyone and told them not to

come, apparently. Lovely people! Nada's aunt did send a nice card, and I never

will forget that - nice to know we have at least one halfway decent person in

the family. I've never told nada about that because I'm certain her aunt would

get in a lot of " trouble " for it. Â

You're not the bad person. She is. I have to continually tell myself this. I am

NOT the selfish, mean one (and I imagine that you are not, either). It's just

that nadas are so good at manipulating people. They make people believe that

THEY are the victims. THEY are the loving, caring, misused, and mistreated ones.

We adult children just have to get to the point where we realize that we are the

only ones who can actually see the truth. Yes, it's hard, and it sucks that no

one from your family will be at your wedding. I had, like, 50 people at mine.

But they were all people who genuinely cared about ME and my husband, and none

of nada's drama was anywhere around to spoil the day for us. Perfect!Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 3:09 PM

Subject: Nada's smear campaign worked

Â

Hi everyone,

I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my wedding.

I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe her

version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light possible...i'm

selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get the RSVPs back

in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her smear campaign.

Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not one. I was hurt

about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when I found out her

brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly supportive and actually

told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no longer coming. He told me it

was just too expensive and that they wanted to use the money for other things

like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is not tight for this man, not

in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my mom he simply said that he

wasn't getting in

the middle of it.

I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

Tucket

[Guest guest]

Thanks Katrina and Alice,

I really needed these reminders. It is really tough to be one of the only people

in the family that understand nada's behavior as BPD behavior. I know that

others find her behavior bizarre and obnoxious but I don't think they know why

so it does seem easier to just go along with things in order to avoid her anger.

I find it really hard to not think that I am deluding myself but this place

really helps me to stay firm.

Alice, I " m wondering how you moved forward with your family after the wedding?

Did you speak to those that did not attend? Did it affect your relationship with

them? Obviously this just happened now and I know I'm angry but I find myself

thinking that I dont want to be around them. I just feel so hurt and dont know

how to put that behind me and have a fun ol' time over Turkey dinner, you know?

>

> This sounds exactly like what happened to me at my wedding (except no one had

to spend a lot of money to make arrangements or anything). They just didn't show

up - no one from nada's or fada's family. They called everyone and told them not

to come, apparently. Lovely people! Nada's aunt did send a nice card, and I

never will forget that - nice to know we have at least one halfway decent person

in the family. I've never told nada about that because I'm certain her aunt

would get in a lot of " trouble " for it. Â

>

> You're not the bad person. She is. I have to continually tell myself this. I

am NOT the selfish, mean one (and I imagine that you are not, either). It's just

that nadas are so good at manipulating people. They make people believe that

THEY are the victims. THEY are the loving, caring, misused, and mistreated ones.

We adult children just have to get to the point where we realize that we are the

only ones who can actually see the truth. Yes, it's hard, and it sucks that no

one from your family will be at your wedding. I had, like, 50 people at mine.

But they were all people who genuinely cared about ME and my husband, and none

of nada's drama was anywhere around to spoil the day for us. Perfect!Â

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 3:09 PM

> Subject: Nada's smear campaign worked

>

>

> Â

> Hi everyone,

>

> I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

>

> I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in

> the middle of it.

>

> I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

>

> I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

>

> Tucket

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Tucket. Honestly, the only ones I have much contact with anymore at all are

my grandmother (nada's mother), her aunt (the one who sent the card), and nada's

cousin (who has a little boy about the same age as my older daughter). We never

have had huge family gatherings. We used to when nada's grandmother was alive,

but since her death, all her children and grandchildren just started having

their own family get togethers. So, my contact with them is limited at best. We

don't talk about my wedding, and we don't talk about nada. And that's how we

keep things " normal " for us.Â

I will say it's been almost five years since my wedding, so I have had some time

to get over some of the hurt of people not showing up and gain perspective about

the whole thing. Right after the wedding? No. I didn't have any contact with any

of the no-shows except for nada's aunt, who got a nice " thank you " card in

return for her acknowledgment of my existence.Â

I think I needed that time to " heal " and distance myself from those people and

that situation. I didn't even talk to nada again for, like, a month after the

wedding. You should probably take a break from everything and everyone. Just

take some time for yourself to enjoy the wedding and the honeymoon. Worry about

everyone else AFTER you focus on yourself and your marriage. That's the most

important relationship for you at this point in time. And everyone should be

able to understand that - well, maybe everyone except your nada.Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:37 PM

