and it breaks my heart

August 17, 2011

I had a breakthrough session with my T yesterday. I have never cried before

in front of her in 11 months of therapy. But it was all so raw its so hard

to talk about. I have talked about it here a bit.

My T asked me what I was dealing with this week and I said utter rage and

mega loss.

I'm from a small suburbanish ruralish area in the west that is the hub of

LDS culture. The same LDS culture that brough the world the 5 Browns

(classical juliard trained pianists, all siblings), Archuletta (16 yr

old american idol star), Breinholt, the Neon Trees and the Osmonds.

As a kid, I was around music and performances non-farking-stop. Everyone had

an act. EVERYONE!!! I bet I played a piano recital a week from about age 7

or 8.

I bet I can name 15 kids I grew up with who went on to become musicians -

hell, I bet I could name 15 FAMILES whose members were 100% musicians.

Anyway, all I wanted to do as a kid was make music. That's it.

But nada played music. And dad was a cowboy. Music wasn't even on dad's

radar. But was it EVER on nada's. . . She basically invented the word

" upstage. " She was so so so so jealous of any of my talents. Nada even broke

the pedal off the antique piano in the house - and I have ALWAYS felt she

broke it intentionally to hold me back (I just went on practicing without

it). And she also busted that pedal more than once! And she was a piano

teacher by the way. And she REFUSED to teach me after many many many a shit

storm over me trying to learn (my first memories are that piano - around 24

to 36 months of age - and the stickers on the keys with the names of each

note, put there for nada's real students. I can't look at any keyboard

without mentally seeing those stickers). After the shitstorms she repeated

to all of her friends like a broken record " you can't teach your own child

to play the piano. " Every farking person in town had heard her say that at

least 50 million times. Duh, you can teach any kid just about anything if

they are eager to learn it. I call bullshit - she did not WANT me to play

piano, and so she put up barriers everywhere she could without ever actually

admitting or acknowledging her real feelings. And she put me down. She

would say things like " its too bad you aren't naturally gifted like so and

so " or " you will never understand rhythm! Never! "

Anyway, I really believe that with my personality even the tinyest nudge of

encouragement could have put me on the path to juliard, too, which is where

my guitar teacher went the year I started college. For hell's sakes my piano

teacher who I studied with in grade school played cello in the SYMPHONY! I

just wanted to grow up to be in the symphony like her.

I feel like I flunked out of life because I didn't fight harder for my

dreams.

The reality is it wasn't my nada who made me sacrifice my musician dreams.

It was my fada. I started college with every intention of being a classical

guitar major - you know spanish style with the nylon strings. Dad wrote on

my paperwork that I was going to major in " medical technology. " (Eff -

someone like me in a lab for the rest of my life??? I am decent in a lab

situation and I admire that work, but uuuummm, fada, have you ever MET me?).

He really wanted me to be a sewage treatment specialist or a nurse. I ended

up in public health where they always need teachers and spokeswomen and

people who aren't afraid to talk about chlamydia and syphilis in public. .

.. My nada didn't have the clout with me to stomp my dreams to death. Fada,

on the other hand - was my hero - and I can see that I effed up by listening

to his guidance.

My T was proud of me that I'm able to face it. I honestly haven't even

listened to music or followed it in several years because it broke my heart

so bad.

Here's to finding my music. The notes come flooding back to me every time I

work on choreography for my dance company. I'm bringing the music back -

with choreography now but I think its ALL coming back! And soon. I think

I'll be drumming for my dancers in no time. It shouldn't be too long before

I can be in a blues or folk band again. I bet with a year of practice. . .

the thing is, I remember the sheet music, the frets, the cresendos, the

rests, the staccatos. . . its all right there in my mind as if I dream

about it every night.

I'm not too old - but knowing that I could have done so much more. . . and

not wasted the first nearly 30 years of my life. . . . those critical years

when learning is easier and education opportunities are far more available.