Subject: Re: Nada's smear campaign worked

Â

Thanks Katrina and Alice,

I really needed these reminders. It is really tough to be one of the only people

in the family that understand nada's behavior as BPD behavior. I know that

others find her behavior bizarre and obnoxious but I don't think they know why

so it does seem easier to just go along with things in order to avoid her anger.

I find it really hard to not think that I am deluding myself but this place

really helps me to stay firm.

Alice, I " m wondering how you moved forward with your family after the wedding?

Did you speak to those that did not attend? Did it affect your relationship with

them? Obviously this just happened now and I know I'm angry but I find myself

thinking that I dont want to be around them. I just feel so hurt and dont know

how to put that behind me and have a fun ol' time over Turkey dinner, you know?

>

> This sounds exactly like what happened to me at my wedding (except no one had

to spend a lot of money to make arrangements or anything). They just didn't show

up - no one from nada's or fada's family. They called everyone and told them not

to come, apparently. Lovely people! Nada's aunt did send a nice card, and I

never will forget that - nice to know we have at least one halfway decent person

in the family. I've never told nada about that because I'm certain her aunt

would get in a lot of " trouble " for it. ÂÂ

>

> You're not the bad person. She is. I have to continually tell myself this. I

am NOT the selfish, mean one (and I imagine that you are not, either). It's just

that nadas are so good at manipulating people. They make people believe that

THEY are the victims. THEY are the loving, caring, misused, and mistreated ones.

We adult children just have to get to the point where we realize that we are the

only ones who can actually see the truth. Yes, it's hard, and it sucks that no

one from your family will be at your wedding. I had, like, 50 people at mine.

But they were all people who genuinely cared about ME and my husband, and none

of nada's drama was anywhere around to spoil the day for us. Perfect!ÂÂ

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 3:09 PM

> Subject: Nada's smear campaign worked

>

>

> ÂÂ

> Hi everyone,

>

> I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

>

> I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting

in

> the middle of it.

>

> I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

>

> I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

>

> Tucket

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Alice. Your message and support brought tears to my eyes. Its hard for

me to believe that it is ok to be happy and it is ok for me to be angry. I'm

gonna cry it out today, see my T. tonight, and then try to move on tomorrow.

> >

> > This sounds exactly like what happened to me at my wedding (except no one

had to spend a lot of money to make arrangements or anything). They just didn't

show up - no one from nada's or fada's family. They called everyone and told

them not to come, apparently. Lovely people! Nada's aunt did send a nice card,

and I never will forget that - nice to know we have at least one halfway decent

person in the family. I've never told nada about that because I'm certain her

aunt would get in a lot of " trouble " for it. ÂÂ

> >

> > You're not the bad person. She is. I have to continually tell myself this. I

am NOT the selfish, mean one (and I imagine that you are not, either). It's just

that nadas are so good at manipulating people. They make people believe that

THEY are the victims. THEY are the loving, caring, misused, and mistreated ones.

We adult children just have to get to the point where we realize that we are the

only ones who can actually see the truth. Yes, it's hard, and it sucks that no

one from your family will be at your wedding. I had, like, 50 people at mine.

But they were all people who genuinely cared about ME and my husband, and none

of nada's drama was anywhere around to spoil the day for us. Perfect!ÂÂ

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: tucket720 <tucket720@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 3:09 PM

> > Subject: Nada's smear campaign worked

> >

> >

> > ÂÂ

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding.

Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else

to do but write.

> >

> > I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting

> in

> > the middle of it.

> >

> > I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to

remember or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west

coast (all of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to

help us plan the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about

somethign stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it

in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in

their careers, starting families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can

make it work, and my fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy),

but her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is

going on. How can my relationships with her family be so conditional.

> >

> > I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Tucket

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

So glad I could encourage you. :-)Â I hope you have a beautiful, stress-free (as

much as possible) wedding.Â

It's absolutely OK to be happy and angry at the same time. The anger does

diminish over time, but hopefully the happiness won't!Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 5:03 PM

Subject: Re: Nada's smear campaign worked

Â

Thanks, Alice. Your message and support brought tears to my eyes. Its hard for

me to believe that it is ok to be happy and it is ok for me to be angry. I'm

gonna cry it out today, see my T. tonight, and then try to move on tomorrow.

> >

> > This sounds exactly like what happened to me at my wedding (except no one

had to spend a lot of money to make arrangements or anything). They just didn't

show up - no one from nada's or fada's family. They called everyone and told

them not to come, apparently. Lovely people! Nada's aunt did send a nice card,

and I never will forget that - nice to know we have at least one halfway decent

person in the family. I've never told nada about that because I'm certain her

aunt would get in a lot of " trouble " for it. ÂÂÂ

> >

> > You're not the bad person. She is. I have to continually tell myself this. I

am NOT the selfish, mean one (and I imagine that you are not, either). It's just

that nadas are so good at manipulating people. They make people believe that

THEY are the victims. THEY are the loving, caring, misused, and mistreated ones.

We adult children just have to get to the point where we realize that we are the

only ones who can actually see the truth. Yes, it's hard, and it sucks that no

one from your family will be at your wedding. I had, like, 50 people at mine.

But they were all people who genuinely cared about ME and my husband, and none

of nada's drama was anywhere around to spoil the day for us. Perfect!ÂÂÂ

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: tucket720 <tucket720@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 3:09 PM

> > Subject: Nada's smear campaign worked

> >

> >

> > ÂÂÂ

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding.

Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else

to do but write.

> >

> > I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting

> in

> > the middle of it.

> >

> > I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to

remember or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west

coast (all of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to

help us plan the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about

somethign stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it

in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in

their careers, starting families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can

make it work, and my fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy),

but her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is

going on. How can my relationships with her family be so conditional.

> >

> > I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Tucket

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Her side of the family is dysfunctional, multi-generational dysfunctional. The

accepted " normal " is to not buck the person who is raging, manipulating.

Everyone just goes along--easier to go along than to get blasted and ostracized

too.

I am sure you are devastated--both hurt and ashamed, as if it is your fault that

these people cannot behave normally. It is NOT your fault. You can't fix them,

they will not " come around. " They would sooner cut you out of the family than

admit there is something wrong at the family core!

I know it will be hard to process this kick in the gut from them, but this type

of behavior is childish and hateful. They leave no compromise open (on purpose).

Celebrate those wonderful friends of yours, and your fiance's family. You do not

have your family's support, never did actually (not enough) and likely never

will (unless one of them gets kicked in the gut too, and then looks you up to

find camaraderie).

((hugs))

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

>

> I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it.

>

> I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

>

> I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

>

> Tucket

>

[Guest guest]

My Nada was not at my wedding either. I had an older couple who were friends

stand up for me as my " parents " . Love Wayne Dyers quote " friends are God's way

of apologizing for your family. " . Enjoy those with you. Take lots of pictures

and revel in the joy of the person you are choosing to spend your life with.

Sent from my iPhone which makes me very cool and gives me the appearance of

being important and technologically savvy.

> Her side of the family is dysfunctional, multi-generational dysfunctional. The

accepted " normal " is to not buck the person who is raging, manipulating.

Everyone just goes along--easier to go along than to get blasted and ostracized

too.

>

> I am sure you are devastated--both hurt and ashamed, as if it is your fault

that these people cannot behave normally. It is NOT your fault. You can't fix

them, they will not " come around. " They would sooner cut you out of the family

than admit there is something wrong at the family core!

>

> I know it will be hard to process this kick in the gut from them, but this

type of behavior is childish and hateful. They leave no compromise open (on

purpose). Celebrate those wonderful friends of yours, and your fiance's family.

You do not have your family's support, never did actually (not enough) and

likely never will (unless one of them gets kicked in the gut too, and then looks

you up to find camaraderie).

>

> ((hugs))

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding.

Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else

to do but write.

> >

> > I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it.