.. . . well it breaks my heart.

Yeah - I think this is called " finding your identity. " Next stop - I need to

get past the shame. Nada and fada shamed me because I've always loved an

audience, at least since I stopped being a terrified little mouse around the

time I went through puberty. My boyfriend thinks its amazing that I can

dance, sing, act, issue a news bulletin, teach yoga - anything in front of a

crowd. I've built a life/career based on public speaking. As a kid I just

heard over and over stuff like " you are such an exhibitionist " from fada and

" isn't it a shame you have no talent " from nada. God, what a weird thing to

be ashamed of!!! But that's all there is when I say to myself " Ohhhh I'm a

performing artist. What the hell have I been doing wasting my time on other

things when I could have been following my bliss. " Then the shame hits as

if nada stumbled upon my homoerotic porn stash or something. WTH!!! (not

that you should be ashamed of a homoerotic porn stash, necissarily, but in

the land of Donny and Marie Osmond - well, we were ha ha )

Thanks for listening and putting up with my crazy dreams guys, love

girlscout

August 17, 2011

GS,

What's ironic is that my story is totally opposite. I was extremely gifted with

music and dance, studied it in college and grad school, and was pushed to do so,

mostly by nada. Fada just wanted me to be happy. Well, the truth is: I wanted to

be an athlete. I ran track for one semester in middle school and I loved it.

But I chose to learn the flute when I was 6 and in nada's mind, that meant I was

set for life. (I played about 6 instruments and I'm a classically trained

dancer.) Now that I'm separated from nada and NC and healing, I've become one

hell of an amateur cyclist and I've run two marathons in the past 9 months. I

work in the bicycle travel industry now and I love running and cycling and

swimming. I want to do an Ironman next. If you asked me why I love these things,

well, I couldn't say, other than I feel at peace while I'm doing them. Like my

body fades away and I become part of the universe. ly, (while I still love

music and I'm learning the guitar--just for FUN), I can't stand dance as a

performed art. And I have an MFA in it. HAH!

I remember wanting to try sports when I was in high school, but nada would never

let me take time away from music and dance. I had to take a PE class when I was

a senior in HS, and the teacher was so impressed that I went onto the track, ON

MY OWN, each day to run for an hour.

I understand how you feel robbed of your dreams. Especially when you think about

how much you could have developed your true talent by now if you had been

allowed to begin when you were young. But my nada couldn't stand that I would be

even slightly tom-boyish. She demanded that she could make me into a little

princess. So no dirt, and no running for me.

Just makes me remember how much I hate her and how much she should not have been

raising kids.

>

> I had a breakthrough session with my T yesterday. I have never cried before

> in front of her in 11 months of therapy. But it was all so raw its so hard

> to talk about. I have talked about it here a bit.

>

> My T asked me what I was dealing with this week and I said utter rage and

> mega loss.

>

> I'm from a small suburbanish ruralish area in the west that is the hub of

> LDS culture. The same LDS culture that brough the world the 5 Browns

> (classical juliard trained pianists, all siblings), Archuletta (16 yr

> old american idol star), Breinholt, the Neon Trees and the Osmonds.

>

> As a kid, I was around music and performances non-farking-stop. Everyone had

> an act. EVERYONE!!! I bet I played a piano recital a week from about age 7

> or 8.

>

> I bet I can name 15 kids I grew up with who went on to become musicians -

> hell, I bet I could name 15 FAMILES whose members were 100% musicians.

>

> Anyway, all I wanted to do as a kid was make music. That's it.