> >

> > I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to

remember or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west

coast (all of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to

help us plan the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about

somethign stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it

in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in

their careers, starting families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can

make it work, and my fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy),

but her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is

going on. How can my relationships with her family be so conditional.

> >

> > I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Tucket

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a great quote, and so true!

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding.

Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else

to do but write.

> > >

> > > I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it.

> > >

> > > I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to

remember or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west

coast (all of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to

help us plan the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about

somethign stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it

in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in

their careers, starting families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can

make it work, and my fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy),

but her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is

going on. How can my relationships with her family be so conditional.

> > >

> > > I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

> > >

> > > Tucket

> > >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Usually PDs don't develop in a vacuum.

Your mother has been behaving this way a long time. The people who raised her

and grew up with her are likely accustomed to enabling her if they are still in

contact with her. Oftentimes other extended family members even have PDs of

their own.

For instance, I used to think my mother was the only " problem " person in the

family. But it turns out her mother probably also had BPD, and my dad's family

was just one gigantic PD stew. So of course, he thinks everything she does is

normal and falls over himself trying to keep her happy.

I'm sure it must hurt to feel rejected by your mother's family. But in the long

run your friends are probably better people to have around. If your FOO isn't

able to act mature enough to have a relationship with you independent of your

mother, then they might not be all that safe anyway.

I hope you enjoy a happy day with the guests who truly care about you =)

[Guest guest]

You might try to help repair the damage done to your reputation by by sending

out a video dvd " documenting your day " with a short note that says something

about how you missed them, would have meant to so much to you to share your

special day, however, you still want to share a little bit with them. I'd be

willing to bet that many of the people just don't want to get in the middle of

the whole mess. If your generational dysfunction is anything like my

generational dysfunction, they know the routine and will wait for it to just

blow over, then never talk about it. It's just easier to throw you under the bus

than stand up for the appropriate action/behavior/condemnation. Which of course

permits and continues abusive behavior to the next generation. *super!* :/

[Guest guest]

These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running through

the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more sense. I'm seeing

that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled over. Who told her that

it was wrong to rip her children about of their home in the middle of the night

because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? " Who told her not to make us go

to our dad and try to repair their marriage problems? I'll tell you who,

NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not get in the middle of this (I

have certainly done that in the past and am regretting every time I did it), it

is hard for me to respect them for it. I have actually been wondering how in the

heck I am supposed to go to spend holidays with them after this. After 3 decades

of pretending everything is fine, this is the first time in my life that I am

over all the faking. I'm not going to sit and laugh with them pretending nothing

happened. I can't do that anymore. I know they don't expect this from me because

I have been the peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like raging at them and

letting them know that that person is gone!! Every time I get mad I tell myself

I shouldn't becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and am tired of

pushing my feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do with all this

anger???

>

> Usually PDs don't develop in a vacuum.

>

> Your mother has been behaving this way a long time. The people who raised her

and grew up with her are likely accustomed to enabling her if they are still in

contact with her. Oftentimes other extended family members even have PDs of

their own.

>

> For instance, I used to think my mother was the only " problem " person in the

family. But it turns out her mother probably also had BPD, and my dad's family

was just one gigantic PD stew. So of course, he thinks everything she does is

normal and falls over himself trying to keep her happy.

>

> I'm sure it must hurt to feel rejected by your mother's family. But in the

long run your friends are probably better people to have around. If your FOO

isn't able to act mature enough to have a relationship with you independent of

your mother, then they might not be all that safe anyway.

>

> I hope you enjoy a happy day with the guests who truly care about you =)

>

[Guest guest]

Its true: while righteous anger is an active, protective emotion it can also be

dangerous when we can't put it away or control it. Anger, or the power that

anger gives you to be proactive and protective, can be intoxicating. So its

really important to understand that

anger is to be used judiciously, with great care, like a huge trained attack

dog on a leash: we have to be able to control it or it can do real damage to

ourselves and to others.

A good therapist can help you learn safe, healthy ways of expressing your anger

and controlling it: putting it away when its not needed.

For me, once I was more able to calmly express my feelings in the moment in an

assertive but polite or at least civil way, instead of just bottling up my hurt

and outrage and just " taking it " (taking abuse) and letting it build up into an

unhealthy reservoir of unexpressed anger,.... once I could be " in the moment "

and be assertive " in the moment " , I found that I didn't " need " my anger so much

anymore. I could put it back more easily.

-Annie

>

> These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running

through the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more sense.

I'm seeing that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled over. Who

told her that it was wrong to rip her children about of their home in the middle

of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? " Who told her not

to make us go to our dad and try to repair their marriage problems? I'll tell

you who, NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not get in the middle of

this (I have certainly done that in the past and am regretting every time I did

it), it is hard for me to respect them for it. I have actually been wondering

how in the heck I am supposed to go to spend holidays with them after this.

After 3 decades of pretending everything is fine, this is the first time in my

life that I am over all the faking. I'm not going to sit and laugh with them

pretending nothing happened. I can't do that anymore. I know they don't expect

this from me because I have been the peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like

raging at them and letting them know that that person is gone!! Every time I get

mad I tell myself I shouldn't becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and

am tired of pushing my feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do

with all this anger???

[Guest guest]

While I do not post really I have to say that I am struck by the amped up

behavior of our BPD parents during this holiday season. I have received many

contacts after going NC with my parent this last couple of weeks and cannot help

but think that it is relative to this. I have after a lifetime of trying to

have a relationship have decided to save myself and I am free from the guilt

that has plagued me. After joining and reading letter after letter in January I

saw that I was finally one of many of you who has experienced the utter insanity

of trying to reason why. There is nothing you can do to change them but you can

change the way the way they impact your life. I know for myself a therapist

helped me many times face the realities of the many excuses and lies that I told

myself regarding her actions and behaviors. The irony being that I was her

fiercest champion yet I finally heard the hate and vitriol she spewed back from

the time I was born.

I read the reference to Nada and I also wanted to say that in Spanish it means

nothing. For me my Mother was nothing that one would equate with a loving,

caring, nurturing Mother would be to her child. I would imagine that it is the

same for many of you.

Remember to love yourself first because we all deserve that!

Take care,

Debra

> >

> > These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running

through the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more sense.

I'm seeing that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled over. Who

told her that it was wrong to rip her children about of their home in the middle

of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? " Who told her not

to make us go to our dad and try to repair their marriage problems? I'll tell

you who, NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not get in the middle of

this (I have certainly done that in the past and am regretting every time I did

it), it is hard for me to respect them for it. I have actually been wondering

how in the heck I am supposed to go to spend holidays with them after this.

After 3 decades of pretending everything is fine, this is the first time in my

life that I am over all the faking. I'm not going to sit and laugh with them

pretending nothing happened. I can't do that anymore. I know they don't expect

this from me because I have been the peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like

raging at them and letting them know that that person is gone!! Every time I get

mad I tell myself I shouldn't becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and

am tired of pushing my feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do

with all this anger???

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie,

This is a good reminder. I am only recently moving from being either extremely

anxious or completely dissociated from my feelings so this anger is really new

for me. I am a little scared by it to be honest. I can see how it could be

really distructive. It is helpful to hear from someone who has worked through

this and I'm glad to hear there is the possibility for calm on the other side.

> >

> > These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running

through the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more sense.

I'm seeing that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled over. Who

told her that it was wrong to rip her children about of their home in the middle

of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? " Who told her not

to make us go to our dad and try to repair their marriage problems? I'll tell

you who, NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not get in the middle of

this (I have certainly done that in the past and am regretting every time I did

it), it is hard for me to respect them for it. I have actually been wondering

how in the heck I am supposed to go to spend holidays with them after this.

After 3 decades of pretending everything is fine, this is the first time in my

life that I am over all the faking. I'm not going to sit and laugh with them

pretending nothing happened. I can't do that anymore. I know they don't expect

this from me because I have been the peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like

raging at them and letting them know that that person is gone!! Every time I get

mad I tell myself I shouldn't becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and

am tired of pushing my feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do

with all this anger???