>

> But nada played music. And dad was a cowboy. Music wasn't even on dad's

> radar. But was it EVER on nada's. . . She basically invented the word

> " upstage. " She was so so so so jealous of any of my talents. Nada even broke

> the pedal off the antique piano in the house - and I have ALWAYS felt she

> broke it intentionally to hold me back (I just went on practicing without

> it). And she also busted that pedal more than once! And she was a piano

> teacher by the way. And she REFUSED to teach me after many many many a shit

> storm over me trying to learn (my first memories are that piano - around 24

> to 36 months of age - and the stickers on the keys with the names of each

> note, put there for nada's real students. I can't look at any keyboard

> without mentally seeing those stickers). After the shitstorms she repeated

> to all of her friends like a broken record " you can't teach your own child

> to play the piano. " Every farking person in town had heard her say that at

> least 50 million times. Duh, you can teach any kid just about anything if

> they are eager to learn it. I call bullshit - she did not WANT me to play

> piano, and so she put up barriers everywhere she could without ever actually

> admitting or acknowledging her real feelings. And she put me down. She

> would say things like " its too bad you aren't naturally gifted like so and

> so " or " you will never understand rhythm! Never! "

>

> Anyway, I really believe that with my personality even the tinyest nudge of

> encouragement could have put me on the path to juliard, too, which is where

> my guitar teacher went the year I started college. For hell's sakes my piano

> teacher who I studied with in grade school played cello in the SYMPHONY! I

> just wanted to grow up to be in the symphony like her.

>

> I feel like I flunked out of life because I didn't fight harder for my

> dreams.

>

> The reality is it wasn't my nada who made me sacrifice my musician dreams.

> It was my fada. I started college with every intention of being a classical

> guitar major - you know spanish style with the nylon strings. Dad wrote on

> my paperwork that I was going to major in " medical technology. " (Eff -

> someone like me in a lab for the rest of my life??? I am decent in a lab

> situation and I admire that work, but uuuummm, fada, have you ever MET me?).

> He really wanted me to be a sewage treatment specialist or a nurse. I ended

> up in public health where they always need teachers and spokeswomen and

> people who aren't afraid to talk about chlamydia and syphilis in public. .

> . My nada didn't have the clout with me to stomp my dreams to death. Fada,

> on the other hand - was my hero - and I can see that I effed up by listening

> to his guidance.

>

> My T was proud of me that I'm able to face it. I honestly haven't even

> listened to music or followed it in several years because it broke my heart

> so bad.

> Here's to finding my music. The notes come flooding back to me every time I

> work on choreography for my dance company. I'm bringing the music back -

> with choreography now but I think its ALL coming back! And soon. I think

> I'll be drumming for my dancers in no time. It shouldn't be too long before

> I can be in a blues or folk band again. I bet with a year of practice. . .

> the thing is, I remember the sheet music, the frets, the cresendos, the

> rests, the staccatos. . . its all right there in my mind as if I dream

> about it every night.

>

> I'm not too old - but knowing that I could have done so much more. . . and

> not wasted the first nearly 30 years of my life. . . . those critical years

> when learning is easier and education opportunities are far more available.

> . . . well it breaks my heart.

> Yeah - I think this is called " finding your identity. " Next stop - I need to

> get past the shame. Nada and fada shamed me because I've always loved an

> audience, at least since I stopped being a terrified little mouse around the

> time I went through puberty. My boyfriend thinks its amazing that I can

> dance, sing, act, issue a news bulletin, teach yoga - anything in front of a

> crowd. I've built a life/career based on public speaking. As a kid I just

> heard over and over stuff like " you are such an exhibitionist " from fada and

> " isn't it a shame you have no talent " from nada. God, what a weird thing to

> be ashamed of!!! But that's all there is when I say to myself " Ohhhh I'm a

> performing artist. What the hell have I been doing wasting my time on other

> things when I could have been following my bliss. " Then the shame hits as

> if nada stumbled upon my homoerotic porn stash or something. WTH!!! (not

> that you should be ashamed of a homoerotic porn stash, necissarily, but in

> the land of Donny and Marie Osmond - well, we were ha ha )