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm - I too am starting to feel more anger than avg since have been lurking

around here and reading books like mad. I don't like it either but am not

too worried about it as I have always been a little too on the passive side

and it is enabling me to start enforcing SOME kind of boundaries. Which Nada

isn't liking one bit. She has already started the smear campaign against me

(which I also HATE as I had to listen to her from my bedroom on the phone my

entire childhood jibby jabbing about everybody, constantly. If people knew

what she says about them they would die!). Anyway.. since I am on a hate

rant. I also HATE The passive aggressive gas lighting. Nada is QUEEN of gas

lighting. She will very rarely be aggressive to your face, just makes it

look like (and will even set you up) to look like the bad one. This is why

she has always been so successful looking like the poor victim to everybody

in the face of the evidence that all that she smears have only been there

trying to help her. I am sooooo sick of it.

Getting angrier all the time. I hope this soon moves on to grieving so I can

get on with this already

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of tucket720

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 9:33 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Nada's smear campaign worked

Thanks Annie,

This is a good reminder. I am only recently moving from being either

extremely anxious or completely dissociated from my feelings so this anger

is really new for me. I am a little scared by it to be honest. I can see how

it could be really distructive. It is helpful to hear from someone who has

worked through this and I'm glad to hear there is the possibility for calm

on the other side.

> >

> > These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running

through the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more

sense. I'm seeing that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled

over. Who told her that it was wrong to rip her children about of their home

in the middle of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? "

Who told her not to make us go to our dad and try to repair their marriage

problems? I'll tell you who, NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not

get in the middle of this (I have certainly done that in the past and am

regretting every time I did it), it is hard for me to respect them for it. I

have actually been wondering how in the heck I am supposed to go to spend

holidays with them after this. After 3 decades of pretending everything is

fine, this is the first time in my life that I am over all the faking. I'm

not going to sit and laugh with them pretending nothing happened. I can't do

that anymore. I know they don't expect this from me because I have been the

peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like raging at them and letting them know

that that person is gone!! Every time I get mad I tell myself I shouldn't

becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and am tired of pushing my

feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do with all this anger???

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, , I am so with you. Isn't it crazy how good nada's are at setting

things up to make us look like the bad guy??? Its infuriating!

I think you are right about being happy that the anger is here. I have to

believe it means that we are moving in the right direction. As odd as it sounds,

I look forward to grieving becuase at least it means that I have accepted that

this isn't changing and will be ready to move on.

Here's to both of us making it to the next step!

> > >

> > > These are good points about the extended family dysfunction. I'm running

> through the list of issues in my head and it is definitely making more

> sense. I'm seeing that my wedding isn't the first time these people rolled

> over. Who told her that it was wrong to rip her children about of their home

> in the middle of the night because " mommy and daddy are getting a divorce? "

> Who told her not to make us go to our dad and try to repair their marriage

> problems? I'll tell you who, NOONE!!! As much as I respect the desire to not

> get in the middle of this (I have certainly done that in the past and am

> regretting every time I did it), it is hard for me to respect them for it. I

> have actually been wondering how in the heck I am supposed to go to spend

> holidays with them after this. After 3 decades of pretending everything is

> fine, this is the first time in my life that I am over all the faking. I'm

> not going to sit and laugh with them pretending nothing happened. I can't do

> that anymore. I know they don't expect this from me because I have been the

> peacekeeper my whole life. I feel like raging at them and letting them know

> that that person is gone!! Every time I get mad I tell myself I shouldn't

> becuase this isn't their fault but I am ANGRY and am tired of pushing my

> feelings aside!! So now my question is...what do I do with all this anger???

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you found validation and emotional support here, Debra. It really does

help to discover that you're not the only one who experienced scary, damaging,

heart-breaking abuse or neglect: being starved for affection from your own

mother during your most tender, vulnerable, dependent growing-up years.

Somehow, it helps remove or at least lessen that feeling that you somehow caused

your " nada " to behave the way she does, and helps dissipate that feeling that

you somehow deserved that kind of mistreatment.

-Annie

>

>

> While I do not post really I have to say that I am struck by the amped up

behavior of our BPD parents during this holiday season. I have received many

contacts after going NC with my parent this last couple of weeks and cannot help

but think that it is relative to this. I have after a lifetime of trying to

have a relationship have decided to save myself and I am free from the guilt

that has plagued me. After joining and reading letter after letter in January I

saw that I was finally one of many of you who has experienced the utter insanity

of trying to reason why. There is nothing you can do to change them but you can

change the way the way they impact your life. I know for myself a therapist

helped me many times face the realities of the many excuses and lies that I told

myself regarding her actions and behaviors. The irony being that I was her

fiercest champion yet I finally heard the hate and vitriol she spewed back from

the time I was born.

>

> I read the reference to Nada and I also wanted to say that in Spanish it means

nothing. For me my Mother was nothing that one would equate with a loving,

caring, nurturing Mother would be to her child. I would imagine that it is the

same for many of you.

>

> Remember to love yourself first because we all deserve that!

>

> Take care,

> Debra

[Guest guest]

Tucket,

You know I have found that no matter how wrong nada is and how right you are,

nada's FOO (parents, siblings etc.) will always find it easier to either side

with her or just retreat from the whole situation even though most of them know

on some level that you will be hurt, they will not cross a nada type person.

I'm sorry that none of your relatives are strong enough to stand up to your nada

and be there on your special day. Please try to remember that this is something

that says volumes about THEM, not about YOU!

If you have time between now and then, you can contact a few of them and tell

them how hurt you are that they won't be there for you. Don't do this if you

aren't prepared for more rejection. Only you can make this decision if it is

worth it. '

C

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding. Well,

things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else to do

but write.

>

> I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it.

>

> I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to remember

or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west coast (all

of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to help us plan

the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about somethign stupid. We

had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it in a place we could

plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in their careers, starting

families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can make it work, and my

fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy), but her family just

can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is going on. How can my

relationships with her family be so conditional.

>

> I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

>

> Tucket

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks C,

You are right about people not wanting to cross nada. I was talking to my father

last night and he apparently had just walked in on my younger brother (who is

amazingly supportive) fighting with nada about me. He had told her that he

thought it was ridiculous that she couldn't put aside her crap and come to my

wedding. What did she do? She threatened to give away his dog (he still lives at

home and she helps to take care of the dog while he works). What the heck is

that??? I imagine if anyone has ever stood up to nada before and got such a

response, they would certainly not want to do it again. In a way this makes it

easier to accept what is happening with my extended family but it still hurts

just as much. I am vowing to myself never to sit back when she is attacking

someone I love again. I don't want to do to others what I feel they are doing to

me right now- abandonment.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I posted a while ago about the drama surrounding my nada and my wedding.

Well, things just got worse and I am bawling my eyes out. Didnt know what else

to do but write.

> >

> > I came to terms with the fact that my nada was not going to come to my

wedding. I was even coming to terms with the fact that she would always believe

her version of the story (which of course casts me in the worst light

possible...i'm selfish, i'm greedy, etc). I was gonna be ok. But now, as we get

the RSVPs back in the mail, I am realizing what a greatt job she did with her

smear campaign. Literally noone from her family is attending my wedding. Not

one. I was hurt about a few people but today, what brought me to tears, was when

I found out her brother, my closest uncle who has always been amazingly

supportive and actually told me MONTHS ago that he was going to come, is no

longer coming. He told me it was just too expensive and that they wanted to use

the money for other things like...get this...remodeling the kitchen. Money is

not tight for this man, not in the least. I was devistated. When I brought up my

mom he simply said that he wasn't getting in the middle of it.

> >

> > I am really struggling not to feel like a bad person. No one seems to

remember or believe that the only reason we are having our wedding on the west

coast (all of our family is on the east coast) is because my mother refused to

help us plan the wedding on the east coast after I pissed her off about

somethign stupid. We had no one else who had the time to help us so we made it

in a place we could plan it. Why is it that my friends (who are all early in

their careers, starting families, etc) can make it work, my dad's family can

make it work, and my fiance's family can make it work (they are not wealthy),

but her family just can't afford it. I can't help but think something more is

going on. How can my relationships with her family be so conditional.

> >

> > I would really appreciate some advice/support. Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Tucket

> >

>