>

> Thanks for listening and putting up with my crazy dreams guys, love

> girlscout

>

August 17, 2011

" If you asked me why I love these things, well, I couldn't say, other than I

feel at peace while I'm doing them. Like my body fades away and I become

part of the universe. "

! That's so true!!! When you move your body or play an instrument in

time with a group it becomes synergistic and your efforts are more than you

and the group is more than the whole and. . . . its just bliss. Bliss. And I

love discipline. I've always loved discipline. I was the kind of kid that

would set my alarm and wake up to study at 4 a.m. I would practice music 6

to 8 am and then go to school until 3, come home and make dinner for the

family and then study again. Because I tend to take unstructured things -

like time - and give them structure I've always been a freak. Nada HATED

that about me.

And on the girly girl thing - I am a girly girl, but in kind of a ruff and

tumble messy way (ha ha). For example, I think people who scream at the

sight of a spider are total pansies. I think most people want to dance or

play music because the want the moment of glory and none of the sweaty hours

leading up to the one glorious moment. I call bullshit on that. If the

practice and discipline aren't joyful for you then get a new interest -

perhaps you'd rather be shopping at Nordstrom's (that's a bumpersticker my

friends and I used to joke about all the time - because if so many people do

have that look on their face " why am I not at nordstrom's right now " when

its time to light the stage or clean up the costume mess, or they get a

little blister and can't take it. . . . ) Ok back to my point. I was only ok

with nada and fada when i was a tomboy. i dressed like a boy, nada cut my

hair short, I camped with my dad 3 to 7 nights a week etc etc etc. To be a

girl was to compete with her for . . . no idea what we were competing for, I

mean something like 52% of humans are female so learn to deal with it nada.

.. . but it just made my parents SO uncomfortable!

I think to your point that anything we wanted was not ok. Our lives were

supposed to be about nada, about making nada happy, about being what nada

wanted - - - for me, I think she wanted me to be fat, to be ugly and to be

something a lump she could twist and manipulate to get sympathy from her

" friends. " When I was a perfectionist, disciplined she saw it as showing her

up. It was true with my brother too - - - I never explored the visual arts

as a kid because that was " his thing " and I would just be humiliated and

have my face rubbed in my imperfections if I tried it. Bada was golden and I

was shit. Can you tell?

Anyway, I think they are opposite manifestations of the same problem - who

we were and what we wanted was not even noticed, not considered, except for

the purpose of humiliation or to serve the queen. I had another interest as

a kid - I was really interested in cooking. well, guess what, nada saw a

direct benefit in me learning to cook because I could cook food that she

could shovel into her fat face and so she recruited my grandmother to teach

me and I've done it ever since. I am actually a pretty damn decent cook - i

mean not a professional chef but a million times better than any friends I

have my age, and far better than either of my parents. But it pisses me off

that i was shouldered with that responsibility in about 1st grade.

Nadas are bitches and they should piss off and die. I'm so freaking pissed.

I feel like I really missed out. I'm the type of person that really commits

to things and works at them - and I know I would have done this - I mean I

did my best but its hard to keep going in that environment. Even if I didn't

have encouragement but just got a neutral response. . .

I'm really glad your here, . I feel like you " get " the perfectionistic

defense mechanism I used with my nada. I turn to perfectionism and hyper

vigilance any time I have a conflict - i document, I describe, I do not make

mistakes, I do the job better than the boss or client who is complaining. .

.. and it doesn't work one bit. It doesn't resolve the conflict, it doesn't

make the other person back down. I may have a 3 ring binder of everything I

did right and the person looks down and says " i hate your shoes, go home. "

or something like that. I guess I still have a ways to go. . .

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it. PS that is BS that she made you

major in dance if you didn't want to. Sounds like she was using you to live

out her dreams. . . WTF!!!!

> **

>

> GS,

>

> What's ironic is that my story is totally opposite. I was extremely gifted

> with music and dance, studied it in college and grad school, and was pushed

> to do so, mostly by nada. Fada just wanted me to be happy. Well, the truth

> is: I wanted to be an athlete. I ran track for one semester in middle school

> and I loved it. But I chose to learn the flute when I was 6 and in nada's

> mind, that meant I was set for life. (I played about 6 instruments and I'm a

> classically trained dancer.) Now that I'm separated from nada and NC and

> healing, I've become one hell of an amateur cyclist and I've run two

> marathons in the past 9 months. I work in the bicycle travel industry now

> and I love running and cycling and swimming. I want to do an Ironman next.

> If you asked me why I love these things, well, I couldn't say, other than I

> feel at peace while I'm doing them. Like my body fades away and I become

> part of the universe. ly, (while I still love music and I'm learning

> the guitar--just for FUN), I can't stand dance as a performed art. And I

> have an MFA in it. HAH!

>

> I remember wanting to try sports when I was in high school, but nada would

> never let me take time away from music and dance. I had to take a PE class

> when I was a senior in HS, and the teacher was so impressed that I went onto

> the track, ON MY OWN, each day to run for an hour.

>

> I understand how you feel robbed of your dreams. Especially when you think

> about how much you could have developed your true talent by now if you had

> been allowed to begin when you were young. But my nada couldn't stand that I

> would be even slightly tom-boyish. She demanded that she could make me into

> a little princess. So no dirt, and no running for me.

>

> Just makes me remember how much I hate her and how much she should not have

> been raising kids.

>

> >

> > I had a breakthrough session with my T yesterday. I have never cried

> before

> > in front of her in 11 months of therapy. But it was all so raw its so

> hard

> > to talk about. I have talked about it here a bit.

> >

> > My T asked me what I was dealing with this week and I said utter rage and

> > mega loss.

> >

> > I'm from a small suburbanish ruralish area in the west that is the hub of

> > LDS culture. The same LDS culture that brough the world the 5 Browns

> > (classical juliard trained pianists, all siblings), Archuletta (16

> yr

> > old american idol star), Breinholt, the Neon Trees and the Osmonds.

> >

> > As a kid, I was around music and performances non-farking-stop. Everyone

> had

> > an act. EVERYONE!!! I bet I played a piano recital a week from about age

> 7

> > or 8.

> >

> > I bet I can name 15 kids I grew up with who went on to become musicians -

> > hell, I bet I could name 15 FAMILES whose members were 100% musicians.

> >

> > Anyway, all I wanted to do as a kid was make music. That's it.

> >

> > But nada played music. And dad was a cowboy. Music wasn't even on dad's

> > radar. But was it EVER on nada's. . . She basically invented the word

> > " upstage. " She was so so so so jealous of any of my talents. Nada even

> broke

> > the pedal off the antique piano in the house - and I have ALWAYS felt she

> > broke it intentionally to hold me back (I just went on practicing without

> > it). And she also busted that pedal more than once! And she was a piano

> > teacher by the way. And she REFUSED to teach me after many many many a

> shit

> > storm over me trying to learn (my first memories are that piano - around

> 24

> > to 36 months of age - and the stickers on the keys with the names of each

> > note, put there for nada's real students. I can't look at any keyboard

> > without mentally seeing those stickers). After the shitstorms she

> repeated

> > to all of her friends like a broken record " you can't teach your own

> child

> > to play the piano. " Every farking person in town had heard her say that

> at

> > least 50 million times. Duh, you can teach any kid just about anything if

> > they are eager to learn it. I call bullshit - she did not WANT me to play

> > piano, and so she put up barriers everywhere she could without ever

> actually

> > admitting or acknowledging her real feelings. And she put me down. She

> > would say things like " its too bad you aren't naturally gifted like so

> and

> > so " or " you will never understand rhythm! Never! "

> >

> > Anyway, I really believe that with my personality even the tinyest nudge

> of

> > encouragement could have put me on the path to juliard, too, which is

> where

> > my guitar teacher went the year I started college. For hell's sakes my

> piano

> > teacher who I studied with in grade school played cello in the SYMPHONY!

> I

> > just wanted to grow up to be in the symphony like her.

> >

> > I feel like I flunked out of life because I didn't fight harder for my

> > dreams.

> >

> > The reality is it wasn't my nada who made me sacrifice my musician

> dreams.

> > It was my fada. I started college with every intention of being a

> classical

> > guitar major - you know spanish style with the nylon strings. Dad wrote

> on

> > my paperwork that I was going to major in " medical technology. " (Eff -

> > someone like me in a lab for the rest of my life??? I am decent in a lab

> > situation and I admire that work, but uuuummm, fada, have you ever MET

> me?).

> > He really wanted me to be a sewage treatment specialist or a nurse. I

> ended

> > up in public health where they always need teachers and spokeswomen and

> > people who aren't afraid to talk about chlamydia and syphilis in public.

> .

> > . My nada didn't have the clout with me to stomp my dreams to death.

> Fada,

> > on the other hand - was my hero - and I can see that I effed up by

> listening

> > to his guidance.

> >

> > My T was proud of me that I'm able to face it. I honestly haven't even

> > listened to music or followed it in several years because it broke my

> heart

> > so bad.

> > Here's to finding my music. The notes come flooding back to me every time

> I

> > work on choreography for my dance company. I'm bringing the music back -

> > with choreography now but I think its ALL coming back! And soon. I think

> > I'll be drumming for my dancers in no time. It shouldn't be too long

> before

> > I can be in a blues or folk band again. I bet with a year of practice. .

> .

> > the thing is, I remember the sheet music, the frets, the cresendos, the

> > rests, the staccatos. . . its all right there in my mind as if I dream

> > about it every night.

> >

> > I'm not too old - but knowing that I could have done so much more. . .

> and

> > not wasted the first nearly 30 years of my life. . . . those critical

> years

> > when learning is easier and education opportunities are far more

> available.

> > . . . well it breaks my heart.

> > Yeah - I think this is called " finding your identity. " Next stop - I need

> to

> > get past the shame. Nada and fada shamed me because I've always loved an

> > audience, at least since I stopped being a terrified little mouse around

> the

> > time I went through puberty. My boyfriend thinks its amazing that I can

> > dance, sing, act, issue a news bulletin, teach yoga - anything in front

> of a

> > crowd. I've built a life/career based on public speaking. As a kid I just

> > heard over and over stuff like " you are such an exhibitionist " from fada

> and

> > " isn't it a shame you have no talent " from nada. God, what a weird thing

> to

> > be ashamed of!!! But that's all there is when I say to myself " Ohhhh I'm

> a

> > performing artist. What the hell have I been doing wasting my time on

> other

> > things when I could have been following my bliss. " Then the shame hits as

> > if nada stumbled upon my homoerotic porn stash or something. WTH!!! (not

> > that you should be ashamed of a homoerotic porn stash, necissarily, but

> in

> > the land of Donny and Marie Osmond - well, we were ha ha )

> >

> > Thanks for listening and putting up with my crazy dreams guys, love

> > girlscout

> >

August 17, 2011

Don't you love how, after a break though T session, the neurons keep firing

faster and faster, making connections and revealing insights? I'm glad you are

in the throes of all this soul finding!

Although I would never claim to have an ounce of musical talent, we had a

similar situation in my house. Nada played piano, but refused to teach either of

us kids. We begged and begged, but she would not teach us nor allow us to take

lessons. I remember being PO'd to the max when my nephew all of a sudden was the

recipient of a lesson from her, and she went on for days about how much talent

he had.

Years later when my kids were in band and needed piano accompaniment at Solo &

Ensemble I asked if she could play with her grandchildren. Again, the refusal.

Her piano was HER piano. No sharing. Period. And whenever she played and screwed

up a note, I secretly giggled.